Growing Pains

"You're growing, Stevens ..."

"Well, I wish it would stop."

Grey's Anatomy. I love the thoughts and emotions that show provokes in me. It never fails ... each episode has at least one small morsel (and usually many more) that speak directly to my heart.

Growing pains. It never fails ... the more one hurts, the more one grows.

Being in the middle of that pain in my life ... whether I was 17, 27, 37, 47 ... (every 10 years or so, I seem to cycle through a new phase of 'growth') ... it hurt like heck. And it really never seemed to fail. Each time the hurt felt a little more intense.

I guess one thinks they have learned that lesson and it won't happen again. And when it does ... the pain is brand new again. Just like reopening that wound - it hurts more the second time around because it never really healed.

With the pain comes healing. The healing process revives me. It is the oxygen to my soul. Sometimes growing hurts. The more you hurt, the more potential there is to grow.

At one point in my life, I thought I had closed off my heart and could hurt no more. That was a little frightening to me. I was afraid to risk myself again. So when I realized that I could hurt to the very core of my being last year, it ended up being the biggest gift I could have received.

I have the capacity to open up my heart and care. And trust. The trust was broken. But ... I would risk it all and trust again. I have friends and family all around me that show me in ways that words can't say, that the world is full of trustworthy people.

When a relationship isn't built around trust, it isn't worth having. I would rather be on my own, than to be with a person I couldn't trust. I am worth that.

I'm healed. For now ...

Heaven on Earth

I believe that we are meant to bask in the great outdoors ...

Spring has finally arrived! I'm able to go outside with the kids and we aren't battling the elements. The snow has melted, the mud is gone, the sun isn't too intense and I haven't seen a mosquito (yet) ...

Yesterday afternoon, I sat and enjoyed my favorite babysitting moment. Listening and watching children contentedly at play, is one sure fire way to make my heart soar.

They were intensely involved in their game and what they were building in the sandbox. Their chatter was nonstop. There was give and take going on (at one point, there was an argument that could have happened but they resolved it between themselves). Even the 'younger sibling' seemed to respect the game that was going on and though she tried to push her way into it, the three of them got through that small moment and within minutes they were all back to their previous state of contentedness.

These are kids that can be a challenge at times ... so it was such a gift to be able to tell the parents just how wonderfully they played and got along at the end of the day. I much prefer to end a day on a positive note.

But sometimes it just feels like I'm spinning my wheels. As I was telling the last parent of the day just how good her son was playing and getting along, he was acting up (as he almost always does, as soon as she arrives). I made the comment to him that I was telling his mom how good he was ... didn't he want to hear? And the mom replied, "No, he'd rather hear you talk about how bad he was."

There were go again. Let's tell our kids how to act .....

Oh well. I still enjoyed my small piece of heaven while I had it.

What's Next?

I think it's time to pull out the list of '66 Ways to Build Courage' again.

As I laid back last night, with my feet up and relaxation oozing out every pore of my being, I thought "Ah ... this is the life!" But I know that I wouldn't have had that perfect sense of 'being', had I not climbed a few steep hills these past months.

Pushing myself out of my comfort zone has been my driving force for the better part of the last year. It seemed a year ago, almost everything felt uncomfortable. But the past 4 months or so, I have gone beyond and pushed the limits.

It is intoxicating. I have drawn people back into my life and it is wonderful!

This is the time of year one thinks of spring cleaning. I have done a lot of that this past year! I have seen Wes and Dale move out on their own; I have gotten out of a relationship that was bringing out the worst in me; and yesterday our poor, neglected dog found a loving home. I have drawn family back into my life; I have more time and energy to spend with my friends; I am writing; I am dancing; I am living again!

And I'm not going to stop. I'm looking ahead and wondering where do I go from here?

Going With the Current

Yesterday, the message of the day in "The Secret" calendar was about when you are trying to make something happen, it feels like you are going against the current in a river. And when you are ''acting to receive from the Universe'', you will feel as if you are flowing with the current of the river.

I have noticed that time and time again in my lifetime. There are times when you follow your heart, your instinct, your calling or whatever. And everything unfolds perfectly. As if you were following a well choreographed plan.

Other times, you make a decision and it feels as though there are road blocks at every turn. Nothing goes as planned and it's like you are fighting a losing battle.

When I decided to move my family out to Saskatoon, it was one of those times when absolutely everything unfolded perfectly.

I got the first job I applied for; I found a place to live without any effort; everyone in my life was totally supportive of the move. The time and place were right. And as if that wasn't enough of a sign, I have my ''red dart story'' ...

When I moved out here, I had next to no belongings to take with me. So Mom packed up things from her house to help to make a home out of our new place. She sent a variety of belongings out with me. And one thing that she sent, was a dart board and darts. Now, you would really have to know Mom and how every game in our house had all of its parts and pieces; every puzzle had every piece in the box and anything at home was taken care of. The dart board she sent with me was missing one red dart. That, unto itself was unusual and unheard of. But what was totally amazing, is that when we moved into our new townhouse here ... stuck in the wall of the totally empty basement was ... a red dart. This sends tingles up my spine to think of this again. It was the final sign of how this move was 'meant to be'.

When I decided to try to support myself by babysitting and take a giant leap of faith to leave a fully secure job, it was exactly the same thing. I asked for a years leave of absense so I could see if I could manage to live off what I could earn. And I was granted that. When the year was up, I asked if I could work on Saturdays (to keep my options open and my foot in the door) and that wish was granted as well. Time and time again, I have run into 'tests of my faith' in the babysitting world. The income you earn when you babysit is unreliable and changes like the wind. And every time I was at a crossroads where I wondered which way I should go ... it never failed. As soon as I made the commitment within myself to stick with the babysitting, something would happen to make it financially feasible again. This has happened so many times that I have lost count. It was as though all I had to do was 'believe' and the rest unfolded as it was meant to be. It was like going with the current of the river.

Today, I have felt and been reminded of this positive flow once again ...

My aunts and Mom got together and thanked me for putting the book together with/for them. This entire Book Process has been like riding along with the flow of that river. As soon as I made the decision to follow through and actually do this, everything fell into place. Nothing was working against me (though I did have my challenges getting to know Microsoft Word!!). It astounds and amazes me just how all I really had to do was 'go with the flow', and the book took care of itself.

Now, this sounds off topic but it really isn't ...

I have been actively searching for a better home for our dog this past while. It wasn't happening easily, and then I read this quote in "The Secret." I told myself that if it felt like I was 'going against the current' that maybe I just had to believe this was happening for a reason and not to fight it. My heart wasn't in that thought though, because I knew that our dog really deserved a more loving and attentive home. I was getting so easily angered with his barking and his recent habit of digging up some new sod.

Then ... today, it happened.

A friend of a friend had just decided that they wanted to adopt an older dog and had gone to the SPCA without their kids to look around. Amazingly, the SPCA didn't have any older dogs and then my friend called her and mentioned our dog that we were trying to find a home for. Everything seemed to be working against us meeting up together this weekend, but I ended up leaving my key with my friend just in case they wanted to come and meet "Mike" while we were gone.

Well, sure enough. It was 'love at first sight'. She called me tonight and asked when they could pick him up. We talked for quite a while and I told her all about Mike, why we got him and why we are looking for a new home for him, his personality and habits (bad and good). She told me their story ... and it just feels like a match made in heaven.

He is such a good dog. But he is so neglected here. And he is going to a home with a 5 and 10 year old boys (I think) who are so excited about this. Mike adores being adored. And he lavishes his love on any willing recipient. And he loves kids.

We're 'going with the flow' once again....

More on Breathing ...

This Sunday morning feels so foreign to me. It my third day off in a row. It is a day with only a small 'agenda' (supper plans with my aunts and Mom).

I may need to take 'breathing lessons' to learn how to fully appreciate all of this time!

I have stepped back and looked at some of the things that have consumed me the past 4 months. I seem to have lived those months at a pace where I got a lot accomplished and I also felt like I had the time to 'savor the moment' as I went through the various stages of progress of what was at hand.

I am haunted by a small amount of remorse. 'The Book' being completed in a fast forward time warp may not have resulted in the best outcome. I looked at it again this morning and it seems better than my memory of what it was. No matter how polished and edited and reworded and reworked it may be, there will always be room for improvement. But for those who helped me compile the stories, it is nice to have it in its finished form.

As I rewatched the edited (shortened) video recordings of our visits, I feel better about the book. On numerous occasions, I know that I have written word-for-word what I was told. It's hard to encapsulate the entire essence in which the words were spoken but I am hoping that no one feels like I took their words and twisted the intent.

There is a huge gift to me intertwined in this whole Book Project. I heard and read these stories first hand. I felt the emotion, the laughter, the spirit in which the tales were relived and retold. It is a huge responsibility to try and put this on paper so that years down the road, our family can reread it and feel it as well. That is the part that I don't know if I succeeded at ...

It feels like all of those that were involved in the retelling of their lives have received 'the gift' as well. And with that in mind, I can count this as a success.

I am meeting up with all of these newly reacquainted family members for supper tonight. My aunt that arranged this wanted to do this to thank me for helping them 'tell their story.' How special is that??

I shall take a long, deep breath and savor the moment tonight. It is a memory I want to imprint in my mind forever ...

Breathe ...

I can't remember the last time I slept in a little bit. This morning I slept until 7:50. Ahhhh...

And this afternoon ended up being an unexpectedly quiet and lazy day. I had thought the weekend would have a constant go, go, go feeling. But I was wrong. I did make an unexpected trip to Watrous, but even that was enjoyable. It was a beautiful day ... we left early enough that we weren't under the gun to be there ... and it was a quiet and leisurely drive back.

My Oldest's grad was enjoyable. At one point, I visualized his Kindergarten Christmas concert and that absolute and complete joyousness of a heart that is so full that it could burst. This grad didn't quite meet that moment. But I was so glad to be a part of his day.

A day that I had no other kids with me. I could enjoy the moment and savor My Oldest's day. No one or nothing else was dividing my attention. Since my Middle Son's birth, My Oldest and I haven't had a lot of days like that. It's a small thing. But it is something ....

What a Difference a Day Makes!

Unbelievable! I sat and stewed over all the situations in my life that I felt I had no control over for ... days? I wrote it down yesterday morning. And by last night the tide was shifting.

I made one phone call. I asked for 'help' with My Youngest on Sunday. And it is going to work out. He is going to get to spend the day with one of his best friends. Whew. Pure relief.

Then ... the phone rang ... and my hope to see my cousin in Moose Jaw, while we are there tomorrow will work out after all.

Then ... this morning the tide continued to shift.

My phone rang. It was my sister. As we chatted about 'life', I mentioned one of the times that I need a place for Kurt to find a place to stay. And ... she said she could do it. I will still see if I can find someone who lives a little closer. But it's nice to have a back up plan.

The phone rang about an hour later. It was my new family that stayed away from here yesterday because of the chicken pox. They decided to come after checking things out with the doctor. And not only is she coming ... she is coming full time (the mom said she may go back only half time at first)!

My new little 1 yr old spent almost 5 hours here today and it went very well. She is a delight. So are her parents. So not only does it look like I have an enjoyable family to work for ... but this will definately ease the budget strain.

Then ... several hours later ... the phone rang again. And a friend is almost certain she has found a home for our dog!!

Unbelievable!!! I would have never guessed the tides could turn the way they did. Amazing ...