Growing Pains

"You're growing, Stevens ..."

"Well, I wish it would stop."

Grey's Anatomy. I love the thoughts and emotions that show provokes in me. It never fails ... each episode has at least one small morsel (and usually many more) that speak directly to my heart.

Growing pains. It never fails ... the more one hurts, the more one grows.

Being in the middle of that pain in my life ... whether I was 17, 27, 37, 47 ... (every 10 years or so, I seem to cycle through a new phase of 'growth') ... it hurt like heck. And it really never seemed to fail. Each time the hurt felt a little more intense.

I guess one thinks they have learned that lesson and it won't happen again. And when it does ... the pain is brand new again. Just like reopening that wound - it hurts more the second time around because it never really healed.

With the pain comes healing. The healing process revives me. It is the oxygen to my soul. Sometimes growing hurts. The more you hurt, the more potential there is to grow.

At one point in my life, I thought I had closed off my heart and could hurt no more. That was a little frightening to me. I was afraid to risk myself again. So when I realized that I could hurt to the very core of my being last year, it ended up being the biggest gift I could have received.

I have the capacity to open up my heart and care. And trust. The trust was broken. But ... I would risk it all and trust again. I have friends and family all around me that show me in ways that words can't say, that the world is full of trustworthy people.

When a relationship isn't built around trust, it isn't worth having. I would rather be on my own, than to be with a person I couldn't trust. I am worth that.

I'm healed. For now ...