We celebrated Kurt's birthday this weekend and it turned out wonderfully ....
Kurt and I have had a few little hotel getaways on our own, which have been thoroughly enjoyable. But this time we stayed in a hotel close to home and invited some of his friends to join us. I think this was much more fun for Kurt. And for a guy that is so easy to have around, help me out with the kids, is not demanding and is pretty special to me ... it was nice to give him ''a day''.
Once again, I'm playing with the video footage that I captured all weekend and made ourselves a movie to last forever. He says it's his best birthday so far. And we have it etched in our minds forever (and on DVD for when the memory fades).
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Saturday, June 14, 2008
It's Exciting to be Excited
I wake up in the morning with such anticipation these days! It is wonderful.
We've had a lot of fun and interesting things on the go in our lives this last long while .... and as the scheduled 'fun' events are winding to a close, it seems that more good stuff is on the horizon! It is wonderful!!
It seems that this 'living-my-life' attitude is filling my life! I want to be around people, draw them into my life and share this excitement.
Where there used to be a dread and anxiety attached to committing myself to various fun outings and get togethers, it has been exchanged with excitement. There is still a small amount of anxiety when it comes to things where I must make other arrangements for Kurt, but even that seems to work its way out. On the occasions where I need to find somewhere else for him to go, he is so thrilled that he gets to go and have his own fun, that I don't have to worry for a minute once the arrangements have been made.
He is nearing the age where he will be able to spend short amounts of time on his own ... another year should spell a little bit of independence for both of us. This is the age where I've always had another baby before (spreading my family out, over the course of 20 years had a few disadvantages). So as soon as I was able to go out a little bit, I had a baby to think of. The advantage is, that I had a built in babysitter once they got to the right ages and stages. So it hasn't been without its perks as well.
But by the time the year passes, I think that we will both be anticipating that small amount of freedom.
In the mean time, my need to tend to Kurt's needs before my own isn't hampering my spirit. Every day is exciting!!
We've had a lot of fun and interesting things on the go in our lives this last long while .... and as the scheduled 'fun' events are winding to a close, it seems that more good stuff is on the horizon! It is wonderful!!
It seems that this 'living-my-life' attitude is filling my life! I want to be around people, draw them into my life and share this excitement.
Where there used to be a dread and anxiety attached to committing myself to various fun outings and get togethers, it has been exchanged with excitement. There is still a small amount of anxiety when it comes to things where I must make other arrangements for Kurt, but even that seems to work its way out. On the occasions where I need to find somewhere else for him to go, he is so thrilled that he gets to go and have his own fun, that I don't have to worry for a minute once the arrangements have been made.
He is nearing the age where he will be able to spend short amounts of time on his own ... another year should spell a little bit of independence for both of us. This is the age where I've always had another baby before (spreading my family out, over the course of 20 years had a few disadvantages). So as soon as I was able to go out a little bit, I had a baby to think of. The advantage is, that I had a built in babysitter once they got to the right ages and stages. So it hasn't been without its perks as well.
But by the time the year passes, I think that we will both be anticipating that small amount of freedom.
In the mean time, my need to tend to Kurt's needs before my own isn't hampering my spirit. Every day is exciting!!
Friday, June 13, 2008
What We Don't Know ...
(The perils right outside of our door)Every day we face the unknown. We never know what lies ahead in our day. We head off to work, we run our errands and send our children off to school. We walk out the door and we trust that we will come home unscathed ...
It is the same with our cat who has a wanderlust in him that we can't contain. We try everything in our power to keep him inside or tether him in the backyard with us when we are outside. But he is a cagey fellow. Anytime he can make a break for it, he runs first and thinks later. If he doesn't want to be caught, there is nothing we can do but wait for him to come home. And he always does. With every fur and whisker in place, our happy, sociable and bird-loving cat returns home within a few hours (as if to say, "See ... I come back. Just let me go wander. I'll be okay!!").
Yesterday morning was one of those mornings where he dashed outside first and realized it was wet and lightly raining second. But he was not to be deterred. He found himself a puddle on the street to drink from (he loves water that doesn't come from his water dish for some reason ... as if to hunt down and find a new water source is a form of stalking to him??). Anyway, as we were watching him drink from the puddle the crows also spotted this alien black mammal that didn't have wings like they did. And they stalked him. They cawed and were terribly bothered by his presence. They flew by and swooped near him as if to scare him off. But our cat just ignored that and savored his new watering hole.
Then ... the next sighting was him stalking his next prey. One of the boys spotted this and said, "Look!! Andre is chasing a rat!!" I looked out the window not expecting to see a thing (rats run, don't they?). But what I saw was this huge waddling rodent that was almost the size of our cat! All I could think was, "If he can't move quickly, nature's second line of defense are teeth and claws." I could see our friendly, fun-loving, animal-loving kitty coming home ripped to shreds as he innocently thought, "Mmmmm ... breakfast!!"
I ran out to try to dissuade our cat from hunting down this huge critter, to no avail. I had to leave the two of them in between 2 neighbors garages. The muskrat (as we found out later) was hiding underneath a shovel, with our cat looking on. I wasn't going to put myself in the middle of that. So, I had to walk away and trust our cat would come out of the situation intact.
True to form, our cat returned within the hour. Not a hair or whisker out of place. As if to say, "See! I always come home ... you don't have to worry about me."
It made me wonder, as he faced his crow trouble and then hunted down and cornered a muskrat ... what does he really face every time he sneaks out on us? And do we really want to know?
Life is full of unknown perils. We just never know what we will encounter when we leave the safety of our homes. We just have to trust ... and as our cat would say, "You always come home ... don't worry ..."
'The Cleanse' Progress Report
Well, I am on Day #12 of 'The Cleanse'. How am I doing? Well ... progress has been made, but I've definately not perfected the diet.
First off were the innocent mistakes. I didn't realize that corn flour had the glutens I was supposed to stay away from. Then I ate some rice cakes that had milk products in them (I don't know how I missed that - it was in bold letters). And then there is the sugar that is in every salad dressing ... I thought I would let that slide. I just wouldn't add any other sugars to my diet (but I also missed the sucralose listed in the ingredients of some flavored water I bought - I bought that 11 days ago and it's still half full. I stopped drinking it when I realized it had sugar).
Then ... Dale appeared on the doorstep bearing breakfast one morning this week. A biscuit with egg and bacon; and coffee with cream to wash it down. Had it just been the coffee, I would have politely turned it down and sat with my cup of tea as he drank it. But with breakfast in hand as well, I just couldn't let his good deed go to waste. I indulged (and it tasted devine!!).
The positive is that I didn't let that end the 'cleanse' project in mind. I still went directly back to my fruits/vegetables/nuts (and salad dressing with some sugar added).
But ... Kurt's birthday was a few days ago. The birthday tradition in our home has been that the birthday person gets to choose where to go out for supper. Kurt ended up choosing pizza (and we invited Wes, Dale and their girlfriends over). Again ... there is nothing in the pizza menu that is allowed on this cleanse. So ... I bent the rules for one more meal. I did choose to eat the vegetarian pizza (but only 2 pieces - normally I would have had 3). And only one glass of pepsi (normally I would have poured a second glass as we visited after the meal). Oh ... and then there was the cupcake with icing that I had after the meal. Again - I ate one, where normally I would have had a second.
If I can do nothing else but start to change some of my eating habits by sticking out the rest of this 21 days, I'll consider it a success on some level.
Progress, not perfection is the goal.
First off were the innocent mistakes. I didn't realize that corn flour had the glutens I was supposed to stay away from. Then I ate some rice cakes that had milk products in them (I don't know how I missed that - it was in bold letters). And then there is the sugar that is in every salad dressing ... I thought I would let that slide. I just wouldn't add any other sugars to my diet (but I also missed the sucralose listed in the ingredients of some flavored water I bought - I bought that 11 days ago and it's still half full. I stopped drinking it when I realized it had sugar).
Then ... Dale appeared on the doorstep bearing breakfast one morning this week. A biscuit with egg and bacon; and coffee with cream to wash it down. Had it just been the coffee, I would have politely turned it down and sat with my cup of tea as he drank it. But with breakfast in hand as well, I just couldn't let his good deed go to waste. I indulged (and it tasted devine!!).
The positive is that I didn't let that end the 'cleanse' project in mind. I still went directly back to my fruits/vegetables/nuts (and salad dressing with some sugar added).
But ... Kurt's birthday was a few days ago. The birthday tradition in our home has been that the birthday person gets to choose where to go out for supper. Kurt ended up choosing pizza (and we invited Wes, Dale and their girlfriends over). Again ... there is nothing in the pizza menu that is allowed on this cleanse. So ... I bent the rules for one more meal. I did choose to eat the vegetarian pizza (but only 2 pieces - normally I would have had 3). And only one glass of pepsi (normally I would have poured a second glass as we visited after the meal). Oh ... and then there was the cupcake with icing that I had after the meal. Again - I ate one, where normally I would have had a second.
If I can do nothing else but start to change some of my eating habits by sticking out the rest of this 21 days, I'll consider it a success on some level.
Progress, not perfection is the goal.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
10 Years
My Youngest celebrated his 10th birthday yesterday. 10 years. It's hard to believe that it was 10 years ago that he entered our lives. It's been a good run.
The birth of each of my children brought a huge amount of transition to my life ...
I was 17 years old when My Oldest was born. I went from child to adult in the blink of an eye and I was simply not ready for any of it (adulthood, parenthood &/or marriage). I was in a shaky marriage that crumbled by the time My Oldest was 4 months old. I moved back home until I got my feet back under me. That was in January. By November I had bought a townhouse and we were forged out on our own.
My mom took care of my son while I worked and grew into my responsibilities as a parent. By the time My Oldest was 2 years old, I was in a much better spot to be a mother. I'm so grateful that my mom stepped up to the plate for me. The bond that she has with My Oldest Son is unmistakable and totally reciprocated. I don't begrudge the fact that she earned that special place in his heart (and vice versa). Thank goodness she was there for him when I wasn't ....
I was 26 years old when My Second Son was born. The shaky marriage that started before My Oldest Child was born went through many reconciliations, separations and divorces. We were on reconciliation #3 by the time our Second Son arrived. Things were really falling apart while I was pregnant ... and by the time My Second Son was ready to enter the scene, the note that I left on the table when I went to the hospital to have him was: "The VCR is in the shop; Our Oldest is at Mom's; and I'm in the hospital."
The marriage ended for good and for always 3 months after My Second Son was born. The divorce didn't happen for a few years (I'd already paid for one divorce and then we got remarried. I was determined not to pay for another divorce unless it lasted!). At age 27, I packed up my family and we moved to another province. I was determined to break the cycle of abuse and addiction that defined our previous life. I was broken and had almost zero self confidence when it came to anything 'domestic'. I was pretty confident in my ability to work though. I went into that one and only job interview and sold myself like I've never done before. I was a good worker, I knew my job, I could learn and adapt. I was worthy of getting that job. And I got it.
That move was the wisest decision that I had made in my life to that point. I was in a whole new world. It took a while to make friends, but as I did accumulate new friends out here I found that I was surrounded by an entirely different mindset of people. My friends from my Old Life were the wives of my husband's friends. We were all in a different but similar 'survival mode' in these relationships that weren't good for us. We were bonded by our struggles. The friends I made after I moved were 'whole' people. Strong, supportive, independent ... they were people that I looked up to and aspired to be like. For the first time in my adult life, I felt strong and happy. I felt 'whole'.
I thought that I had found an equal partner in life during this time. I was very gun-shy about a lifetime commitment with a blended family of 6 kids between the 2 of us. So I 'ran'. Eventually we reconciled and when I found myself pregnant and single at age 37, I stayed true to myself. I chose to accept and embrace the situation I was in ... and this time he 'ran'.
10 years ago My Youngest was born. The 10 years that have followed have once again been life altering. I have been an at-home-Mom for those 10 years. I've followed my heart and I have built a life that I wouldn't change for the world.
My Oldest and I have had our tough times during those 10 years (and before that as well) but I think we are back on track. Things aren't perfect, but they are so much better. He has gone back to school and in a career that he has chosen and he's a very healthy financial situation. He's a strong, independent and self supporting soul. He's found someone special in his life and they've been together for about 8 years. Though I think My Oldest still has some 'ghosts' in his past, (in a small way) he started facing up to those. I think he is on the right track.
My Second Son has a good job and working for someone that he truly enjoys. He continues to peel back layers of himself and show the man he has grown into. He is sensitive, open and he accepts his life as it is and just deals with it. He is an amazing big brother to His Younger Brother. He treats me with such an open and giving quality. He is in a serious relationship and I think he's pretty sensitive and open with his girlfriend. He is wise beyond his years.
I see My Youngest Son looking up to his big brothers ... especially My Second Son, because he has always been such a big part of My Youngest's life. His Middle Brother is his 'constant', in a changing world. Yes, he has step brothers, a step sister and even His Oldest Brother. But no one has been with him as much as My Second Son has. They went through a bad spell where things weren't too good. But in My Second Son's maturity, he has really stepped up as a strong male figure in His Youngest Brother's life. He wants to be there for His Brother, in a way his own dad wasn't there for him. My Youngest admires His Older Brother and appreciates what they have ... possibly more so because there was a time when they didn't get along so well.
During this past 10 years, My Youngest's dad and I reconciled and eventually split (for good, this time ... I seem to have a habit of giving my 'forever relationships' three chances before I quit entirely). The split was painful but necessary. The pain spurred me into making choices in my life that have filled my heart and soul. My life is full. I am surrounded by people that are upbeat, encouraging, positive and just generally fun to be around. I'm becoming the person that I've always wanted to be. I have a great life, wonderful friends, an amazing family ... and my own little family unit is getting stronger.
It seems that about every 10 years in my life is a time of growth and renewal. Evolving as a person never ends. I'm so grateful for the path that has led me to this place in my life. It's been a most excellent 10 years!
The birth of each of my children brought a huge amount of transition to my life ...
I was 17 years old when My Oldest was born. I went from child to adult in the blink of an eye and I was simply not ready for any of it (adulthood, parenthood &/or marriage). I was in a shaky marriage that crumbled by the time My Oldest was 4 months old. I moved back home until I got my feet back under me. That was in January. By November I had bought a townhouse and we were forged out on our own.
My mom took care of my son while I worked and grew into my responsibilities as a parent. By the time My Oldest was 2 years old, I was in a much better spot to be a mother. I'm so grateful that my mom stepped up to the plate for me. The bond that she has with My Oldest Son is unmistakable and totally reciprocated. I don't begrudge the fact that she earned that special place in his heart (and vice versa). Thank goodness she was there for him when I wasn't ....
I was 26 years old when My Second Son was born. The shaky marriage that started before My Oldest Child was born went through many reconciliations, separations and divorces. We were on reconciliation #3 by the time our Second Son arrived. Things were really falling apart while I was pregnant ... and by the time My Second Son was ready to enter the scene, the note that I left on the table when I went to the hospital to have him was: "The VCR is in the shop; Our Oldest is at Mom's; and I'm in the hospital."
The marriage ended for good and for always 3 months after My Second Son was born. The divorce didn't happen for a few years (I'd already paid for one divorce and then we got remarried. I was determined not to pay for another divorce unless it lasted!). At age 27, I packed up my family and we moved to another province. I was determined to break the cycle of abuse and addiction that defined our previous life. I was broken and had almost zero self confidence when it came to anything 'domestic'. I was pretty confident in my ability to work though. I went into that one and only job interview and sold myself like I've never done before. I was a good worker, I knew my job, I could learn and adapt. I was worthy of getting that job. And I got it.
That move was the wisest decision that I had made in my life to that point. I was in a whole new world. It took a while to make friends, but as I did accumulate new friends out here I found that I was surrounded by an entirely different mindset of people. My friends from my Old Life were the wives of my husband's friends. We were all in a different but similar 'survival mode' in these relationships that weren't good for us. We were bonded by our struggles. The friends I made after I moved were 'whole' people. Strong, supportive, independent ... they were people that I looked up to and aspired to be like. For the first time in my adult life, I felt strong and happy. I felt 'whole'.
I thought that I had found an equal partner in life during this time. I was very gun-shy about a lifetime commitment with a blended family of 6 kids between the 2 of us. So I 'ran'. Eventually we reconciled and when I found myself pregnant and single at age 37, I stayed true to myself. I chose to accept and embrace the situation I was in ... and this time he 'ran'.
10 years ago My Youngest was born. The 10 years that have followed have once again been life altering. I have been an at-home-Mom for those 10 years. I've followed my heart and I have built a life that I wouldn't change for the world.
My Oldest and I have had our tough times during those 10 years (and before that as well) but I think we are back on track. Things aren't perfect, but they are so much better. He has gone back to school and in a career that he has chosen and he's a very healthy financial situation. He's a strong, independent and self supporting soul. He's found someone special in his life and they've been together for about 8 years. Though I think My Oldest still has some 'ghosts' in his past, (in a small way) he started facing up to those. I think he is on the right track.
My Second Son has a good job and working for someone that he truly enjoys. He continues to peel back layers of himself and show the man he has grown into. He is sensitive, open and he accepts his life as it is and just deals with it. He is an amazing big brother to His Younger Brother. He treats me with such an open and giving quality. He is in a serious relationship and I think he's pretty sensitive and open with his girlfriend. He is wise beyond his years.
I see My Youngest Son looking up to his big brothers ... especially My Second Son, because he has always been such a big part of My Youngest's life. His Middle Brother is his 'constant', in a changing world. Yes, he has step brothers, a step sister and even His Oldest Brother. But no one has been with him as much as My Second Son has. They went through a bad spell where things weren't too good. But in My Second Son's maturity, he has really stepped up as a strong male figure in His Youngest Brother's life. He wants to be there for His Brother, in a way his own dad wasn't there for him. My Youngest admires His Older Brother and appreciates what they have ... possibly more so because there was a time when they didn't get along so well.
During this past 10 years, My Youngest's dad and I reconciled and eventually split (for good, this time ... I seem to have a habit of giving my 'forever relationships' three chances before I quit entirely). The split was painful but necessary. The pain spurred me into making choices in my life that have filled my heart and soul. My life is full. I am surrounded by people that are upbeat, encouraging, positive and just generally fun to be around. I'm becoming the person that I've always wanted to be. I have a great life, wonderful friends, an amazing family ... and my own little family unit is getting stronger.
It seems that about every 10 years in my life is a time of growth and renewal. Evolving as a person never ends. I'm so grateful for the path that has led me to this place in my life. It's been a most excellent 10 years!
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Perspective
Once again, I am reminded to look at my life and days from the outside, looking in ....
Yesterday, a friend dropped in for a surprise visit. She adores children and you could see her reaction to the kids. And their reaction to her. It was immediate and spontaneous. There was an immediate connection.
As I was putting the younger ones down for a nap, I heard one of the 3 yr olds start to tell his tale about a monster being under his bed and he ''screamed like a girl.'' This is a tired little tale that he tells at least 3 times a week at the lunch table. Then it goes around the table and each of the kids have to 'one-up' him on his story. It goes round and round and round and in the end, they are all 'screaming like a girl.'
I've heard the story so many times (and the emphasis seems to be on the ''screaming like a girl'' as the tale gets told and retold), that I basically tune it out now.
Well. My friend laughed and laughed. As a newcomer to the tale, it is sweet. And the little guy who tells the tale is adorable. I think he could make any story a good one, just by being the little person he is.
And I was reminded, once again of the gifts I am surrounded with all day, every day. In my tunnel vision of getting through the various chores, routines, responsibilities, schedules and basically keeping things running on track around here, I miss 'the small stuff'.
It is good to be reminded of the small blessings that surround us every day. Sometimes we are so accustomed to what we have, we forget to appreciate the little moments.
In the end, it is those special little moments that are everything.
Yesterday, a friend dropped in for a surprise visit. She adores children and you could see her reaction to the kids. And their reaction to her. It was immediate and spontaneous. There was an immediate connection.
As I was putting the younger ones down for a nap, I heard one of the 3 yr olds start to tell his tale about a monster being under his bed and he ''screamed like a girl.'' This is a tired little tale that he tells at least 3 times a week at the lunch table. Then it goes around the table and each of the kids have to 'one-up' him on his story. It goes round and round and round and in the end, they are all 'screaming like a girl.'
I've heard the story so many times (and the emphasis seems to be on the ''screaming like a girl'' as the tale gets told and retold), that I basically tune it out now.
Well. My friend laughed and laughed. As a newcomer to the tale, it is sweet. And the little guy who tells the tale is adorable. I think he could make any story a good one, just by being the little person he is.
And I was reminded, once again of the gifts I am surrounded with all day, every day. In my tunnel vision of getting through the various chores, routines, responsibilities, schedules and basically keeping things running on track around here, I miss 'the small stuff'.
It is good to be reminded of the small blessings that surround us every day. Sometimes we are so accustomed to what we have, we forget to appreciate the little moments.
In the end, it is those special little moments that are everything.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Freefalling Thoughts
As I have spent the last few days painting, I couldn't help but think of last year and the marathon painting that I did outside.
The thoughts that went through my mind at that time were full of the pain I was feeling as I was dealing with 'relationship stuff'. I can look at a portion of the fence and know what I was feeling at the time. I don't dwell on it, but I remember.
As I devoted Sunday to the painting job that lay before me, I got out the CD player and some of the favorite songs I have accumulated this last little while. I turned the music up, sang my heart out and the hours flew by.
After all was said and done, I couldn't even remember what I had thought about as I painted. Thoughts were freefalling in my mind ... nothing serious ... just light and fluffy thoughts that I didn't even dwell on long enough to remember.
I was more conscious of my thinking as I painted last night and the thoughts were all enjoyable. I thought about the music and what it made me feel. I sang, I thought about dancing, I dreamed a little. No one thought was lasting. It was all good.
Life is good. My thoughts are reflecting that (or is life reflecting my thoughts??).
The thoughts that went through my mind at that time were full of the pain I was feeling as I was dealing with 'relationship stuff'. I can look at a portion of the fence and know what I was feeling at the time. I don't dwell on it, but I remember.
As I devoted Sunday to the painting job that lay before me, I got out the CD player and some of the favorite songs I have accumulated this last little while. I turned the music up, sang my heart out and the hours flew by.
After all was said and done, I couldn't even remember what I had thought about as I painted. Thoughts were freefalling in my mind ... nothing serious ... just light and fluffy thoughts that I didn't even dwell on long enough to remember.
I was more conscious of my thinking as I painted last night and the thoughts were all enjoyable. I thought about the music and what it made me feel. I sang, I thought about dancing, I dreamed a little. No one thought was lasting. It was all good.
Life is good. My thoughts are reflecting that (or is life reflecting my thoughts??).
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