Saved by the Bell

Man ... did I ever wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning! Well, I actually didn't realize that, until my first 2 children of the day arrived. The minute they demanded anything of me, I realized that I was running on empty.

I'm not coping with the kids. Not at all.

Then the phone rang. It was my sister and she asked how my morning was. I had a chance to let some of my frustrations out in words. To an adult. The moment passed.

Since the return of my full kid-load, I've had schedule changes by 3 of my families that have younger children. One comes for 9 hours a day and I have no idea whether they are coming ... or not (the dad got a new job). They used to come for 3 hours and I knew the shift rotation and knew when to expect them. The second family used to come 2 weeks of full days and 2 weeks from 2:30 until 5:00. For now, they come every single morning, full days every other day and apparently I'm guessing as to when pick-up is again (the parents are separated and things are very up in the air in their world, but they had been keeping me informed as to who was coming and when). The 3rd family is now coming to pick up their child at 5:30 (or later) ... they used to come at 4:30, 3 days a week and between 5:00 & 5:30, 2 days a week (that extra half hour to an hour at the end of the day feels endless). All together, it makes such a difference to my coping skills. Especially because all of these families have 3 yr olds and under.

I am so frustrated, I could scream. I'm afraid that is possibly at the root of my frustration level this morning. I think what is hardest of all, is the fact that I feel like I can't say a word to these families. One mom is pregnant and hasn't kept food down for 2 weeks. Her troubles are far more serious than my frustrations. The other family is doing their best. By a comment that was made when the mom was here yesterday morning, it sounds like it was a rough weekend as they are dealing with their own family crisis.

How can I let this feel like such a big thing when these families are doing their best, in a bad situation?

All I can say is ... thank goodness my sister called. Adult intervention is sometimes the best medicine.

A Year Ago Today ...

I had a hard time getting out of bed this morning. I feel rather blah. So I thought I'd reread my words from a year ago:

Sunday, Nov 11/07 6:53 pm

I just realized that I hadn't even thought about sitting down and journalling my thoughts these past many days. Wow. I think that is quite possibly the best sign of my state of mind yet. No need to rehash, recall, mull over any of my thoughts. No loneliness to drive me to sit at the computer and write to myself. My thoughts are completely and totally ... normal. Time on my hands, a long weekend is here with oodles of down time ... it is my birthday today ... nothing. I am good. I feel good. I feel blessed and surrounded by wonderful, uplifting, caring, vital and good, good people in my life!!! Idle time is my friend once again. No nervous energy to wear off. No need to bide the hours with something to distract me. No need to run off anywhere. It had crossed my mind to possibly head out to Edmonton this weekend, but as the time neared, it simply wasn't necessary. We are planning on going out at Christmas and that will be good. It will be good to go for all of the right reasons (not that any of my running escapades have turned out to be anything other than fantastic, but it is nice to just go because I want to go).

And so I begin the 48th year of my life ... 47 years old today .... I appreciate the wisdom I have gained .... the strong bonds I have formed in my life .... the 'life' I have made for myself and my family .... I feel my home is my refuge, my place of happiness, contentment .... I feel that all of the people in my life are good for me ... they bring me up and are simply good people. I am happy. I am happy!! And I am so content. My self confidence is back and possibly stronger than before. All that was shattered is coming back together and I feel better than I have in such a very long time. I am so blessed. So very, very blessed. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!!!

One year and one day later ...

I could have written those exact same words again yesterday. There is something that I gained in my life that has remained with me. And so begins the next year of my life!

An Early Morning Epiphany

I woke up to a most marvelous dream this morning ...

In my dream, I had found someone special and had fallen in love again. I looked up into his eyes and knew the feeling was mutual.

Then, in typical dream/movie fashion, I was able to turn back the clock to the moment we met. In reliving that precious moment, I wanted to make a better first impression. So I did something different. The dream continued ... and because I changed that one moment in time, he never did notice me, we never met and the course of my life was changed forever.

I woke up at that moment and laid there with those thoughts drifting through my mind. Each action, word we speak, decision we make (or don't) can alter the course of our life forever.

It would be so interesting if we could turn back the hands of time and see where we would be today if we had altered just one thing in our lives. I've seen too many movies with this as the theme, but I believe that Hollywood is right. (In most non-life threatening cases) no matter where we think we would be, if we could change just one moment in time ... it wouldn't be better than the spot we are in right now.

A Bonus Day

I am savoring a 'mid-week' day off today. I wrote about wishing for a bonus hour in the day yesterday morning and I woke up this morning with an entire bonus day!

I love days without a scheduled agenda, though I have a hidden one in mind. Today is like that. I have an idea what I hope to do with my spare hours today but I expect a few interruptions. It's unlike the days off that I had when I was in the thick of putting together Mom's family history book. Days that I didn't want to share or invite interruptions. This feeling is enjoyable.

Ideas are free falling through my mind and I love it. Creativity doesn't work when it's forced upon you.

That said, I must keep this short. The minutes are ticking away. After I wrote that sentence, I jotted down a short list of my free falling thoughts. Time to act on a few ....

Winter is in the Air

We have had a beautiful fall. It has stretched on so long that I forgot that winter was around the corner.

This morning there is just a light dusting of snow on the ground. The streets look icy and it's minus 4 outside ...

I'm not really looking forward to the cold, winter season ahead. Short days and little sun don't always add up to the best of coping skills.

Last winter went by so fast. That is my aim once again this year. I have enough projects on the go to keep me busy all winter and into spring. Too many projects? Maybe. But just enough to keep my mind busy. A busy mind is a happy mind (as long as it is busy with good things).

I don't know what lies in store for me today. I guess I'm glad that I've got kids coming today (I just wish I knew how many). It forces me to get up and ready for the day at an earlier hour.

I just read a comment that a friend (from Alberta) wrote on facebook on the morning of daylight savings time. She was annoyed that she was awake at 6 am due to the time change. I sighed when I read that. What a bonus it would be to wake up at the same time and have the illusion of one extra hour added onto your morning! I love mornings ... to have the gift of an 'extra hour' would be fantastic. I guess I could set the clock in my room an hour ahead and be 'surprised' every morning by that bonus hour ...

What could a person could do with an extra hour each day?

I Love Weekends!!

I have now had 2 solid months of 2-day weekends. And it is fantastic!!

The unfortunate part is - the more time off I have, the less I accomplish. Odd ... but true.

My time seems to be filled with people and activity, not hustle and bustle. And this is good. Focusing on friends and family is a wonderful investment of time. I seem to be renewing old friendships, finding stronger friendships among those I already had, getting to know people better and simply having the time to savor each visit.

It is still such a novelty to have this luxury of time. Having only one day off made me so greedy with the time that I had left at the end of a day or week. And I'm sure I exuded that feeling that I was always watching the clock. As time has become more plentiful, I have had the most relaxing visits.

I have had a weekend immersed in friends and family. Between long distance phone bundles, emails and friends near by ... a person can so easily keep in touch.

I love these 2 day weekends!

Turning a Corner

I had a very good day.

I had an 'all small kid' load today. And it was enjoyable. I didn't enjoy the part where the 2 yr old threw up his lunch ... but the rest was okay.

I even found some 'movie moments' in the day. I have started video taping the kids once again and when I made up our Friday Video to post on the daycare blog, I watched it over and over again. When I see the recap of my week in a 3 1/2 minute video clip, set to soothing music, it makes me wonder what I was so worked up about ... (a little bit, anyway).

In the quiet of the day, I was able to putter away at 3 of my Christmas projects. None completely finished ... but all, well under way. That feels great! The bad thing about having so many different ideas in my head, is that I just don't know where to start. Start at the beginning ... that's a very good place to begin (I believe that's from the Sound of Music).

I sat down and recapped the year in all the various parts of my life, just to see what I have to work with for my Christmas writing.

My personal and family life was full! I haven't had a chance to really sit and ponder it, but there was always something going on. From personal goals achieved ... to family events and celebrations. My heart and home are happy. It's been an eventful year.

Time spent with friends has been plentiful. I wrote down some of the bigger events, but the year was filled with small and meaningful visits as well. I haven't made room for 'friends' in my life for a very long time. This past year has been absolutely miraculous. It was a very 'friendly' year!

I sat and wrote down my daycare happenings. I had one child outgrow his need to come to daycare and I had 2 new families begin coming here. I had one child come (his mother was frantic to find someone) for the 2 months before my new 1 year old began. But other than that ... it has been a very stable and uneventful daycare year. That is a good thing. I like it when my families stay for the long term. It is so much easier when everyone knows everyone. From the kids knowing their friends come and stay ... to me knowing my parents ... and knowing the kids. Stable and uneventful is good, in the daycare world. I'm finding positives at every turn now.

This is what the magic of Christmas does for me. It takes me out of body and lets me look at my life from the outside, looking in. When I sit and write my Christmas letters, poems, cards and everything else that I create, I find myself focusing on the positive. When I think about the gifts I can give, I am thinking of the recipient. The gift of giving is the best gift that I could ever receive.

I've been waiting to start to feel these Christmas time feelings. I usually start focusing on Christmas soon after Thanksgiving. I'm running behind this year. Maybe that is part of the reason that I have been feeling so overwhelmed. Maybe I need to put some of the other projects that I have on the go, on a back burner for now. Focusing on what I love about Christmas will fuel my fires and I'll be ready to tackle my other projects full throttle, when I have Christmas behind me.

I was asked the question 'What are your 2 favorite holidays?' recently. I should have answered that Christmas was one of them. I shunned the idea, because it felt like it would read as if I liked getting gifts. That couldn't be further from the truth. I love the card exchange, connecting with friends and family, finding ways to give without spending money and creating some kind of 'magic' in my gifts ...

When I started this blog, it was to try to find a way to keep that spirit of Christmas alive all year long. In many, many ways that has happened. I have never been in closer contact with so many people ... all year long. I have gifted small tokens of 'gifts' throughout the year. I have had 'Christmas' all year!

Christmas does this for me every year. Focusing on others takes the focus off of me. I need to get out of my own head sometimes. I was ready for this season.

Yes, I do believe that I have finally turned that corner and I am headed down Happy Street once more!!