Every time I think about the journey that I have embarked on (in collecting memories from my dad's family), I am infused with enthusiasm and excitement. The stories that I have started to collect, the people that I have talked to and the ideas I have for this 'book' are many (and growing). I want to talk to more people, collect a full range of memories, paint a vivid picture of my dad's family and somehow find a way to put this all together so that the (eventual) reader will feel my excitement.
The time it takes to co-ordinate 'all of the above' is limited. I am taking every opportunity that I have, to talk to people. I hope that the enthusiasm that I feel for this project is contagious and that I can spread that energy to the people that I am in contact with.
It feels invigorating to feel so passionate about something. I believe that it has put a bounce in my step, a sparkle in my eye and is a great contributing factor the the happiness that I feel within. To do something out of choice, rather than obligation creates an excitement inside of me.
I wish that I could devote myself to this project without distraction. I'm sure life's many distractions serve a purpose - so that this project gets some breathing room as it grows. But at the moment those very distractions are at the root of an exhaustion that is seeping into my bones.
Life goes on. I have a life that keeps me fairly busy ... and now I'm trying to work in an hour or two of exercise into that schedule. I am finding that the exercise fuels me and keeps my body running longer. But it has a price.
I've been failing at the 'calorie budget' that I have had such success with the past few weeks. I sit down at the end of a busy day and I'm not ready to fall asleep. So ... I eat. I have been craving food and the sensation that I get eating, chewing, tasting and simply filling up. I haven't stopped recording what I eat and trying to tally up the total amount of calories that I consume in a day. But it has escalated. It feels out of control.
I feel like exhaustion that is the contributing factor to my excessive eating this week. I'm happy, content and fulfilled in every way. The only thing that I am lacking, is down-time. And sleep.
I am so grateful for the uncommitted long weekend that is in store. I hope to fill my reserves and catch up on some R & R. I have already started a list of what I hope to accomplish with my 3 free days. One of those items is to take Kurt to see a movie that we simply haven't had time to see. If I spend the time surrounding that movie with must-do tasks, I won't have time to eat before we go and I should be able to 'splurge' on some theatre popcorn.
The success that I was feeling and seeing as I charted my progress of calorie intake, calories used and my weight has taken a nose dive. The weight that I thought that I lost ... is almost all back. Not a case of 'easy come, easy go'. Much more the opposite. 'Hard to go, easy to gain!'
I'm not giving up easily. I plan to fill my 'sleep tank' and hope that the food cravings subside.
It is exhausting being so excited about life. I hope to find the balance that works for me and keep on moving ahead.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Give Yourself a Break Today
"When you do not treat yourself the way you want others to treat you, you can never change the way things are." - The Secret
I read this quote from 'The Secret' a few days ago and it has been resonating in my mind ever since.
I've learned to be kinder to myself over the course of my life. In doing so, I seem to find myself being treated better by everyone around me. Thus, this statement rings very true.
Yes, I still beat myself up over things that I have the ability to improve. There are traits within me, that are simply a part of my being ... that I've learned to accept. Or else I voice them, so that there is a consciousness that I am aware of my many imperfections.
I've had a history of relationships where I believe that I was treated the way I treated myself at the time. Over the years, I've learned that I deserve to be treated better. So ... I started that process by treating myself better.
I have (unconsciously) found myself surrounded in positive, healthy relationships. I have filled my life with people who make me feel good. Uplifting, positive, encouraging souls fuel me.
If a person truly believes that they are the best that they can be, no one should have the power to make them believe any less than that.
Everyone has their limitations. Even (especially) those who sit in a place and judge others, are no more perfect than anyone else.
Why do some people have a habit of bringing down those around them? What joy is there in creating sorrow in others? If we believe in ourselves enough ... we should be able to weather some storms and still come out with our self esteem intact.
I was recently told that I look happy. I've been a pretty sombre person for a lot of my life ... so to hear that someone sees joy within me was a huge compliment. More than that, I think it is something that absolutely everyone deserves.
I wish I had a recipe for that happiness. If you don't believe in yourself, who will? It must start from within. Every single person that walks this earth has value.
Small steps - immersing yourself in positive vibes is the best place to start. The people who make you laugh and smile, are the people worth investing your time and energy on. There will be people who are a part of your life that sap your reserves ... but if you have a good supply of self esteem and positiveness within ... they can't bring you down for long.
Celebrate yourself and let yourself off the hook. Just give yourself a break today (yes ... I do often go to McDonald's, as their theme song goes through my mind on 'days like those' where you really do need a pick-me-up).
I read this quote from 'The Secret' a few days ago and it has been resonating in my mind ever since.
I've learned to be kinder to myself over the course of my life. In doing so, I seem to find myself being treated better by everyone around me. Thus, this statement rings very true.
Yes, I still beat myself up over things that I have the ability to improve. There are traits within me, that are simply a part of my being ... that I've learned to accept. Or else I voice them, so that there is a consciousness that I am aware of my many imperfections.
I've had a history of relationships where I believe that I was treated the way I treated myself at the time. Over the years, I've learned that I deserve to be treated better. So ... I started that process by treating myself better.
I have (unconsciously) found myself surrounded in positive, healthy relationships. I have filled my life with people who make me feel good. Uplifting, positive, encouraging souls fuel me.
If a person truly believes that they are the best that they can be, no one should have the power to make them believe any less than that.
Everyone has their limitations. Even (especially) those who sit in a place and judge others, are no more perfect than anyone else.
Why do some people have a habit of bringing down those around them? What joy is there in creating sorrow in others? If we believe in ourselves enough ... we should be able to weather some storms and still come out with our self esteem intact.
I was recently told that I look happy. I've been a pretty sombre person for a lot of my life ... so to hear that someone sees joy within me was a huge compliment. More than that, I think it is something that absolutely everyone deserves.
I wish I had a recipe for that happiness. If you don't believe in yourself, who will? It must start from within. Every single person that walks this earth has value.
Small steps - immersing yourself in positive vibes is the best place to start. The people who make you laugh and smile, are the people worth investing your time and energy on. There will be people who are a part of your life that sap your reserves ... but if you have a good supply of self esteem and positiveness within ... they can't bring you down for long.
Celebrate yourself and let yourself off the hook. Just give yourself a break today (yes ... I do often go to McDonald's, as their theme song goes through my mind on 'days like those' where you really do need a pick-me-up).
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Anticipation!
I am moments away from getting together with my sisters for a family-fun-filled Mother's Day weekend. I'm all a glistening from the inside out with anticipation for the 36 hours (more or less) that we have in store.
What are our plans? Absolutely nothing more than getting together with our brother and Mom to go out for supper tonight. Mom and her children.
We are so incredibly blessed. There is no underlying tension among any one of us. We are each other's cheering section, support system, friend, confidant and ... we just so happen to be related. I could not have hand picked a better family to be a part of. And, as with a tremendous group of friends that I know ... I sit back in awe, at times. Marvelling that I am part of such a special group.
As I begin the process of collecting memories for Dad's family's history book and I've already gone through the process of collecting Mom's memories ... I love hearing of the people that they were before they were married.
I listen to Dad's traits and stories that my uncles tell me about him. I've listened to Mom recall many of her childhood memories and the person she was as a child. I have heard how about my grandparents morals, work ethics, personalities and beliefs formed their families and how many of these traits were carried on through Mom and Dad, in raising us. I love what I hear ... and I love how I feel a part of this family because I feel and act very similar.
Is it in the genes ... or is it the environment in which we were raised? Perhaps a little of both. But from what I know and what I feel, I could not ask for a better family to be a part of. My only hope is that I can pass this down to my own children. What better legacy to leave behind, than that of family ...
What are our plans? Absolutely nothing more than getting together with our brother and Mom to go out for supper tonight. Mom and her children.
We are so incredibly blessed. There is no underlying tension among any one of us. We are each other's cheering section, support system, friend, confidant and ... we just so happen to be related. I could not have hand picked a better family to be a part of. And, as with a tremendous group of friends that I know ... I sit back in awe, at times. Marvelling that I am part of such a special group.
As I begin the process of collecting memories for Dad's family's history book and I've already gone through the process of collecting Mom's memories ... I love hearing of the people that they were before they were married.
I listen to Dad's traits and stories that my uncles tell me about him. I've listened to Mom recall many of her childhood memories and the person she was as a child. I have heard how about my grandparents morals, work ethics, personalities and beliefs formed their families and how many of these traits were carried on through Mom and Dad, in raising us. I love what I hear ... and I love how I feel a part of this family because I feel and act very similar.
Is it in the genes ... or is it the environment in which we were raised? Perhaps a little of both. But from what I know and what I feel, I could not ask for a better family to be a part of. My only hope is that I can pass this down to my own children. What better legacy to leave behind, than that of family ...
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
I Can See Clearly Now
It's like I've been living in a haze.
Lately, I've been wondering ...
Why I am having such a hard time with balance at my dance lessons? Why haven't I had a good hair day in 2 months? What's with this continual upward spiral my weight has been taking?
This is just a small sampling on the things that have been playing havoc with my mind lately. If this is the most that I have to worry about, I am the luckiest person alive.
The answers started coming to me fast and furious this past week.
I honestly thought that I couldn't balance at dancing anymore because of my weight gain. I assumed that my equilibrium just couldn't keep up with the pounds that were adding up every week. Then I admitted my inability to balance, at my dance lesson last week and my instructor assured me that it had nothing to do with my weight and most assuredly had something to do with my shoes. Sure enough, the lifts on the heels of my shoes had worn down in such a way that it was a fight to simply stand on my shoes, let alone dance/turn in them. Solution: new heel lifts. I pick up my repaired shoes today.
My hair! I was getting so frustrated with it. Every day was a bad hair day. I blamed my last haircut for the problem. Then I finally realized that the brush I was using to blow dry my hair was too small for the length that my hair has grown to. Sure enough! Upon browsing the hair brushes in the store last night, there were different sized brushes for various styling needs. I bought a new 'straightening' brush and couldn't wait to try it out. Outcome: the first good hair day since I can't remember when!
The weight gain. The more I fretted, the more I ate. The more I ate, the less I felt like moving. The lack of physical movement and excess of food somehow kept translating to more weight gain. Go figure.
I tried different types of 'cleansing' where there were many 'forbidden foods' to avoid. That was a recipe for disaster, since I tend to crave what I cannot have.
I tried many combinations of adding and subtracting good and bad food and exercise habits into my life gradually ... to be 'rewarded' by extra weight being added on at the end of the week.
After that, I convinced myself that I must have a thyroid problem. I discovered that I had 1/2 of the symptoms of an under active thyroid and it gave me a small amount of solace to have an excuse.
Then ... I came up with my 'calorie budget' plan. I found a chart that let me know how the maximum amount of calories I could consume in a day, to lose "X" amount of weight in "X" amount of time. If I was active, I could consume more calories. If I wasn't as active, I had a smaller amount of calories that I could consume. It's amazing how much easier it is to exercise, when it is part of that mathematical calculation. I enjoy eating. I'm not into starvation or depriving myself. I chose to move.
Now ... consuming less and moving more has finally started the downward descent of my weight. Again, this is so obvious it's embarrassing to admit that it is a revelation to me. I've exercised (lightly) before. I've cut back on food portions (slightly) before. In those days, it worked. As the years are gaining on me, I do have to exercise a little harder and eat a lot wiser. Another revelation.
As these obvious solutions start revealing themselves to me, I wonder what was causing my hazy vision. Looking for answers instead of excuses is the first step to clarity.
Lately, I've been wondering ...
Why I am having such a hard time with balance at my dance lessons? Why haven't I had a good hair day in 2 months? What's with this continual upward spiral my weight has been taking?
This is just a small sampling on the things that have been playing havoc with my mind lately. If this is the most that I have to worry about, I am the luckiest person alive.
The answers started coming to me fast and furious this past week.
I honestly thought that I couldn't balance at dancing anymore because of my weight gain. I assumed that my equilibrium just couldn't keep up with the pounds that were adding up every week. Then I admitted my inability to balance, at my dance lesson last week and my instructor assured me that it had nothing to do with my weight and most assuredly had something to do with my shoes. Sure enough, the lifts on the heels of my shoes had worn down in such a way that it was a fight to simply stand on my shoes, let alone dance/turn in them. Solution: new heel lifts. I pick up my repaired shoes today.
My hair! I was getting so frustrated with it. Every day was a bad hair day. I blamed my last haircut for the problem. Then I finally realized that the brush I was using to blow dry my hair was too small for the length that my hair has grown to. Sure enough! Upon browsing the hair brushes in the store last night, there were different sized brushes for various styling needs. I bought a new 'straightening' brush and couldn't wait to try it out. Outcome: the first good hair day since I can't remember when!
The weight gain. The more I fretted, the more I ate. The more I ate, the less I felt like moving. The lack of physical movement and excess of food somehow kept translating to more weight gain. Go figure.
I tried different types of 'cleansing' where there were many 'forbidden foods' to avoid. That was a recipe for disaster, since I tend to crave what I cannot have.
I tried many combinations of adding and subtracting good and bad food and exercise habits into my life gradually ... to be 'rewarded' by extra weight being added on at the end of the week.
After that, I convinced myself that I must have a thyroid problem. I discovered that I had 1/2 of the symptoms of an under active thyroid and it gave me a small amount of solace to have an excuse.
Then ... I came up with my 'calorie budget' plan. I found a chart that let me know how the maximum amount of calories I could consume in a day, to lose "X" amount of weight in "X" amount of time. If I was active, I could consume more calories. If I wasn't as active, I had a smaller amount of calories that I could consume. It's amazing how much easier it is to exercise, when it is part of that mathematical calculation. I enjoy eating. I'm not into starvation or depriving myself. I chose to move.
Now ... consuming less and moving more has finally started the downward descent of my weight. Again, this is so obvious it's embarrassing to admit that it is a revelation to me. I've exercised (lightly) before. I've cut back on food portions (slightly) before. In those days, it worked. As the years are gaining on me, I do have to exercise a little harder and eat a lot wiser. Another revelation.
As these obvious solutions start revealing themselves to me, I wonder what was causing my hazy vision. Looking for answers instead of excuses is the first step to clarity.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
A Friend is ...
I just received a forwarded email and this little motto at the end seemed share worthy:
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra....
Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always Lifts You Up
Never Lets You Down or
Leaves You Hanging
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!
Too Busy to Blog
I'm 'living my life' these days ... and it sure is time consuming!
I have yet another day with a busy agenda ahead of me today. A new family to adjust to, in my daycare world ... month end and year end busyness in my book-keeping job ... Dad's family history that I'm starting to collect ... the usual errands to run (I wish my groceries would just magically replenish themselves) ... plans for the weekend ... and exercise.
I've prioritized the exercise portion of that paragraph. When I have 2 big jobs ahead of me, I will exercise first. I know that if it gets put off, it won't get done. Not to mention, usually the 2 big jobs have been 'exercise' and 'book keeping'. The book keeping is a job, a responsibility and I get paid for it. So there is no way that it will not get done. So, I put exercise ahead of that and both big jobs are getting accomplished. That didn't feel like such a wise choice at 10:15 last night, when I looked at the 15 minutes worth of work that I still had to face. But ... it got finished.
Prying myself out of bed a little bit earlier in the morning to squeeze in 1/2 an hour of exercise before the day begins has been a challenge. But ... it's a 1/2 hour that I wouldn't find at any other point in the day. So it gets done.
My mind is so busy with my dad's family's memories whenever it has a chance to idle. Oh, how I would love to put the rest of my life on hold and just immerse myself in that! I am so excited about where I want this 'story' to go ... the people I want to talk to ... the time that I want to spend on this to do it right.
I can visualize myself living my dream. I can picture myself right now ... running a little 'inn' ... and curling up with a pen and pad (or computer) and helping people 'tell their story' as I compiled family stories and put them together in my spare time.
Spare time ... that sounds pretty good right now.
I have yet another day with a busy agenda ahead of me today. A new family to adjust to, in my daycare world ... month end and year end busyness in my book-keeping job ... Dad's family history that I'm starting to collect ... the usual errands to run (I wish my groceries would just magically replenish themselves) ... plans for the weekend ... and exercise.
I've prioritized the exercise portion of that paragraph. When I have 2 big jobs ahead of me, I will exercise first. I know that if it gets put off, it won't get done. Not to mention, usually the 2 big jobs have been 'exercise' and 'book keeping'. The book keeping is a job, a responsibility and I get paid for it. So there is no way that it will not get done. So, I put exercise ahead of that and both big jobs are getting accomplished. That didn't feel like such a wise choice at 10:15 last night, when I looked at the 15 minutes worth of work that I still had to face. But ... it got finished.
Prying myself out of bed a little bit earlier in the morning to squeeze in 1/2 an hour of exercise before the day begins has been a challenge. But ... it's a 1/2 hour that I wouldn't find at any other point in the day. So it gets done.
My mind is so busy with my dad's family's memories whenever it has a chance to idle. Oh, how I would love to put the rest of my life on hold and just immerse myself in that! I am so excited about where I want this 'story' to go ... the people I want to talk to ... the time that I want to spend on this to do it right.
I can visualize myself living my dream. I can picture myself right now ... running a little 'inn' ... and curling up with a pen and pad (or computer) and helping people 'tell their story' as I compiled family stories and put them together in my spare time.
Spare time ... that sounds pretty good right now.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Racing Against Time
The day passed in a blur ... so much for my time budget!
I had an agenda for the day and now that it's almost midnight, I can finally say that I accomplished almost everything that I had hoped to.
I'm feeling rather euphoric about my life. I feel back in control. Busy, motivated and under just enough pressure to keep me moving. An active mind is a happy mind.
It was a busy and productive day. Before I go itemizing the day's events, it's best just to wrap it up by saying that I'm glad I don't have to do it all again tomorrow!
I am off to meet up with my uncles and collect some family history and memories tomorrow. Another chapter of my life begins ...
I had an agenda for the day and now that it's almost midnight, I can finally say that I accomplished almost everything that I had hoped to.
I'm feeling rather euphoric about my life. I feel back in control. Busy, motivated and under just enough pressure to keep me moving. An active mind is a happy mind.
It was a busy and productive day. Before I go itemizing the day's events, it's best just to wrap it up by saying that I'm glad I don't have to do it all again tomorrow!
I am off to meet up with my uncles and collect some family history and memories tomorrow. Another chapter of my life begins ...
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