So Much Time ... So Little To Do

I was awake at the crack of dawn today.

I was out the door and en route to pick up milk, new jeans and ink for the printer by 7 a.m. - I thought that it would be the only opportunity that I would have to pick up those much-needed items today.

I was expecting a load of book-work to be dropped off this morning. Work that would not only keep me busy all day and weekend ... but most likely for the duration of the week ahead.

I wondered when I'd have time to clean the house and have a shower. But I knew that I'd need the break from the endless hours at the computer. I would fit it in.

Then it happened. The work didn't come.

The momentum for my day stopped in that instant. All of a sudden I went from highly inspired and energetic to ... nothing.

I did absolutely nothing but follow where comments on some of the blogs that I read, led me. I found yet another interesting life to follow. I did nothing else. For hours.

Then, I sat and had coffee with Second Son when he came home from his early morning meeting, (with coffee in hand). We chatted. And visited some more. The minutes and hours ticked by.

The less I did, the less I felt capable of doing. Suddenly, the mere idea of cleaning the house exhausted me. Let alone having a shower.

Eventually I moved. Once heading myself in a forward direction, I managed to tackle both items on today's abbreviated to-do list. Whew!

Then I had to make supper ...

Will this day never end?!

Loose Ends

I've spent the past few days dealing with loose ends.

I've had a good deal of things-to-do in an almost-done state. The act of completing a task and swiping the table clean (literally, since I usually keep that-which-is-unfinished in a pile in plain view, to remind me that I still have to do it) is liberating.

Instead of feeling like I have the energy draining out of me, I am energized. That energy spent on not doing things has been wasting a lot of my resources lately.

I continually remind myself that I have to ''Just Do It!" ... yet I don't follow my own advise. Why don't I remember how great it feels to wipe the slate clean?! But I do remember. I just get lost in the fine art of procrastinating and it drains me.

Today ... I am energized. The table has been cleared of those pesky to-do piles of work.

I have another pile that I've hidden for a while. It's time to spend some of that energy on my dad's family history. Not doing that has been exhausting.

It is time to deal with a few more loose ends.

Maybe tomorrow (here we go again) ...

No News is Boring News

It's been a quiet news-week at our house. The only breaking news-story is:

• Our dryer died late Saturday night.
• Ever hopeful that it could be revived one more time, I called an appliance repairman early Monday morning. Only to discover that is terminal. It needs a new motor. They stopped making motors for this dryer. This news flash cost $65.95.
• I don't enjoy life without a dryer. Youngest Son had a friend sleep over two nights ago. I have yet to put away the air mattress and bedding. Why? Because I always wash (and dry) the sheets and 'fluff' the comforter. The hamper is full. I am paralyzed.
• I don't remember to clean the cat litter when I am not drawn to the laundry room to remind me of this daily chore. Our cat is thinking about moving out.
• New dryer verses used dryer verses repairing the old dryer with a used motor. Oh, the dilemma.
• Repairing the old dryer with a second hand motor has won. Primarily, so that I can put my $65.95 service call charge towards the final bill. Secondly, because it will be half of the cost. Thirdly, I am still in financial disrepair since the Great Dance Adventure. So frugality must prevail.
• I am awaiting the return call of my appliance repairman. The clock ticks. The dirty laundry piles up. The cat litter is forgotten.
• I am grateful that there is no school this week. My Youngest wears shorts and muscle shirts when he is indoors. Winter or summer. He has one week's worth of these outfits. Long pants? Two pairs.
• I am hoping, wishing and praying that we get our dryer fixed today. I'm in laundry withdrawal. I need to catch up!
• So much for saving up for Great Dance Adventures, a new (used) car and an Alaskan Cruise. I need to start up a Dryer Fund.

That's it for news. Hopefully tomorrow I'll have some other topic stuck in my brain.

Reality

As the real world descended upon me yesterday, I started looking at the events of the weekend past from a different perspective.

I started rewinding the tape.

I took a most excellent day and I dissected it until I brought myself down to the person that I'm trying not to be. I was second guessing, reexamining and wishing I could 'redo' parts of the day.

But I can't.

All I can do, is 'pay it forward'. I'll take those things that I wish I had done differently and do them better the next time. Because there will be a next time.

In the mean time, it is back to the real world. At least until I start collecting more memories from my dad's family and friends. Then I will have the pleasure of immersing myself in the past.

It's nice to have some diversions from the daily grind. April is full of them for me. It's a good way to live. Reality grounds me. Plans, hopes and dreams keep me alive.

Making Memories

It was a fantastic Easter weekend. A little bit of this, a little bit of that, a lot of fun, surrounded by family and a little time to absorb it all at the end.

It is our Easter tradition, to get together with my mom so that I can do her income tax. Sometimes she comes to me ... other times, I go to her. But Easter always comes in the spring and before April 30th. A combination that makes 'Easter' a time for Mom.

This year, her birthday conveniently landed on the same weekend. And luckily, I heard of a few family members who hadn't made Easter plans. So I took a chance and invited 'the family' for an Easter/Birthday gathering.

It felt right, from the moment the thought came to my mind.

I can't begin to count the number of times that I have had that instinctual thought, that I have talked myself out of doing. "I can't"... "I'm scared" ... "What if no one accepts?" ... "It's too much work" ... It's out of my comfort zone is what it all boiled down to.

The last few years have taught me one valuable lesson. "If you think it, then say it. And do it!" I have come up with a few wild ideas (wild to me, anyway) throughout these past years. I have followed up on so many of them, that I can't think of the ones that I have shied away from. I have absolutely no regrets.

This weekend was a perfect example of why you must follow through on those 'great ideas'. Sister #1 immediately responded "What a great idea! I'll ask my family" (and just over half of her family was able to attend). Sister #2 did not respond. She was afraid that her family would accept the invitation. And they did! I have earned the nick name "Crazy Lady" ... but if this was a crazy idea, I wish I had earned the title long ago. My Only Brother had already made other plans, but he knew that it would be a success. And it was.

Our family is a mixture of personalities. Everyone has something special and unique to add to the pot. You put all of that together on a sunny Saturday afternoon, and the result is ... perfection.

If I let the day 'blur' in my mind, what I hear, see and feel is 'happiness'. The kids played together, met some second cousins and made new friends. I don't recall any crying or fighting or discord of any sort. That could be because their parents kept a distant, but watchful eye over things and nothing ever got out of hand. But also, I think it's because they were just a bunch of kids having fun.

My sisters are an extension of my mind and appendages. I didn't even have to think a thought and it was done. Food came and went. The kitchen was under control at all times. Possibly it was because they took on more of the worrying than I did. I'm not sure what I was doing as all of this was happening, but the load was definitely shared by many.

My adult sons took on the role of co-hosts. I often worry about the men, when these gatherings take place at my house. I don't have much entertainment for the guys. For the most part, I have lived my life 'solo', so I don't have a live-in male co-conspirator at my side. But I forgot. Boys grow into men. And my sons stepped up to the plate with ease. My Youngest has a ways to go ... but I have no doubt, with his Older Brothers as role models, he will follow in their footsteps one day.

I had no idea what the weather would have in store for us, so I didn't set up the tables in advance (not knowing if supper would be an indoor meal or outside). But that wasn't a problem. The men set up and dismantled the tables and chairs and I didn't lift a finger.

It was a day where I didn't even have to think. It unfolded on its own (with a great deal of assistance by my family). I had a chance to talk to many. I relaxed. I enjoyed every moment.

But the best gift of all, is that perhaps my mom enjoyed it as well. She found a quieter, warmer spot in the house (the weather co-operated and we were able to spend the day outside) and had the opportunity to have a more up close and personal visit with her family. It was her birthday. She was the unknowing guest of honor. She was the reason that so many wanted to come. Noise and crowds have never been her cup of tea, but in the relative quietness of the kitchen, she was able to take in the part of these gatherings that she enjoys. One-on-one time with her kith and kin.

My own little family had the entirety of Friday, to entertain Mom. We had an 'unwritten' agenda that we had in the back of our minds. Once again, the day unfolded easily. We visited, we laughed and we dreamed. We spoke of the past but focused on the future. It was a day filled with humor and joy.

I had a quiet day to absorb the events of the weekend. It was a day where I reflected on the weekend-past and a few emails that I wanted to send. I didn't have any public declarations to make. I shared my words with a hand picked 'audience'. I let myself simply absorb and savor the memories.

I look at my family - my siblings and our 'extensions of ourselves' ... our children. I marvel at the connections that we have and that we are nurturing. Looking beyond my immediate family and getting to know my own aunts and uncles has helped me to appreciate every little memory that we are making along life's way. The small stuff is big. Belonging to a family that feels so connected is a gift. I marvel at my parents for their role in guiding us into the people we became.

Then I wonder. Am I giving that same gift to my own children? I hope so ...

A Piece of Magic

It worked. Much to my mom's amazement ... she felt a piece of the magic that I feel at the dance studio last night.

I had my fears. I thought that I had pushed too far. I was afraid that the gift of a dance lesson was taking Mom too far out of her comfort zone. Her words were not entirely frivolous as she spoke of her discomfort about taking advantage of the gift I had offered. My gift of hoping she would experience the magic I feel during my dance lesson.

We walked into the dance studio and my dance instructor took over with ease. He treated my mom the way that I knew that he would. He made her feel comfortable. He did what I was unable to do with words. The magic of dancing ... the magic of knowing exactly what to say and make her feel comfortable.

I have had a hard time coming to terms with my invincible mom slowing down. She's been a vibrant source of energy throughout every memory that I have. She often talks about herself as a child ... as a young girl ... and as she grew up and into the spunky mom that I know and love. I've seen her stand up and face whatever life throws at her. She has been an unending source of encouragement and support. She has an inner fire and spirit that has melted the years away.

I wanted her to feel what I feel, as I have let myself be enveloped by the magic of the dance studio. I feel ageless when I waft about in the company that I keep when I dance. I believe that dancing has given that to me.

I knew the years would melt away when she got wrapped up in the spirit. I pushed this 'gift' at her. But I was becoming uncomfortable with her discomfort. We agreed that we would just go with the flow once we got there.

And she danced. She warmed up to the music that was being played at the time. She got to dance to one of the songs that has a special place in her heart. She danced some more ... and then it was my turn. We danced to another one of her favorites ...

As she was being introduced to the other instructors at the studio, I was reminded (in jest, but also with sincerity), that I was reneging on the gift that I had wanted to give my mom. Although my instructor brought me back to reality and asked my mom to dance another dance ... I infringed on the gift that I had so wanted to give. I danced too.

Mom insisted that watching my lesson in progress was a gift in itself, but I couldn't shake the feeling that I should have insisted that the lesson end with her having the last dance. How could I get so caught up my own enjoyment that I missed that moment??

We got home and she told me that she was very glad that she went. Yes, she could see how I feel the way I feel about dancing. The feeling within the studio, the entire staff and students and my instructor.

My instructor. I will never forget my first dance lesson. I had to sit down and have a chat with myself afterwards and remind myself that it is his job to make people feel the way that I felt before, during and after that magical lesson. I have watched him over the years and he treats everyone the same way. An intuitiveness that can't be taught. A gentlemen of all gentlemen. You can't help but feel good when you are around him.

There is more ... learning, laughing, enjoying the spirit within the walls of the studio. Getting to know the students, feeling part of a group and losing yourself in the moment. I feel ageless when I dance. And I got to give my mom a small piece of that magic. I just wish that I had given her more ...

Tonight's Gonna Be a Good Night

These are the words that came to mind this morning as I thought about tonight. I hope my mom is feeling the same way. Because tonight? We are going out dancing!

It's my mom's birthday in a few days. She's a hard one to buy for. Often, I just come up with some imaginative idea that costs nothing but time. But after about 20 years or so, my creative juices are running dry. Then it came to me ...

As the date and time of her arrival fluctuated in and around my dance lesson, each time I was told of the change in plans I immediately wondered how I'd work in my dance lesson.

First of all, her bus was going to arrive a half hour after my private lesson ended. I'd just miss the group classes and still attend my half hour class. Plans changed and then she was coming the next day. I thought "I'll get to go to stay for those group classes after all." Lastly (and so far, I haven't heard of any change in plans) ... she was arriving tonight. Hmmm ... my dance lesson. How would I squeeze that in?

My list of things-to-do this past Sunday consisted of: fixing my flat tire; reading a book; making supper for my family and ... wondering what to give Mom for her birthday. As I was sitting at the supper table with My Boys, it came to me!! I could give Mom my dance lesson as her birthday gift.

I am sure that I inherited my love of dancing from my mom. It is well known that she loves to dance. Her whole demeanor changes when she speaks of dancing.

I would have given her dance lessons as a gift, soon after I started dancing if I could have located a dance studio within her driving comfort zone. I investigated the possibilities but crossed the idea off my list since the dance studios were not convenient.

Throughout my years of dancing, I have thought (many, many times) of how much Mom would enjoy this. I find dancing intoxicates me and fills me with a joy like no other. I couldn't help but wish 'this feeling' upon my mom - the person who filled my head with these grand notions about how wonderful it is to dance ...

I called Mom Sunday night to forewarn her of my intentions. The last time we surprised her, her immediate reaction was "Well, I would have worn different shoes if I had known!" ... so I knew enough to give her the opportunity to pack the right shoes.

Her reaction was one of surprise, pleasure, unease and embarrassment as she thought of this reality. The longer she thought, the more uncomfortable the idea became. I tried to 'talk her down' and try to accustom her to the idea of just relaxing with it and having fun. In the end, we compromised. She will dance as long as she is comfortable. If it's ten minutes, it's ten minutes. If it's the entirety of the half hour? Perfect!

This gift is one of great sacrifice to me. I'm giving the most precious half hour of my week to my mom.

And that ... is how I know that it is the best gift that I have to offer. Tonight IS going to be a good night!