The End of an Era

As I went through the paces of readying myself for the day ahead of me this morning, I brought out the diapers that I will need for the day and stopped.

I won't need the rest of these diapers [insert silent yee haw here]! I ceremoniously bagged up the excess diapers and spare clothes that I will no longer need after today is done.

Today is the end of my '4-year-old-and-under-set' at my daycare.

I can fold up and put away the 3 playpens that I have in various rooms in the house. I can pack away the 4 booster seats that I have. I can store the 2 high chairs that I have in the kitchen.

I have 2 spare drawers in the spare bedroom (where I kept spare diapers/clothing for the kids). I can bring out books and puzzles! The living room doesn't have to be dominated in Fisher Price ... and maybe I can wash and store the 'baby toys' once and for all?

Baby locks on the cupboards and safety plugs in the electrical sockets are a way of life for me. In fact, the safety plugs disguise the fact that my electrical sockets don't match my decor. I just may keep those.

I have had a high chair in the kitchen for 11 years. It's a catch-all spot, for the things we bring into or take out of the house. I may not need a high chair, but I definitely need something in its place.

June 11, 1998 was the day I started changing diapers. August 1st, 2009 was the day I stopped. Until grandchildren. Maybe I'll just store some of that 'baby stuff'. It's my hope that my house isn't going to be without babies forever ...

All Over the Map

I can't pin down one thought this morning. If I was to pin it down in a phrase, 'all over the map' would be it ...

I took yesterday off. Off of everything.

I had an enjoyable visit with my mom. It ended with dropping her off at my aunts and I stayed and enjoyed the festivities at their home for a little while. It's nice to feel comfortable stopping and staying a little while.

Kurt and I watched a movie together after I got home. A little ways into the movie, I had this chest crunching feeling. Guilt? Did I say or do something wrong? It was an emotional 'crush'. Something I felt that I had done or didn't do that was making me feel this way. I relaxed when I pinned it down to feeling guilty (I wasn't working on the book keeping that I had promised myself). As the day progressed, I rewound some of my 'words' and I often wonder (and I'm sure that I do) if I talk too much ... say too much. Guilt. That was the emotional 'crush' that I felt.

I had wasted so much of the day, I granted myself the remainder of the day off. To sit back, rest, read, relax and putter to my hearts content. And that's what I did.

You don't wind up the day with a great feeling, when you've spent a day working hard at doing nothing. There was no zest in what I did. No zip. Blah. I went to sleep and woke up feeling much the same.

I love the relaxation that comes after a day well spent. I know that I can ill afford to simply sit back and do nothing right now. I'll open a drawer or cupboard ... or move a piece of furniture and think to myself 'Hmmm ... I wonder if I'll ever have a clean house again??' Why didn't I clean a drawer or vacuum under a bed with my time yesterday? Why was I glued to the couch with a book that I've been reading for (what feels like) forever?

I haven't lived with 'guilt' much lately and as far as I'm concerned, I would like to keep it that way. If I've done or said something wrong, I need to recognize it, address it and rectify it. And carry on. If I'm taking a day for myself, it is completely wasted if I wallow in guilt so much that I don't enjoy it.

If ever there was a day that I wasted, yesterday would be it.

I woke up this morning and through the links of 'blog land', I found the blog of a new widow. She's younger than me; her husband was older than me. She talks of the imperfections of their marriage, but what truly spoke to me is that she loves this man. With all that she has to give. I don't think I've ever loved so much or so freely.

There's a part of me that I don't let go of. The naivety of youth is a wonderful thing. And I suppose first loves are special because you haven't experienced the devastation of the many ways one's heart can break. If that gets chipped away at, slowly and gradually ... you eventually learn to protect your heart.

I feel that life has taught me a lot of lessons that I needed to learn. I have no regrets and my heart is not eternally broken. It has a protective covering ... but it still has the capacity to feel.

The book that I am reading is a story woven around relationships. Relationships where one person loves more than the other person in the relationship. Been there. The shield of steel that encases my heart makes me the one that 'loves less'. Or at least that is how it feels.

In truth, I don't think that I did love any less than the other party. It's just that when I started feeling the hurts that come with that gradual erosion of a positive relationship, I start withdrawing. No words are said ... but it is felt. By both parties. The balance tips. The other party starts 'loving more' because they are grasping to hold onto a piece of me that I am withholding. Then I start feeling smothered. And I retreat. To my safe place.

I have a friend that loves with all of her heart. I read this blog (of this woman whose husband has recently died) this morning and as sad as I am for the heartbreak that she is feeling ... but I love reading about her ability to love, with her whole being.

I don't miss being in a relationship. I do miss being in love. New love. Love where the feelings are equal and mutual.

It is an elusive dream. One that I don't waste much time thinking about. I am surrounded by wonderful people. Strong family ties, good friendships and even the people who are in the sidelines of my life are like butterflies that flit in and out of my vision but leave a bit of their beauty in their wake. There is the odd occasion where this isn't the case - where I know someone doesn't 'get' me or appreciate the person that I am. And I can smile at that too. Because it really doesn't matter. The fact is, that I don't really 'get' them either. Even that is mutual.

Deep thoughts going through my head on this Sunday morning. And thoughts of the week ahead. My new life is dawning. I'm not afraid ... but I do long to get into the swing of my new routines so that I know what to expect. I'm not a big fan of surprises. I love my ruts ... but it takes a while to make new ones when you are travelling down a new path.

I'm a little apprehensive ... I am feeling very reflective ... I'm feeling the guilt of wasting a day ... and I am trying to rev myself up for a more productive day today.

My thoughts are everywhere ... but on the book keeping job that I need to complete. That will add the satisfaction that I need to make the day feel like a good one.

It's time to pin down a 'destination' on that map of life and head towards it. One step at a time.

Time to Pause

I like when life hands me moments where I must stop in my tracks and enjoy the moment ...

My mind has been consumed with many thoughts lately, as I ready myself for the next season of change. As I gear up to go back to school and wind up a few aspects of life at the same time, my mind is busy tying up loose ends so that I can look to the future with a clear slate. Or so has been the intent.

The chaos of my mind hasn't been a restful place to be. I'm getting a lot accomplished because this is just what I do. I do best under pressure. If I have to get "X" amount of things done in "X" amount of time, I do. If the deadline is wishy washy, so is my enthusiasm. So this has been exactly where I need to be right now. It feels good to get things tied up and put behind me.

But this week has had a few opportunities to just sit back and savor the moment.

An impromptu visit with friends, that happened without forethought. I had some things to drop off and I was invited to sit down and stay a while. I did. And it was wonderful. Sitting still and spending time with people that fill your soul is energizing. It was something that I would have thought I didn't have time for. But you always have time for moments like these (or you should). Time to breathe. Some people breathe life into you when you are overwhelmed with the days. And this was such an occasion.

Then, my mom had a one night layover at my house en route to a family wedding and a bit of a holiday for her last night. Once again, this is an evening that I can easily fill with errand running and to-do-list-items. But I was forced to pause and be still. I'm so glad that I was.

'My boys' called or dropped in during the day, checking on 'grandma's' arrival time. They both took time to pause in their own lives to come and spend part of their Friday night hanging out with me and my mom. Unplanned, unexpected and unchoreographed ... it was an evening that was perfectly relaxing. I brought out snacks that I just happened to have around and I didn't waste a moment fretting about food/snacks/drinks or entertaining. I just sat back and enjoyed the ride.

'My boys' arrival and departure times were staggered, so there was a chance for one-on-one visits as well as the family-portion of the evening. The dynamics changed ever so slightly and my mom had a chance to get to know the deeper side of my younger son as his stay lingered on. I sat back and listened and just enjoyed the moments.

Small snippets of time, little pieces of conversations, being still to enjoy the moment are a gift. Especially when you are consumed with the act of living. Taking time to breathe and just enjoy the here and now balances out the busyness of living.

It is time that I wouldn't have purposely carved out, but it is time that I am so glad that I was given.

Moments to pause. Moments to savor ...

Gifts

If ever there was a day that felt like Christmas ... it would be yesterday. I found small 'gifts' at every turn.

I started the day out by somewhat fulfilling a promise that I had made to myself. I finished (as much as I can at this point) something that I started. I did what I set out to do. The project still isn't wrapped up with a bow and sent off on its merry way. But it is so close. So very close. That felt like some kind of wonderful.

That done, I had some spare hours (okay, only one) to whittle away on the overwhelming book keeping project that I have been chipping away at this week. I didn't have time to complete the task, but what I did discover, is that I was well on my way. I tackled this project from another angle and I had the chance to see if it was going to make my job easier. And it will. Hip Hip Hooray!! That makes the next step (finishing the job in its entirety) a whole lot easier. I'm on my way!!

Then ... I had to ask my families to pick up their children early (about 15 minutes in most cases) so that I could run Kurt to our family doctor (he has had a case of hives that has lasted 8 days to this point). So not only did I get off work somewhat early (though I did bring one of my 'daycare kids' along with us to the doctor) ... but we got the green light that there is really nothing to worry about. I wasn't worried before we went to the doctor. But when something lasts this long, it's nice to check in with a professional. One more item checked off of my list-of-things-in-the-back-of-my-head. It's nice to tick off those items and toss them away.

That left the evening. My third night at the dance studio. This time for my private lesson, and a bonus of having it be an hour long (we doubled up because last weeks lesson was cancelled). What an hour. I never laugh so much or as whole heartedly, as I do when I'm at my dance lesson. It is truly a gift to spend time with a person who laughs at life. And that is what my dance instructor does. At least for as long as that half hour or hour lesson lasts. We tackled our new routine and it's more than halfway done (lots of work left to do ... but my feet sort of know where they are going). We ran through our old routine (lots and lots of work left to do there ... my feet, arms and body are quite confused throughout an entire section of this one). We danced, we laughed and the hour flew by. I left the studio thinking 'this is as good as it gets' ...

But it got better. I dropped by at a friend's house on my way home and spent the remainder of the evening wrapped up in the relaxing ambiance of my friend's home. It is a home that says 'family' in every sense of the word. This is a family that opens up its arms and adopts those who come their way. Another friend that I hadn't seen for 'forever' was also there, along with her grandson. Her grandson was off playing with my other friends nephews (whom she had borrowed for the evening so that the kids would have each other to play with). And we all relaxed and simply enjoyed a relaxed evening with friends mixed with family. So many small but precious moments. Many small memories to last long beyond the short visit.

One would think that would be the perfect end to a perfect day. But it wasn't.

The friend that I had just visited forwarded on a comment that her sister had emailed about something that I had written. It takes so few words to make a persons day. And my friend realized what a gift it was to share these words, which ended with best words of praise that I could ever here. Her sister wrote that I was ''as amazing as her sister''. Wow. If ever there were words that could make me feel that I was becoming the person I hoped to be ... those were it.

The day was wrapped up in small gifts. They arrived in every shape and form (I have neglected to mention a few ... but there were more). Even as the day ended, it was wrapped up with a bow and marked as a "Day to Remember".

My Mind at Rest

I have been waking up regularly, with my mind-at-rest busy 'inserting' and editing a document that I've been working on (during my mind-at-work part of the day). As my mind-at-rest sees the little dots that signify a space in the Word program and cycles through the editing process in my sleep, I turn on the TV so that I can overwrite the thoughts in my mind and get back to sleep.

Once resting, my mind gets back in the 'loop' that is my life right now. I'm feeling a tad overwhelmed and I can tell, by the cycles of my sleeping.

Exhausted, I fall asleep as whenever I'm idle. Once I'm in bed for the night, I sleep, edit in my sleep, wake up, turn on the TV, have no memory of the TV going off (I love, love, love the sleep timer on my TV!!!) and the next thing you know, I'm awake again and turning on the TV (to turn off my thoughts). That only happens once or twice through the night.

Then the alarm goes off. I set it a half hour early last week and never changed it back. I know that I can hit 'snooze' 3 times, before I must get up and face the day.

In the middle of one of my sleep/TV/back to sleep cycles, I startled myself awake, heard voices and hit the snooze button. I woke up in a semi catatonic state and realized that it wasn't my alarm. It was the TV. Hooray!! That meant I hadn't hit the '3-snooze-buttons-before-I-had-to-get-up' portion of the night yet.

My mind-at-rest is telling my mind-at-work to finish what I've started!! I would love to lock the outside world out of my day today. I've got work to do.

But that is not my reality. I have a day-with-kids ... followed by another (3rd in a row) evening at the dance studio.

I'm feeling that I'm in a little over my head at the dance studio. We started a group formation routine last night. And there's homework. We have a small section to practise. We are working on a rendition of this (this clip isn't in English ... but neither is the 'language' I'm learning on the dance floor with this one ...):


Last night we worked 9 seconds of this clip (from 2:30 to 2:39 seconds). We've got a long, long way to go in 10 weeks!

One more item to add to the list of things-to-think-about-in-the-middle-of-the-night.

Tonight, I'm off to my private lesson to start working on a fun filled and energetic routine to a fun and peppy song.

This week at the dance studio, I've learned: 'The Hustle' (Tuesday group class); 9 seconds of our formation routine; and tonight I'm off to learn some more.

It's no wonder I can't sleep soundly ...

Living Life in the 'Pluses'

The moment that my back-to-school decision was a reality, I buckled up and prepared for some extreme budgeting.

We had just returned from a holiday where we went and did what we wanted to do, without counting pennies. It was a holiday all 'bought and paid for' from a bonus that I had received from my book keeping job. So I wasn't too worried. But I knew the holiday was over. Time to plan for my new reality.

The thing that concerned me financially, is that I was wracking up a month's worth of debt on my credit card every single month. My rule was, that I had to pay this off debt at the end of each month - with money that I was earning while I was spending it. I was perpetually living one month beyond my means. A rather scary prospect when I thought of my new student-budget.

My extreme-budgeting had me not only pay that debt off before it was due ... but start the month with a credit balance on my credit card. I love using my credit card, because I accumulate 'points'. Points that we use to treat ourselves to spending a night or two at a hotel every year. This is not something that I wanted to give up, so I had to find a way to still 'wrack up points' ... yet not break the bank.

A revelation revealed itself to me as I lived life in the 'plus' side of budgeting. As the month whittled away, I saw my plus balance decreasing, instead of a minus balance increasing. The mentality is completely different when you are dealing with a finite amount of dollars. 'I must make this last' goes through my head, every time I tally up my balance. If I splurge a little here ... I must sacrifice a little there. It's an obvious way to live. But when you live life in the 'minus' side of budgeting, you don't think the same.

When you are in debt, it is all too easy to think 'What's a little more??' You juggle things around ... or else your debt slowly but surely creeps up on you. It is akin to how you feel spending cash verses a 'card'. When you look in your wallet and see that specific dollar amount and know how long it is supposed to last, you think twice before overspending.

In this world gone crazy with personal debt loads out of proportion to what they should be, a person needs to find 'tricks' to make things work in the budget. This is something that works for me.

I can remember when debt and paying bills overruled my life. I'd get a little windfall and wish that I didn't have so many bills, that this windfall was consumed by covering my over spending. Every time it happened, I wished that I didn't chronically live in the world of excess. So that when I did get a small sum of money that I hadn't planned on ... it would truly be mine.

I have arrived! I have very often said that I feel that I am rewarded. Every time I am in a place where I am respectful of the money I am earning and budgeting accordingly, I feel that I get a little bonus. That credit balance on a utility bill ... a little bonus tacked onto a cheque I was expecting ... a cheque that comes out of the blue. It happens all of the time. It amazes me every single time that it does. But what I believe what the reality is, is that I can appreciate a $30 cheque or a $75 credit on a utility bill when I'm living on the 'plus' side of life.

When debt doesn't gobble up all of life's bonuses, you feel very rich. You can appreciate every small gift that life sends your way.

As I am on the cusp of the 'Great Student Budget of 2009', I feel ready. I've got my bases covered, a good idea what the income flow will be, a back up plan and I'm starting out on the 'plus' side.

Life is full of surprises. This is a fact. The most a person can do is be aware of the fact, budget as wisely as you can ... and forge ahead.

The Final Countdown

Yes, it's finally happening. I'm finally starting to count the days.

'5 more days', I uttered to our cat (as I put him downstairs so that he doesn't escape out the door, with all the mornings comings and goings). 5 more babysitting days, where he will be banished downstairs away from the kids. He loves kids, but he 'teaches' them not to bug him by lightly biting them. Not enough to hurt. So the kids keep bugging. It's one small aggravation that I can alleviate, by keeping him downstairs and out of harms way. So I do.

'5 more days', I think to myself ... as the inane banter of my regular summer crowd is embedded into my memory.The tattling, the hair pulling, the endless toys, the running back and forth in the house. 5 more babysitting days to deal with the younger set of personalities. The diapers, the naps and making lunch. I won't have to make lunch on a daily basis! Yay!!

'7 more days' of life as we know it. Later bedtimes (though we are weaning ourselves to go to sleep earlier this week), a relaxed schedule, the ease of no homework or studying. Our go-with-the-flow pace will soon be but a memory, as our school hours must be heeded and deadlines will soon be upon us.

'1 week' to catch up on all that I want to finish before I start my new life where my days and evenings will be dictated by: the amount of hours that I'm required to deal with kids, school, book keeping, dancing, errand running and household chores. Just keeping on top of the day to day running of my new life will require (I think) an empty slate, at the onset.

'4 more days' until the weekend. 4 days of kids, 4 days to catch up on my book keeping, 4 evenings that are committed to things other than kids and book keeping. 4 short days to squeeze in as much as I possibly can (while still adhering to the new 'early to bed' rule), so that we can make the most out of the 'last weekend' of our old life.

'1 more weekend' to savor before my new way of life crashes into our lives. The past few weekends have been consumed with 'catching up'. I've caught up on one project but my book keeping has suffered. So as much as I know that I will have to devote a great deal of the upcoming weekend to that work ... I want to make time for Kurt and I to just hang out.

'10 weeks' until the upcoming dance showcase. 10 weeks of one extra night of dancing and doubling up some of my private dance lessons. 10 weeks to learn and hone 2 new routines that I haven't even started yet and 'perfect' the routine that we have been working on. 10 weeks to figure out the minute details such as costumes and all the 'girl stuff' that goes into preparing for the big day. 10 weeks to squeeze this into my new world that revolves around school and work instead of kids. 10 weeks of that 'one extra pressure' that I don't really need (but I really do want) right now.

I am excited about what is in my horizon. As I count down the days to the end of 'life as I know it', I'm eagerly anticipating what is in store.

New goals, changing responsibilities, different schedules and a revised way of life. I'm counting the days ....