In my day care days, I had one and a half hours that I carved out each babysitting day. Quiet Time. A time when the little ones napped, the older ones sat quietly and watched a movie and I ... had a quiet hour to savor.
The dull roar that was my day back then came to a halt at Quiet Time. I loved it. It was an hour or so that I had to 'regroup' and get through the rest of the day.
As the kids grew up and many went off to preschool, I ended up with some 'Quiet Times' all to myself (as the younger ones napped). Oh, what I could do with that time!
I exercised, I did my book keeping, I puttered with my projects, I read ... I did a wide array of things. It was all squeezed into that hour and a half that we called 'Quiet Time'.
I don't have Quiet Time any more. I don't have windows of time that have a defined beginning and end.
There is a lot of quiet in my life right now, but I don't appreciate it as much as I used to. Because there isn't that contrast, which makes the quiet so much sweeter.
I don't have pockets of time any more. I have long stretches of time. It's harder to dive into work when you know that you have 8 to 10 hours at your disposal. It's some how easier to think of it as "I wonder how much I can accomplish in 90 minutes?"
I am a racer. I try to beat the clock at what ever task I have in front of me. I wonder if I can beat my last 'score' or achievement is the back drop to my thinking. It doesn't seem to matter if it is a long highway drive, a book keeping task, a chapter that I'm working on at school or running errands. I'm 'racing' to see how fast I can do it. It breaks up the mundane, to try and find a way to challenge yourself when doing something you've done a million times before.
I like to speed through the mundane-ness of life so that I can be fully prepared to savor the time after that.
Lately, I've been missing that quality in my life.
I'm puttering through my days and accomplishing very little. I climbed a few small hills this past weekend, but nothing that gave me a great sense of accomplishment. Slowly but surely, I'm sure I will do what has to be done.
I'd rather race through that 90 minutes of time and see what I accomplished at the end of that small period.
I guess I'm going to have to find a way to trick myself into working at things for small segments of time. I think that my neck would appreciate that as well. Sitting at the computer for hours on end isn't healthy in any capacity.
It's time to shift my Quiet Time mentality into my Productive Time. 90 minutes. I wonder what I can accomplish during that time??
Monday, November 30, 2009
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Life's Excess
I am living an 'excessive' life ...
It has happened too often now. I can't find things. I will stand in my spot dumbfounded. Something isn't where it used to be. I have found a new spot for something old. I'm a logical person, so I look in the logical places. One item is still 'lost' in the excess of my life. One item found. Items I didn't know were lost, are found (who knew that I had the foresight to buy Christmas cards when they were on sale after Christmas last year??).
I have gazed at the 'room of plenty'. The spare bedroom that has been the gathering spot for the excesses of daycare living. Toys, movies, educational games ... stuff. I wander downstairs and see more evidence of my 11 years of daycare-life. Outside, the sandbox is full of toys and the play house is full to capacity. There are echoes of the kids I have tended, everywhere I look.
I think of the spare bedroom downstairs that may or may not become 'home' to one of my Older Sons in the near future. The closet is stacked with remnants of my daycare life.
The kitchen wall is lined with boxes of the excessive work that is piling up in my book keeping world. A world that I have little or no control of. The work has been sparse this past month. It's been good for my sanity levels. Not so good for my budget. If the work was all caught up, I could be content with the fact that I had a slow month. The truth is, that there are hours, days and weeks that are yet to be caught up. And I can't do anything about it. I am waiting. I'm ready, willing and able to work. But the work isn't coming.
I have excesses of things-to-do piling up in my brain.
Christmas. I am stuck this year. I have a well stocked supply of Christmas cards (not remembering that I stocked up on cards on sale last year, I replenished my supply by paying full-price this year). And there they sit. Unopened and starting to collect dust along with everything else in this house of excess.
I usually write a 'Christmas poem' to encapsulate our family's news for the year which I send along with my cards. This year? Nothing. I sit down, surrounded by the clutter of my life and the empty page before me is filled with the nonsense that is my state of mind right now.
Every Christmas, I write my way out of this mood. This year ... I am overwhelmed.
This upcoming month, I have to put in full days, every day at school to accumulate the hours that I need in order to take the same holidays as the kids over the Christmas break.
I have a growing list of things I need to buy but I've been waiting for 'December' so that I don't mess up November's budget. But December's budget is more dire than November's was.
I know that I have book keeping work that I will have to do this week. Work that I must do in the evenings because I must put in my days at school. Except on Friday (because the kids have yet another day off of school in December ... as if 16 days of Christmas holidays aren't enough?) ... a day off of school that I can ill afford to take because I need that day to fulfill my school hours requirement for December.
I have a completely empty slate today. I was wide awake at 5:30 this morning and I jumped out of bed, knowing that I could fill every hour that this day holds.
But what have I done? I finished watching a movie. I stared at the excesses that I am surrounded in. Instead of feeling grateful, I feel overwhelmed.
If I have so much 'stuff', that I can't find things when I want them ... I have too much. I need to clean house. Literally.
They say that you can tell a lot about a person's state of mind by opening their closets. When I open my closets (or drawers) these days, I feel like things are spilling out of them. It feels exactly like my brain.
A life full of too much. It's not all it's cracked up to be.
It has happened too often now. I can't find things. I will stand in my spot dumbfounded. Something isn't where it used to be. I have found a new spot for something old. I'm a logical person, so I look in the logical places. One item is still 'lost' in the excess of my life. One item found. Items I didn't know were lost, are found (who knew that I had the foresight to buy Christmas cards when they were on sale after Christmas last year??).
I have gazed at the 'room of plenty'. The spare bedroom that has been the gathering spot for the excesses of daycare living. Toys, movies, educational games ... stuff. I wander downstairs and see more evidence of my 11 years of daycare-life. Outside, the sandbox is full of toys and the play house is full to capacity. There are echoes of the kids I have tended, everywhere I look.
I think of the spare bedroom downstairs that may or may not become 'home' to one of my Older Sons in the near future. The closet is stacked with remnants of my daycare life.
The kitchen wall is lined with boxes of the excessive work that is piling up in my book keeping world. A world that I have little or no control of. The work has been sparse this past month. It's been good for my sanity levels. Not so good for my budget. If the work was all caught up, I could be content with the fact that I had a slow month. The truth is, that there are hours, days and weeks that are yet to be caught up. And I can't do anything about it. I am waiting. I'm ready, willing and able to work. But the work isn't coming.
I have excesses of things-to-do piling up in my brain.
Christmas. I am stuck this year. I have a well stocked supply of Christmas cards (not remembering that I stocked up on cards on sale last year, I replenished my supply by paying full-price this year). And there they sit. Unopened and starting to collect dust along with everything else in this house of excess.
I usually write a 'Christmas poem' to encapsulate our family's news for the year which I send along with my cards. This year? Nothing. I sit down, surrounded by the clutter of my life and the empty page before me is filled with the nonsense that is my state of mind right now.
Every Christmas, I write my way out of this mood. This year ... I am overwhelmed.
This upcoming month, I have to put in full days, every day at school to accumulate the hours that I need in order to take the same holidays as the kids over the Christmas break.
I have a growing list of things I need to buy but I've been waiting for 'December' so that I don't mess up November's budget. But December's budget is more dire than November's was.
I know that I have book keeping work that I will have to do this week. Work that I must do in the evenings because I must put in my days at school. Except on Friday (because the kids have yet another day off of school in December ... as if 16 days of Christmas holidays aren't enough?) ... a day off of school that I can ill afford to take because I need that day to fulfill my school hours requirement for December.
I have a completely empty slate today. I was wide awake at 5:30 this morning and I jumped out of bed, knowing that I could fill every hour that this day holds.
But what have I done? I finished watching a movie. I stared at the excesses that I am surrounded in. Instead of feeling grateful, I feel overwhelmed.
If I have so much 'stuff', that I can't find things when I want them ... I have too much. I need to clean house. Literally.
They say that you can tell a lot about a person's state of mind by opening their closets. When I open my closets (or drawers) these days, I feel like things are spilling out of them. It feels exactly like my brain.
A life full of too much. It's not all it's cracked up to be.
Friday, November 27, 2009
A New Leaf
I feel like I'm starting over this morning.
Meandering thoughts of the past week are taking a back seat. I'm looking forward again. No time to relive conversations past!
My eyes are happy. I got my new 'computer glasses' yesterday and I immediately sat down with the family history that I have been ignoring for the better part of the past six months. Onward!
My neck and shoulder feel oh-so-much better. I'm convinced that there was a nerve that was pinched in my neck that was controlling the creative side of my brain. There is a trickle of activity within my imagination once again. I just have to keep the connection open and I think that I can make something of it.
The indecision factor of this upcoming dance competition is hovering towards a 'yes'. I have come up with a plan that could make a huge difference in finding a way to afford this. I'm wavering on the 'yes' side of this decision anyway. But if the money factor wasn't an issue I think that I could commit myself and be excited about the decision.
The flip side of that choice is the serious tone that my dance lesson took on last night (as it was geared towards preparing me for the possibility of competing at this upcoming event). I'm wondering if I could also find a way to afford extra dance lesson time. Time to play. I'm not sure how I will endure the week ahead without my laugh quota filled for the week. That's a tough one.
Christmas. I walked into the dance studio last night and it was transformed into a tasteful Christmas wonderland. I think that it is time for me to bring out our Christmas lights and start lighting up our house. I love living in a home lit up with 'Christmas'. It's time to think about what I love about this season. It's a time to give of myself. My finances are much tighter this year, so the need for creative ideas is great. Now that I think I've unlocked the creativity within, it's time to sprinkle the magic of the upcoming season into my thoughts and see what transpires.
Christmas lights and cheery Christmas tunes are on the agenda. It's time to sing and dance my way into my Christmas mood.
It's time to turn over a new leaf.
Meandering thoughts of the past week are taking a back seat. I'm looking forward again. No time to relive conversations past!
My eyes are happy. I got my new 'computer glasses' yesterday and I immediately sat down with the family history that I have been ignoring for the better part of the past six months. Onward!
My neck and shoulder feel oh-so-much better. I'm convinced that there was a nerve that was pinched in my neck that was controlling the creative side of my brain. There is a trickle of activity within my imagination once again. I just have to keep the connection open and I think that I can make something of it.
The indecision factor of this upcoming dance competition is hovering towards a 'yes'. I have come up with a plan that could make a huge difference in finding a way to afford this. I'm wavering on the 'yes' side of this decision anyway. But if the money factor wasn't an issue I think that I could commit myself and be excited about the decision.
The flip side of that choice is the serious tone that my dance lesson took on last night (as it was geared towards preparing me for the possibility of competing at this upcoming event). I'm wondering if I could also find a way to afford extra dance lesson time. Time to play. I'm not sure how I will endure the week ahead without my laugh quota filled for the week. That's a tough one.
Christmas. I walked into the dance studio last night and it was transformed into a tasteful Christmas wonderland. I think that it is time for me to bring out our Christmas lights and start lighting up our house. I love living in a home lit up with 'Christmas'. It's time to think about what I love about this season. It's a time to give of myself. My finances are much tighter this year, so the need for creative ideas is great. Now that I think I've unlocked the creativity within, it's time to sprinkle the magic of the upcoming season into my thoughts and see what transpires.
Christmas lights and cheery Christmas tunes are on the agenda. It's time to sing and dance my way into my Christmas mood.
It's time to turn over a new leaf.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
The Answers Within
As I am regaining some flexibility in my neck and shoulder once again, and I am wondering why I let the discomfort get this far before I did anything. The answer was within me all the time. I just put it into action.
Stretching my muscles through some mild yoga exercises has done wonders for me. I think the visual image of stretching my spine has done just as much. Every time I consciously elongate my back bone, I feel better.
I have been thinking that I should do some stretching for a very long time. It takes very little time and not much physical exertion. Why didn't I just do it instead of sitting here just thinking about it??
There are so many answers within this busy head of mine. The projects I want to get started ... the conversations that I want to have ... personal goals. The place that I'm hovering in - that spot of indecision where I'm wavering, yet not making a yes or no choice. It is wasting my energy.
I've had several different conversations, scenarios and to-do items wafting through my brain this week. I'm at the point where I must act.
The answers lie within me. I know what I have to do. I just have to do it.
Stretching my muscles through some mild yoga exercises has done wonders for me. I think the visual image of stretching my spine has done just as much. Every time I consciously elongate my back bone, I feel better.
I have been thinking that I should do some stretching for a very long time. It takes very little time and not much physical exertion. Why didn't I just do it instead of sitting here just thinking about it??
There are so many answers within this busy head of mine. The projects I want to get started ... the conversations that I want to have ... personal goals. The place that I'm hovering in - that spot of indecision where I'm wavering, yet not making a yes or no choice. It is wasting my energy.
I've had several different conversations, scenarios and to-do items wafting through my brain this week. I'm at the point where I must act.
The answers lie within me. I know what I have to do. I just have to do it.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
135 Days Ago
That's how long it has been since I turned on our 'Wii Fit' - 135 days.
My Wii Trainer didn't give me a hard time at all. He told me not too push too hard. He told me to stop for a break after a while. No goading, no guilt, no hassle. He was just willing to work with me when I was finally ready.
It felt so good to stretch those muscles. I was tempted to work harder than I did, but I convinced myself that it is probably best to work out some kinks first (I just worked on yoga).
As good as it felt, I didn't jump right out of bed and get back at it this morning. But as I wrote these words, I'm thinking that I should go back to my forgiving Wii Trainer. I'm glad he is so nonjudgemental.
It's nice to have people in your life like that. Willing to take what you have to offer, when you are in a position to give. I'm very fortunate. My life is full of people just like that ...
My Wii Trainer didn't give me a hard time at all. He told me not too push too hard. He told me to stop for a break after a while. No goading, no guilt, no hassle. He was just willing to work with me when I was finally ready.
It felt so good to stretch those muscles. I was tempted to work harder than I did, but I convinced myself that it is probably best to work out some kinks first (I just worked on yoga).
As good as it felt, I didn't jump right out of bed and get back at it this morning. But as I wrote these words, I'm thinking that I should go back to my forgiving Wii Trainer. I'm glad he is so nonjudgemental.
It's nice to have people in your life like that. Willing to take what you have to offer, when you are in a position to give. I'm very fortunate. My life is full of people just like that ...
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Lightening Up!!
Okay ... within 30 minutes, I've had two people ask me "What's going on?" after reading my last blogs.
Honestly ... I was trying to be deep and introspective. I thought that maybe I could take a real-life-situation that I was living and make it a vague enough tale, that others may be able to insert themselves into a parallel situation and take something away from what they read. Thought provoking was all I was hoping for.
It seems that I've been writing a lot of drivel lately. So I just thought I'd add some reflective thoughts. Now ... here are some happy ones.
I have a dream.
I have been able to tamp out the desire and convince myself that this isn't a financially viable option right now. Whenever I was alone with my thoughts, the dream died. So I went to extinguish the dream all together yesterday. But instead ... it was like blowing on the embers of a fire. The dream is burning brightly right now.
For all practical purposes, this dream is still highly impractical. My desire to pursue it is gaining over powering my logical mind. I kind of like it when that happens.
This has happened to me before:
When I knew that I wanted to move to a new city and province. When I knew that having my third child was going to change my life forever. When I decided to do what ever it took, to stay at home and raise that same child. When I decided to go to school ...
The embers are burning brightly. If my life has taught me one thing, it is that anything is possible. My life is a story book full of chapters where wishes come true.
Maybe this will be the next dream that I live ...
Honestly ... I was trying to be deep and introspective. I thought that maybe I could take a real-life-situation that I was living and make it a vague enough tale, that others may be able to insert themselves into a parallel situation and take something away from what they read. Thought provoking was all I was hoping for.
It seems that I've been writing a lot of drivel lately. So I just thought I'd add some reflective thoughts. Now ... here are some happy ones.
I have a dream.
I have been able to tamp out the desire and convince myself that this isn't a financially viable option right now. Whenever I was alone with my thoughts, the dream died. So I went to extinguish the dream all together yesterday. But instead ... it was like blowing on the embers of a fire. The dream is burning brightly right now.
For all practical purposes, this dream is still highly impractical. My desire to pursue it is gaining over powering my logical mind. I kind of like it when that happens.
This has happened to me before:
When I knew that I wanted to move to a new city and province. When I knew that having my third child was going to change my life forever. When I decided to do what ever it took, to stay at home and raise that same child. When I decided to go to school ...
The embers are burning brightly. If my life has taught me one thing, it is that anything is possible. My life is a story book full of chapters where wishes come true.
Maybe this will be the next dream that I live ...
Reflections
"Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects something you love or hate about yourself. When tempted to criticize others, ask yourself why you feel so strongly." - Rules for Being Human
I have had a few conversations that resonated within me lately. As a rule, I let most things slide off my back. Different people have different perspectives and there is much to be learned from the fact. But when someone says something that I just can't let go of, I start to question why.
One such conversation was simply a phrase that was used. They were words that kept cycling my consciousness days after I heard the words. It was on 'day 3' that I began to question if I had said something to the same effect at one time. It was then, that I remembered of this 'rule for being human'. I started to ask myself why I felt so strongly. What was reflected back to me when I heard these words? I didn't like the way the words sounded when I heard them again. Have I make a similar statement? I believe that I have. The context was different ... but the words. If I could take them back, I would.
Then, I had another conversation that kept rewinding and replaying in my mind. Emotions resurfaced within me. Angst. Guilt? What was being reflected back to me this time?
I took a new approach to coming to terms with this scenario.
Number One - who I was accused of being may have been a part of who I was. I needed to make sure that it is not a part of who I am today. I did some soul searching and tentatively stepped out of my comfort zone and surveyed the situation. I'm content with my answers.
Number Two - the reflection. Am I guilty of holding onto my perceptions of who a person was in the past? Am I also guilty of dredging up the past and scrutinizing it?
Then the big question. Am I guilty of hoping to have someone from my past look at me today and wonder 'what could have been'?
I truly wish that I could look at 'a person from my past' and wistfully wonder ... I feel as though I've changed and grown. It saddens me when others don't take the opportunity to do the same.
I'm happy with the person I've become. I'm a work in progress. I don't appreciate the unspoken accusation that who I was ... is who I am. But on the flip side, I must be prepared to believe the same of others.
I have much to learn about the reflections that I see. When strong emotions resurface, I'll look to find what I need to work on. Within myself.
Therein lies the root of my guilt.
I have had a few conversations that resonated within me lately. As a rule, I let most things slide off my back. Different people have different perspectives and there is much to be learned from the fact. But when someone says something that I just can't let go of, I start to question why.
One such conversation was simply a phrase that was used. They were words that kept cycling my consciousness days after I heard the words. It was on 'day 3' that I began to question if I had said something to the same effect at one time. It was then, that I remembered of this 'rule for being human'. I started to ask myself why I felt so strongly. What was reflected back to me when I heard these words? I didn't like the way the words sounded when I heard them again. Have I make a similar statement? I believe that I have. The context was different ... but the words. If I could take them back, I would.
Then, I had another conversation that kept rewinding and replaying in my mind. Emotions resurfaced within me. Angst. Guilt? What was being reflected back to me this time?
I took a new approach to coming to terms with this scenario.
Number One - who I was accused of being may have been a part of who I was. I needed to make sure that it is not a part of who I am today. I did some soul searching and tentatively stepped out of my comfort zone and surveyed the situation. I'm content with my answers.
Number Two - the reflection. Am I guilty of holding onto my perceptions of who a person was in the past? Am I also guilty of dredging up the past and scrutinizing it?
Then the big question. Am I guilty of hoping to have someone from my past look at me today and wonder 'what could have been'?
I truly wish that I could look at 'a person from my past' and wistfully wonder ... I feel as though I've changed and grown. It saddens me when others don't take the opportunity to do the same.
I'm happy with the person I've become. I'm a work in progress. I don't appreciate the unspoken accusation that who I was ... is who I am. But on the flip side, I must be prepared to believe the same of others.
I have much to learn about the reflections that I see. When strong emotions resurface, I'll look to find what I need to work on. Within myself.
Therein lies the root of my guilt.
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