Could I Be a Farmer?

It's raining this morning. A nice, steady, soaking in kind of rain. We need it.

As I looked out the window and saw this dreary morning, my first thought was "The farmers will be happy."

I could never be a farmer. To have your income dictated by the whims of the weather. Rain - either too much, too little or at the wrong time. Hail, early frost, late springs, grasshoppers ... the list goes on.

Then there is all of the rest. The price that you are paid for your crop ... whether it is a grain crop or livestock. I thought that I learned in my mutual fund course, that diversity is the key to lowering your overall risk. I look at our farmers today and I don't see that.

I couldn't live like that. This is not a new thought for me.

I like stability. I like to know what my pay cheque is going to be and when I am going to get it. I like the perks of a steady income. Paid holidays and sick days. Health benefits and a pension plan. A guaranteed lunch hour and coffee breaks.

I can't believe that almost 12 years ago, I traded that stability for a career in babysitting. A job where nothing is guaranteed. The phone rings and your day &/or budget is changed in that instant.

People called and cancelled &/or needed me at the last moment. Kids might come early; they might stay late; or they might not come at all. Parents got jobs; lost jobs; took time off from jobs with little or no notice.

Health benefits ... what are those? I would have settled for the ability to run to a doctor, dentist, or eye appointment at some time other than evenings, weekends or holidays. Let alone have my company chip in and pay for a portion of the cost.

Pension? RRSP's? Financial security? None.

I may as well have been a farmer!

I couldn't believe that I traded a life of security for a life where ... I was a mom. It was the best decision I made in my life.

I was present in every way. For my baby, who has grown into an almost 12 year old. For my up and coming teen, who is now a full grown adult. And eventually, for my oldest ... who has come 'home' to me after a long, hard road. I am a mom.

The long term benefits to that job title? Long term satisfaction. Retirement goals? To be an active member of my family. Health benefits? In an emergency, I am told "Don't worry about a thing ..." And I don't.

Throughout 11 years of my unpredictable daycare world, I had a back up plan. I kept my foot in the door of the employer who allowed me to continue to work one day a week. I always had the option of applying for a full time position if the need came up.

Six months ago, I walked away from that safety net. I am in school. I am working (very) part time as a bookkeeper. I am working (even more) part time as a before and after school daycare provider. I have jumped back into the 'dance world' with the enthusiasm I had for it a decade ago (spending money that I probably shouldn't be spending). And I'm not scared.

I'm working without a net, but I feel safe.

Maybe I am a farmer's daughter after all.

New Friends

I went out for lunch with a new friend yesterday. It was wonderful.

It is incredible to sit back and listen to the story of someone else's life. As I heard about the roads this friend has travelled throughout her life, I could find parallels and similarities to others that I know. It felt like we had been friends forever ...

This world feels like a very small place when you sit down and get to know the people who pass through your life.

I've always been timid about forging out and making new friends. In the craziness of the busy lives people lead, it seems who has time any more. But ... a person has to eat, don't they? Take time to ask a friend for lunch. You'll never regret it. I sure don't.

And This Too, Shall Pass Away

Within days of thinking that I had stumbled across a miracle cure for my crickety shoulder (which only worked in its entirety, when I gently negotiated it into the place it was comfortable), I developed something new and improved. A sore neck with spasms of pain that stopped me in my tracks. Buckled my knees and brought me to the ground. Pain that I could only close my eyes, breathe through and endure ... until it subsided.

I took two pain killers at the onset of this new symptom. Nothing. I iced my achy neck muscles. Less than nothing. Eventually I discovered that heat resulted in short term relief. Heat was my friend. I stood in the shower and let the warm water pulsate on my aching muscles. The sound of the water, the heat and the massaging action of the water washed my pain away. For the moment.

What did I appreciate about this pain that stopped me in my tracks each time I moved my head too much? It was temporary. Somewhat like labor, because I knew the pain was only temporarily subsiding. But I had pain free breaks in between the spasms that stopped my world.

What if ... that pain was unending? Not only for the day ... but for weeks, months or years? I cannot even fathom it.

My neck spasm saga ended at the end of one day. I'm one of the fortunate ones. I know that and I'm grateful beyond words.

This whole little mini drama in my world reminded me of 'life'. The times in our lives when circumstances stop us in our tracks, brings us to our knees and causes unbearable pain. Emotional pain.

Nothing numbs it. The 'pain killers' of choice don't touch what is real within. There may be temporary relief, but when the numbness wears off, there is reality.

But, like my muscle spasms and eventual (almost) recovery ... the intensity of the pain starts to fade. Real life seeps in to distract you. It isn't the solution, but it helps to divert your attention. Kind of like stubbing your toe diverts your attention from a chronic head ache.

As I write this, I think of the countless lives that are affected by the loss of a child, a spouse, a sibling, a brain injury, a stroke ... and I know that what I have lived and breathed through is nothing compared to this. But the survivors of even these tragedies must find a way to work past the pain.

The intensity of life varies for each of us. If we are fortunate, we know that even when our time of sorrow is rooted very deep and will affect our lives forever ... that this (the intensity of our hurt) too, shall pass away.

When we lose someone we love, there is an emptiness that words can't begin to describe. When your world is turned upside down and you must start from scratch, you can get lost as you mourn 'what used to be'.

Your world may stop and bring you to the ground. There may be nothing that you can do to numb the pain but just close your eyes and breathe through the intensity of it. You must look beyond that moment and know ... that even when life hurts 'this much' ... the pain doesn't remain this intense.

Just as the moments of glory are only fleeting, so are those of great sorrow. There may still be that dull ache that remains ... but the more you allow life to fill you up and propel forward, the intensity subsides.

Stand in a shower ... treat your pain kindly ... find relief ... and let it wash away. And know that it won't always feel this way. Let life's rain upon you, knowing that after the rain often comes a rainbow.

And this too, shall pass away.

On Being Eleven

One of the things about being involved with what is happening with my children ... is feeling a part of the ebbs and flows of their lives. I try not to absorb what is going on with my family, and take their worries as my own. But I can't help wanting to celebrate the good times and to just be there for the less than perfect moments.

That said, my vote goes to being ''11''.

Not that being 11 years old isn't without its pitfalls. Your bedtimes are still governed by your parent. Your days off are dictated by the school system (which believe me, it never gets better than that ... it's just that you don't appreciate that when you are 11). Life is full of rules and restrictions. But compared to what's coming up in life, honestly ... it's not that bad.

Your heart hasn't been broken. You are full of hopes, dreams and aspirations of what your life will be. You have learned what life is all about by being part of your family and taking in the information the TV feeds you. If your pre-teen years have been filled with a strong sense of security and the feeling that you are loved, you believe that is what your future will bring.

Chances are, that you are living within your means. Your spending money is dictated by the amount of your allowance, your ability to earn a little on the side and your masterful ways of convincing a parent to buy something for you. Debt doesn't rule your life. It is a wonderful place to be.

You are dreaming of what you will be when you grow up. You still have many years before you are chasing that dream. You believe anything is possible. You could be a doctor, a movie star, an astronaut or a famous sports figure. Or ... you could just be 'you' and be content that you are making your own way, following your own path and just happy where you are at the moment.

Family is your base, friends are for fun, pets are for everything in between ... and life is in the moment. Even though there are still worries and stresses at the tender age of 11, a lot of your worries will be lessened by a good nights sleep and the dawn of a new day. A new chance.

May you wake up and face this day as an 11 year old.

Life the day in the present. Love like your heart has never been broken. Spend your days and your money wisely. Always have a dream ... when you lose your ability to dream, you lose a part of who you can be.

Anything is possible. Remember your youthful enthusiasm. Embrace it. And chase those dreams.

Best Laid Plans

This past weekend had been mapped out ahead of me. I knew what was going to happen and when. I knew when I had to work in my bookkeeping, my shopping, my preparations for company. It was neatly mapped out in my head.

Then life happened.

Within 15 minutes early Friday morning, the sequence of events was shifted. I was thrilled that my new life afforded me the luxury of changing plans on a moments notice. When all that had been so carefully planned started to fall apart, there wasn't one instant when I didn't believe whole heartedly that it wasn't going to work. I trusted that there was a 'bigger reason' behind the minor upheaval to our plans. And I was right.

I met up with the family of Dad's oldest brother. Our plan was to collect memories, stories and information about their dad to add to the Book of Memories I am compiling for Dad's family. The ultimate purpose of our gathering was to 'Remember George'.

What happened without design or forethought, was the fact that we happened to gather on the anniversary of the day my uncle died. 30 years ago. Four of his children and his first wife sat at a table and remembered their dad and their lives. We paid tribute to their dad on a date that had a history. A memorial to his life. It was beyond special ...

I ended up staying much later than planned. I am not a night traveller, let alone comfortable with the idea of driving on an isolated secondary highway riddled with pot holes and the possibility of deer darting out of the ditches unexpectedly. But knowing that my aunt and uncle would be following that same road home, as well as having a cell phone (and cell phone coverage out in that area) I bravely set out on my journey home.

What I didn't expect was the cloak of protection that I felt all around me as I turned onto that highway. This happened once before ...

I moved my family to a new city shortly after my dad died. Throughout that time, I felt dad's presence around me. But it was on that final leg of the journey ... as I drove my children and my sister's oldest son on that five hour trip to our new home, that it was most prevalent. I nodded off to sleep as I drove. Thankfully, I woke up to find myself between the yellow lines on the highway. It was then ... that I truly felt that Dad was with me. Gently guiding me, keeping me and my family safe, keeping the car on the road and nudging me awake. It was so real.

Friday night, I turned out onto that pitch black highway and I felt enveloped in safety. It was so real that I felt like I could reach out and touch it. I still took every precaution to ensure I made it to my destination safely. But at no point, did I feel uneasy. I felt my dad and my uncle along with me every step of the way. Just like when I was a little girl and I knew that I was safe with them as we travelled that very same road.

It was a day that I'll remember forever. But most of all ... that presence of my dad and my uncle on that trek home was a gift beyond words.

Don't Wait Until Tomorrow ...

If you have something you need to tell someone … tell them. You are guaranteed nothing but the moment you are living.

If you work too much … slow down. You only have one life. Spend that lifetime making memories … not money. Money comes and goes. Memories are your greatest legacy. Make them … and cherish the memories you carry within yourself.

If you have children … count your blessings. And let your children know that they count. There is no greater gift that a child can receive … than the praise and love of their parent. Don’t hold back.

If you have regrets … learn from them, fix what you can, mend fences if possible, say “I’m sorry” … and mean it. Look back only to learn, savor a cherished memory and be grateful. Look ahead with the promise to pay those lessons learned forward.

If you have your health … appreciate it. Take care of what is good, maintain what works and repair what can be fixed. Plan to live a long, healthy life and make every endeavor to make that your reality.

Life as we know it can change in a fraction of a second. We can’t live every moment in fear of that possibility … but we can live a life that we can look back on and feel that it was ‘a life well lived’.

Good Vibrations

I'm feeling full of good vibes today. Let me count the ways!

I woke up and my first conscious thought was that my shoulder pain (which has flared up over the course of the past few months) was substantially less this morning. I have exchanged a full body work out in the mornings, for the onerous task of convincing my shoulder to co-operate with me so that I can hit the snooze button on the alarm clock. It is at that moment (every single morning), that I am aware of the increasing discomfort in that shoulder. So the calisthenics begin ... I hit the snooze button and awaken my stiff shoulder muscles for three to six reps, (depending on the morning).

Yesterday, I went and saw a physical therapist about this persistent condition. Number one, she assured me that it isn't in my head (it is in my shoulder); number two, she gave me some exercises to help with the situation (muscles that are not intended to be used are compensating for a muscle that I may have damaged ... and this affects all other connective muscles in a myriad of ways in which it shouldn't ... blah, blah, blah); number three, she massaged some of the muscles and it felt oh-so-good (in a minor-ly painful way); number four, all of this exertion on my tender shoulder muscles escalated the pain level to a different level so ...; number five, I took two pain killers before I went to my dance lesson last night.

I don't know if it is a combination of all of the above or the simple fact that the pain killers helped to relax my muscles enough for them to recover a bit while I slept. But I woke up feeling like a hundred dollars this morning (not quite a million ... but I'm definitely on the 'plus' side of the dollar equation).

Then ... I sat down and worked with the stats of my present-day-financial-situation. Number one, I am thrilled to say that at this late date in the month it appears that there will be money left at the end of the month! This hasn't happened since The Great Dance Adventure became a part of my reality. This feels awesome!! Number two, I looked at the money that borrowed so that I could afford the above mentioned Adventure ... and these are the stats that I have arrived at: I have repaid one fifth of the total-amount-borrowed (this debt covers not only The Great Dance Adventure's over spending, but a new ball gown, a shortfall that I needed to cover to pay off the last part of my school fees and living expenses after The Adventure gobbled up more of my budget than it should have). Number three, I foresee a few work-related windfalls that may or may not come my way and there is a possibility that I may soon have up to three fifths of that debt repaid. Maybe.

It is a combination of many, many things (most of which I wrote about yesterday), but I can quite easily put a dollar value on the way that I feel about my financial state at the moment. I shall be evasive about that amount ... but suffice to say, I feel like oh ... maybe $400 (less groceries, gas and maybe a four-pack of coolers).

And ... I managed to squeeze in my required 20 hours at school within the first four days of this week (and that is even after I quit early one day for an afternoon dance lesson; went to a physical therapy appointment; took our cat to the vet; and went out for lunch within the hours of 9:00 - 3:00). So today is mine!

Granted, I have approximately 10 (or more) hours of bookkeeping to fit into a six hour time frame. But where there is a will, there is a way (or at least there is a Friday night and a Saturday). I have a bookkeeping mystery to solve as I forge into the beginning stages of trying to figure out how to deal with my Middle Son's new business. I have a family history story book to compile. I have more ways to fill this day, than there are hours in the week (let alone day). But I am motivated and excited to forge on.

Plus ... I have many good things that I am anticipating. A gathering of some cousins here on Sunday. My sister is coming to the city within the next few days and I hope that we have the chance for a visit. I am going out for lunch with a new friend next week. I may go out with a group from the dance studio next weekend. I have calls to make to arrange more visits and touch base with good friends.

I'm just full of good vibrations. Are the vibes making it to my fingertips as I post? I can feel them!! It is a most wonderful sensation. I'm in love with my life!!