Thursday, February 12, 2015

Knowing What You Need

I am craving a quiet, lonely piece of space that feels rather elusive at the moment.

I don't seem to remember much of January. I don't think it was because I was all that terribly busy. I think it was because my head was so full of thoughts, that I thought I was busy. I was consumed.

Then I flipped the calendar page and it was February.

Five days into the month and I was set free of so many of the worries that ate up the month of January.

Suddenly I could make decisions again. Indecisiveness is exhausting. It took its toll on my body, mind and soul.

I felt physically paralyzed when I didn't know which way I was going to need to turn next. I couldn't shake the feeling. I felt like I had lead poured into my soul as every little thing I did felt onerous. And hard. Taking one small step in a forward direction was oh. So. Hard.

I want to say I stopped worrying many years ago. It became crystal clear to me that all the worrying in the world did not change the end result of something that was going to happen anyway. And so very many things that I worried about never ever happened. So why worry?

As we ticked off the days, weeks and (almost) month it took to find out the result of Mom's appointment at the cancer clinic, I tried to convince my mind that 'it' had already happened. The wheels were set in motion by a foreign matter which had taken up residence and was making itself known within Mom's tiny body. We just had to learn more and find out how we were going to navigate the months ahead.

There was not one thing we could do until we had more information. Except for what my sister did for all of us. She simply went out and spent a lot of that waiting time, waiting with Mom.

All I knew how to do was to call and write. And that is what I did. Only that became very hard, the closer we got to 'the date'. My thoughts became words that Mom didn't want to hear. So I tried to write what she needed to read and she could tell I was a fraud. She could tell the difference. My words were not ringing true or honest or real.

The 5th of February finally arrived. And with it, would come Mom's diagnosis and our family would make their next move, according to what we learned that day.

At least half of what we learned as we made our way through January, made 'cancer' seem like a very real and most likely diagnosis. I wavered back and forth between hoping for the best and expecting anything. The closer we got to the actual date of Mom's appointment, the more certain I was that cancer was a reality.

To hear the news that there is a very good chance this 'thing' is not cancer brought a great state of euphoria and relief to all. To everyone except our mom, who had never really jumped on this 'cancer' bandwagon to start with.

"Que sera sera" has been Mom's catch phrase and way of thinking right from the start of all of this. She seems very stoic in her manner and willing to accept whatever fate befalls her. As her family, we simply do not want for her to be in discomfort as her fate unfolds.

She will have surgery and we are quite optimistic that it will relieve more symptoms than Mom expects. Mom? Not so much. She hasn't consulted Dr. Google all along the way to find out what she doesn't know.

Did 'knowledge' help or hinder us along the way?

Mom is going (a lot) by instinct and by how she feels. "Nothing has changed" were her words at the onset of these appointments. Nothing has changed from the days, weeks and months which preceded telling her doctor her symptoms. "Nothing has changed" was her same declaration after the prognosis looks good and the likelihood of cancer seems to be taken off the plate. She still feels the same way she felt before, during and after this time-of-great-worry.

It is my hope that something changes, for the better. Soon. It feels selfish to want to grab my own piece of time and space when I feel like I should be doing something.

I'll just keep taking those small but steady forward steps. And do what feels best-to-do at the time. I suppose one must 'grab that oxygen mask' and take care of that which energizes you.

Perhaps that is why I am craving just a small piece of quiet and solitude. That is where I find my energy and my strength.

I'm just feeling a little bit weak right now. I long to go to the place where my words come from. The place of holding my thoughts quietly to my chest before I spill them onto the page. The place where I wake up with an excess of thoughts and no one to tell them to.

I've been waking up on 'empty' a lot these days. I guess I must need that quiet hour in the morning more than I need sleep. That is where my energy comes from.

I am so very grateful I know what fuels me. I know where to go when my coping skills and energy levels run low. I know how to recharge my batteries and fill up the space which is empty. I am sometimes at a loss where to find it but I know I need joy and laughter within my days.

I know what I need. I just have to go find it.

What do you need to lighten your load today? Do you know where to find it? May you find your own personal source of energy and utilize it to push you through the moment.

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