Friday, November 6, 2015

Living in a Superficial World

I finally realized what has been lacking in my life. Depth.

My day is filled with the comings and goings of my daycare parents and we have light and easy chats at drop off and pick up times. I coffee with friends but never really scratch the surface. Mom and I talk on a regular basis but again, those conversations are light and easy.

Then it happened. One deep and meaningful conversation on the weekend. Another deep email exchange of confidences only a few days later. Both of these conversations had a parallel theme. It was of a "I'll tell you my story, if you don't try to make me feel better and fix where I am at" variety. Sometimes Usually, a person really has to find their own way through the mire. I am like that too. The bigger the problem, the quieter I get. I understand.

I just so happened to owe one of those people a birthday card/letter, so yesterday morning I sat down with a pen and paper and just wrote. I was very conscious of not trying to console, advise, offer quotes and/or words of wisdom. I just told my story and how I was feeling about where I was at in this life of mine and the words just fell out of my pen and onto the page.

As I was writing, I kind of knew my stories were one of an "insert yourself here" kind and I was pretty sure if my friend  had the energy (and time) to read my little saga, she may find some relate-able tales. I opened myself up onto the page and it felt good. It felt really good.

I didn't have any crisis's to confess. I simply wrote of that tiny, whiny little voice inside of my head which always lets me know it's time to look up, focus on my life and my world, shake it up a bit and try to shift gears and focus on a new light to follow. I wrote of my fears, my quiet and silly thoughts I keep inside my head and simply opened myself up more than I have in a little while.

 I didn't even write anything I haven't already said aloud. I just put those sentences, thoughts, fears and anxious little thoughts together in a paragraph, which ended up being a page and it made so much more sense to me when I put it all together like a math equation which is in search of a solution.

No, there is not a thing wrong within my world. I just need to add a layer of depth to the superficial conversations and relationships which make up my days. I believe that is why I was so grateful to have an excuse to have a conversation with my daycare parents this past week, as I considered the possibility of adding "one more" to our daycare family. We don't talk beyond the day and I really thrive on knowing we have a solid foundation and a future. These are words which build me up and keep me strong.

I find this superficiality exhausting. I walk away from conversations tired from trying so hard. It is so much easier when we drop our pretenses and just be who we are with each other. I walk away from those encounters energized, inspired and ready to take on the world.

I "write out loud" far too much. I need to purge the annoying little thoughts that get stuck in a loop in my mind. I try to be careful what I put out into the blogosphere because I know too many people who read what I write. I write a weekly letter to my mom and if she doesn't approve of my thoughts-of-the-day (or week), I hear about it. So I write carefully there too (and apparently, I should be more careful there too). Add censoring my writing to censoring my words when in the midst of a "let's talk about the weather" kind of conversation and I feel like a superficial person in a superficial world.

I feel like I am tiptoeing through my days. And I am tired. So very, very tired. I need to dig beneath the surface to find what I am after, Now that I am aware of this, it is up to me to persue it.

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