Morning Reflections

I'm sitting here in the dark, with only my Christmas lights on. I woke up early this morning and convinced myself to climb out of bed and take advantage of that extra half hour to do something for myself. And here I am.

It's funny how often that outside forces speak to you. Things completely out of your control ... a certain phrase, a TV show, an email, something you read or hear ... something that speaks directly to your life at that very moment.

I've been chastising myself a bit this week as I shake my head and wonder what I've done. I've placed too many expectations on myself. I've done it. It's all optional. And I continue to wade through the many projects and expectations that I have placed on my own shoulders. I refuse to let myself feel overwhelmed because I know that 90% of what I have going on in my mental to-do list is optional. But it's starting to get to me. Just a little bit.

This morning, I watched an episode of 'The Gilmore Girls' (the DVD set that I'm presently addicted to). In it, both of the 'Gilmore Girls' were overwhelmed. They were living their dreams, pursuing their goals with every bit of themselves that they had. And they were overloaded. It touched an emotion in me because I'm on the edge of that same scenario. The edge.

There is not one thing on my list of things I'm working on, that I am not doing for the pure joy of it. The projects that I am working on are probably bringing me more joy as I work on them, than the people that I hope to give them to. This is the truest gift of giving. I am intoxicated by it.

That is probably the reason I am sitting on the edge of feeling overwhelmed. It is my choice. My heart and soul are in most everything that I'm doing. The bookwork that I've been doing, has stolen precious hours from me. But the challenge to my brain, the feeling of accomplishment, the desire to add more of this type of work to my days and the pay cheque at the end make it all worth while. Even the work part of the overwhelmed equation is optional. All I would have to do is admit that I can't put in these hours right now. But I choose not to.

It is all about feeling in control. When too many things start spinning out of control, when the balance and harmony of your life are out of whack ... that is when the warning bells start to ring.

In the 'Gilmore Girls' episode I watched, each of the girls had a safe set of arms to run to, as they had their little melt down. They had a safety net. As with the Disney story endings, I wished for a little bit of that in my life. But in the interim, I know that I have a strong support system in my life and that I'm not alone. And that makes everything a lot easier to bear.