Mother's Day Isn't the Same Without You

It has been a very long time since I sat down and had a letter within me. I couldn't help but think of Mom this morning, on "her day". I thought I'd sit and write my thoughts out loud.

I let my thoughts wander and eventually they settled on "Mother's Day, 2017".

I think we suspected it would be our last Mother's Day together. It all started with this text message Mom asked me to send to my siblings:

Let me backtrack a little further. Mom's health had changed and it had been a worrisome winter. It spilled into spring. I went to Mom's often to quiet my inner angst. I needed to see her, spend time with her and I found it so hard to go home after my visits.

One time, before I left for Mom's, I knew I wanted to give her something tangible. Something to have and to hold when I wasn't there. Something to signify I was "with her" in thought and spirit, even when I wasn't physically there.

I had two angel pins. One had a little "diamond" chip on it; the other wasn't quite as delicate looking but it had a topaz stone in it. When I grabbed those angels as I ran out the door as I was headed out to Mom's, I didn't have an agenda. I didn't know what words would come. I just knew they would.

My intention was to write a note and leave the gift behind for her to discover after I left. That didn't happen. I was leaving Mom's and as always, she escorted me to my car and we said our good byes in her driveway. I had my angels in hand and still didn't know what words were going to go with them but I was right. The words came:

"Here is a little angel to wear on your shoulder, to symbolize my presence when I am not here. You are in my thoughts and this is for you to have, to remind you that you are not alone ..."

I had the two angels in my hand and asked her to choose one. The choice was obvious. Her birthday is in April (diamond birthstone), mine is in November (topaz birthstone). Besides, the angel with the "diamond" chip was much more delicate and was the one I would have chosen to give her.

Fast forward to our Mother's Day lunch some weeks later. When we saw each other, she leaned in close to me and pointed to the small angel on her shoulder. "I thought you would be wearing yours," she said quietly. "I did! I did! It's on my coat in the back seat of the car. I wanted to put it on something I wear every day..."

As we suspected, that was our last Mother's Day with Mom. She died September 6th, less than four months later.

Death is so final. You feel it so acutely for such a long time. We knew Mom was sick. We felt the end coming. We knew "lingering" would never have been her choice. Our heads knew it all. We had time to do and say and be who we most needed to be during those months. Yet when she stopped breathing, it felt like a sucker punch to the heart. It hurt.

There are so many details to tend to after losing a loved one. So many. In one of those many moments of planning, I had a moment of clarity. Mom's angel pin. It must be with her in the end. She was still in my thoughts. The significance of the "angel on her shoulder" was even keener than in the beginning. She was buried with her angel pin.

I wore my angel on my shoulder for a very long time afterwards. I would rub it like a worry stone when my heart hurt and it would ease the ache.

Mom once said that having so much to do in the aftermath of a death can be a blessing in disguise. Keeping busy is not a bad thing when one is dealing with the trauma of loss. She was right.

Tending to her house, her estate and all the loose ends one must do gave me an excuse to go out to Mom's with and without my sisters in the weeks and months to come. I never did start missing going to Mom's because I got to continue to go and stay "with her" in her home until it sold.

The house she was so adamant in staying in, was such a gift to us after losing Mom. I returned time and time again, wandered through the rooms and just breathed in her presence, felt all the feelings being in her home allowed me to feel and just remembered.

One of Mom's neighborhood rabbits. I snapped this picture September 24th and sent it to my siblings, with the caption:
"Feeling serene and enjoying the morning. Just thought I'd share the joy."

I loved watching the rabbits at Mom's, which explains my obsession with the rabbits that have moved into our neighborhood.

I haven't seen a rabbit for well over a week now. I keep looking for them but without the allure of rabbit treats under our fir tree, the rare times I spot them they are hopping through and don't linger. They've moved onto greener pastures.

I had a strong hunch if I settled in this morning, I would be pleasantly surprised with a visitation from one of our rabbits. I was right:

Coffee in hand, rabbit in our front yard, thoughts of Mom in my head ... I pinned my angel onto my shoulder. I think if Mom had any choice in the matter, she would be saying, "Here is a little angel to wear on your shoulder, to symbolize my presence when I am not here. You are in my thoughts and this is for you to have, to remind you that you are not alone ..."