We Are Family

2008 has felt like 'The Year of Family' in my world ...

Writing about Mom's family over the course of last winter certainly piqued my interest in family and the connection we share. Being a part of organizing Mom's birthday gathering was yet another time that felt so incredible to be enveloped in family. There has also been a graduation, a wedding, a funeral and an anniversary celebration to bring family together this summer.

It is such a blessing when we can gather together when the occasion is one of light heartedness and celebration.  The pain of losing someone is eased, when it is enveloped in between other family gatherings and a chance to be surrounded in the kinship of family.

I don't know if it my age or just my perspective on things, as we all gain a few more years. But to me, every time that we can get together, get reacquainted (or acquainted for a first time) and feel that familiarity that comes from the 'family connection' it is a most precious gift.

Looking back in time and putting together Mom's family's story started the process which has me longing to know my family and find my 'roots'. The desire to look into doing the same thing with Dad's family is grounding me some more...

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to take a walk down memory lane (literally). I have had such a strong urge to go back to our farm yard and see what I remember and what resurfaces as I look at the familiar lay of the land. My Sister and Mom were kind enough to join me in my little adventure. It was exactly what I had hoped for. At a glance, little looks the same. The house is gone, some buildings are missing, trails are grown in and miscellaneous machinery and buildings are around the yard. But the landscape is the same and we are pretty sure we found the old shortcut to the school across the field.

My strongest memory of growing up is the smell of lilacs in the back yard. I was so happy to find the lilacs that are the hold that I have to my childhood. I feel like I have found my roots.

As I search for ways to reconnect with my family, capture old memories and make new ones I am realizing just how important it is to me to feel 'grounded'. I have secluded myself most of my life. As a quiet child, I placed a distance between myself and most of the people around me. As an adult, I made some detours in life and I had to pick up the pieces of my life and carry on a few too many times. I was very self conscious of the person I had become and the decisions that I had made that defined me. I continued to keep my distance. But the path that I have been following this year seems to feel like I am coming home ... at last. Closing the distance between myself, family and friends has charted the road that I have been following. Going 'home' to our farm was another small piece of the puzzle that I've been putting together.

Feeling grounded. Feeling secure in the world among family and friends. Cherishing what you have. Following a new, uncharted path that is leading to a place that feels warm and joyous.

I've found a promising new road. And I plan to follow where ever it may lead.

Life ... The Sequel

By this time, last year I had casually scribbled down a list of goals as I journaled my thoughts. As I wrote them, I was feeling so low that my ultimate goal was to do one of the 'impossible things' on my list, to get me out of a bad slump. When I reread that list almost a year later, I discovered that I had unconsciously done every single thing I had challenged myself to do that day.

As I've struggled to pull myself out of the lethargic post-holiday mode, I knew it was time to draw up a new list. I never did actually put pen to paper, but I had some ideas on a back burner and I thought, "Now is the time".

I am so pleased to say that as of today, I have plans in place that mirror what was going on in my life a year ago ...

I am pretty sure that my whole family (sisters, brother and mom) will be together this upcoming weekend for an anniversary gathering of my aunt and uncles. A year ago, my sisters, brother and I were planning a secret sibling sleepover to start planning Mom's birthday gathering.

Then this afternoon, we planned a 'Spa Night' with the girls for next month. A girls night out, only 'in' (at my place). I can already picture us in our facial masks, the laughter and the ease of enjoying each others company. I can feel it as though it is happening right now. A year ago, this same group was meeting in Moose Jaw at the Mineral Spa there. We met at the spa, soaked in the mineral waters there ... but we didn't do the 'spa treatment' thing. This year we shall!

And today, the wheels have been set in motion to start collecting stories for another family's history. That didn't happen in my own world until January of this year, so I'm a little ahead of schedule on that one. But it feels so good to take a step in a forward direction. The first step is always the hardest ...

The thing that pleases me immensely is that a few of the challenges that I faced just over a year ago aren't a challenge any more.

I can pick up the phone, dial it and talk to someone without breaking into a cold sweat. Dialing the phone and initiating a phone call was an 'impossible thing' not that long ago for me.

The other thing that has become very comfortable, is initiating a get together. I may have had ideas before, but I rarely acted on them. Now ... if I have an idea, I voice it. I have had several ideas that haven't been responded to ... and that's okay. I've gained the confidence to speak and say "What do you think about this?" and I'm okay with any response I get. Good, bad or indifferent.

It is wonderful to be excited about life. I wonder what I'll be sitting and reflecting about this time next year??

A Year Ago Today

I love being able to look back at my life and reflect at what was going on at the same time a year ago. It is sometimes a deep, provocative thought. It is sometimes dark and full of pain. Other times it is elation over some hurdle I had overcome. Then again, there are other days that are much like this:

Monday, Aug 20/07 9:24 pm

Tonight the remote control on the downstairs TV quit. Another minor irritation that will send me on a mission to fix! What a crazy world we live in ... My Youngest came upstairs and plunked himself on the couch. He said, "Well, there's no use in me watching TV, because I have to get up and change the channels on the TV now that the remote doesn't work!". Imagine that. Having to physically go up to the TV to change a channel. Amazing that we used to do that without a thought .... back in the old days ...

Hooked on DVD's

Watching Oprah piques my curiosity in many ways. Sometimes her shows are very thought provoking and life changing. Sometimes there is one sentence in her show that stays with me long after I turn off the TV. Sometimes her shows provide an emotional outlet for me - whether it is to shed a tear or laugh out loud. But one of her shows has piqued my curiosity and taken over a good part of my free time this summer ...

Oprah interviewed the cast of 'Sex in the City' just before their movie debuted. I had never watched an episode of the show but I was intrigued by the interview. So ... I splurged and bought the first few seasons on DVD.

I must admit that I was embarrassed to say that I was watching this series. The language is language I don't even think, let alone speak. Some scenes made me want to cover my own eyes. I turned off the TV every time I heard My Youngest upstairs so he wouldn't overhear what I was watching. I had several moments of thinking "I sure didn't know that!!" Basically, watching these first few seasons was my little secret.

Then my sister let me in on her little secret ... that she would like to see the movie ... because she enjoyed the series. So, I thought there must be more to it than meets the eye. And I bought seasons 3 through 6.

They were definitely interesting and I found myself wanting to continue on to the next episode to see where the story line went. And I was starting to enjoy and anticipate the message that each episode portrayed.

By Season 4, I was officially hooked. I started laughing out loud and enjoying the reality of the lives and relationships of these 4 New York friends. It was less and less about the 'sex' and more and more about the friendships that withstand the many life changes, evolving relationships and differences that we all have with our friends.

The strength of our friendships is a powerful thing. The honesty, the laughter, the acceptance and the ability to adapt to the life changes of your friends is so real to me.

I have so many different personalities of friends. It seems the one thing that I share with all of my friends, is the ability to open up and be honest with myself and with them. We can look at ourselves and laugh among the pain. We can cry among the joy. There is an understanding that goes beyond the surface. We have known each other 'forever' and grown together.

Maybe I don't have the luxury of getting together with my friends as regularly as they do on this fictional TV series ... but I have friends that I can count on.

Letting Go

"The seasons come and go. Each with their own challenges and blessings. If there is one thing that we can count on, it is that spring will follow winter. New hope is always on the horizon."

That is a paragraph that winds up the chapter "The Seasons" in The Book (Mom's family history and memories). And those are the words resonating within me this morning.

I have had many good summers. Magical times. Times that simply don't go on forever. There is always the memory ... but fall arrives ... real life slips back into place and you get caught up in the mundaneness of everyday life.

As this summer is winding down, I'm a little melancholy. The season ahead is faced with the unknown and new challenges. I haven't done enough 'impossible things' this summer to make me feel invincible.

I am planning and setting the scene for the seasons ahead.

There is so much change in the stages and phases of the kids in my care. Fall always magnifies this, with new ones headed off to preschool and kindergarten; the older ones headed off to a new grade. And my little ones continue to grow up. Families change and evolve - people's jobs, new babies on the horizon. Nothing ever stays the same.

This is a time when I like to make a new plan for myself. A new, unexplored path. I have a few ideas in mind and I've started the wheels turning on one of them. New paths are scary. But necessary to explore.

Then there is the unknown that I face this fall with this minor surgery facing me. The financial aspect of not being able to work and the recovery period. In my mind, I have a plan as to how I can best utilize the down-time as my body mends. If my body is out of commission, I need to keep my mind busy. This is another new road for me.

I can't let go of the feeling that I truly didn't make the most of this past summer. Kurt is getting a little older and the little things that we used to do together, are now more fun if he can bring a friend along. He is the oldest child here, as I babysit all week. So he has created his own world in the TV room downstairs. I miss him.

Last September, the 2 of us escaped for a weekend getaway. With only each other for company, it was a most incredible time. Money wasn't a huge concern, so I spent it rather frivolously ... a step away from the normal for us.

I'd love to do something to recapture that feeling again. Money is definitely an issue this year, but sometimes all that does is force a person to come up with new ideas. It isn't the money spent that really matters ... it is the time.

As Kurt is growing up on me, he will soon want to venture out on his own and away from what is comfortable. He keeps reminding me that he is growing up. Thank goodness it doesn't happen over night. But I do think we should make the most out of the time we have that is 'the present'.

The summer isn't over yet. It is never too late to make the most of a moment. It is the special moments interspersed with the mundane ones that keep life interesting. I just need to season my life with those precious moments. They happen when you least expect them.

The Best Diet I've Ever Been On ...

It's called "A Budget"!!

I'll have to keep track of the results. If the tight budgeting lasts as long as I think is necessary, I could lose a few pounds.

No chips. Sigh ..... (the lack of salt in my diet is working for me though).

There is a silver lining to most everything. You just have to look a little.

Impossible Things

As much as I don't enjoy the hurdles, obstacles and challenges that keep popping up in life ... I need them.

I have slipped into a post-holiday lethargy. I have conquered most of the things on my to-do list. There are no future commitments that spur on a wave of ambition. Money is tight so I can't 'invest' in anything to keep me busy. I feel like a squirrel hoarding his nuts for winter. Only I don't feel like I have as much control over 'my nuts' as the squirrel does.

This laid back life is relaxing and somewhat enjoyable. But it doesn't push me out of my comfort zone. If life is too easy, it loses its zest.

I love the feeling of accomplishing something that I didn't know I could do. There is an air of invincibility after you do 'impossible things'.

So I really must be grateful to my friend who asked for help with her wedding invitations. She had complete and utter faith and trust in me. I thought if it was something simple, I could easily pull this off. But it wasn't as simple as I (hoped for??) anticipated. I had to dust off all of my unused brain cells to make this work. Thank goodness for my success with The Book. It has taught me that I can figure things out. Even if I don't take the quickest, most efficient steps to get there, I can usually finish the task set out before me.

And that was the case yesterday. To anyone who is familiar with Microsoft Word, I'm sure what I accomplished would have been simple. How I accomplished it, resulted in the same finished product. But I'm quite sure that I took 10 extra steps to achieve that goal.

But ... I did it! I had no doubt in my mind that I had to live up to my friend's belief in me. So I did it. And because it was no easy task to do so, I received the unexpected reward of 'accomplishing an impossible thing'. This is an ingredient that I have found that I need as much as air to breathe, to feel excited and passionate about life.

I am blessed to be surrounded by people who believe in me. I believe that they are somewhat deluded in their thoughts - that I am in no way all that they think that I am. But because they believe that I am better than I really am, I strive to meet their expectations.

Accomplishing impossible things is a great way to build your confidence. Being surrounded by people who believe that you can do these impossible things is a gift.