What's Eating at Me?

I have been consciously aware of my eating lately. I am starting to feel that the more I think about what I'm eating or not eating ... the more I crave everything.

I started out by writing down the emotion that I was feeling when I reached for food when hunger was not the motivating factor.

I have my breakfast smoothie and as a rule, I don't even think about food until lunch. Except ... when I do think about food in the morning, I tend to think about food all day.

I have had 2 days (out of the past 4 days) where I grazed for the entirety of the day. I nibbled, I ate, I drank (coffee or tea) and I nibbled some more. Both of these were days when I started eating between breakfast and lunch.

And what was the emotion that I felt as I grabbed my next snack? I felt empty inside.

One of these days was on a Sunday when I had the world at my fingertips and I was not bound by any responsibilities. I was invited out for supper and the more I thought of this invitation, the more I ate. That doesn't even make sense.

The other day was yesterday. I was bound to my house and the limitations that I had placed upon me because of the 'kid load' I had that day. Even what I could do within the house was restricted because of the ages, stages and schedules of the kids I had here. I felt so restricted by kids, that I was restless.

Thankfully, I had sunflower seeds on hand which took care of the hand-to-mouth habit which I tend to fall into on days like this (and days not like this). I was endlessly craving ... something.

The cravings that I have, have little to do with food. It is an emotion, an emptiness and a longing inside of me that I am filling with food. My life is not fully in balance when food plays such a big part of the day.

Today is a new day. I'm not feeling empty inside and I'm eating when I'm hungry. I eat a much healthier and a more balanced meal when I am feeding hunger verses feeding an emotion.

I have to find better ways to feed the emotional voids in my days. There are ups and downs in life no matter how content you are. I think feeding those voids with contact with people would be much healthier than feeding myself with food. The question is: Do I know enough people to feed that emptiness??

Levelling Off Days

Yesterday, I woke up with such energy. I was full of words, ideas and a real zest for life. I spent the morning writing, moving, thinking and talking. It was wonderful. Then I woke up this morning.

I pried myself out of bed reminding myself that this extra 30 minutes is a gift to myself. The gift of time ... or the gift of sleep ... that was the question.

The gift of time won out, in the inner battle of my mind. I've spent that 'gift' on writing. Updating our daycare blog which I simply couldn't bring myself to do for almost a week. Things in the kid-world have been going downhill and I didn't want to put it in words. Not then.

The kids have been draining my energy lately. This is typical after an endless winter. I always feel this way. The need to park myself in a sunbeam is strong this time of year. And that time is coming. Time to let the kids go out and spend their energy outside. Time to breathe some fresh air, feel the sunshine and work in the yard.

After feeling so energized yesterday, this levelling out day feels worse than it should. It all balances out in the end. All I really need is a good dose of sunshine and the energy and excitement for life will return.

Priorities

I once had a friend who's exuberance for life amazed me. She told me that she woke up in the morning, excited about the day ahead. She had more ideas and plans for that day than there were hours to fulfill her desires. I looked at her in awe, thinking that she had stumbled upon something wonderful.

That was possibly 15 years ago. It was a moment in our friendship that stays with me. I remember it a lot these days because I am close to that same spot in my life. And it is pretty great. The feeling that there are not enough hours in the day to pursue all of your hopes, dreams and goals is a very good way to greet the day.

Unfortunately, it is a little overwhelming as well. In among pursuing those goals, one still has to tend to the responsibilities of day-to-day-life. How can I do it all?

I'm starting to realize that I can't do it all. I have to put some things to the side to maintain an equilibrium that keeps my life in balance. It's not that I am giving up 'the dream' or the goals. I am delaying them a bit. But I'm not giving up.

I've gone through an exhaustive phase this past winter. A tiredness that felt physical, but that I now believe was more psychological. There has been an underlying sadness that bordered on a depressed state of mind. But I never felt powerless. I took charge by resting when I was overwhelmed, stopping some projects in midstream when I just didn't have the gumption to move forward and I pampered myself in small ways. The balance in my life teetered a bit, but I didn't fall.

As the smoke has cleared from the months gone by, I can see the necessity for some of the breaks that I took (and continue to take). There are only so many hours in a day and I have to choose what takes priority.

Yesterday, my mom asked me why I felt so tired and my immediate answer was that I have added 1 - 2 hours of exercise into my daily routine; I have an extra book keeping job that can take up to 4 hours out of my day (on the busy days) and I have doubled up my time at the dance studio. I haven't relinquished any of my previous commitments ... so I sleep less. I am tired.

This past weekend, I gave myself another break. I took care of many must-do items on the never ending to-do list and I exercised. But I also took out time for myself. I finished reading a book, I watched some shows that I had taped, I did crosswords, I had coffee with a friend, supper with family and watched a movie with Kurt 2 nights in a row. I took a breath.

As I went to bed last night, I made a promise to myself to get up one half hour earlier. That half hour is a gift to myself. No exercise, no chores, no running around. Time for me. Maybe if I take that time at the beginning of each day, I won't be so exhausted by the weekend.

I am not giving up on my dreams and my goals. I need the fire within, that pursuing a passion can bring. It may take a while ... but I'll still get there.

In the mean time, I have to take each day as it comes and prioritize life. Time for work, time for play, time for rest and time to reach for those impossible dreams.

Anticipation

I am loving this phase of being a parent to my adult children. My worries are few, the joys are simple and I feel so proud and happy over the men that my boys have become.

As each of my man-children are forging their way in the world, it is the simplest of things that makes me happy.

Although it is a wonderful thing to see your child grow financially independent of you (and it is even better when you see the decisions they make in regards to their career provide them a comfortable style of living), that is not what gives me the greatest source of happiness.

What pleases me the most, is watching each of them form new relationships which could ultimately lead to their own family one day.

They could have just as easily looked at my failed relationships and decided that was not the way they were going to live their life. I have made some choices which impacted their view on life and relationships.

Each of them are in a long term relationship. I see 'future' written in one of these relationships ... I see 'commitment' and a bit of the unknown in the other. Different ages, different stages. But it is in the stability that they have both chosen, that I see 'hope'.

I loved being part of a couple when I was in a relationship. I loved the feeling of looking towards the future and seeing that person in it. I loved the sharing and caring that comes from being with someone who knows you well ... and still loves you.

It is my hope that my children will find what I am still looking for. I hope that when they find it, they are an equal partner. I hope that they have learned to trust and be trusted. To care and feel cared for. Loving is risky business. But it's worth it.

Most of all, I hope that my children one day feel the joy that I do right now. Being a small part of their own children's adult lives and feeling such a great source of happiness from one of life's best gifts.

I sit here today, feeling full of gratitude for where life's path has taken my family. And full of anticipation of where that may lead ...

How Could I Be So Foolish?

Google is a wonderful thing. I will type in a question and be delighted at the information that I can find.

This morning I googled "Why am I gaining so much weight?" and I was directed to numerous sites.

The site that grabbed my interest had a suggestion that spinning around in circles like a child can normalize hormone levels and make you lose weight quickly. It said: "Stop reading right now and do this simple test - make sure there is ample room around you, hold out your arms at shoulder level (like a plane) and spin in place - 12 times."

What was I thinking?? I can get nauseous watching someone spin in a circle 12 times. But it was early. Maybe I could lose massive amounts of weight by doing this one simple thing. So I tried it.

After the world stopped spinning, I sat down and read the result. It said that if you were very dizzy and nauseous, something is seriously wrong and preventing you from losing weight. I thought 'hooray' ... there is a reason for this weight gain.

As the nausea really settled in, I thought to myself that I've been like this my whole life. Nothing has changed. I've always had a low tolerance for spinning in any capacity. So why am I gaining weight now?

Lesson learned: If you spin in circles 12 times ... you will feel nauseous. If you feel nauseated, you won't eat. If you keep doing this, you will stop eating altogether. If you stop eating, you will lose weight.

The way I still feel after 15 minutes since my spinning session? I'd rather gain weight.

A Good Day to Put Behind Me

The incessant chatter in my brain is enough to drive me crazy some days. When you add the background noise of a very, very loud daycare-day on top of that ... the day feels endless. Today was a day like that.

I had a full agenda today - book keeping work to do; a full kid-load; plans this evening; the desire to work exercise and a shower into my day; and ripe bananas on the kitchen counter (just begging to be made into banana muffins).

I should have known it was going to be a day like this, when the 10 minute job of making muffins took 45 minutes. Today's entry in my daycare blog is "Why I Don't Make Muffins" and I itemized every interruption that took place while I accomplished this very small task.

I didn't know when I would work exercise into my day, so I worked at my book keeping job frantically all morning and an hour after lunch. And I accomplished my goal of finishing it up before nap time so that I could use those 2 hours to exercise and shower.

Playing in the background of my busy day, was the chatter of children. Loud chatter. Demanding voices (see the Silence is Golden entry in my"Infants to Independents" blog). The needs, wants and desires of the kids I had here today peaked just after lunch ... and again, just before they started trickling home. The noise levels drove me batty and my patience was nil. I did my happy dance (inside my head) every time one of them left.

The day has wound down and the rituals of cleaning up the house, my mind and closing my doors for the evening has brought me to a very peaceful place.

I have a clear agenda for my after-work hours ... and before my plans for the evening. All I can think of, is how great it would be to turn off the world and let this day end quietly at home.

And it will. After I come home from dancing. The dance studio has become an oasis of fun and happiness for me. I can't think of a better way of ending 'a day like this' ...

Over Speaking

It seems that my own words are ringing back in my ears a lot these days. Words, that once spoken can't be taken back.

It has been relatively minor stuff in the scheme of things. Laughing out loud to my inner thoughts at a private joke that was going on inside of my own head (that really wouldn't be that funny to anyone but me) ... talking too much and listening too little ... and a playful banter that could have taken on a hurtful tone if the person on the other end hadn't had a sense of humor.

I need to take a breath before I speak. If I just took an extra second to think my words out before I speak them, I would live a little less in the land of regret.

I have been told that I often 'over speak'. I relinquish more details than necessary, spend a lot of words saying something when fewer words would suffice and over explain something that truly doesn't matter.

Sometimes, I can hear myself carrying on excessively and I still have a hard time putting the brakes on my vocabulary. In these cases, I often tell my patient listener that I am aware of my chattiness. But I tend to continue anyway.

Volleying words back and forth in conversation is often playful and fun. It stops being fun when one side of the conversation isn't returned in the same manner. When it comes to people that I am close to, I know there are times that my words have not been received in the intent with which they were spoken. Just because you are joking around doesn't take the sting out of something that has the potential to hurt. I have done this often enough in my life time to be aware of the dangers.

As I familiarize myself with the people who touch my life, I get more comfortable in my chatter. They hear more of me and about me than they ever wanted to know. There was a time in my life when I was a bit of an enigma. I was told once (in my quieter years) that because I didn't say a lot, people stopped to listen when I did say something. Now, I think my chattiness is akin to white noise. A person can drift out of my conversation and come back in a minute and not miss a thing.

I have a lot more fun with my life than I did in my quiet years. I have more people in my world than I did before. The people that I have semi regular contact with have taken on a feeling of 'friend'. I am comfortable in my world and with the people I surround myself with.

I like for people to get swept up in my excitement and enthusiasm so that may have a little to do with my conversational exuberance.

The one thing that I must remember to do, in this world of speaking ... is to breathe. Think more and talk less.

I would much rather be thought of as a good listener rather than an over talker.