Finding Your Passion

I wandered aimlessly through many chapters of my life. Drifting, coping, enduring ... I went through the paces of life that were necessary to take care of the life that I had built. If I was to color my life, those times would be shades of gray.

The past several years, I've been living in a panoramic, technicolor world. My life has been seasoned with passion.

I am very fortunate to have found several passions that I can easily immerse myself in. Activities that make my heart race, stir up great emotions and make me excited about the life that I am living.

As I wrote that description, I immediately thought it sounded like a 'falling in love' kind of feeling. And it is. The emotions are the same. The giddy happiness that comes from being in love is exactly what I am feeling. Only it is better. This feeling isn't attached to another human being. It is internal.

I have found an inner happiness and peace that comes from loving my life. I have filled my life with what makes me happy. I have allowed myself to follow my passions. I am following where my heart leads ... and it is amazing.

I write.

Writing is a solitary activity that I can keep to myself, share with another or share with the 'world'. Blogging has become second nature to me. I write about what moves me. Whether it is deep and serious ... or light and superficial. I let the words free fall from my brain into my fingertips (I am often surprised with the outcome ... this must be what an artist who paints feels like). I find that the more I write, the more I have to say. I have a strong feeling that if I was to stop writing, I would stop thinking in the same manner. My life would turn back to shades of gray.

I reach out to people more than I ever have in my lifetime.

I used to color myself 'boring'. Who would want to spend time with me? Why would anyone want to go out with me? What did I have to say? I must admit that it was writing that pushed me out of that way of thinking. I used to be very quiet (people who know me now, have a hard time believing that). But even in my quiet years, I wrote. I wrote letters and notes. I could write what I couldn't say out loud. I received a lot of positive feedback from the words that I put onto paper. Eventually that translated into a verbiage that I now have a hard time containing.

Now? I invite people into my life. I extend invitations. Amazingly ... people respond to that. I pushed myself far out of my comfort zone and invited myself into my mom's family so that I could put together their family's story and memories. I helped a friend do the same. I am on the cusp of working on my dad's family's memories. It's scary and overwhelming at times. But in the end ... it is beyond satisfying.

The best part of finding what moves me and going after it ... is that it costs me nothing. I'm giving of myself and there is no monetary gain or loss to be made. It is all personal. There are still risks ... but when I weigh the negative against the positive, the risks are well worth taking.

And ... I dance.

Unfortunately, this passion have a monetary price tag on it. In fact, that part is kind of sad. The only place that I get to dance is at the dance studio. Since I started taking dance lessons, I sit at the wayside at family weddings or events where dancing takes place. No one asks me to dance any more.

I laugh and say that I have to pay people to dance with me now. Yes, I'm sure that I could find other ways to dance. But not within the hours that I like to keep. I'm a homebody. I really like to be home by 9:00 or 10:00 at night. The hours of the dance studio fall well within that range. It's comfortable. 'Everybody knows my name'. It's well worth the price tag.

The most amazing thing has happened since I voiced my excitement about my enjoyment of the extra dance-hours that I put in, as I prepared to go to a dance competition in Montreal. The opportunity to dance some extra hours (within the hours that I like to keep) have presented themselves to me. All I had to do was say 'yes'!

My wishes are all coming true these days. It is amazing.

I have never felt so passionate about the life that I was living. These days ... I live a life that I love. I dare to dream. I believe that dreams can come true. I can't recall a time in my life when I was so happy within my own skin.

I have voiced many desires ... and one by one ... they are all coming true. Yes, I do have to push myself in the direction that I want to go. But for the first time in my life, I'm not afraid to do so.

If I could grant everyone on this earth just one wish ... it would be for them to find their own inner passion.

What drives you? What makes you happy? What do you feel great about? Where do you derive your confidence?

Everybody is good at something. It doesn't have to be big. It just has to be yours.

When you find what brings you inner happiness ... follow your instincts. Forge a new path. Take a risk.

Passion. The ability to dream. Believe it. Say it. Go for it!

Everyone deserves to be 'this' happy.

You Are Exactly Where You Are Meant to Be

"May today there be peace within you

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be ..."

~St. Teresa's Prayer

Trust.

How can one feel safe in the knowledge that no matter what you are enduring at this moment in time, is 'exactly where you are meant to be'?

By looking back. It is often only in retrospect, that we can find the value of enduring the unthinkable.

There is not one incident in my life that hasn't taught me something that I needed to learn.

A lesson in heart ache taught me that I knew how to love. A lesson in personal loss taught me that I need to appreciate and acknowledge those that touch my life. A lesson in material loss taught me that 'things' don't matter. The lessons of parenthood? I'm still learning ...

I have had the gift of a heart-to-heart conversation with my two oldest sons this week. We talked about many things. Each of them has had their own 'mountain to climb' in dealing with the emotional aftermath of incidents personal to them. Each of them gave me the gift of telling me one way in which I have set an example for them. Defining moments in my life, that my children saw and remembered, made a difference in the way they see me now.

We are all individual in our abilities to cope.

Some of us bounce back quicker than others. The visual picture of an inflatable punching bag comes to mind. I like to think of myself as one who has the ability to keep standing in the face of adversity.

Other times? It's like the wind is knocked right out of us and some resuscitation is required. A little CPR for the soul.

If only it was as simple as having someone else breathe the air back into you. Maybe it's necessary at first, but it is important to breathe on your own. You must be able to stand alone and not be hooked up to 'life' support. Support can be taken away.

I can't stress enough just how important it is to have the ability to stand on your own. A healthy relationship can't happen if one person is relying on another, to 'make' them happy. To be the person that another is relying on, is exhausting. Eventually that person becomes depleted. When that person is 'empty' ... what happens?

I've found myself in relationships that have drained me of everything that I was. Survival skills kicked in and I did what it took to save myself. I left the relationship. It's not easy to walk away from what you had believed was 'forever'. You have to redefine and rebuild yourself and your life. There were many times that I didn't like where I was in life. But those times changed me.

The unfortunate part of that equation is that there are two people in a relationship. The other party is also in a place that they don't want to be. That is also their moment of truth. What you do in those moments builds character.

There are escapes. Blame, 'drugs of choice', denial, anger ... but what is underneath all that is numbing you from what is hurting? You.

This is exactly where you are meant to be. It isn't easy. It hurts like heck. There are no easy answers.

Trust. Believe that you must be in 'this place'. Confront it. Learn from it. Do what has to be done. Endure it. And take one step.

One step in a forward direction will start you on a path that leads you to where you need to go ...



"I may have felt like a punching bag from time to time in my life. But ... just like Bozo, I just kept bouncing back.

Be resilient to life. Learn from it and keep going back for the next round.

The best is yet to come!"
~Me

One Half Hour

It's 30 minutes of my week. But its effects last for days. My dance lesson.

The absolutely best part of all of the preparations for Montreal were the extra dance lessons. I do question what I absorbed during those extra 90 minutes per week (upon viewing the videos taken at the competition), but it was fun while it lasted.

That half hour flies by. It is so fun now, as we are working on some routines for the next dance showcase. I am excited to try whatever assortment of patterns that my instructor has in mind. He comes up with a lot of fun stuff. Most of it challenges my brain and body skills ... I master very little of it with the technique required to make it look easy and effective. But I love it.

It is the laughter and the fun-factor that I love. Add music and dancing to that and it is amazing. Then toss in my dance instructor who is charismatic, easy-going and good for my soul and I'm back on my cloud.

I've watched my instructor spin his magic with many. He is so in sync with the personalities, insecurities and levels of ability of whoever it may be that he is dancing with, that he brings out the best in everyone. I have seen his partners light up and magically transform as he works his charm and his most excellent dancing abilities.

As I waded through the photos that were taken while we were in Montreal, I marvelled at the way each of our instructors worked with us, encouraged us and and those 'looks' in the photos of each of them with their students. The smiles of encouragement, the eyes and the unspoken words.

The smiles of one student in particular was from the heart and soul. I love that smile. I looked at her instructor and the smile was mirrored back in a harmony that spoke volumes.

'That' is what my instructor does for me. We dance, we laugh and I learn a little bit along the way. The words of encouragement, the smile and the laughter. They echo in my mind for days afterwards.

It is a 30 minute investment. But the rewards of that half hour? They endure for days ...

The Time of Great Calmness

My head has been up in the clouds these past weeks and I overlooked something. Something important. I have stopped spending money.

I've went out for supper ... twice. I have bought Pringles (much more than twice). I've paid for dance lessons. But other than that? Bills, groceries, gas and necessities of life.

Wow!

My credit card needed the break. I believe if the ATM machine had the ability, it would have flashed across the screen "Are you sure?!?'' Cash vanished. My bank balance went down. My credit card balance went up.

But, these past few weeks? Calmness reigns. Within my soul. And within my cheque book register.

The Time of Great Spending is behind me. It was fun while it lasted. But the Time of Great Budgeting must take precedence.

This is a Time of Great Calmness. I am fulfilled within. I don't need to fill the void with a great deal of spending.

The Soundtrack of Our Lives

I planned my funeral yesterday ...

The father of a friend of mine passed away last week and I instinctively felt that I should attend his memorial service. I have a connection with this family that exceeds one blog post. It simply felt like the right thing to do.

I have now been to a grand total of five funerals in my life. I don't have a great deal of background knowledge on the subject, but as I sat alone throughout the service (I didn't know a soul except for the grieving family) I thought about my own inevitable demise and eventual good-bye ...

Music.

My life is a soundtrack. There have been songs that have touched me in a way that makes me think 'that is a song that I would like to play at my funeral'. There are songs of family, love and friendship that speak the words I can't and hypnotize me with their melody. A simple piece of music with a catchy melody and words that tell the people in my life how I feel. In the quiet of yesterday, I had a new thought. A soundtrack of the music that I've danced to at our showcases. Yes. Music is key.

Pictures.

There was an enlarged photo of the deceased at the front of the church. It was a lovely picture. When I saw it and thought of my own funeral, I immediately thought that the picture that I would choose, would be one where I was dancing.

There was a slide show of pictures at the end of the service and it was perfect. I love how photographs take you back in time and capture precious moments. It was poignant and told a story without words. Pictures that made you reflect, smile, tear up a little ... and the last photo made you laugh and cry all in the same breath. Yes, a short slide show of my life is on my list. With that 'soundtrack of my life' in the background.

Memories.

Short and to the point. Light, touching and humorous would be on the agenda. I told this to my Second Son and he immediately agreed that he had some humor to add to the occasion.

The most touching of all of the funerals I have attended, was a very small gathering of family where they sat together and shared stories. This family wasn't outwardly religious but they had a nondenominational 'person of faith' lead the informal service. In my eyes, it was a touching good-bye and tribute to a loved one. To be surrounded by those who loved this person and hear their memories in such a casual manner ... was perfect.

I don't plan on leaving this earth for a very long time. In the time between now and then, I shall be very conscious of living a life worth remembering.

As I embark onto my next Life Project (the wheels are turning ... April 25th may be a day of importance ... plans are being made!), I am looking back and collecting memories of those who are no longer here to tell their story.

In my quest to put together the story of my dad's family, I have spoke to all of my uncles. Dad isn't here to tell me his story, which makes this process very near and dear to my heart. Dad has an older brother that predeceased him. It is my hope that I can gather his children together for a day where we can sit and collect his memories. It's in the works.

Music ... photographs ... memories.

I may not be able to add a soundtrack to the eventual book that I plan on amassing from my memory gathering. But if this project works out as planned, you will hear it playing in the background.

The soundtrack of life is that which is always playing. The words, the sounds, the breath and the heartbeat of our life is forever running throughout our days here on earth. Those who have great talent can put this to music. Me? I shall try and put it into words ...

They Are Listening

Yesterday, I had a small amount of stress within, as I fought with the latest 'book keeping project'. Second Son was witness to my boss's command that I take the night off and forget about book keeping for the night. She looked directly at My Son and told him to make sure that I didn't work. And he obliged.

We sat down and shared a bottle of wine. I relaxed and forgot about book keeping. He relived his first day on his new job ... and some of the anxieties that preceded that.

We talked easily. It was like old times. Times when we would sit and talk about the parallel lives we were living.

Then he gave me the biggest compliment a mother can receive from a child. He told me that because I keep 'reinventing my life' (these are my words, not his ... I can't remember his exact phrasing), it inspired him. He wasn't content to just let his life happen. He wanted to take the reins and make some changes. Thus ... the shift of career choices for him.

As a parent, I don't consciously make decisions based on what my kids will think. Yes, I have made choices that have been in the best interests of my children. Yes, I think (later) about how my reaction to life's adversities could affect them. Yes, I do try to model what I hope is a good life. But no, I haven't 'reinvented my life' to inspire my children. Yet ... maybe it has?

Each of my adult children have (at one point in their lives) shook their heads and said to me, "I can't believe it ... I'm turning into you!" This was not necessarily a compliment when they uttered the words in disbelief. The shock of instinctively reacting in the way your parent does, is frightening to a young adult. I felt their pain.

Yes, I hear my words in my children at times.

The most recent memory is that of Second Son playing the Wii downstairs. The laminate flooring has very good acoustics and I could hear the profanity rising up the stairs and into my hearing range. The thought did cross mind, that it wasn't appropriate language for My Youngest to be listening to. But I bit my tongue. It's not a biggie.

Then I went downstairs for some reason as the Wii game continued. As I descended the stairs, Second Son hit another level of frustration with the game he was playing. And once again, with his booming voice he uttered: "Sheesh kabob!!" (my profanity of choice).

I thought, ''That's my boy!" He's been listening to me all these years, after all ...

Quiet ...

I could have found the time ... but I just didn't have the words in me this past weekend. So I took a break from blogging. And I worked. Then I worked some more. The weekend is over and what do I have to say about it?

First and foremost, I started coming out of my little happy cocoon. In some good ways and in some not-so-good-ways.

The good ways?

I started calling and emailing friends and family again. As I tentatively stepped back into my real-life responsibilities, I put work/school/home first. I thought of my friends. I knew that I wanted to try to arrange to get together with them. But I thought ... later.

Saturday was the beginning. I returned one phone call and ended up inviting a friend over for supper thanks to that conversation. Perfect! Then, I called a long-distance friend and we caught up by phone. I had two good visits under my belt and it was only 9 a.m. After that kick-start to the day (it was better than 'blogging' my morning away), I went to work.

Sunday was just as good. Instead of phoning two friends, I sent off some emails. As the day progressed, I not only heard from the people I had contacted ... but I got a fun and interesting reply from an email I had sent off quite some time ago. It was a day of cyber-world-friendships and contacts. A day where I contacted a relative and have a tentative family-memory-gathering session on the horizon. And it was a day that I worked. Then ... I worked some more.

I made myself a priority yesterday and suggested that we go out for our Sunday Family Supper. I'm so grateful that I did. As I looked around the table and our varied appetites, I knew that I couldn't have put together a smorgasbord of food that could compare to the wide variety of meals we had in front of us.

The food was great. It's good to be with my family. But ... the ease in which our conversations usually flow was a little off. Was it because we weren't at home? Has home become synonymous to easy flowing conversations? Or was it because each of us was in a different 'head space'?

I'm leaning towards believing that we each had our own thoughts going on within. I had been working all weekend and had numbers and book-work still free falling in my mind. Second Son has some transitions and some of his own worries going on in his mind. My Oldest is looking towards his future ... but I have the feeling that in doing so, it has him reflecting on his past. There wasn't a lot of deep conversation. There was a lot under the surface. Next Sunday, we shall dine at home and see if the words come.

All of these were the good ways in which I was slowly emerging from my happy little cocoon. Then ... there is real life. The not-so-good-ways.

I let myself get into a little negative self-talk mode in a few instances lately. After venting some of my words, I quickly realized something. The way I get treated by the people in my life is up to me. If I let myself be a doormat, I will get stepped on. It's not rocket science. In each of my minor frustrations, I could see the part that I played in the scenario. If I had changed my action or reaction, the outcome would have been completely different.

It's quite often 'just that simple'. If you want to know something ... ask. Don't assume. If you want to have control over a day, take control. Don't allow someone else's schedule override your own priorities.

And, since no blog would be complete without it ... I must write about dancing. Big surprise there.

I had a thought come to me in the quiet of the morning today ...

The dance studio is my happy place. I forget everything when I walk in that door. I am so comfortable with the people that I meet there. It is like 'Cheers' ... where everybody knows your name.

It brought me back to a time when I was married. For a time, we regularly went to a lounge where we gathered with a varying group of friends. We drank a little and we danced a lot. I remember the feeling of hearing the music and knowing I wanted to dance. And I did. The music was a part of my soul.

I loved those memories. Now I have them again. Without the alcohol, with a group of people that are healthy to be around and with a comfort level that I don't ever remember feeling before. A sense of ease that comes from just being myself and savoring the memories that I make along the way.

Life is good. Happy Monday!!