Home Again, Home Again!

It does not matter how much or how little I have enjoyed being away ... there is simply no place like home! I am (as always) glad to be back.

This past weekend was ... easy.

I wasn't craving a weekend away. I didn't feel a need to be alone with my thoughts. I would have been just as happy at home. But I'm glad that I went.

I didn't contact any friends while I was at Mom's. They didn't even know I was in the city. I simply 'gave' the weekend to my mom. We visited with my brother & his family a few times ... and we went with the flow. It was pretty close to perfect.

The winter driving conditions weren't as ideal as I have grown accustomed to. Almost any time I've travelled that path it has been almost summer-like driving conditions. Even in the winter...

Maybe I used to be braver. I just had visions of sliding into a ditch and the inconvenience of having to tow and fix a car ... not to mention the inconvenience of phoning for help, making arrangements and waiting to get towed to safety. There were a fair number of cars in the ditch. It just made me very aware of the fact that one minute I could be driving along at highway speeds and in a heartbeat I could be sliding into an uncontrolled skid.

More than ever, life has made me very aware of how life-as-we-know-it can change in a millisecond. It has helped me appreciate life's little blessings on a regular basis. It has also made me become more fearful than I remember being before this hyper-awareness.

I need to let go of the fear so that I can savor the moments at full capacity.

What did I see as I travelled down life's icy highways this past weekend? I saw little more than cars in the ditch and the safest path down the long stretch of road before me. I saw the highway signs as I counted down the miles to get to my destination. I was mindful of my speed and ever aware of the clock ticking down my time.

This is eerily parallel to the life I am living right now. I'm sticking to the safest route as I watch life at a distance. I am so aware of all that can go wrong ... that I am not fully appreciating all that is going right. I walk through most of my days with blinders on. I don't see beyond where I expect my day to go. I am ever aware of the clock ticking down another day.

This isn't the way to live a life. It is safe. It is easy. But it isn't living life to the fullest.

Yes ... I am home again. I am safe. From this nest of contentment and safety, I must muster the courage to start living a life that I feel passionate about. I miss the passion. I miss the dreams. I need to push myself out of this place even though it is my most favorite place in the world.

Taking a Break

Sometimes it is better to be safe than sorry. I am more than safe. I am savoring the little oasis that beckoned to me as I sat and drank a cup of coffee one hour away from my Final Destination yesterday.

I have been craving 'alone time' for quite some time now. After the Personal Day that I granted myself last weekend, the need had passed. But when life presented me with enough doubts about the roads, darkness looming and a hotel within arm's reach at a time and place when I had to make a decision ... I decided to stay.

I am glad that I did.

I don't have to be anything to anybody here. It is just me. I don't have to worry about tiptoeing around and waking anyone up. I don't have to provide a meal for anyone but myself. I don't have to clean up after anyone else. I don't have to talk. I'm not governed by a schedule, responsibilities or the needs of anyone else in the world right now. 

And it feels good.

It is so easy when you don't have to worry about anyone else's well-being but your own. What is that person thinking? Is this in their best interests? Are they hungry? Are they happy? Are they upset with me? Am I doing all that I should be doing?

It can be hard to be one in a family living under one roof. Everyone must be considerate of each other to make it work. Little things become bigger than they should. Your life is not your own. It is a delicate balance of give and take. Give or take too much and the equilibrium is threatened. 

Sometimes everyone just needs a break from the routine. It could be worse. I could feel alone in the world. It is a gift to feel the need to be 'somebody' to someone else. I know how fortunate that I am. 

But sometimes? I just want to take a break from all that is so good in my life ....

Decisions, Decisions ...

The day sits before me and as yet I do not know where it will take me ...

I have a rather lovely dilemma on my hands. I have today off. Plus the weekend. And a holiday Monday. Four days. Hmmm ...

I have developed the most awful habit of wasting time. Four days at home could be catastrophic. But maybe it would give me an opportunity to turn a corner and start to change this time wasting habit.

My plans are to head out to my mom's. It is a five hour drive. Their city was snowed under a few days ago. Heavy snow is in our forecast for tonight. If I am going to leave ... today would be the day.

I have frittered my time this morning, checking out the Weather Network's highway forecast. According to weather conditions, my most opportune time to travel would be to leave by noon today and travel  half way today. Then (the Weather Network's highway forecaster predicts), I could leave by 11:00 a.m. tomorrow morning and complete the last half of my trek (making it to my destination in plenty of time for my 4:30 hair appointment!).

I need to deliver flyers this morning. I should complete a bookkeeping task that I have been putting off. If properly motivated, I should be able to accomplish both of these challenges by noon. Then I would actually feel like I deserve this trip.

If I stay home and have four days at my disposal, I am afraid that the time would slip through my hands and I would have nothing to show for it. I am leaning towards going while the going is good ...

But then ... I have to get back home. But if I stay ... I'll have to entrust my hair to someone I don't know.

Distracted

I think I need older friends. I have adopted the attention span of a one-year-old.

I start things and walk away.

• A blog post sits unfinished in my drafts from yesterday morning.
• An email to my sister sat minimized on the bottom of the computer screen for the better part of two days.
• I abandon cups of coffee.
• The kitchen table is strewn with things that need to be done or read or put away. 
• My to-do-list and phone calls that need to be made sit on the computer desk.

My brain is one long list of incompleteness. I can't hold onto a train of thought, let alone stick it through to the end.

I started taking some multivitamins and Omega 3 supplements on the advise of Dr. Oz in the hope that it will help my brain function better.

My Daycare Days are ten hours of distraction. I start one thing but cannot complete it because I hear something that must be investigated. From meal preparation & clean up ... to diaper changes ... to refereeing and overseeing one & two year olds at play ... to nap times ... to our much anticipated walks ...  to simply the general way the day flows when keeping your eye on such young, little people ... my attention span is pretty short these days.

I cannot believe that I wrote the entirety of this post without interruption. My one-year-olds are napping and my very tired two-year-old is watching "Toopy & Binoo" (in lieu of a morning nap). The phone hasn't rang. I haven't received an incoming email. I haven't been distracted by the Internet (except for referring to it to find out exactly what it was that Dr. Oz said about Omega 3 & how to spell "Toopy & Binoo").

There is truly no substance to my message today but I think that I may post it anyway. This is just the way my mind is rolling lately. I'm feeling distracted and a little bit flighty. No weighty issues are on my mind (except my weight ... I have officially graduated to my next new pant size ... "Yay me!").

I have a four day weekend ahead of me. I think that I must seek out and find ways to stimulate my brain. If the weather conditions keep me close to home, I have things to do and people to talk to. If weather permits, I shall go and visit real live adult people (and get my hair cut ... I am really hoping that I get my hair cut at my new favorite hair dresser)!

Now I must go make the most of the time that I have left as my young ones sleep. There is a leaf (that my one-year-old plucked off of the plant that has been sitting in front of me for at least an hour), that I must go throw in the garbage. I am wondering how many ways I will be distracted on the long trip to the kitchen ...

Just Write!

I'm not going to over think this post. I am just going to write. There is a great chance that it will wind up being a post about nothing. But this is the way my mind is clicking these days ...

My hair has hit a spot where it is driving me a little bit crazy. The scariest part of all? I know it needs to be cut and I am afraid to go somewhere, where they will start the downward spiral of a haircut-gone-bad. One bad haircut begets another. And another. And so on and so forth.

So ... I booked an appointment with the person who cut my hair when I was on holidays this past August. Yup. I'm travelling five hours to get a haircut. Oh ... and I will also have a chance to stop in and visit with my mom.

I can't believe how hard it was to decide to make this trip. What is my problem?!?! I think it is because I was planning on being a tag-along-girl and just go along with my Oldest Son, if it happened to work out. The unfortunate part is that he doesn't make definite plans. So I sat in limbo. Mom sat in limbo. I do not like being in limbo. I really, really don't like being in limbo when I have Mom along with me for the ride.

So yesterday morning, I decided to go. I phoned Mom and said, "I'm coming ... I will drive out in my car so that we have a car available to go wherever and whenever we want to go. And oh ... do you remember the name of the lady who cut my hair when I was out the last time?"

There are still a few details to be ironed out - will My Youngest join me or not? How will Sunday's papers get done? But I made a decision. And I'm getting my hair cut!

In preparation for the big haircut occasion, I colored my hair last night. No more roots. No more pretty 'sun kissed' hair either (I really liked the salon hair color that I got this past summer). I'm just a plain little mousy brown again. Ahem, let me correct that. I am a 'dark golden blond'. But on top of my hair? It is kind of mousy brown. Oh well. At least I don't have roots ... and a good haircut will detract from the mousiness.

Yup. This is the drivel that is overwhelming my thoughts lately. This is what is taking up space in my brain! Yikes. Now I just need to find a new pair of jeans that fit ...

Life is like that. When you have a (what feels like an unending) list of small things racing around in your head, you tend to forget how inconsequential any one of those things are. When you are faced with life and death and important life altering decisions ... this little stuff goes away.

I have been quietly accusing myself of creating a need for drama in my life. When the need for a hair cut becomes all-consuming, something is out of kilter.

Once I get my hair taken care of, I will be ready to take on the world. Just wait and see!

A Personal Day

Back in the day when my family depended on me, my personal day would have been called "a strike". Since my children are all quite independent and self reliant, I can take the day off and no one really notices a difference (sad to say). As my morning started to slip into afternoon and I had not yet left my bedroom, I consciously dubbed the day one of a personal nature.

I made my breakfast smoothie and coffee and took it to my room. I grabbed my (netbook) computer and took it along with me. I had the phone, my cell phone and Internet access to the outside world. I closed  my door and gave myself A Personal Day.

It all started because I slept in. I basically slept around the clock. From 8 p.m. until (almost) 8 a.m. By the time I felt ready to get up, I could hear the rest of the house stirring and I didn't feel sociable. I just wanted to cocoon myself with my computer and see what words fell out of my fingertips. I wanted to watch inane TV movies and see if I could find something within them that spoke to me.

I wrote. And wrote and wrote. I didn't find any major underlying thoughts when I let my subconscious mind speak freely and privately. But I did find a few small ah-ha's in the midst of the chaos within my mind. I think that I just needed to write without censoring myself. So that is what I did.

As the day progressed and I kept myself insulated from the world within our home (the outside world was more than welcome, as I could check emails/answer the phone/receive text messages), it slowly but surely progressed to a point where I knew that I would not make a habit of this. But it felt good to commit the day to myself. I made supper for my Youngest Son and we each went our separate ways and ate alone.

Yes, this was beginning to feel uncomfortable. I spent the evening in my room and when I found myself starting to doze off to sleep, I came out one last time to say good night to My Youngest.

He was slightly curious as to why I stayed in my room all day so I explained that I just took a Personal Day. But as the day progressed, I started to think of him and the way that he spends entire days in his room. Granted, his room consists of a sleeping area and a living area. He has a TV; X-Box live; a phone and a cell so he is not entirely unconnected with the outside world ... but he is not connecting with real, live people face-to-face either. And this is not good. I ended the day with a message to My Son. "This is not a healthy way to live a life. You must come out and interact with people ..."

I live in a somewhat virtual world. I am attached to the computer and I am continually checking the blogs that I follow; updating my own blogs; sending emails (not nearly as much as I used to); writing; (will soon be) working at my bookkeeping job; and researching whatever little thought or idea crosses my mind. I thought that I was utilizing the computer and the virtual world in a healthy way...

But after one day of no face-to-face contact with the people in my world, I was starting to feel lost. I was detached, depressed and extremely unmotivated to change the course of the day. I am reconsidering my priorities.

People need people. Real, live people. It is far too easy to live in a virtual world.

I was concerned about the way this would affect my Monday morning coping skills. Amazingly, it turned my regular old life into technicolor.

I had a short conversation with my Middle Son before he left for work. As my Daycare Family started arriving, I was genuinely happy to see them.

I sent My Youngest off to school with a cheerful, happy demeanor. Not much different than any other day ... but it felt different. He was walking out the door into the real world, with real, live people. He would interact, socialize and physically take part in his day. I was so happy to see a technicolor day before him as well.

I am glad that I gave myself a Personal Day. It was a nice place to visit ... but I wouldn't want to stay there.

Winter

We woke up to a full fledged winter morning yesterday ...

Initially, I wandered outside to check to see if my flyers had arrived. The thought of delivering them on a mild, snowy, winter day sounded like a good one.

The flyers weren't there, but I just had to take a picture of our dark, snowy morning. So I wandered back into the house, put on my winter boots and snapped a few photos. Then I grabbed the shovel ...

I was wearing my pj's, a sweater and my Sorel winter boots. And I was warm enough to continue shovelling for a good half hour. My Son came and joined me and soon our home looked like this:

What a beautiful, peaceful and enjoyable winter morning ...

We have been making the most of our winter thus far. It is kind of fun to have an excuse to go out and make a snowman. My Youngest said that coming home to our chubby cheeked little Frosty the snowman after a day at school just made him feel happy inside.

Obviously, this picture was taken before our recent snowstorm. This is now what Frosty looks like:

My Second Son went out and bought a snow blower yesterday afternoon. I wish that I could have captured the expression on his face when he proudly walked past the living room window and caught my eye. Suddenly he was 10 years old again, with an expression that said, "Look at me, Mom!! See how much I love my new toy?!?!"

Yes, winter has arrived in Our Fair City. I love that we were eased so gently into this season that can be so beautiful ...

Was I happy to be safe, snug and warm inside of my home for the day instead of out there battling icy streets and new winter driving conditions?? You betcha!!

Winter is ever-so-much-more enjoyable right in our own back yard ... can I say it again?? I am so happy to be working from home!