Lately, there has been a weariness that has set in. I was beyond exhausted last night. I slept until my alarm woke me this morning (I am always awake before my alarm). I wrote this mornings blog on exhaustion and I faced the day.
Wow!
I finished a few tasks that were on my mental to-do list. I had all of my kids picked up and gone by 5:40 tonight. I didn't have any work to do tonight. And it felt fantastic.
A sense of glee was deep inside of me as I cherished the moments of the evening. As Kurt and I ran an errand, we had an enjoyable conversation (and he thinks I'm doing a pretty good job as a mom). We weren't racing against the clock, but I was glad that we weren't gone long.
I sat and watched Dancing With the Stars with our cat. I went to him, picked him up and lavished attention on him before he demanded it. He rewarded me with his deepest, most heartfelt purr.
I puttered through the evening with nothing on my agenda. I just savored the moments, knowing that I had a good day behind me.
A good day. The kids weren't over the top today. Their behaviours were all enjoyable, they were all happy, very little arguing (well there is one voice that grated on my nerves a lot throughout the day but it lessened as the day wore on). I handed out my reworded newsletters to my parents. I believe that I made the points that I wanted to make and was sensitive in the way I worded things. It always feels good to open the lines of communication and my newsletters have always worked that magic for me.
The weights have been lifted off my shoulders. I feel light enough to carry the weight that I still have to carry and work on lessening the load a little bit more tomorrow.
It was a very good day.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Overloaded
The exhaustion that has seeped into my 'being' is telling. Even when I went through the overloaded moments when I was putting together my mom's family's history book, they passed. I took a day or two to let myself recoup and I was off and running again.
It feels different this time. My full daycare load plus my second job are filling my days and nights. My weekends aren't my own, because I feel like I'm on call for this second job (that is simply the way I feel - that has a workable solution). I now have 2 consecutive days off, but I'm not putting them to the best use.
I looked back at the last week of hours that I put in, at this 'bookkeeping' job. I worked every evening until 9 or 9:30 except 2. And those 2 evenings, I had my own plans. I felt guilty for taking a 'crash and burn' day on Saturday, but on looking back at my week I see why I needed it.
The daycare world is taxing me more than it needs to be. It is my reaction to the days that is wearing me down. I sat down and started writing up a newsletter to the parents yesterday. I thought it was at the stage to print off and hand out when divine intervention stepped in and made me take a moment to pause.
My (almost) new printer has stopped printing some colors. I thought if I changed the ink cartridges that would work, but the problem was still happening after that. So I spent an hour 'chatting' online with one of the service reps and then to someone on the phone when he realized that I needed to get a replacement part (covered by warranty).
So the newsletter didn't go out. All I can say is "Whew!"
I deleted several paragraphs that were written with a little too much emotion. But even after I did that, there was a feeling of desperation in my writing. I needed to take that day to cool off and reword things.
The printer could have printed off the newsletter as it was. But the timing of my service call to the printer company stopped the press. I am so relieved.
Writing my feelings has always been an outlet for me. Sometimes those words written in the heat of the moment are thoughts best kept to myself. I don't always put the brakes on sending, printing or voicing my words in time.
I'm grateful for a printer problem that halted me in my tracks yesterday. I'm in a much better place this morning to put words to paper that are worthy of sharing ...
It feels different this time. My full daycare load plus my second job are filling my days and nights. My weekends aren't my own, because I feel like I'm on call for this second job (that is simply the way I feel - that has a workable solution). I now have 2 consecutive days off, but I'm not putting them to the best use.
I looked back at the last week of hours that I put in, at this 'bookkeeping' job. I worked every evening until 9 or 9:30 except 2. And those 2 evenings, I had my own plans. I felt guilty for taking a 'crash and burn' day on Saturday, but on looking back at my week I see why I needed it.
The daycare world is taxing me more than it needs to be. It is my reaction to the days that is wearing me down. I sat down and started writing up a newsletter to the parents yesterday. I thought it was at the stage to print off and hand out when divine intervention stepped in and made me take a moment to pause.
My (almost) new printer has stopped printing some colors. I thought if I changed the ink cartridges that would work, but the problem was still happening after that. So I spent an hour 'chatting' online with one of the service reps and then to someone on the phone when he realized that I needed to get a replacement part (covered by warranty).
So the newsletter didn't go out. All I can say is "Whew!"
I deleted several paragraphs that were written with a little too much emotion. But even after I did that, there was a feeling of desperation in my writing. I needed to take that day to cool off and reword things.
The printer could have printed off the newsletter as it was. But the timing of my service call to the printer company stopped the press. I am so relieved.
Writing my feelings has always been an outlet for me. Sometimes those words written in the heat of the moment are thoughts best kept to myself. I don't always put the brakes on sending, printing or voicing my words in time.
I'm grateful for a printer problem that halted me in my tracks yesterday. I'm in a much better place this morning to put words to paper that are worthy of sharing ...
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
The Wisdom to Know the Difference
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change ...
My unpredictable daycare schedule, the colds and flus that the kids bring through the door, other people's behaviour, the whims of children ...
The courage to change the things I can ...
Writing a newsletter to my parents to confront some of the issues that keep arising, find a way to prevent my second job from putting my weekends into limbo, start one Christmas project, smile ....
And the wisdom to know the difference.
‘I believe that all wisdom consists in caring immensely for a few right things, and not caring a straw about the rest.’
— John Buchan
Another quote I found on wisdom that made me smile and think:
‘We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it—and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove lid. She will never sit on a hot stove lid again—and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.’
— Mark Twain
My unpredictable daycare schedule, the colds and flus that the kids bring through the door, other people's behaviour, the whims of children ...
The courage to change the things I can ...
Writing a newsletter to my parents to confront some of the issues that keep arising, find a way to prevent my second job from putting my weekends into limbo, start one Christmas project, smile ....
And the wisdom to know the difference.
‘I believe that all wisdom consists in caring immensely for a few right things, and not caring a straw about the rest.’
— John Buchan
Another quote I found on wisdom that made me smile and think:
‘We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it—and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove lid. She will never sit on a hot stove lid again—and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.’
— Mark Twain
Monday, November 3, 2008
Another Coincidence?
8 days after the small miracle of hearing from my friend (who I haven't crossed paths with, in decades) right after I was thinking of her, I received another surprise email this morning.
I heard from my uncle, who I had just been thinking of sending an email to. We have been exchanging the odd email lately, so it isn't quite the miracle that it was to hear from my friend last week. But he just happened to forward me some pictures of his weekend adventure on the very same day that I was thinking about him.
How often does this happen that we don't realize? Wouldn't it make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside to think that as you were thinking of someone ... that they were thinking of you at the same time? I have a feeling that our connection on this place called earth is far beyond the obvious.
I love the connection that email, long distance phone bundles and the many modes of communication that are available to keep people 'close', no matter how far apart they are. But this magical connection that I've been on the receiving end, these past few weeks makes me believe that there is a 'wireless' connection among us. We just have to tune into it.
I heard from my uncle, who I had just been thinking of sending an email to. We have been exchanging the odd email lately, so it isn't quite the miracle that it was to hear from my friend last week. But he just happened to forward me some pictures of his weekend adventure on the very same day that I was thinking about him.
How often does this happen that we don't realize? Wouldn't it make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside to think that as you were thinking of someone ... that they were thinking of you at the same time? I have a feeling that our connection on this place called earth is far beyond the obvious.
I love the connection that email, long distance phone bundles and the many modes of communication that are available to keep people 'close', no matter how far apart they are. But this magical connection that I've been on the receiving end, these past few weeks makes me believe that there is a 'wireless' connection among us. We just have to tune into it.
So Much To Do ...
So little time ...
The transition back into my full babysitting load hasn't been without its challenges. Not only are my days noisier, more hectic and unpredictable, but I can't squeeze in extra work or errands during the day like I had the luxury of doing during my 'work slow down time'. The extra demands on my after hours time and the extra demands on my patience levels have taken the words out of my fingertips as I readjust to this new equilibrium. It's far easier to slow down the pace of life than to pick it up where you last left off.
The direct comparison as to how I felt about my days when I had fewer kids around has me reexamining where I want to go from here.
I believe I'm a far better person when I am less taxed by the kids. I have 9 different families that I work for and lately I feel like I am at their mercy. Last minute changes to the day and my budget have run rampant in the 2 weeks that I've been back to my full babysitting load.
I took on a bookkeeping type of job a few months ago. And I love it. I can do it from home, at the time and pace of my choosing. And I get paid for it! It is wonderful. As the last few weeks were taking their toll, I made it known to the lady I work for that I would be happy to work more for her and lessen my kid-load. Then I had an accountant friend over on the weekend and repeated my story. She perked up and asked if I'd be interested in taking on more work. I told her that I don't have a formal education in accounting, but I have a head for numbers, I love a challenge and I'm up to the task. She said that she often has people asking if she knows someone who could help them (basically doing what I am doing for this other company) and asked if I would like her to pass along my name. YES!!!
Nothing will happen over night, but my daycare load won't dwindle over night either. I have 3 families that will be on maternity leave over the course of the next 6 to 7 months. 6 or 7 months to try and focus on a new direction.
I have opened myself to the possibilities that are out there. I have made my wishes known ... I believe this could work.
I feel the tides changing. I'm willing to go where the flow takes me ...
The transition back into my full babysitting load hasn't been without its challenges. Not only are my days noisier, more hectic and unpredictable, but I can't squeeze in extra work or errands during the day like I had the luxury of doing during my 'work slow down time'. The extra demands on my after hours time and the extra demands on my patience levels have taken the words out of my fingertips as I readjust to this new equilibrium. It's far easier to slow down the pace of life than to pick it up where you last left off.
The direct comparison as to how I felt about my days when I had fewer kids around has me reexamining where I want to go from here.
I believe I'm a far better person when I am less taxed by the kids. I have 9 different families that I work for and lately I feel like I am at their mercy. Last minute changes to the day and my budget have run rampant in the 2 weeks that I've been back to my full babysitting load.
I took on a bookkeeping type of job a few months ago. And I love it. I can do it from home, at the time and pace of my choosing. And I get paid for it! It is wonderful. As the last few weeks were taking their toll, I made it known to the lady I work for that I would be happy to work more for her and lessen my kid-load. Then I had an accountant friend over on the weekend and repeated my story. She perked up and asked if I'd be interested in taking on more work. I told her that I don't have a formal education in accounting, but I have a head for numbers, I love a challenge and I'm up to the task. She said that she often has people asking if she knows someone who could help them (basically doing what I am doing for this other company) and asked if I would like her to pass along my name. YES!!!
Nothing will happen over night, but my daycare load won't dwindle over night either. I have 3 families that will be on maternity leave over the course of the next 6 to 7 months. 6 or 7 months to try and focus on a new direction.
I have opened myself to the possibilities that are out there. I have made my wishes known ... I believe this could work.
I feel the tides changing. I'm willing to go where the flow takes me ...
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Every Day Miracles
I love to focus on the simple pleasures of life. When you look around you, miracles abound. Sometimes they are disguised as a tragedy ... but when the dust settles, often a person can find one thing to be grateful for (even if it takes a while to find it).
This past weekend I was thinking of a friend. A friend that I have known for 37(ish) years ... a friend that I haven't seen in 35 or so years ... a friend that I keep in contact with at Christmas time and now (thanks to the miracle of email), maybe a time or two throughout the year. I thought of her on 2 separate occasions, with 2 totally different 'triggers' to have me thinking of her. And ... I got an email from her on Sunday!! Talk about a small miracle! To think that we happened to be thinking of each other at the same time ... a 'lifetime' of living, 2 totally separate lives and over 1700 miles separate us ... and we were thinking of each other at the same time. It truly makes one believe in "fate or else our ears are burning in synchrony" to quote my friend. It makes the world feel so much smaller when things like that happen.
I've been busy writing letters (the old fashioned way ... where you actually put pen to paper and mail them) this past short while. I write to my mom every week, but I added a few extra people to the mix ... just because I was thinking of them. The connection isn't as instantaneous as email, but the sentiment is just the same. "I'm thinking of you ... and thought I'd let you know."
In this world full of global unrest and financial uncertainty where every day, people are facing their own mountains - whether a personal crisis, being a care giver to an aging family, facing one's own health challenges or a rough patch in life ... I think it is important to find the blessings mixed in amongst the turmoil.
Letting someone know they are in your thoughts can make a difference. You just never know ... maybe that friend was thinking of you too.
This past weekend I was thinking of a friend. A friend that I have known for 37(ish) years ... a friend that I haven't seen in 35 or so years ... a friend that I keep in contact with at Christmas time and now (thanks to the miracle of email), maybe a time or two throughout the year. I thought of her on 2 separate occasions, with 2 totally different 'triggers' to have me thinking of her. And ... I got an email from her on Sunday!! Talk about a small miracle! To think that we happened to be thinking of each other at the same time ... a 'lifetime' of living, 2 totally separate lives and over 1700 miles separate us ... and we were thinking of each other at the same time. It truly makes one believe in "fate or else our ears are burning in synchrony" to quote my friend. It makes the world feel so much smaller when things like that happen.
I've been busy writing letters (the old fashioned way ... where you actually put pen to paper and mail them) this past short while. I write to my mom every week, but I added a few extra people to the mix ... just because I was thinking of them. The connection isn't as instantaneous as email, but the sentiment is just the same. "I'm thinking of you ... and thought I'd let you know."
In this world full of global unrest and financial uncertainty where every day, people are facing their own mountains - whether a personal crisis, being a care giver to an aging family, facing one's own health challenges or a rough patch in life ... I think it is important to find the blessings mixed in amongst the turmoil.
Letting someone know they are in your thoughts can make a difference. You just never know ... maybe that friend was thinking of you too.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Euphoria
I have woken before my alarm every day for the past several weeks. It is a blissful state - to wake up well rested and ready to face the day before being disturbed by an annoying alarm.
There is an excitement inside of me that has my heart racing, putting myself out on a limb and taking chances, facing old situations with a new perspective and I simply feel like my brain is in a high functioning state right now.
My finances have been facing one crisis after the next for the past 3 months or so.
My spending came to a screeching halt when I had my furnace/ducts professionally cleaned at the end of July. I've been trying to play catch up ever since. I had budgeted to have that expense taken care of within the month, when a family I babysit for told me (with no notice) that they were taking the last 2 weeks of August off. A family of 2 that comes here full-time. No notice equals financial ruin when you are stretching your summer budget to the max and then paying for a furnace cleaning on top of that! Well ... I cut back some more, cancelled my dance lessons for a month ... and eeked through August.
I was just relaxing the spending a little bit when my unexpected surgery came up (September 8th). Instantly out of commission, my daycare income halts when I'm not working (but did I care at the time?? NO!). Amazingly enough, a new income opportunity arose the morning I was facing surgery ... I was able to resume babysitting on a part time basis within a few weeks ... when 'payday' came for me, many of my daycare families gave me a bonus ... and I was able to not only pay my bills ... but had a little left over for spending money! The money part of my health situation more than took care of itself. It was truly a miracle in many, many ways. I am in awe as to how things worked out.
So I finally sat down with my financial future in front of me this week. Strategizing how to make the best of the months before next summer arrives and I'm back to where I was at the end of July again.
I was slightly in shock when I looked at my new reality. I babysit for 9 families. 3 of them will be on maternity leave (one in December; another in March; the third in May); 2 of my families will not need me over the summer because they have other childcare arrangements over the summer; another family has only needed me sporadically over the summer months. That leaves me with 3 families that I hope that I can count on. Frightening.
I sat with the numbers in front of me and figured if I am very frugal I can set up some back up plans, I looked at the names I have on my 'waiting list' and figured it is too soon to call anyone to fill the soon-to-be-empty daycare spots. For now, I must wait. In the daycare world, things change on a dime. You simply can't count on anything.
A day or so passed ... and I was puttering around with different ideas in my head. Mostly things that entertain and challenge me. Everything to do with writing ... some to do with dancing ... writing about dancing excites me. So I put myself out on a limb and dropped off some ideas at the dance studio. Ideas to generate some excitement about dancing that could be written about/downloaded onto a website or blog. I dropped my little package off and then panic set in. "Who do I think I am??" went through my mind more often than not! "Why do you think that they would be interested in that??" I berated myself over and over.
Then I woke up this morning. I don't need anyone's okay to write about something that fuels my passion the way dancing does! I have many little writing projects on the go ... each of them is a small part of me. Why not add dancing to the list??
The more I thought about writing, the more I thought of the family histories that I am starting to put together right now. It is more of a challenge to write someone else's history because you simply don't have that insight that comes from being a family member. How can I do this?? For the moment, I have simply been collecting stories. I've been waiting for inspiration and ambition to strike so that I can find a new slant to tell their story from. As I opened up myself to the endless possibilities out there, I have a few ideas coming to me. I need to find time to immerse myself in this project to plant a few seeds and see what grows.
I woke up with ideas and inspiration this morning. From writing projects, to the best way to handle the work that I will have to do today (from the small business I am working for), to getting my 'Friday chores' done around the house and managing the children I have in my care today. How can I do all of this and still feel energized to go to my dance lesson tonight?? How? By being excited about it!
I watched an episode of Oprah this morning and the theme of the show was "Do what you are passionate about and the money will follow."
Writing fuels a passion in me that has revived me and filled me with life. I have gotten feedback from my various writing endeavors from a wide variety of people. It makes me feel as though my passion is coming through and I'm reaching people. Writing is it for me! I shall follow this passion and see where it leads.
I have opened myself up the possibility of that maybe the lost daycare income could be filled with income from other sources. Between working for this small business and following my desire to write ... the possibilities are endless. As long as I am open to them.
There is a state of euphoria within my very being these days. It is very frightening at times. At other times I feel very fortunate to have this fire burning within me. It would be safe and easy to snuff out the fire and just let my life amble on in a tepid direction. But I think I'm ready to let the fire burn ... if I keep 'feeding' it, who knows how long this could last??
There is an excitement inside of me that has my heart racing, putting myself out on a limb and taking chances, facing old situations with a new perspective and I simply feel like my brain is in a high functioning state right now.
My finances have been facing one crisis after the next for the past 3 months or so.
My spending came to a screeching halt when I had my furnace/ducts professionally cleaned at the end of July. I've been trying to play catch up ever since. I had budgeted to have that expense taken care of within the month, when a family I babysit for told me (with no notice) that they were taking the last 2 weeks of August off. A family of 2 that comes here full-time. No notice equals financial ruin when you are stretching your summer budget to the max and then paying for a furnace cleaning on top of that! Well ... I cut back some more, cancelled my dance lessons for a month ... and eeked through August.
I was just relaxing the spending a little bit when my unexpected surgery came up (September 8th). Instantly out of commission, my daycare income halts when I'm not working (but did I care at the time?? NO!). Amazingly enough, a new income opportunity arose the morning I was facing surgery ... I was able to resume babysitting on a part time basis within a few weeks ... when 'payday' came for me, many of my daycare families gave me a bonus ... and I was able to not only pay my bills ... but had a little left over for spending money! The money part of my health situation more than took care of itself. It was truly a miracle in many, many ways. I am in awe as to how things worked out.
So I finally sat down with my financial future in front of me this week. Strategizing how to make the best of the months before next summer arrives and I'm back to where I was at the end of July again.
I was slightly in shock when I looked at my new reality. I babysit for 9 families. 3 of them will be on maternity leave (one in December; another in March; the third in May); 2 of my families will not need me over the summer because they have other childcare arrangements over the summer; another family has only needed me sporadically over the summer months. That leaves me with 3 families that I hope that I can count on. Frightening.
I sat with the numbers in front of me and figured if I am very frugal I can set up some back up plans, I looked at the names I have on my 'waiting list' and figured it is too soon to call anyone to fill the soon-to-be-empty daycare spots. For now, I must wait. In the daycare world, things change on a dime. You simply can't count on anything.
A day or so passed ... and I was puttering around with different ideas in my head. Mostly things that entertain and challenge me. Everything to do with writing ... some to do with dancing ... writing about dancing excites me. So I put myself out on a limb and dropped off some ideas at the dance studio. Ideas to generate some excitement about dancing that could be written about/downloaded onto a website or blog. I dropped my little package off and then panic set in. "Who do I think I am??" went through my mind more often than not! "Why do you think that they would be interested in that??" I berated myself over and over.
Then I woke up this morning. I don't need anyone's okay to write about something that fuels my passion the way dancing does! I have many little writing projects on the go ... each of them is a small part of me. Why not add dancing to the list??
The more I thought about writing, the more I thought of the family histories that I am starting to put together right now. It is more of a challenge to write someone else's history because you simply don't have that insight that comes from being a family member. How can I do this?? For the moment, I have simply been collecting stories. I've been waiting for inspiration and ambition to strike so that I can find a new slant to tell their story from. As I opened up myself to the endless possibilities out there, I have a few ideas coming to me. I need to find time to immerse myself in this project to plant a few seeds and see what grows.
I woke up with ideas and inspiration this morning. From writing projects, to the best way to handle the work that I will have to do today (from the small business I am working for), to getting my 'Friday chores' done around the house and managing the children I have in my care today. How can I do all of this and still feel energized to go to my dance lesson tonight?? How? By being excited about it!
I watched an episode of Oprah this morning and the theme of the show was "Do what you are passionate about and the money will follow."
Writing fuels a passion in me that has revived me and filled me with life. I have gotten feedback from my various writing endeavors from a wide variety of people. It makes me feel as though my passion is coming through and I'm reaching people. Writing is it for me! I shall follow this passion and see where it leads.
I have opened myself up the possibility of that maybe the lost daycare income could be filled with income from other sources. Between working for this small business and following my desire to write ... the possibilities are endless. As long as I am open to them.
There is a state of euphoria within my very being these days. It is very frightening at times. At other times I feel very fortunate to have this fire burning within me. It would be safe and easy to snuff out the fire and just let my life amble on in a tepid direction. But I think I'm ready to let the fire burn ... if I keep 'feeding' it, who knows how long this could last??
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