When the Going Gets Tough

What do you do when you start running into one brick wall after another?

Do you chip away at the wall and see if you can break it down? Do you find a way to climb over it? Look for a way to go around it? Or do you just turn around and go back to where you came from and think "I can't go forward. I hit a wall."

Sometimes, I think those 'walls' are put in our way to see what we are made of. If you are driven, you will find a way beyond the wall. If you are wavering, you'll turn around and go back. If you are willing to accept that there is something of value to be learned, by confronting the wall ... you will become wiser and move ahead (sometimes going forward means you have to take a few steps back, at the beginning).

Obstacles can make you or break you. They are the speed bumps of life. When things are going too fast, a few bumps in the road force you to slow down long enough to determine if this is the road you want to travel.

My daycare career was riddled with walls and potholes. Every single time that I was at a cross roads, I had to stop and pause. Which way now? Do I continue to go forward with a career where the pay cheque is unknown, the schedule is unpredictable and arduous, and the pension and dental benefits are nil? Or do I go back to the regimented and predictable world of my old job?

It seemed that every single time that I was in a state of indecision about which route to take, the moment that I firmly decided the life I wanted to live, the world moved to accommodate my choice. An alternate income source would present itself to me, and I forged ahead in my daycare career for another year.

These 'contract renewals' came up regularly. Which came first? My indecision about where I should be headed? Or the potential loss of future income? That answer isn't as clear as what came next. I know for a fact, that it was always after I made the decision within myself (to have faith and continue on my path of self employment), that new doors opened. My daycare flourished despite the ebbs and flows along the way.

I believe that the universe can sense your insecurity. It's testing you.

If you start doubting yourself, you will find all the reasons why you are right. If you believe in yourself and try to find a way past the wall, you will strengthen your conviction ... and you will prove yourself right once again.

Maybe the walls are put up for a reason. Perhaps a person needs to take a few steps back and reexamine the situation.

The obstacles we run across in life are there for a purpose. I don't believe in knocking down the walls with reckless abandon. I do believe in looking for a ladder or finding a more indirect route.

If you know what you want in life, don't be afraid to take a few detours to get there. There is something to be gained by every new road we take. The only way we lose, is if we stop trying.

One day, you will be grateful for the lessons learned as life seemingly is ground to a halt. It may not be today ... but if you look for it, it will come.

Making Room

I just deleted 468 (sent and received) emails and 4 miscellaneous email file folders full of varied information and messages.

Usually, I go through and save the most recent emails. Not this time. I deleted all of them. I have no written record of what has been going in and out of my inbox. All that's left is the memories.

It feels like all of the nooks and crannies of my life are full right now. It's time to clean house. Literally and figuratively.

I don't know where to begin ... because I'm not so sure what I'm willing to give up.

But something tells me that I should treat the clutter of my house, yard and mind like my email folders. Empty the files, keep a bare minimum and start fresh.

If I want to add 'more' to my life ... I have to make room.

An Unsuspecting Hero

I have written about many things. My family, my friends, my past, my perspective on life, my pets. I've been serious, I've tried to be light-hearted, I've 'made movies' and linked up some of my favorite songs. I've touched on many topics. But one that is near and dear to my heart has never been written about before. My car.

My car has a history. I buy my cars-that-last from my brother-in-law, who sells cars for a living. From my first request for a car (anything with 4 doors, a radio and reliable enough to take on the highway) ... to my next wish (something just a notch above that old station wagon) ... to my latest car (the best one yet) ... each of these cars has served me well.

I never had that ''oh no'' sensation that a person may get after they buy a lemon of a used car. My cars have always (and I stress the word always) been checked out and mechanically sound. I believe that my sister usually gives the car-of-choice the visual inspection to make sure it has a certain amount of eye appeal before I ever see it.

I bought my last car within a week of my Youngest Son's birth. I had a completely unpractical sporty car that was never intended to transport an infant and a youth. Of course I didn't realize this until after he was home from the hospital. In my early post-partum moments, I realized that I needed a different car.

Thank goodness I have a trusted car salesman for a brother-in-law. It's as easy as this: I pick up the phone, list off what is important to me, he fills in all the blanks, my sister gives the nod of approval, he delivers the car to my door (at least when I have a one week old baby, he did) and I sign the check (after a quick loan approval from my mom).

This car has been amazing.

I have been a stay-near-home-mom ever since the arrival of my Youngest Son and my Newest Car. So my car hasn't been through the rigors of the daily rituals of a working person. But even so ... in all the miles that I have known this car, its uncanny 'homing device' is nothing short of a miracle.

No matter what problem I ran into with this car (not that there have been a lot, but over the course of almost 12 years there are bound to be a few repairs), my car always got me home or to my trusty neighborhood garage.

One time, I was sure I was having transmission problems. I took it to my trusted mechanic ... and found out I needed a computer chip replaced for a minor cost. Another time, it sounded like the bottom was falling out of the front end of my car. And it was yet another minor repair. The car is aging ... and with age, comes the maintenance that is required from the wear and tear of an over 200,000 km car. Every time I had troubles, my car always got me to 'safety' before it became undriveable.

I don't know what kind of warranty I got with this most special car, but I like it! My trusty steed always gets me safely to my destination.

I think my car reads my mind.

This weekend, I had made plans that were way out of my comfort zone. I was to meet up with a friend (and 6 of her friends) at a comedy club down town. We were to meet there at 9:00 pm. I'm usually getting ready to fall asleep by then ... not just winding up for the evening. I had to go alone. Another thing I'm not terribly comfortable with. Parking is an issue in this area and all I could think was "I don't like the idea of walking back to my car alone, late at night". I didn't want to say 'no' to my friend ... so I agreed to go, even though it was against everything that felt right (to me).

I went to hop into my 'trusty steed' to take my Youngest Son to a movie that afternoon. And I had a flat tire. I'm not talking 'low'. I'm saying flat. Like a pancake.

I am so unaccustomed to car troubles that I was immediately paralyzed. I thought "I'm not going anywhere. I have a flat tire." (In truth, I think my car read my mind and knew I was looking for an excuse to stay home). I called my friend and told her I'd have to bail on our plans. I had a flat tire. She assured me that I would be fine to drive downtown on my spare tire. I thought "Change the tire?? ... who would have thought of that!?" I thought I had to wait until my son got home so that he could take my tire in, to get fixed.

Anyway ... My Oldest came to my rescue and changed the tire so that I could get the tire fixed myself. I simply don't trust those spare tires and I knew it would be trouble.

My car didn't disappoint. I backed out of the garage in my lop sided car, with its mini-spare tire. I went to drive forward and the grinding noise made me think the worst. I could have swore that I was driving on the rim of the tire. The noise was unforgiving. I got out and inspected the tire. It was fine. But I knew I wasn't going anywhere in a car that was making that noise.

Enter Middle Son. I quickly explained my car's symptoms (thinking all along "I knew I couldn't drive on that spare!"). He gave an exasperated sigh and told me to back out of the garage and he'd watch what was happening. I knew the trouble started when I went forward. My car obliged and made the noise it had made before. My Son shook his head and said "You've got your emergency brake on." Sure enough. His diagnosis was right.

I had become so paranoid by this point that I got My Son to escort me to the Tire Repair Store by luring him with an invitation to go out for coffee. One more scary lump of snow got my heart racing (I swear that the car didn't make such a big deal about driving over a lump of ice-packed snow when all four tires were the same size!) ... but my car made it to its destination and is now back in working order.

My car reads me like a book. I didn't want to go out Saturday night. It accomodated me. I knew that driving on that mini spare tire was a bad idea. It made just the right amount of noise to assure me I was right on that count too.

But as usual, the repair bill was minor ... and I'm ready to roll this morning.

This car and I have been through a lot together. I knew it deserved a place of honor among the many-things-I-write-about here on this blog. It is one of the family. It may be parked in the garage and neglected from time to time, but when the chips are down ... it's always there for me.

My car. My hero.

Creating Your Life

I am a firm believer of the power of making your intentions become your reality. I have a strong sense that when you act and believe that your life is going to unfold in a certain direction ... it will.

I have so many personal testimonies that all seem to stem from one central theme. I believed it. And it came true. I haven't had a fairy godmother waving her magic wand, but I've certainly seen a lot of wishes come true.

Unfortunately, my beliefs also came true when I believed that I was unworthy. Trust me. If you believe that you don't deserve something, that is exactly what you will get. I have built relationships on that belief system and they weren't healthy. It's amazing how easy it is to attract someone who will agree with the fact that you are less than you are.

More fortunate for me, is the fact that underneath the insecurities I had self esteem. I would only sink so low, before I started coming up for air. I saved myself before I drowned.

The most amazing thing of all, is the small miracles that unfold on a regular basis. Walking through life with the belief that no matter what life throws your way, you'll find a nugget of gold within the chaos. Something of value to hold onto, no matter what you encounter.

I have set goals for myself at school. I believe that I am attaining them because I think I can. My little family is growing stronger every day. I pictured this day and I'm envisioning a future that builds upon what we have. I have a 'vision' of the person that I want to be and with every step I take, I come a little closer. I have some dreams that I just can't let go of. I believe that they can and will happen. One step at a time (and I can even envision those first steps).

My Second Son is stepping towards a future that he believes will happen. He is starting up his own business. A business that he knows well. A business where he has many contacts who know his work and reputation. He is taking a step forward with the knowledge that he can make this work. He sees the big picture and focuses on it. He made the decision within himself, made an open declaration of where he was headed ... and then he did it. Every move he has made since he made the decision within himself is moving him in the direction he plans to go. I believe he will succeed ... because he believes.

My Firstborn Son is also taking steps towards the future he wants to build. He also has a vision. A dream. His foundation has been recently shaken, so his steps are a little more tentative. But he's taking them. Testing the waters, investigating, thinking and daring to dream again. I believe he will also succeed in attaining his goals. The only thing stopping him is his inner conviction. If he believes in himself and takes every step with the belief that it is a step in the direction he wants to head ... he will get to where he is going.

Acting as if you have already received what you desire is a foundation of 'The Secret'. I have lived 'a life of intent' for quite some time now. The past few years have been a testament to my belief in this way of thinking. I have looked forward. I've believed, envisioned and felt the life that I wanted to live. And I'm living it.

I read this blog: "Ten Years Ago Today" (click on the title to read it) a few days ago and it is yet another testimony to the my belief that 'you get what you believe you deserve' in life.

"If you build it ... they will come" ~ from 'A Field of Dreams'

This echos within my subconscious mind. If you believe ... it will happen. Believe in yourself. You simply can't lose by believing in your own self worth. And it only gets better from there.

Procrastinating

I'm honing the fine art of postponing the inevitable.

The book keeping must be done. Whether I do it first thing in the day to put it behind me ... or wait until after lunch so that I have the morning to do as I please ... or wait until after supper to really tax my evening's resources ... or just wait until the next day or day after that ... It is my choice as to when I work. But the hard, cold fact is: the work isn't going anywhere. Not until I actually start and finish the job. So why do I find it so hard to start?

Income tax. Yes - there are 34 more days until it must be filed. But I've had it done and sitting in its 98% complete phase for several weeks. What is so hard about finishing the job? I have a couple more people who I will do taxes for, within the next few weeks. I have a fourth person's income taxes about 95% complete. Why don't I just wrap that up quickly so that my slate is clear when I get the next few people's taxes?

House work. What is my problem?? In my daycare world, I was obsessive. The house was clean, organized, vacuumed on a daily basis and I had my 'Friday chores' that I squeezed into an already busy day. I didn't love or hate the job of keeping the house clean any more or less when I ran a full time daycare. I had less time at my disposal. But the work got done. Now? I silently groan every time I think of the task that awaits me.

Cooking. What a monumental chore that has become! In the height of my ambitious years, it was one of my 'Friday chores', to write out the lunch/snack/supper menus for the week ahead. Not only did I have the right groceries in the house ... but the energy it takes to simply decide what to cook was minimized. Lately? I want to find the easiest way out of cooking (and my family is sick of McDonald's) and it is simply survival cooking.

Yard work. Spring (or summer, fall or winter) cleaning. Window &/or floor washing. It is all the same thing. A huge inner sigh overtakes my being every time I think of a big and overwhelming job.

What is my problem??

The energy it takes to put off doing something is tremendous. The overwhelmed feeling consumes me and eats me up at times. The act of indecision takes an enormous amount of my inner resources. Looking at the big picture and not breaking the big jobs into smaller, more manageable tasks takes the fun out of life.

Nike's logo "Just do it!" is what I need to incorporate into my minute to minute life. But ... on the flip side ... I do enjoy life a lot more when I follow my own motto: "Just do it ... later".

I'm off to do my work now!

P.S. I've perfected the art of distraction so well, that it took me one and a half hours to write this disjointed little blurb about procrastinating.

Who Knew?

I don't know what my most prevalent thought is this morning.

I usually have a central theme running through my mind when I sit down in front of this screen and my fingers take care of the rest.

This morning? A kaleidoscope of thoughts ...

Private Practice. I just finished watching an episode that I taped last night. The story line, the writing and the acting move me. I love it when a piece of fiction gets under my skin and stays there. All of the 'artists' involved have done their work.

What resonated with me after I walk away? The scene of one of the central characters laying down beside 'the one she cares for' in exhaustion. That scene. Two people. A couple. Living an ordinary moment ... together.

What scenerio rewinds in my head in my own life this week? One sentence in a letter I received from my sister-in-law this week "I have a male friend, Police Officer, that would is crazy about ballroom dancing, I know you would love him ..."

I try to superimpose 'a relationship' into my life ... and I can't quite see it. What is the biggest obstacle? Me.

As I tried to visualize the idea of adding someone-who-could-be-special into my world, my fear is that I would lose myself.

It's not going to happen. I am not going to get lost again.

The other thing? A relationship? I thought I was over the idea of that. But it turns out, that I'm not.

I'm not actively seeking anyone. But if I should stumble across someone who makes my knees shake, in the course of living the life that I am leading? I would look twice ...

This Little Piece of 'Happy'

I know that I'm living the good life.

I may not wake up in the morning and leap out of bed because I'm over-the-top-excited about my day to day life. But I don't dread it either.

I've made choices that determine what my day has in store. I'm content with where I'm headed, even though the road is fraught with curves and detours. I'm not focused on the destination (though I have a general idea where I'm heading) ... I'm enjoying the voyage.

In the past, I have woken up with dread. I know the difference. I don't have that heart-in-the-chest sensation because my day is full of stress. I don't want to stay in bed because I can't bear the thought of what lies in store.

I awake and know that the day ahead of me is one that I'm grateful to be living. It's not all fun and games. My life is a balance of work and play; family and friends; busy-ness and time to tend to myself ...

I carry a little piece of happiness within me, where ever I go. And it feels good!