The week is starting out right. I just got called in to work a full shift at an elementary school today.
Though working at a different school every time that I get called in creates its own set of stresses, I know that this is part of the learning curve. I am learning so much more than just 'the job'.
I have the opportunity to work in many different scenarios, with different staff and different dynamics at play. I choose to see this as 'shopping' for the (eventual) full-time position of my choosing.
I am taking tentative steps towards my future. A destination that I was convinced was 'the one' a few short weeks ago. One idle week at home (waiting for the phone to ring), placed all sorts of doubt in my mind.
I was 'tested' many, many times throughout my daycare career. Families would come and go. I would look ahead and question my ability to pay the bills. I had choices. I always chose to forge ahead with my decision to work from home. Each and every time that I firmly decided within myself to persevere, I was rewarded. Opportunities arose that allowed me to not only keep doing what I chose to do ... but allowed me the luxury of paying the bills.
Yesterday, I made the firm decision within myself to keep going in the direction that I knew was what I believed to be in my best interests. Now and in the future.
I shook off the pressure of deciding an alternate route. I don't have the energy, stamina nor self-esteem to choose an alternate direction right now. Especially because I already thought I was on the right path.
I still believe that I am on the correct highway. I have the opportunity to check out the side roads before I commit to following them to the end.
I am going to enjoy and make the most of this journey.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Honestly Now ...
Well? Life isn't always a bed of roses. Even when I do my best to consciously act, speak and think positively ... sometimes it just isn't enough.
I've been glossing over a lot of the drama in my life the past few months. When I started this blog, it was my intent to focus on the positive. I have done my best to place my energy writing about the positive, in a negative situation lately.
Thus ... to anyone who knows what is going on in my life, it has been hard to crack the code of all that has been written in between the lines recently. I received an email from My Sister yesterday.
Subject: How are you??????
"I have been reading your blog and can't tell how you are?????"
I decided to cut out the fluff and just be honest with her. This (in part) was my reply:
"I'm a little bit crappy ... but mostly okay! Honestly.
I'm in a holding pattern right now and unsure what direction to take. But I hate to walk away from what I feel could be the perfect job for me at the school. I just haven't convinced them of that yet. And I don't know how much more energy they can zap from me before I call it quits.
Do I wake up every morning and hope that they don't call me in to work? You bet. Does this pay the bills? Not so much. Due to the change of my employment status from 'full time' to 'substitute', my pay date has been changed. So ... not only do I have to contend with 3/4 of a month's wages in October ... but the fact that it has to cover 2 months of bills. And the fact that I have no idea if I will be working more than a day or two per week as time goes on. And the funny part? That is the least of my worries!!
So ya. Kinda a lot of crap going on. I really want to jump into a cave and hibernate until spring. Thankfully (I guess) ... I can't. Honestly ... I know (in the end) that it is all going to work out for the best. People are exhausting me right now ... but (I suppose) I need them, to keep from withdrawing from the world.
I haven't cornered the market on work-dramas. The unfortunate part? I am hearing (far too often) "Welcome to my world" or "That is just the way it is these days" or "Get used to it".
I don't want to get used to it. The more I stick my neck out into this brave, new world ... the less I want to go out.
I'm just venting. I'm sure that I will look back at these words (perhaps, not for a very long time though!) and laugh. In fact, I'm almost laughing right now. How much worse can it get?? Please don't answer that.
But really!! I am okay! I know this will pass. I just don't feel like faking it right now. So these words might not be fluffy and full of hope and dreams ... they are just honest. And honestly. I am fine.
The fact of the matter is that no one can 'save me'. I have to do this on my own. And I'm okay with that. Really. And do you know why? Because I know that I am not alone. I know that I have enough caring and supportive people around me to help me pick myself up when I am down and that will carry me through.
I'll get through this. A day at a time. "
And I will.
Now ... back to my regularly scheduled agenda of Focusing on the Positive in Life!
I've been glossing over a lot of the drama in my life the past few months. When I started this blog, it was my intent to focus on the positive. I have done my best to place my energy writing about the positive, in a negative situation lately.
Thus ... to anyone who knows what is going on in my life, it has been hard to crack the code of all that has been written in between the lines recently. I received an email from My Sister yesterday.
Subject: How are you??????
"I have been reading your blog and can't tell how you are?????"
I decided to cut out the fluff and just be honest with her. This (in part) was my reply:
"I'm a little bit crappy ... but mostly okay! Honestly.
I'm in a holding pattern right now and unsure what direction to take. But I hate to walk away from what I feel could be the perfect job for me at the school. I just haven't convinced them of that yet. And I don't know how much more energy they can zap from me before I call it quits.
Do I wake up every morning and hope that they don't call me in to work? You bet. Does this pay the bills? Not so much. Due to the change of my employment status from 'full time' to 'substitute', my pay date has been changed. So ... not only do I have to contend with 3/4 of a month's wages in October ... but the fact that it has to cover 2 months of bills. And the fact that I have no idea if I will be working more than a day or two per week as time goes on. And the funny part? That is the least of my worries!!
So ya. Kinda a lot of crap going on. I really want to jump into a cave and hibernate until spring. Thankfully (I guess) ... I can't. Honestly ... I know (in the end) that it is all going to work out for the best. People are exhausting me right now ... but (I suppose) I need them, to keep from withdrawing from the world.
I haven't cornered the market on work-dramas. The unfortunate part? I am hearing (far too often) "Welcome to my world" or "That is just the way it is these days" or "Get used to it".
I don't want to get used to it. The more I stick my neck out into this brave, new world ... the less I want to go out.
I'm just venting. I'm sure that I will look back at these words (perhaps, not for a very long time though!) and laugh. In fact, I'm almost laughing right now. How much worse can it get?? Please don't answer that.
But really!! I am okay! I know this will pass. I just don't feel like faking it right now. So these words might not be fluffy and full of hope and dreams ... they are just honest. And honestly. I am fine.
The fact of the matter is that no one can 'save me'. I have to do this on my own. And I'm okay with that. Really. And do you know why? Because I know that I am not alone. I know that I have enough caring and supportive people around me to help me pick myself up when I am down and that will carry me through.
I'll get through this. A day at a time. "
And I will.
Now ... back to my regularly scheduled agenda of Focusing on the Positive in Life!
Smile! It's Saturday!!
I woke up to this email this morning. It made me laugh. I haven't started my day with a laugh in a very long time. So ... I have copied it in full and full credit goes to MountainWings.com:
Have a Happy Saturday (and if it happens to be your birthday today, add an extra dose of cheer to your day)!!
The Cat
Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church.
He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down.
The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.
He did all this, checking his progress in the car frequently, then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten.
But as he moved a little further forward, the rope broke.
The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight.
The pastor felt terrible.
He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on about his business.
A few days later he was at the grocery store and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"
She replied, "You won't believe this," and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it?"
(Can you see where this is heading?)
She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes.
A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her."
Never underestimate the Power of God and what may appear to be breaking on one end, is answering prayer on another.
Thank you for inviting MountainWings in your mailbox.
See you tomorrow.
Forward this issue to a friend or click the link below to Print,
Share by Email, Facebook, Blog or other services:
http://www.mountainwings.com/past/2303.htm
****************************************************************
http://www.mountainwings.com/ "Wings Over The Mountains of Life"
To: Subscribe, Un-Subscribe, Get a Book, T-Shirt, Rate Issues,
Tell Friends about MountainWings, Read Past Issues, Donations,
Submit a MountainWings Moment or Prayer Request, Set homepage to
Daily issue in larger type Go To: http://www.mountainwings.com/
Have a Happy Saturday (and if it happens to be your birthday today, add an extra dose of cheer to your day)!!
The Cat
Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church.
He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down.
The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.
He did all this, checking his progress in the car frequently, then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten.
But as he moved a little further forward, the rope broke.
The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight.
The pastor felt terrible.
He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on about his business.
A few days later he was at the grocery store and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"
She replied, "You won't believe this," and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it?"
(Can you see where this is heading?)
She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes.
A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her."
Never underestimate the Power of God and what may appear to be breaking on one end, is answering prayer on another.
Thank you for inviting MountainWings in your mailbox.
See you tomorrow.
Forward this issue to a friend or click the link below to Print,
Share by Email, Facebook, Blog or other services:
http://www.mountainwings.com/past/2303.htm
****************************************************************
http://www.mountainwings.com/ "Wings Over The Mountains of Life"
To: Subscribe, Un-Subscribe, Get a Book, T-Shirt, Rate Issues,
Tell Friends about MountainWings, Read Past Issues, Donations,
Submit a MountainWings Moment or Prayer Request, Set homepage to
Daily issue in larger type Go To: http://www.mountainwings.com/
Friday, October 28, 2011
When the Going Gets Tough ... The Tough Go Dancing!
Everything I watch, see, hear or read lately seems to be a pumped up, amplified version of what I have going on in my life and inside of my head.
I see bits and pieces of myself in all the wacky situations and characters portrayed on TV. I feel like a patchwork quilt of emotions. My life feels like it is in a state of flux that has spiralled out of my control.
I look back at who I used to be and wonder if I was daft. I used to think that if I was positive and optimistic about life ... I would draw positive people and life experiences into my world. That theory has been blown out of the water lately.
I could quite honestly bury myself under that patchwork quilt (see above) and eat cookies all day.
I was snuggled up under a cozy blanket last night, reading a book, with Our Cat snuggled up beside me and My Youngest busy at the computer three steps away. Everything I could ever want and need was within reach.
I wrestled with the idea of going to a group dance class. I have not been getting a great deal of enjoyment out of many things lately. This was only one of many things that I could easily cross off of my to-do list.
It would have been sooooo easy to just stay where I was. It is where I wanted to be. But I knew that I needed to push myself out of what is easy and just go.
It was easier than I thought it would be, to propel myself out the door.
I just about changed my mind at the end of the driveway when my Middle Son came home with his work truck and it would have been more convenient for him to park in the driveway behind the garage. But he squeezed into the extra parking spot on the side and waved me on to my lesson.
I left home with only moments to spare. Then I hit every red light along the way. I thought "if I'm late ... I just won't go". But I arrived in time.
The parking lot was full. I thought "if I can't find a space, I will be late ... and I will just go home". But I found a space and slid into the dance studio just under the wire.
The room was full. There was an almost perfect male to female ratio (our dance instructors filled in as required) and I actually got to dance with a male ... as a follower (trust me! I am in no position to 'lead' anyone, anywhere lately) ... all night. We had some beginners in the class so the instructor geared the class towards the beginners with added information and instruction for all other levels of dance.
It was relaxed. It was fun. The lesson was as easy or as hard as I needed it to be.
I needed to push myself out of the house last night. I needed to move. To be among people.
I am grateful that I had a safe place to go. The dance studio is my 'Cheers'. A place where (almost) everybody knows my name.
I took a risk and stepped out of my comfort zone last night. It was a good night. It was just what I needed (even though I didn't know it at the time).
The dance studio has long been my Happy Place. When 'life' starts following me into the studio and dragging me down, I usually walk away from dancing. Maybe this time ... that is not the answer.
I see bits and pieces of myself in all the wacky situations and characters portrayed on TV. I feel like a patchwork quilt of emotions. My life feels like it is in a state of flux that has spiralled out of my control.
I look back at who I used to be and wonder if I was daft. I used to think that if I was positive and optimistic about life ... I would draw positive people and life experiences into my world. That theory has been blown out of the water lately.
I could quite honestly bury myself under that patchwork quilt (see above) and eat cookies all day.
I was snuggled up under a cozy blanket last night, reading a book, with Our Cat snuggled up beside me and My Youngest busy at the computer three steps away. Everything I could ever want and need was within reach.
I wrestled with the idea of going to a group dance class. I have not been getting a great deal of enjoyment out of many things lately. This was only one of many things that I could easily cross off of my to-do list.
It would have been sooooo easy to just stay where I was. It is where I wanted to be. But I knew that I needed to push myself out of what is easy and just go.
It was easier than I thought it would be, to propel myself out the door.
I just about changed my mind at the end of the driveway when my Middle Son came home with his work truck and it would have been more convenient for him to park in the driveway behind the garage. But he squeezed into the extra parking spot on the side and waved me on to my lesson.
I left home with only moments to spare. Then I hit every red light along the way. I thought "if I'm late ... I just won't go". But I arrived in time.
The parking lot was full. I thought "if I can't find a space, I will be late ... and I will just go home". But I found a space and slid into the dance studio just under the wire.
The room was full. There was an almost perfect male to female ratio (our dance instructors filled in as required) and I actually got to dance with a male ... as a follower (trust me! I am in no position to 'lead' anyone, anywhere lately) ... all night. We had some beginners in the class so the instructor geared the class towards the beginners with added information and instruction for all other levels of dance.
It was relaxed. It was fun. The lesson was as easy or as hard as I needed it to be.
I needed to push myself out of the house last night. I needed to move. To be among people.
I am grateful that I had a safe place to go. The dance studio is my 'Cheers'. A place where (almost) everybody knows my name.
I took a risk and stepped out of my comfort zone last night. It was a good night. It was just what I needed (even though I didn't know it at the time).
The dance studio has long been my Happy Place. When 'life' starts following me into the studio and dragging me down, I usually walk away from dancing. Maybe this time ... that is not the answer.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
I Am Okay
I have everything I need. I may not have everything I want ... but that is okay.
The earth keeps turning, one day continues to turn into the next. Each day may bring its own set of surprises and challenges. But as long as I keep waking up in the the morning ... that is okay.
I'm on a different path than I expected to be. I am unsure of where I am going. But as long as I keep putting one tentative foot in front of the other ... I will be okay.
I truly want to cocoon myself into a quiet state of solitude until I figure out where I am at, where I am headed and if that is truly where I want to go. Answers always come to me when my life becomes quiet.
I know that family and friends are within reach. I'm not reaching out ... because I am really okay.
The best things in my life have come to me because life did not go according to plan.
I am not enjoying this metamorphosis phase ... but really I am okay. Because I know without a doubt that I am exactly where I am meant to be.
I will be okay.
The earth keeps turning, one day continues to turn into the next. Each day may bring its own set of surprises and challenges. But as long as I keep waking up in the the morning ... that is okay.
I'm on a different path than I expected to be. I am unsure of where I am going. But as long as I keep putting one tentative foot in front of the other ... I will be okay.
I truly want to cocoon myself into a quiet state of solitude until I figure out where I am at, where I am headed and if that is truly where I want to go. Answers always come to me when my life becomes quiet.
I know that family and friends are within reach. I'm not reaching out ... because I am really okay.
The best things in my life have come to me because life did not go according to plan.
I am not enjoying this metamorphosis phase ... but really I am okay. Because I know without a doubt that I am exactly where I am meant to be.
I will be okay.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Here I Go Again
Day #1. Again.
So far, being on the substitute secretary list has not been too lucrative. It hasn't been stressful. But sitting at home waiting for the phone to ring brings its own special kind of tension into the day.
Yesterday the phone rang. Twice.
First call? Can I work from 12:45 - 4:00 on Thursday? Three and a quarter hours. Yes, I can. But three hours? At least if it is stressful, the day will go quickly.
Second call? The automated phoning system called at 9:20 p.m. ... I will be working a full day today.
Two different schools. Two first days. Two opportunities.
Two chances to make a good first impression.
Here I go. Again.
So far, being on the substitute secretary list has not been too lucrative. It hasn't been stressful. But sitting at home waiting for the phone to ring brings its own special kind of tension into the day.
Yesterday the phone rang. Twice.
First call? Can I work from 12:45 - 4:00 on Thursday? Three and a quarter hours. Yes, I can. But three hours? At least if it is stressful, the day will go quickly.
Second call? The automated phoning system called at 9:20 p.m. ... I will be working a full day today.
Two different schools. Two first days. Two opportunities.
Two chances to make a good first impression.
Here I go. Again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)