The logical side of my brain has been dominant this past while. When I am able to react to life logically I can keep the emotions at bay and keep myself in control.
People that I know well have been dealt some crushing blows. Though I feel deeply for them and do my best to put myself in their shoes, I have kept an emotional distance. I have donned my tough guy suit of armor and shielded myself (and people close to me) from any outward display of the way I feel inside.
I empathize. I listen. I offer my support in whatever way that I know how to do. I do my best to just 'be there' in some quiet, unassuming way so that the other party knows all they have to do is to reach out. I do my best not to let them down.
I know what I need when I am at a breaking point. I need to feel a quiet strength and empathy from those around me. I don't need answers. I don't need to support my supporting person. I don't need the rest of my life to fall apart when I am dealing with a crisis ...
I started thinking about my long term relationships-that-didn't-last and remembered that almost each time the relationship ended (I'm a three strikes, you're out kind-of-girl and each of these relationships involved three break ups before the official end-all break up), it was at a time of crisis.
I haven't over thought this realization but I am starting to wonder if this was part of the cycle. There were many different cycles that were co-existing at the same time within these relationships. This is simply one that I haven't given a lot of thought.
I didn't have the strength to hold someone else up when I was barely keeping it together myself. This must be why I have been wearing my tough-guy suit of armor around those that have been dealt some tough blows. All I know how to do for others in a time of crisis is to be strong.
I will attend my aunt's funeral today. I have been having moments when my walls start to crumble and I can feel my emotions come to the surface. Subconsciously, I have been reinforcing those walls that are insulating me from what I am feeling. I am so afraid of those walls crumbling around me.
It is okay to feel now. But I feel much safer within my suit of armor and behind these walls of mine ... I think that I need to feel strong. This is how I roll ...