I heard Mom's voice yesterday (in my head) quoting her mom's advice to me (which I am most likely misquoting now) "Don't give away your guts..."
Mom doesn't use words like that. She has only cited that quote to me (as far as I remember) once.
Mom doesn't hand out praise on a platter. I remember being very young when I tried to figure out if Mom was proud of me. Or even liked me...
I weighed all that I knew about Mom (at that time). I eventually deduced that even though she didn't openly communicate her feelings, I was pretty sure that she thought I was okay (though she never openly declared it). I am not playing the victim here. That was just the way it was. There are many ways of speaking that don't include words, hugs and lavishing praise and affection upon another person. These ways often speak far louder than words. Mom is a master at speaking without words.
Mom doesn't talk to me about what I write. There have been silences that I have taken as criticism. There have been times-of-great-worry when I know that I have given her too much information. Then there was the time when I gave the world too much information. That is when she quoted her mom's words to me (so that I could figure it out on my own).
Yesterday afternoon, my fingers sat down and wrote a tale of honesty. I opened up my consciousness and confessed all of my sins (the ones that I could remember, anyway). I didn't publish that post. I thought I would come back to it later, cull through it and see if there was anything of substance left over. I walked away from those words and heard Mom say "Don't give away your guts..."
I am running short on time this morning so I thought I'd pull up that post (that I assumed was saved when I exited the program ... it has always saved my drafts in the past). And it was gone. My first thought was "I hope it did not get posted on my Daycare Blog!" (that was where I started to post it initially, but I did catch myself and moved it over to my safe spot here). I checked a few places and my words vanished into thin air (perhaps where they were meant to stay, to start with).
Sometimes ... do you get the feeling that someone is watching over you and putting roadblocks in your way on purpose?
I don't know how Mom does it. She definitely has superpowers. But this? Pretty incredible.
Thanks, Mom. I knew those words were meant to be silenced. Honestly, I was going to do it myself. I think.
There is a lesson here somewhere. It is either "Save your work!" or "Be careful what you put out for the world to see". This time? I think it is the latter.