Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Reeling in Emotion

My heart is so heavy this morning, I can hardly function.

I have emotion sitting inside of me that is coming from (seemingly) no where. I feel anxious, my heart "hurts", I do not want this day to unfold. And there is no reason for it.

My "Living Brave" course is directing me to be curious about my emotion. So, this is me being curious:

What is the matter with you?
I have no idea. I don't want to function today.

Why? What are you feeling?
I feel exhausted. I feel overwhelmed. I feel scared.

Why are you exhausted?
I can't get enough quiet and sleep lately. I choose sleep over getting up early and then I miss the quiet time I didn't give myself in the morning and walk into the day feeling unprepared, unrested and inadequate.

Why are you overwhelmed?
Because I walk into my day feeling inadequate, it seems I never catch up to a moment where I feel like I'm "ready to go". The day walks in the door and takes over. I try and want to be "in the present moment" but if the kid's needs don't distract me from that savoring the moment I'm in, I do it to myself. I am sabotaging even the smallest goals I set for myself. Then I start spiralling. I'm not enough. I am not doing a good enough job. This is hard...

Why are you scared?
Because "this" is the life I have chosen. "This" is what I am successful doing. "This" is what I have always wanted. "This" is it for me. I can't see out of the moment I'm in and I feel anxious and scared and overwhelmed when I think of doing anything else. But I'm suffocating here.

What can you do to push through this and get to the other side? What is within your control?
In reality, nothing is within my control. I think that is what is paralysing me. I tried to control my own destiny by looking outside of my home for a source of income. I failed miserably. I wasn't happy, nor did I earn enough to pay the bills. I know I am exactly where I need to be right now. But I can make a plan. I need to make a plan. I will sit down with my "dream notepad" and sketch out a vision of where I want to be five years from now.

Will that help you today?
I don't know. I started the day with this very thought yesterday and once the kids walk in the door, my dreams fizzle and die. It is a minute to minute existence I live with, once my one to three year old friends walk in the door.

Can you do more than you did yesterday?
I don't know. I never know. I think I can do these things. But I can't. I swim in circles all day. I'm not going anywhere and I'm tired of swimming.

What else is going on inside of your head and your thoughts?
I called Mom to wish her a "Happy Birthday" last night and I even failed at that.

Failed? How can you fail at a conversation?
I didn't rehearse my words in my head. I didn't really feel like talking. I just wanted to do the right thing and I think Mom "heard" my resistance to speaking (but in reality, I believe she was feeling just as "resistant" as I was to having a conversation). I was disappointed that I went out of my way to ensure she received my letter/card on her birthday and she didn't trust the envelope (I sent it in an "Express Mail" envelope), so she didn't open it. Our conversations always go better when she is the one who has initiated the call. I know that. I think I even understand that. Her hearing is compromised so conversations are hard. She needs to be the one who does most of the talking. And you have to be in the right mood to carry a conversation. Thus, our conversations always go better when she is the one dialling the phone.

What else is going on?
I'm feeling "guilt". I know Mom is not particularly fond of birthdays. "Mother's Day" is her thing. Last year was a hard year for her because that was the age when her dad and two of her sisters died. I don't really know what she may be thinking/feeling to surpass that age. I really have no idea. I just feel like she may not have been in a celebratory mood on her birthday this year. I feel badly for not acknowledging that yesterday, even though it was in the back of my thoughts.

Do you expect yourself to be a mind reader, in your quest to be perfect at whatever you set out to do?
I guess so.

Do you think you may expect too much of yourself?

Where can you give yourself a bit of a break?
This is why I sleep, I pick up take-out food or cook something that is frozen, prepared for me and straight out of a box. This is how I nurture myself when I'm overwhelmed. But I can't get enough sleep. I'm back to where I was at the beginning of this question period.

Can you stop thinking? Can you write down what is tangible and somewhat within your control? Can you try to realign your thinking to what is right and positive and good in your world?
Yes. Yes I can. And I will.

I will do that right now, in between tending the little people in my midst. I can and I will. Right now.

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