A week ago, I got sidetracked by my reality and decided I couldn't live the life I am presently living until I die. So I got derailed trying to dream up ways to get from living to dying as contentedly as humanly possible.
I thought a "five year plan" would be a good idea, because I read that when you stop planning, you stop living. I have stopped living life the way it should be lived, so I took that comment personally. When I react emotionally to a problem, it rarely turns out good.
I played around with frivolous ideas and plans. I tried to get serious and devise a financial route from "here" to "there". I tried to focus on where I want to go, while taking care of four children, ages one to three years old. That is not a winning combination. Granted, I have had a very challenging time with "said children" lately and that was the root of my discontent.
We are coming out of a winter of too much indoor confinement, too many repetitive kinds of days which have led to repetitive behaviours which have been spiralling in a negative direction. We need variety, sunshine, new scenery and a renewed "me" to break out of this spell.
I pulled out my "vision board" for my daycare and I have some ideas. Ideas bring light into my thoughts and that is always a good thing. I showed the kids the pictures of the "ideas" I have and they were quite excited about this hopeful new turn. I did warn them though, "It's a little bit like asking Santa Claus for a gift. You may want lots and lots and lots of things, but he can only bring you one or two. So I have to choose. Maybe we can only get one or two of these things. But this is what I'm hoping for ..."
So our "yesterday" was a good one. The day prior, I had unleashed my words to my friend who is a daycare provider. She brought me back down to earth and reminded me to be realistic with my expectations of myself. I spoke with my parents about some of the behaviours which have been spiralling in a downward direction and we had some good conversations. These conversations are not hard to have because I usually lead with "what's happening, what I have done and what I will do to try to make things better". Then yesterday, I did my best to just be the best "me" I could be and move forward.
The day still had the potential to go terribly awry but I didn't lose myself in "two year old" drama. I just did my best and let that be good enough.
I closed the door at the end of my week and felt okay again. I sort of felt like Rocky at the top of the steps:
My victory lap included making a "real" meat and potatoes for supper and filling the house with the aroma of someone who cares once again.
It was a long week. But I survived and maybe I will even thrive now that I'm on the other end of a renewed sense of hope, goals and my eye on the immediate future I hope to create within this little life I lead. "I'm gonna fly now..."
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