Moving On

I've been losing a little bit of ground with the way I've been dealing with my life. It has a lot to do with not keeping myself busy and motivated. I have allowed a small amount of doubt and loneliness into my days this past little while.

I recognize it, I know that it is within my power to change it. But I have allowed myself to feel these human qualities before I charge into the next phase that I must live and grow through. This past weekend, I simply felt vulnerable.

Several cups of coffee and a conversation with a 'friend from the past' opened up doors that I chose not to walk through yesterday. They were just words. But words that had the potential to open up freshly healed wounds and put old feelings back on the table.

As we ventured down this old, familiar path I wasn't swept into the vortex of old emotions. My feet are very firmly placed in today and I know that this is where I need to be.

We touched on the whys and hows of the breakdown of the relationship. We were walking down a road that I didn't want to follow. A person can talk in circles and go no where, when trying to analyse the reasons that started the process of the tumbling of that delicate house of cards, that is a relationship. There are always two sides to the story. It can be the smallest of incidents that set the wheels in motion. Or it can be a very subtle feeling that festers and grows.

I was craving human contact yesterday. If there wasn't a living, breathing person with feelings that could be hurt on the other side ... it would have been tempting to just fall into a familiar and comfortable set of arms.

I had just put a voice to my feelings the day before:

"For the first time in a very long while, I'm a little bit lonely. I'm missing 'being part of a couple'. I've been content in my single status for almost 2 years. But I don't want this to last forever ... and I'm afraid that it could."

It was shortly after I wrote those words that I consciously thought that I wouldn't even want to meet someone right now. I wouldn't want for someone to fall for the me that I am, when I feel like this.

This is the place that I have been in, when I've rekindled old romances in the past. You can't form a healthy relationship when you are not feeling your best self. I can see now, that those relationships were doomed from the moment they began.

I turned down a well intended invitation by this person yesterday. I quite literally told him that I was not going to say yes, just because he is a living, breathing soul.

I said 'no' to repeating the mistakes of my past. I believe that this is the turning point that I have been waiting for.

A little bit lonely is okay. It's better than a whole lot miserable.

Quote from 'The Secret':

"When you don't feel good about You, you are on a frequency that is attracting more people, situations, and circumstances that will continue to make you feel bad about You."