Time ...

I've worked myself into hyper drive mode today. I have a busier kid-load; book keeping work to do as soon as I'm given the go ahead; and places to be at 6, 7 and 8 o'clock tonight.

I've made exercise a priority now that we have a new 'Wii Fit'. I don't want to disappoint my Wii trainer. One day there was a problem with the calendar on it and he thought I skipped a day. I was so disheartened, because I hadn't missed the day. Now I feel obligated to show up religiously, to show my dedication to this newly formed habit (this morning, I officially logged 10 hours of exercise after 12 days of working out). I haven't been so encouraged to exercise for a very, very long time.

I've created a busyness in my life that I am not entirely sure is all good. I need to have goals and a purpose to my days. But I have riddled myself with routines and schedules that I feel driven to keep.

When Dale spent the entirety of the day here last week, it through me for a loop. I got done what I had to do in the day ... but it was pretty late in the day before I could turn myself 'off'.

The 'off' signal is important to me. I have my rituals that signal the close of my daycare day. A tidy and vacuumed house, doors locked and the blinds closed means that I am closed for business. I breathe a heavy sigh of relief as I put my day behind me.

The book keeping work has a similar signal to me in my brain. The 'done' pile is completely organized, labeled and put together so that it can be swept away at the end of the work.

The book projects that I am working on are sitting in their pending pile. When I have the time to dedicate to them, they get moved to the middle of the kitchen table to signal 'work'. Back to the pending spot when I don't have the time.

I have spots in my kitchen for work in progress; pending work; and things that are ready to walk out of the door with me the next time I leave the house. These little piles are a constant reminder of the state of organization or disorganization in my mind. I love when my kitchen is clear of these physical reminders of what I must get done.

My wind down routines at the end of the day take place no matter what the time or circumstances. 'Getting my head ready for bed' is a figurative routine as well as a physical one. Physically, I wash my face, take out my contact lenses and brush my teeth. Mentally, I have washed the day down the drain and have my eyes in a state where I can close them and keep them closed. Once my head is ready for bed, my thoughts slow down and I am ready to relax.

I like to have a process in place that keeps me driven and motivated. I don't enjoy the sensation of feeling obsessed. That means that something is out of balance.

I guess the down periods I have are there for a purpose. When I don't take the time to keep the days in balance ... I will have days/weeks where I quite literally do the bare minimum.

What I don't like, is the fact that my life is possibly too full. I like to hope that some day, I may meet a 'special someone' and add a serious relationship into my life. Racing through my days, becoming obsessed with my routines and rituals, needing a certain amount of time to myself, adding more work/people/obligations to my life ... leaves very little time left over.

What am I willing to give up? Right now ... I want it all. The book projects are above and beyond the regular commitments in my life. But they are a passion I simply need to see through. I need to finish what I've started. I know this.

When I look at all of the demands on my time, I know for a fact the one thing that I would gladly give up, if finances weren't an issue. It would be the 10 hours of each week day that I am obligated to my daycare family. It is my job of tending children and all the fluctuations of work and income that stems from that job that is truly draining my resources. If I could wave a magic wand ... all of that would disappear. And then I'd have the energy to pursue new horizons!

Time ... there is never enough of it when you are busy. The alternative ... having too much time on your hands, is not good either. As with everything in life ... it is all about balance.