Mental Blocks

I have opened myself up to a lot these past three years. I've become an active participant in my life.

My family unit is stronger than it ever has been. The ties to my sisters, brother and my mom is more distant but we are close in every way that matters. The extension of adding aunts, uncles and cousins into my friends/family unit has given my life a foundation that feels unshakable.

I've invited people and opportunities into my life. I've done things that I've never done before. The future excites me. I have a vivid picture in my mind of where I see my life going. I believe it will come true. I don't know how ... I don't know when ... but I have a strong conviction that the future is full of untold possibilities.

I've cracked open the door and dared to walk through.

But ...

A comment that I made last night is haunting me this morning. Possibly because my Second Son recently brought to my attention that I am blocking out any opportunity to find that 'someone special'.

Last night, my words came out before I stopped to think of how they would sound. A friend of mine recently told me about a single male-friend of hers. She's known him for years, he loves ballroom dancing and she said that every time that she sees him she thinks that I should meet him.

What was my initial knee-jerk reaction? How would I ever 'fit' a man into my life? How could I ever incorporate a relationship into what I have built ... and not lose the life that I have created these past three years?

My second reaction? Why is he single if he's as wonderful as he sounds?

I said that out loud last night. When I got home, the echo of that statement rolled around and around in my head. The same question could be asked of me. If I'm anything special, why am I single?

Good question.

I went back to the ramblings of my mind which I journalled three years ago:

June 3, 2007

... My ExHusband's 'invasion' into our lives over Christmas was frightening. After 19 years, for this intent focus to hurt our family was eerie. I was so afraid that he was at a point of no return and he was going to intrude into my world and take it all away ...

... I thought I could give the (dance) routine my best shot. But my fight, my ambition, my drive and the fun in dancing was gone. I gave it what I had ... but by this time, I was running on near-empty so I didn't give it much. I quit. I quit it all ...

... The fun in life was gone ... I felt like the only reason I had survived the winter was because I had one 'crisis' after another to cope with so it kept me from dwelling on this depression that was seeping into my world ...

... I am weary, overwhelmed, sad, easily annoyed and very 'prickly' to be around. I used to pride myself on my ability to find the positive in a negative situation and for this past (very) long while, everything seems to have a negative spin to it ...

... Future. When I stop dreaming of my future, part of me dies ...

... When our relationship is rock solid, I feel like a rock. When I am on my own I am a rock. But knowing that we were on shaky ground made everything in my world feel like too much ...

"When I am on my own, I am a rock."

There you have it. I believe that is at the crux of the matter. Am I willing to risk everything I have built to test the strength of the person I have become?

I am at the very beginning stages of believing that maybe ... I am.