Raising Brother

I have been pretty much on my own, as far as raising my children goes. But, in spacing my children an average of 10 years apart, we have come to an interesting phase in our lives as my three sons are now 12, 22 and (nearing) 32. I am now getting parenting advise from my two adult sons.

I think if the spacing of my boys had them ages 12, 14 and 16 right now, there would be a lot of 'teaching' going on (i.e. relentless torture?) as my oldest two tried to toughen up their younger brother.

"He should learn to stand up for himself"; "He should learn to be more outgoing"; "He should learn to speak for himself". Yup. I'm pretty sure that if his brothers were closer in age, they would be using their own tactics to teach their baby brother these life skills.

I tend to defend my parenting choices, but the reality is that I do digest what each of my Older Sons is telling me.

In my defense, I've done my best. My best wasn't always good enough, but I kept (keep) trying.

I was very strict with my oldest. I was determined not to fall into some of the parenting mistakes that I had witnessed. He was going to be accountable for his actions. We learned some very hard lessons together. I (being the adult) had different coping mechanisms. I talked. I confessed my 'sins of parenting' to my friends and family. They forgave me. My son? He kept it all inside. We've talked about it now. I think he's forgiven me. But the 20 years that he held onto the hurt and anger? That doesn't just vanish.

"Oldest Child Syndrome" - Oldest children are also known for being perfectionists. Because oldest children are held up to such high standards by their parents, they can often feel as though they are expected to be perfect at all times. Of course, this is an unreasonable expectation for any child and could lead to bigger problems later on in life.

Nine years later, My Oldest became a Big Brother. Add three years to that, and you have a 12 year old boy as well as a 3 year old. These are trying ages. The preteens were not fun years for My Oldest and I. I can still vividly remember the challenges of taking my (then) three year old child in public. He defined the phrase 'Temper Tantrums'. I think he read up on it and perfected the art.

So ... I learned to pick my battles. I didn't have the energy to fight over the small stuff. So I let some things slide. Trying to keep a rein on both of my children at the time was a challenge. I had visions of my little family becoming another statistic of "Single Parenthood'' facts and figures. Those years did not define the Best Years of Parenting for me.

"Middle Child Syndrome" - Parents tend to be much more easy-going, less anxious, and less demanding with second and third children. Thus many middle children grow up with a more relaxed attitude towards life ... The middle child usually has to fight harder for the attention of their parents and therefore crave the family spotlight ..."

Eleven years after that ... The Youngest Brother was born.

Our family dynamics were a little bit of a mess at that time. There has been a lot of healing going on during the 12 years of My Youngest's life. I believe that he has truly benefited from the growth of our family during his lifetime. For the most part, the memories he has of his Big Brothers are of them being adults. I feel that his Older Brothers are his role models. His Brothers are good men. He will grow up to be a good man. His Brothers treat me with respect. He treats me with respect. I have a lot of faith that no matter what the teen years throw our way, we will be okay because we have a good, solid foundation.

"The Baby of the Family" - Basks in the sentimentality of being the last child, and are basically spoiled rotten. The youngest children tend to be most affectionate, and more sophisticated than their peers without older siblings to show them the ropes.

But what has spurred on this blog post this morning?? A thoughtful observation by my Middle Son.

My Middle Son sees life from all angles. He looks at a situation and sees beyond the obvious.

He has a father that didn't make the effort to get to know him. The only memories he has of his father ended in heartbreak (as a child) and anger (as an adult). He sees his father for who he is and adjusted his thoughts about him accordingly.

My Middle Son has been afforded the luxury of being able to take a step back from the situation and look at it from a different angle than his Older Brother because he only lived with his father for the first three months of his life and has no memories of that time. His Older Brother remembers and it is harder to be objective about 'fathers'.

My Second Son has stepped up to the plate and taken his Younger Brother under his wing on many occasions "to do things that a Dad would do with their son". He took on the role of a pseudo-dad role model at a very young age.

So when my Middle Son sees My Youngest son's dad making the effort to know and be a part of his son's life, my Middle Son respects that. My Youngest is caught up in his contented life and doesn't appreciate the fact that he does have a father who is trying to be a part of his life.

I have made the mistake of leaving 'the relationship' between My Youngest and his father between the two of them. It has become a habit to dis involve myself of the situation. Until my Middle Son brought it to my attention. It's about respect.

Yes, it is. Honor thy mother and thy father. And when thy father is doing his best ... he deserves to be acknowledged for that.

It takes a village to raise a child? Perhaps. But when you have adult children to bring the obvious to your attention, one must heed their advise. They've been there.