In the Light of Day

I had a moment of almost certain clarity yesterday. Then I came home.

I want a change so badly that I can taste it. I can see it, feel it and almost reach out and touch it. I need to take forward steps away from a negative situation. I need it so badly that I would be willing to do almost anything.

Anything ... except abandon my responsibilities of being a parent to My Youngest.

The red flags were waving all around me. I chose to override all of the warnings. I saw the end goal. I wanted out of my current situation so badly that I was willing to take a step on the wild side. Risk it all. Do something I've never done before.

I learned things I needed to know yesterday. When the answer that I had found was dangling before me, it left no option for me to keep a foot in one door while I tried out another. I must walk away. Cut the ties. End it. That solution felt like the answer for me.

I have lived the last 13 years of my life with one foot in the door that I was leaving as my other foot bravely walked where it had never walked before.

I have taken forward steps. Perhaps those steps were hindered because of my fear of falling. I had my safety nets firmly in place.

Until last year. This past year I have been working without a net. It has been frightening. I haven't fallen. But I am most definitely not working at the height that I was meant to work at. I may not have fallen off a ledge. But I've been working my way down. Slowly but surely.

If I continue to stay where I am at, it feels like certain death. It is a fight to maintain my status quo where I am at. I've been here before. This is the place where I must take a leap of faith to save myself.

I have a fear of falling ... a fear of failing.

I must find my own answers. It is time to start the search in earnest.

The unanswered questions that I have always rise to the top ... in the light of a new day.

Onward.