Searching

I am searching for something. I don't know what it is. I do believe that it has something to do with finding a deeper meaning to life's little moments.

I have a deadline. By the end of this weekend, I must come up with an idea and create an article for a paper that I write for. This particular paper challenges me because what they are looking for is precisely what is just out of my reach right now. To take an everyday moment and turn it around into something to think about and ponder ...

I have so many moments like that. I should be able to come up with something. But I'm empty. Is hanging out with one & two year olds all day hampering my ability to think/reason at an adult level and come up with a deeper meaning to life?

I feel something inside of me yearning for this deeper place that I used to know. I can feel it coming. Then suddenly, it is as if I have woken up from a dream. Like a bubble that has burst and all that is left is an essence of a thought that I can no longer remember.

I need people and interaction in my days. Yet I long to be alone. I need purpose and direction in my days. Yet I long to lose myself in a day where I follow my thoughts and whims.

I started writing a post yesterday morning that had more depth to it than talking about my Daycare Days. But I didn't have the stamina to finish what I started. The moment my daycare family walked in the door, my adult thinking/writing skills walked out.

Once my Daycare Day begins, I am in the moment. That is where I need to be. That is where I spend the day. Thus, at the day's end ... I long to be alone and quiet.

Here I sit. I am three and a half hours into my Saturday morning ...

I sit in a dimly lit room and I have closed out the world. I spent those hours researching ways to make my Daycare Days feel more satisfying. I wrote a post for my Daycare Blog. My Daycare Week has now officially wound down to a close.

It is time to reopen my thoughts to the world around me. I long to lose myself in thought so that I can hear what something deep inside of me is trying to say. My answers are within. But I am looking outside myself. Thus ... the conflict that I feel between what I need and what I long for.

A friend signed me up (with my permission) for a 'Women's Encounter' experience next weekend. It is a full day event. It is described as "an inspirational and powerful day". I believe this is exactly what I am searching for ...

In the meantime, I must make the most of my hours/days between now and then. Maybe it is time to let the world into my day and see where it takes me.