Wordless

I am aching for "input" this morning. I scoured the blogs I read for some new words, thoughts and ideas. It looks like I am not the only one who is without words.

I don't like the words and emotions that are swirling around my head right now. I was never one to blame hormones on my mood fluctuations, but this downswing I am presently encountering feels "bigger than me" and I am wondering if I can blame hormones for it.

Yes, I just googled it, and I believe I can blame declining estrogen levels. I have every symptom on that list. I am irritable, sad, unmotivated, anxious, angry, I have the attention span of a gnat, I am exhausted, moody and tense. Check, check, check, double check and check!

Okay. I know the cause. Perhaps it is something that is a little bit bigger than me. Thus, my inability to shake this off easily.

Google also tells me to exercise and eat better. Meditation, deep breathing &/or yoga is also recommended. I have no problem avoiding tranquilizers or alcohol - they are the least of my worries.

"Engage in a creative outlet" it says. For me, that is usually writing. I feel like I am wielding a poison pen at the moment. The last thing in the world I should do is set myself free (or maybe I should, then just delete &/or shred &/or burn my words).

"Stay connected to family and community"; "Nurture your friendships". Oh. My. Gosh. Do "they" know how hard that is to do at times like this?!?!!!! I just want to bury my head under a quilt and come out when I feel my butterfly wings starting to emerge.

I don't feel like talking or doing or being anything more than absolutely necessary to get through my days. I tried doing "all of the above" with the moments I had to spare over the weekend and it absolutely depleted me. I had nothing to give and when I was in the company of others?! It just made me feel worse.

I am toying with the idea of running out to surprise my mom with a quick visit for Mother's Day. I am torn.

I need down time. I will get that down time as I drive there and back. I enjoy travelling alone. I like being alone with my thoughts and letting them flow in and out and through me. The drive would be good.

I love waking up in my own bed. Oh, it is so hard and uncomfortable to pry myself out of my comfortable bed, routines and solitude that I savor at home. It is just one night. Just one morning. I could do this. I could.

I need to do something that makes a difference. Right now, there is very little I can do for some for those who are in my thoughts. I can make a difference for my mom. I can show up.

I know I annoyed her the last time we spoke on the phone. I know I was a little over-caffeinated, over-concerned and feeling the need to do something. For somebody. Anybody. So I tried to find her answers ("Yes Mom, I can do that!! I can order you some KFC and have it delivered. From here. Right now! It will arrive at 4:44 p.m. I can even pay for it!!" "You want to go see My Uncle? I can take care of that. I can book the tickets. I can find a place to stay. I can make the calls, the reservations! I can even join you (if it falls on a weekend or my holidays). Just say the word..."

I could feel the tension rising. But it wounded me when she said, "I thought this was just going to be a short call..."

Those few words cut me like a knife. I hurt so hard that I still feel it when I rethink that conversation.

I couldn't stop myself. I need to do something. But I am powerless. I spoke the words aloud, that I usually keep to myself. This is how I think. This is not how I should speak.

I have uttered phrases that have cut others to the quick. I hold nothing against Mom for the words she spoke. I was just "too much" and she needed very little. I was overwhelming her with words the way my daycare family overwhelms me at times.

I understand. I truly do. But at the same time, I am torn.

Do I sacrifice a quiet weekend at home, to surprise Mom with the "gift" of my company when I am not entirely sure that is the present she wants to unwrap?

I write the words and I know. Phone conversations are not the same as a one-on-one visit. I know I was trying to turn our chat into a visit. We have had them before. I was trying to recreate a time when a phone call made a difference.

Those were days when Mom was able to get out and about more. I think she has a small case of Spring Fever and just wants to get out and do all she used to enjoy doing so much. I get that. A phone call just doesn't cover it. But maybe a visit will...

"Stay connected to family and community" - that is what Dr. Google prescribes. Perhaps it is exactly the medicine I need most right now.