Today is the day. I've been awake for hours and tired isn't even a part of my vocabulary this morning. I'm eagerly anticipating the day ... but not wanting any one part of it to go too fast, for fear that I won't be able to savor each and every moment. Today is 'showcase day'.
Yesterday ... I allowed myself to be a 'girl'.
I pampered myself by getting my nails done. I ran out and bought some sparkly jewellery. I went to the dance studio (and just like a kid), I eagerly rummaged through my bags and put on all of my new jewels. I glittered and shone. I felt like a kid playing dress up. I gushed with glee.
Then, came the time to run through our routines one last time before 'the day'. Instead of worrying about all of the places where I have been known to routinely mess up, I concentrated on my hands and arms. As they were adorned with glitter, I flung them higher and with more gusto than I usually do. The routines? They are a blur. I know I messed up a little on one; I know that I got a part right (that I sometimes stumble over) on the other routine. I cheered. For myself. I asked my instructor if I could do that today. Just yell "YAY!" when I got something right.
I felt like a little kid. I acted like a kid. I overheard: "She's just like the kids"
It's fun to let go of a few inhibitions and let your inner child shine. This is a part of me that rarely gets unleashed. I'm just going to go with the flow of wherever this inner child takes me.
It's a princess-for-a-day kind of feeling. It's a feeling that you don't often get to live, once you become an adult. You primp and worry about girlish things ... you dress up ... you put on sparkly jewellery ... and you shine.
What I love about this day, is that it is not just about me. I'm surrounded in a ballroom full of other prince and princesses. They may not be on the same cloud that I'm wafting on, but they'll be in a place of their own choosing. If anyone can get caught up with me in this spell, I'd love to share this magical ride.
It's all about dance today. Performing what we've been working on and watching the results of everyone else's hard work.
The best part, is seeing the culmination of our dance instructors' work. As their students go out on display, the underlying talent is that of our teachers. Where would we be without them?
The work and time that it takes to put all of this together boggles my mind. They create a day very much like a wedding day. Not only do they teach us all that we know ... but they choreograph this entire event. The venue, the program, the details that make it all so special. They find professional dancers who will not only watch and critique our routines, but will perform for us tonight. Then there is the evening ... supper, the pro-dance-show, our group will finally perform our routine ... the visiting and dancing and spirit of the day all wrapped up into one perfect package called a 'showcase'.
A day where princesses and glass slippers don't seem like that, out of a fairy tale. A day where you feel lifted out story book, with the ability to live it in real life. A day to let your inner child shine.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
Wafting
Some days, you wake up and it's like you're walking on a cloud. As I woke seconds before my alarm and thought about the day I have ahead of me, I rose to greet the day without effort. No snooze button. No nagging thoughts about my responsibilities for the day ahead. Only energy.
It's one day until our dance showcase. I've been involved in enough showcases to have an idea what is normal for me a day before the big event.
I am usually consumed with things that don't matter. One year, I broke a nail and I was disgusted at how such a tiny thing mattered to me. I have fretted about hair, makeup, costumes, jewelry ... and then real-life matters, such as taking care of all of my responsibilities so that I can forget about my day-to-day life for one day.
This year? I booked appointments to get my hair and nails done. I shall leave it to the pros and not obsess about the results. It's out of my hands.
I ended up having to run errands the past few days because I didn't take care of them last weekend. As frustrating as it was to make time for this during a week that was already busy, I realized that it freed up my weekend. I didn't plan it this way, but it worked out great.
I normally obsess about my weight in the months before the showcase. This year, I needed much more than a month to undo the past. Six months ago, I had a plan and goals. But I wasn't so good on the follow-through. So ... I relaxed with the whole idea. Does it really matter?
Other years, I practised. This year ... not so much. I tried to start practising too late in the game. When practising on my own, I often go through a stage where I'm practising wrong and getting the wrong information stored in my memory. Then that has to be undone at the next lesson. This year, it was too late to start that process by the time I realized that I should be practising. I am probably one of my instructor's most frustrating students. But he has been patiently working with what he's got. So be it.
This year, I am who I am.
I'm putting my worries on a shelf and just going with the flow. The whole dance experience has been new and refreshing to me this past year. I'm a different person than I was the last time I performed in a showcase. This person isn't sweating the small stuff. This person is going to have fun and be okay with whatever the day has in store.
Everything at home, work and school is taken care of. All I have left to do tonight, is go and look for some sparkly jewelry. I should have done this weeks ago. But I didn't. If I find something pretty and eye catching, I'll indulge myself. If not, I have my jewelry from other years. It fell apart when I took it out of my jewelry box and I glued the pieces back together. There is a slightly abstract look to my earrings that wasn't there before. But if I have to wear them ... it's okay.
My old frayed shoes and my mismatched earrings don't really matter in the whole scheme of things. It's what is inside of me that counts.
My heart is singing and I feel a little bit like Cinderella as I put together my outfit for the ball, with what I had on hand.
If I lose my glass slipper (aka: my old, comfortable dance shoe) as I leave the ball ... I don't need a prince to come and find that I'm the only person in the world that fits that triple E, frayed and well-worn shoe. I'll buy a new pair.
I shall dance to the music in my heart and savor the moments.
It's one day until our dance showcase. I've been involved in enough showcases to have an idea what is normal for me a day before the big event.
I am usually consumed with things that don't matter. One year, I broke a nail and I was disgusted at how such a tiny thing mattered to me. I have fretted about hair, makeup, costumes, jewelry ... and then real-life matters, such as taking care of all of my responsibilities so that I can forget about my day-to-day life for one day.
This year? I booked appointments to get my hair and nails done. I shall leave it to the pros and not obsess about the results. It's out of my hands.
I ended up having to run errands the past few days because I didn't take care of them last weekend. As frustrating as it was to make time for this during a week that was already busy, I realized that it freed up my weekend. I didn't plan it this way, but it worked out great.
I normally obsess about my weight in the months before the showcase. This year, I needed much more than a month to undo the past. Six months ago, I had a plan and goals. But I wasn't so good on the follow-through. So ... I relaxed with the whole idea. Does it really matter?
Other years, I practised. This year ... not so much. I tried to start practising too late in the game. When practising on my own, I often go through a stage where I'm practising wrong and getting the wrong information stored in my memory. Then that has to be undone at the next lesson. This year, it was too late to start that process by the time I realized that I should be practising. I am probably one of my instructor's most frustrating students. But he has been patiently working with what he's got. So be it.
This year, I am who I am.
I'm putting my worries on a shelf and just going with the flow. The whole dance experience has been new and refreshing to me this past year. I'm a different person than I was the last time I performed in a showcase. This person isn't sweating the small stuff. This person is going to have fun and be okay with whatever the day has in store.
Everything at home, work and school is taken care of. All I have left to do tonight, is go and look for some sparkly jewelry. I should have done this weeks ago. But I didn't. If I find something pretty and eye catching, I'll indulge myself. If not, I have my jewelry from other years. It fell apart when I took it out of my jewelry box and I glued the pieces back together. There is a slightly abstract look to my earrings that wasn't there before. But if I have to wear them ... it's okay.
My old frayed shoes and my mismatched earrings don't really matter in the whole scheme of things. It's what is inside of me that counts.
My heart is singing and I feel a little bit like Cinderella as I put together my outfit for the ball, with what I had on hand.
If I lose my glass slipper (aka: my old, comfortable dance shoe) as I leave the ball ... I don't need a prince to come and find that I'm the only person in the world that fits that triple E, frayed and well-worn shoe. I'll buy a new pair.
I shall dance to the music in my heart and savor the moments.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
What Really Matters?
One of the things that falls in that list of 'things that really don't matter' for me, is material belongings. Money is a tricky situation because one person's perspective can be quite justified, yet polar opposite of the other person's (equally justified) viewpoint.
I've lost a few material battles along the way. Although it felt very unfair and it angered me at the time, in the long run it really didn't matter. I walked away with my dignity and family intact. Those are things that money doesn't buy.
I didn't fight battles that I knew I couldn't win when it came to child support. Even if I could have reaped some financial gains, it wasn't worth it to me. The money would have come at a cost. Ours was a relationship that ran hot or cold. It was never luke warm. If my ex had been required to send money, it would have brought him into our lives on a regular basis (which was not in the best interests of our children). To me, a good father doesn't have to be legally required to help support his children. It should be in his heart to give freely to help in the costs of raising his children. I can't believe that the courts have to be involved in this obvious responsibility.
It's hard for a child who is old enough to understand, to look at this situation and not be angry. Angry at their mother who didn't fight for them. Angry at a father who didn't care enough to contribute to their expenses and allow them an easier life. It's hard for that child to grow up and not fight dearly for every penny they have earned (and worked hard to save). That child is fighting a long lost battle. Winning at all costs becomes more important than walking away with dignity.
23 years later, I can look back at the decisions I made and know that they were the right ones for me at the time.
I walked away from a house that was mine ... because he wouldn't leave it. I walked away from family and friends to start a new life ... so that our paths would no longer cross. I let the bank have things that were mine so that I wasn't paying off his debt. We started our new lives with whatever he chose to toss out of a second floor bedroom window. We struggled financially but we were never destitute. And ... we were safe.
I had my children. That was all that ever mattered to me. The car, the house, the belongings, the debt ... all of that can be replaced or paid off. The safety and well being of my children were fragile. That, I protected at all costs.
I walked away the winner. I kept only what was important. And 23 years later, I can hold my head up high and know that I didn't stoop to a level that was below me. I walked away with not only my children ... but my dignity.
What really matters in life?
I've lost a few material battles along the way. Although it felt very unfair and it angered me at the time, in the long run it really didn't matter. I walked away with my dignity and family intact. Those are things that money doesn't buy.
I didn't fight battles that I knew I couldn't win when it came to child support. Even if I could have reaped some financial gains, it wasn't worth it to me. The money would have come at a cost. Ours was a relationship that ran hot or cold. It was never luke warm. If my ex had been required to send money, it would have brought him into our lives on a regular basis (which was not in the best interests of our children). To me, a good father doesn't have to be legally required to help support his children. It should be in his heart to give freely to help in the costs of raising his children. I can't believe that the courts have to be involved in this obvious responsibility.
It's hard for a child who is old enough to understand, to look at this situation and not be angry. Angry at their mother who didn't fight for them. Angry at a father who didn't care enough to contribute to their expenses and allow them an easier life. It's hard for that child to grow up and not fight dearly for every penny they have earned (and worked hard to save). That child is fighting a long lost battle. Winning at all costs becomes more important than walking away with dignity.
23 years later, I can look back at the decisions I made and know that they were the right ones for me at the time.
I walked away from a house that was mine ... because he wouldn't leave it. I walked away from family and friends to start a new life ... so that our paths would no longer cross. I let the bank have things that were mine so that I wasn't paying off his debt. We started our new lives with whatever he chose to toss out of a second floor bedroom window. We struggled financially but we were never destitute. And ... we were safe.
I had my children. That was all that ever mattered to me. The car, the house, the belongings, the debt ... all of that can be replaced or paid off. The safety and well being of my children were fragile. That, I protected at all costs.
I walked away the winner. I kept only what was important. And 23 years later, I can hold my head up high and know that I didn't stoop to a level that was below me. I walked away with not only my children ... but my dignity.
What really matters in life?
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
It's Not What the World Can Do For You ...
"What has (_____) done for me?"
This was a question that was posed to me yesterday. Can I (with my rose colored glasses), find the positive point of view in someone else's life?
It's next to impossible to see the world the way another person sees it. I try. But I doubt that I succeed. I hope that I come close at times ... but other times, I'm sure that I fail miserably.
I go on and on about gratitude and all that I am thankful for. I wrote a poem one Christmas how the misfortune of our cat having fleas indirectly led to us getting new windows for our home.
I'm sure that a person from the outside, looking in wouldn't have found that thin trail of how one unfortunate event led to the next and the next ... that ultimately ended up being a blessing in disguise.
Why do so many good things happen to me? I suppose that I could also ask why so many bad things happen. I can't think of one occasion where something pretty awful didn't end up being another 'because my cat had fleas' kind of story.
When I walk with the 'current' of life and don't fight against the natural flow, it seems that doors open for me.
As I recounted the many things I was grateful for, as I said my final good-bye to my place of employment, I wondered why every person who worked for that organization couldn't say the same thing.
From the very moment that I was hired, I had the feeling this was meant to be. I had some very discouraging times during my first months at my new place of employment. I was 'broken' a few times. Tears were shed. I came from an employer where they knew me, my work and my reputation. In those first months with my new employer, I felt like I was fighting an uphill battle. But once the battle was won, it was much better.
Do I look back on those first months and dwell on them? Not a bit. I felt triumphant when I won over a supervisor who called me into his office rather regularly at first. I stood up for myself (with the help of a union rep) for the first time in my work career. It was uncomfortable. But I got over it. And I quietly smiled to myself as the years went on and I felt the respect that I had won from this particular supervisor.
I had a pretty rocky marriage that had the potential to bring me to my knees. I have some sort of survival instinct that kicks in when I sink too low. I got out of the marriage but I took many, many lessons along with me.
What did my ex teach me? Many things ... but one of those things was that I could go through a pregnancy and delivery on my own. It hurt like heck when he decided to go to work (he was never known for his work ethic or reliability) instead of being at the hospital when our second son was born. It wasn't one of my finer moments ... I had never felt so alone. But, it was a lesson I needed to learn when I found out that I was on my own with my third child. Not only could I have that baby without someone holding my hand ... but I could raise that child on my own, too. I actually wrote my ex a letter (which he never did receive) to thank him for that. He taught me what I needed to know for one of the future chapters in my life. Do I dwell on the fact that he wasn't there for me in many ways? Not for a moment. He taught me to be self reliant.
My marriage taught me many things. To value honesty and trust was huge. In the next relationship that I had in my life, honesty and trust was #1 on my list of things that I admired about my 'forever relationship'. When push came to shove, I trusted this man implicitly. No question. No matter how much our relationship faltered 'honesty and trust' were at the top of the list of reasons why I was a part of it.
Why did that relationship fail? The underlying reasons are many. Too subtle and too much a part of what we grew to be together, to put a finger on the 'one' reason we were struggling at the time. But why did it end? That one is simple. The honesty and trust factor plummeted to nil, after I found out that he had lied to me.
It broke my heart. A heart that I had guarded with my life and given to someone. That lie and the incidents around it knocked me to the ground.
But life went on. I pieced myself back together and came out of the whole scenario a new person. I rebuilt myself from the inside out. And while I am far from perfect ... I am happy in a way that I have never known before.
Would this have happened if I had stayed in that relationship? Not in a heartbeat. I was losing the battle of my self worth and I was becoming a shell of the person I could have been.
Today, I could hug the 'key players' of the incident that brought our relationship to a halt. I didn't know it at the time, but that one incident changed my life. For the better.
Am I grateful for each and every incident that have devastated me in my life? Beyond words. Some lessons in life are hard. But if you keep looking forward and follow the current of your life ... if you trust your inner voice and do what it tells you to do ... if you learn with each lesson life throws your way ... and are grateful for where you end up ... I think that one can find out how someone/some incident/some organization has impacted your life.
That 'someone' or 'something' has not done anything for you. It is the lessons you take from the path that you follow that is the gift.
Look within ...
This was a question that was posed to me yesterday. Can I (with my rose colored glasses), find the positive point of view in someone else's life?
It's next to impossible to see the world the way another person sees it. I try. But I doubt that I succeed. I hope that I come close at times ... but other times, I'm sure that I fail miserably.
I go on and on about gratitude and all that I am thankful for. I wrote a poem one Christmas how the misfortune of our cat having fleas indirectly led to us getting new windows for our home.
I'm sure that a person from the outside, looking in wouldn't have found that thin trail of how one unfortunate event led to the next and the next ... that ultimately ended up being a blessing in disguise.
Why do so many good things happen to me? I suppose that I could also ask why so many bad things happen. I can't think of one occasion where something pretty awful didn't end up being another 'because my cat had fleas' kind of story.
When I walk with the 'current' of life and don't fight against the natural flow, it seems that doors open for me.
As I recounted the many things I was grateful for, as I said my final good-bye to my place of employment, I wondered why every person who worked for that organization couldn't say the same thing.
From the very moment that I was hired, I had the feeling this was meant to be. I had some very discouraging times during my first months at my new place of employment. I was 'broken' a few times. Tears were shed. I came from an employer where they knew me, my work and my reputation. In those first months with my new employer, I felt like I was fighting an uphill battle. But once the battle was won, it was much better.
Do I look back on those first months and dwell on them? Not a bit. I felt triumphant when I won over a supervisor who called me into his office rather regularly at first. I stood up for myself (with the help of a union rep) for the first time in my work career. It was uncomfortable. But I got over it. And I quietly smiled to myself as the years went on and I felt the respect that I had won from this particular supervisor.
I had a pretty rocky marriage that had the potential to bring me to my knees. I have some sort of survival instinct that kicks in when I sink too low. I got out of the marriage but I took many, many lessons along with me.
What did my ex teach me? Many things ... but one of those things was that I could go through a pregnancy and delivery on my own. It hurt like heck when he decided to go to work (he was never known for his work ethic or reliability) instead of being at the hospital when our second son was born. It wasn't one of my finer moments ... I had never felt so alone. But, it was a lesson I needed to learn when I found out that I was on my own with my third child. Not only could I have that baby without someone holding my hand ... but I could raise that child on my own, too. I actually wrote my ex a letter (which he never did receive) to thank him for that. He taught me what I needed to know for one of the future chapters in my life. Do I dwell on the fact that he wasn't there for me in many ways? Not for a moment. He taught me to be self reliant.
My marriage taught me many things. To value honesty and trust was huge. In the next relationship that I had in my life, honesty and trust was #1 on my list of things that I admired about my 'forever relationship'. When push came to shove, I trusted this man implicitly. No question. No matter how much our relationship faltered 'honesty and trust' were at the top of the list of reasons why I was a part of it.
Why did that relationship fail? The underlying reasons are many. Too subtle and too much a part of what we grew to be together, to put a finger on the 'one' reason we were struggling at the time. But why did it end? That one is simple. The honesty and trust factor plummeted to nil, after I found out that he had lied to me.
It broke my heart. A heart that I had guarded with my life and given to someone. That lie and the incidents around it knocked me to the ground.
But life went on. I pieced myself back together and came out of the whole scenario a new person. I rebuilt myself from the inside out. And while I am far from perfect ... I am happy in a way that I have never known before.
Would this have happened if I had stayed in that relationship? Not in a heartbeat. I was losing the battle of my self worth and I was becoming a shell of the person I could have been.
Today, I could hug the 'key players' of the incident that brought our relationship to a halt. I didn't know it at the time, but that one incident changed my life. For the better.
Am I grateful for each and every incident that have devastated me in my life? Beyond words. Some lessons in life are hard. But if you keep looking forward and follow the current of your life ... if you trust your inner voice and do what it tells you to do ... if you learn with each lesson life throws your way ... and are grateful for where you end up ... I think that one can find out how someone/some incident/some organization has impacted your life.
That 'someone' or 'something' has not done anything for you. It is the lessons you take from the path that you follow that is the gift.
Look within ...
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Sometimes ... It's Just the Shoes
New shoes are my nemesis. When I finally find a pair of shoes that I can wear, I keep them long beyond their useful life. 'Til death do we part' is a vow I can easily make with a comfortable pair of shoes.
Which brings me to my dance shoes.
I have a pair of shoes that I've worn since I started dancing. These shoes and I have had our trying times, but when push comes to shove ... they are there for me.
I have a new pair of dance shoes that have never felt as comfortable. They are beautiful to look at, I love the ability to get in and out of them quickly. But man! They are uncomfortable.
With the dance showcase soon upon us, I dusted off my new dance shoes and thought I should get used to dancing in them before the big day. I can't wear my old and bedraggled shoes on Showcase Day! It just wouldn't look right.
Then ... my instructor asked me to bring both pairs of shoes with me, to my last lesson.
I put on my old, worn and comfortable shoes first. They take longer to buckle up and I could quickly change into my new shoes and not waste precious moments of my dance lesson doing so.
I didn't even think about it. We danced. And I danced fairly well. Of course I should be dancing fairly well by now, so I didn't correlate the shoes with my abilities. Until I changed shoes.
I fumbled, I lost my balance and my ability to dance. Maybe it was all in my mind ... but the moment I put on those new, uncomfortable shoes I walked differently and I most definitely danced differently.
Could a lot of my ineptness of late, be blamed on the shoes? Not all of it, I'm sure. But enough to change my choice of shoes for Showcase Day. Hopefully my feet will be such a blur that no one will notice the fraying edges and general unkemptness of a pair of shoes that is almost a decade old. I just hope that the straps don't give out on me before then.
I will mourn the loss of my old dance shoes when they can no longer be revived. There will never be another pair of shoes just like them. But ... as with many things in life, I just can't give up. Maybe there is even a better pair of shoes out there for me. I just haven't found them yet.
Which brings me to my dance shoes.
I have a pair of shoes that I've worn since I started dancing. These shoes and I have had our trying times, but when push comes to shove ... they are there for me.
I have a new pair of dance shoes that have never felt as comfortable. They are beautiful to look at, I love the ability to get in and out of them quickly. But man! They are uncomfortable.
With the dance showcase soon upon us, I dusted off my new dance shoes and thought I should get used to dancing in them before the big day. I can't wear my old and bedraggled shoes on Showcase Day! It just wouldn't look right.
Then ... my instructor asked me to bring both pairs of shoes with me, to my last lesson.
I put on my old, worn and comfortable shoes first. They take longer to buckle up and I could quickly change into my new shoes and not waste precious moments of my dance lesson doing so.
I didn't even think about it. We danced. And I danced fairly well. Of course I should be dancing fairly well by now, so I didn't correlate the shoes with my abilities. Until I changed shoes.
I fumbled, I lost my balance and my ability to dance. Maybe it was all in my mind ... but the moment I put on those new, uncomfortable shoes I walked differently and I most definitely danced differently.
Could a lot of my ineptness of late, be blamed on the shoes? Not all of it, I'm sure. But enough to change my choice of shoes for Showcase Day. Hopefully my feet will be such a blur that no one will notice the fraying edges and general unkemptness of a pair of shoes that is almost a decade old. I just hope that the straps don't give out on me before then.
I will mourn the loss of my old dance shoes when they can no longer be revived. There will never be another pair of shoes just like them. But ... as with many things in life, I just can't give up. Maybe there is even a better pair of shoes out there for me. I just haven't found them yet.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Snap Out of It!
As much as I enjoyed as my laid-back day yesterday, the idle time started messing with me. Insecurities and negativity started seeping into the crevices of my mind.
I'm surprised that I consciously noticed the change - I used to get swept up and lost in these feelings. This time, I felt so out of sorts that I thought 'this is not the way I usually feel'. And I worked to snap myself out of it.
I had to change the 'thought patterns' that were cycling through my mind. Instead of caving into my desire to go out for supper or order something, I chose an easy cook-at-home meal instead. I thought that feeding my body proper nourishment would be a step in the right direction. It's too easy to feed these low moods with convenience food. Garbage in, garbage out?
The act of making that decision got me moving and out of the house. Once in the car, I turned on my CD from my 'Thought Patterns' class and absorbed some of these words. It just so happened that the exact spot in the CD, were the words I needed to hear.
In with the positive ... out with the negative.
Moving forward with the day, my thoughts shifted. Instead of focusing on the insecurities that had risen to the surface, I looked ahead to our family supper.
The funny thing is, that I mentioned this 'shift to the dark side' of my thinking and Middle Son said that he felt the same way. We didn't dwell on it, but it was nice to know I wasn't completely alone.
As we sat down as a family and shared some healthy nourishment and conversation, my mood was transformed.
I used to get caught up in the dark moods. I felt so powerful yesterday - to look those insecurities in the face and tame them. It is good that I have those feelings. It makes me scrutinize my thinking. I've become such a chatterbox that I need the quiet. To listen ... to myself, to the people and world around me.
I don't want to get caught up in those dark moods. I am so glad that I was able to snap myself out of it. Consciously shifting my thoughts and feeding my brain nourishing food was key. Enveloping myself in my family was icing on the cake.
I'm surprised that I consciously noticed the change - I used to get swept up and lost in these feelings. This time, I felt so out of sorts that I thought 'this is not the way I usually feel'. And I worked to snap myself out of it.
I had to change the 'thought patterns' that were cycling through my mind. Instead of caving into my desire to go out for supper or order something, I chose an easy cook-at-home meal instead. I thought that feeding my body proper nourishment would be a step in the right direction. It's too easy to feed these low moods with convenience food. Garbage in, garbage out?
The act of making that decision got me moving and out of the house. Once in the car, I turned on my CD from my 'Thought Patterns' class and absorbed some of these words. It just so happened that the exact spot in the CD, were the words I needed to hear.
In with the positive ... out with the negative.
Moving forward with the day, my thoughts shifted. Instead of focusing on the insecurities that had risen to the surface, I looked ahead to our family supper.
The funny thing is, that I mentioned this 'shift to the dark side' of my thinking and Middle Son said that he felt the same way. We didn't dwell on it, but it was nice to know I wasn't completely alone.
As we sat down as a family and shared some healthy nourishment and conversation, my mood was transformed.
I used to get caught up in the dark moods. I felt so powerful yesterday - to look those insecurities in the face and tame them. It is good that I have those feelings. It makes me scrutinize my thinking. I've become such a chatterbox that I need the quiet. To listen ... to myself, to the people and world around me.
I don't want to get caught up in those dark moods. I am so glad that I was able to snap myself out of it. Consciously shifting my thoughts and feeding my brain nourishing food was key. Enveloping myself in my family was icing on the cake.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Days Like This
Every time I have a day like this (a day where I am guided only by my whims), I think 'I can't remember the last time I had a day like this ...' And then I realize, that I am actually having a lot more of these days lately.
A day where I talked for hours on end to a friend. A day to simply relax. I had nothing more pressing on my agenda than trying to come up with a meal for my family. And the gift of enjoying their company while they were here.
There are 9 years between my oldest sons. An age spread that has divided them in more ways than one. Recently, that gap seems to be lessening.
Tonight, I could feel the unspoken words between them. When Middle Son said something to the defense of His Older Brother, I felt a subtle change in the air. It seems that nothing goes unnoticed by My Oldest these days. He senses when someone is on his side and rooting for him. Even though the dialogue between my sons put us in a light hearted 'it's us guys against the girls' spin on the conversation, the deeper connotation is a positive one.
My family is feeling a lot like a family these days. It warms my heart and makes a day like this even better.
A day where I talked for hours on end to a friend. A day to simply relax. I had nothing more pressing on my agenda than trying to come up with a meal for my family. And the gift of enjoying their company while they were here.
There are 9 years between my oldest sons. An age spread that has divided them in more ways than one. Recently, that gap seems to be lessening.
Tonight, I could feel the unspoken words between them. When Middle Son said something to the defense of His Older Brother, I felt a subtle change in the air. It seems that nothing goes unnoticed by My Oldest these days. He senses when someone is on his side and rooting for him. Even though the dialogue between my sons put us in a light hearted 'it's us guys against the girls' spin on the conversation, the deeper connotation is a positive one.
My family is feeling a lot like a family these days. It warms my heart and makes a day like this even better.
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