A Leap of Faith

Yesterday ... I jumped.

There is no net. I haven't landed yet. It is like I've jumped out of a plane and haven't opened my parachute yet. I'm still gazing at all of the possibilities.

I am hoping that my chute opens when I need it. I am trusting that it will.

Escaping Reality

"The Family Planner" is the title that my Oldest Sister recently used to describe my role in our family.

It's not a bad title, but as I immersed myself in the idea of planning a suggested family holiday, I started to feel as though I was losing myself in a fantasy world. Again.

We barely returned from our family reunion, when I booked an overnight getaway. That is still four weeks away. I could cancel it. But I don't want to.

Next weekend, My Oldest has (once again) booked us for a balloon ride. We shall silently waft through the air (provided all weather conditions are just right) and drift over Our Fair City ...

Today ... I must face another five day work week. And what song has been wafting through my head?? "Those Lazy Hazy Crazy Days of Summer".

Which brings me to the crux of what is going on inside of my head. I want to be working from home. Or at a bare minimum, I want to have the same holidays that My Youngest has.

It has been just over four months since I was told that my work-from-home career was turned into a work-out-of-my-home job. I have been running ever since that news hit my ears.

I ran to Mom's when she wasn't well. First, for five days. Then, I returned for ten more. Fast forward a few weeks and I was back at Mom's for the Easter weekend. Three weeks after that, I spent a night away from home attending a family birthday celebration. One week later, I was headed to Alaska for twelve days. Home for ten days, then an overnight at a hotel to celebrate My Youngest's birthday. A week later, I was off for the day to attend a 50th anniversary gathering. A few weeks later, we camped out in My Hometown for their homecoming. To be followed by our own family reunion three days after that.

As my reality became that of a work-out-of-the-home-Mom, my head immediately fast forwarded to all of the plans that I had made prior to that knowledge. I had holidays booked and a family reunion planned. I had to stick it out at my present job at least as long as it took for me to get through those holiday plans.

That plan also forced me to stick it out for four+ months. That was good. I needed to give it my best shot. There are pros and cons of working out of my home. But the pros are not winning.

I look back at the harried days of running my daycare. It wasn't all fun and games. The days were long. The frustration levels could run high. But there were moments interspersed throughout each and every day that made it all worth it. I was home. I created a home within these walls that became the place I always wanted to live. I raised my own child and he knew what it was like to have a mom at home each and every day.

I miss those days. There is no going back. Only forward.

I know the direction that I want to go. I don't know how to get there. So I am planning fantasy vacations in my mind. I'm creating a better place. But it is not real.

I don't want to escape my reality. I want to make my reality the place that I want to be.

P.S. Hey! This is starting to sound like planning a vacation!! I can do this ...

At One With the World ...

Sometimes, you just have to take a step away from it all.

As if I haven't had enough opportunities to escape the reality of my life lately, yesterday offered one more reminder of what is truly important in life. The moment you are living. The here. The now. Family. And nature ...

We spent the afternoon at a nearby lake. We watched (bushy tailed) gophers, dragonflies, butterflies and 'life' all around us.

Making the Best of Things

"Things turn out for the best,

for people who make the best of the way things turn out."

~John Wooden~

I love those words. They made me think of the backwards way that I look at life. 

Very often, I look at where I am and rewind the tape of my life to see if I can find the catalyst that set the wheels in motion to get me to 'where I am at'.

I cannot begin to count the number of times that heart ache and sorrow have led me to a better place than I started. The road is not direct or predictable. But when I get to the temporary destination of 'contentment', I can appreciate that I needed to travel that path to get to where I needed to go.

When our cat had fleas, being late for an appointment, illness, unexpected forks in the road, betrayal, loss and devastation in any way, shape or form ... each and every negative life event has led me to a better place in the end.

This week, I have focused on a change that I must initiate. I am torn. Because no matter how much I know that it is time to walk away and move on ... I can fully appreciate the benefits of all that I received along the way.

There is not one wasted moment in my life, when I look at it backwards. Each hurdle has been an opportunity to learn and gain the fortitude to leap higher over the next (inevitable) challenge.

"You can't always get what you want ... but you get what you need"

(as my much wiser, older sister has been noted singing to her children in times of want)

Questions

Can I lift 70 pounds on a continuous basis? Can I type 65 wpm? How can I utilize life experience and put it to work for me?

How can I be certain that a new direction is a better direction? What direction do I really want to go??

I am examining my self worth a lot right now. I am satisfied with who I am and what I've made of myself. Can I sell that package?

Will I be given any options? Or will this be a one shot deal? What if I make one choice and I'm offered another?

Thankfully, I don't have to answer any of those questions today. Today I have no answers. All I have is questions.

Transition

I don't even have a blog title in mind this morning. My head is swirling with thoughts. Mostly on transition. It is exhausting.

Last night, I fell asleep at the kitchen table while doing a crossword puzzle. I took one look at the couch and knew that was where I belonged. Three hours later, I woke up.

A three hour nap in the evening does not hamper my ability to sleep the rest of the night. After I awoke at 9:30 p.m., I wasn't even able to stay awake to watch the remainder of 'You've Got Mail' which was on TV last night (a movie that I know that I would enjoy, but I have never had the ability to remain conscious long enough to watch all of it).

I woke up this morning before my alarm. Today will be the day that I can function on all cylinders. All day long.

Waves of exhaustion keep trying to overtake me. I stayed awake throughout our reunion weekends. I managed to push through the exhaustion when I was at work. I have had enough to do after supper to keep me awake and moving. But last night? All bets were off. I slept. And it was good.

I wake up in the morning, knowing that I must use my early morning energy towards creating change in my life. I look at the options and am reminded of what I presently have. I could easily talk myself into staying in 'this place'. But the anxiety that I feel on a regular basis keeps me moving forward. Is there a way that I could modify my present situation into a workable one?

Solutions are not leaping out in front of me. I find myself searching for a suitable answer. The state of transition is not a place that I enjoy. It exhausts me.

Change is not easy. But sometimes, it is necessary.

Loose Ends

There is a lot of unfinished business racing around in my head right now. It is a wonderful place to be ... but it isn't terribly conducive to early morning writing. My thought processes are in a do and go mode, instead of a place where I sit back and reflect.

It is so exciting for me to look at the calendar and see months and months of empty spaces. I know that the days will be filled up as time goes along. But for the moment, I can see the horizon.

I see time and space to pursue that which I had only begun. I see the state of 'completion' in my future.

It's funny how much one can appreciate just how much one does have, when you open the door to look at other options. I am in that place right now. I am appreciating what I have instead of focusing on that which I lack. 

I've been here before. I am in a situation which is not all bad. If I focus on the positive, I could stay in this safe place and keep on trudging along. The reality, is that I am in a position which is slowly killing my spirit. I need to move myself out of the negativity and take a chance on something new.

It's one of those loose ends in my life that needs to be addressed.