Escaping Reality

"The Family Planner" is the title that my Oldest Sister recently used to describe my role in our family.

It's not a bad title, but as I immersed myself in the idea of planning a suggested family holiday, I started to feel as though I was losing myself in a fantasy world. Again.

We barely returned from our family reunion, when I booked an overnight getaway. That is still four weeks away. I could cancel it. But I don't want to.

Next weekend, My Oldest has (once again) booked us for a balloon ride. We shall silently waft through the air (provided all weather conditions are just right) and drift over Our Fair City ...

Today ... I must face another five day work week. And what song has been wafting through my head?? "Those Lazy Hazy Crazy Days of Summer".

Which brings me to the crux of what is going on inside of my head. I want to be working from home. Or at a bare minimum, I want to have the same holidays that My Youngest has.

It has been just over four months since I was told that my work-from-home career was turned into a work-out-of-my-home job. I have been running ever since that news hit my ears.

I ran to Mom's when she wasn't well. First, for five days. Then, I returned for ten more. Fast forward a few weeks and I was back at Mom's for the Easter weekend. Three weeks after that, I spent a night away from home attending a family birthday celebration. One week later, I was headed to Alaska for twelve days. Home for ten days, then an overnight at a hotel to celebrate My Youngest's birthday. A week later, I was off for the day to attend a 50th anniversary gathering. A few weeks later, we camped out in My Hometown for their homecoming. To be followed by our own family reunion three days after that.

As my reality became that of a work-out-of-the-home-Mom, my head immediately fast forwarded to all of the plans that I had made prior to that knowledge. I had holidays booked and a family reunion planned. I had to stick it out at my present job at least as long as it took for me to get through those holiday plans.

That plan also forced me to stick it out for four+ months. That was good. I needed to give it my best shot. There are pros and cons of working out of my home. But the pros are not winning.

I look back at the harried days of running my daycare. It wasn't all fun and games. The days were long. The frustration levels could run high. But there were moments interspersed throughout each and every day that made it all worth it. I was home. I created a home within these walls that became the place I always wanted to live. I raised my own child and he knew what it was like to have a mom at home each and every day.

I miss those days. There is no going back. Only forward.

I know the direction that I want to go. I don't know how to get there. So I am planning fantasy vacations in my mind. I'm creating a better place. But it is not real.

I don't want to escape my reality. I want to make my reality the place that I want to be.

P.S. Hey! This is starting to sound like planning a vacation!! I can do this ...