You've Got to Know When to Fold 'Em

I have been walking a familiar path lately. It started out only vaguely reminiscent of something that I once knew. But as the road narrowed and took me deeper into the 'forest' ... there was a part of me deep inside that was telling me, "Get out!" When the logical side of my brain tried to talk me down, the quiet voice inside eventually started to scream, "Get out now!"
 .....

I have been in two serious relationships in my life.

Each time I entered into the new and fascinating wonder of falling in love, I felt happy.

When I am introduced to someone, I show them my best. Then, I immediately start pointing out my own flaws. When you are in a mutual place of 'falling in like', there is something rather magical about having someone disagree with your own self image (if that image is not positive).

Amazingly enough, if you stick with a person long enough and continue to tell them how awful you are ... they eventually start to agree with you.

It is when someone else starts pointing out 'that which I have told them' and flinging it back at me, that I finally regain my fight. I know that I am better than that. I can't hear that within my own thoughts. But when it comes back to me from someone else ... I fight.

My self worth has risen over the years. Amazingly, I am quite alone (as far as a relationship goes ... not in any other sense of the word) with my own contentment. I am good with that. I enjoy my own company. I enjoy the freedom that my life allows me. I am in a wonderful place.

Then there is work.

I have had many work relationships. I enter into a new work relationship much the same as I enter into a male/female relationship. I tell them how great I am so that they will hire me. Once hired, I admit all of my failings and struggle with the initial getting-to-know-what-I-need-to-know period.

This is where the similarity between my relationships in life and my work relationships end. With each and every job that I have had, I have had support, encouragement, training, feedback and a positive environment to get me past the insecurities and move onto a feeling of satisfaction.

Until my last job.

I will not get into any more details than to say that this work relationship is unlike any other that I have ever had. I have endured almost three years. Each year with the promise that "it will get better". Each year ... gets worse (in new and improved ways).

I went to school to broaden my horizons, so that I could take on new responsibilities at my job. I quit all of my other jobs so that I could devote myself to this one job.

My desire to work, learn, expand and take on more responsibilities has been thwarted at every turn. The option of attaining some of that satisfaction from a second job has been stomped out. I am dying inside.

I am feeling as low as I felt when I knew that I must walk away from my forever-relationships, in order to save myself.

I resigned from my position on Monday. I don't have another job lined up. I have an inner sense of knowing exactly what I want and need. I am on a path that may take me where I hope to go. I trust that everything will come together even better than I had anticipated. 
...

I knew when to walk away. I knew when to run.