Odd Man Out

What would I feel like if I spent ten hours of every weekday with two other people who spoke a different language than I do?

What if those two people seemed to have a special connection and words were truly not necessary to speak with each other?

What if they were two people of the opposite sex and I truly had very little in common with them?

Add to that, that they are half my age and there is a substantial generation gap between us.

I am not a leader. I am a follower.

How would I manage in that environment?

Would I try to copy, learn and speak this new language? Would I feel left out because I felt like a stranger in their world? Would I conform to their interests so that we found some common ground? Would I subconsciously act a lot younger than my age in a sincere desire simply to fit in? Would I simply follow their lead because I am a natural follower?

Chances are ... that is exactly what I would do.

If you are a natural born leader, certain behaviours seem to come as easily as breathing. If you are a follower by nature, you follow your natural path and adapt in the best way that you know how.

This ... is the world that my two-year-old boy walks into every day at daycare, with his two, one-year-old-girl playmates.

The girls are more than happy to play with this little guy who is twice their age. Possibly because he is so adaptable to their ways and easy to get along with.

Is it frustrating to watch a two-year-old who has the ability to speak coherent sentences, understand and learn at a completely different level ... speak baby talk and act out in whatever way he sees his younger counterparts do, whenever he plays with these younger girls? Yes. But I think I have a clearer vision of where this is coming from.

It is amazing what you see when you look at the world through the eyes of someone whose behaviour baffles you ...

Just for Today ...

This has to be a turn around week. It simply must. I cannot follow where this downward spiral is leading.

First and foremost, I must make the most of my Daycare Days. When I reopened my doors, it was with my eyes wide open. I focused on the little moments that matter within the day and life was beyond wonderful.

Granted, we got outdoors a lot during the first few months. We went for morning strolls that were dictated by little more than my ability to push my two charges for as long as I wished. It was heavenly to breath in the fresh air, walk and let thoughts drift aimlessly in and out of my mind. Then the last hour of the day was spent in the back yard. The kids could run and play and just be kids. We had the time and opportunity to count the lady bugs. I miss those days. I miss them a lot.

I savored the getting-to-know-you process with my new family. There were a few challenges and I remember thinking at the end of that first month just how far we had all come in becoming comfortable and getting to know each other. I vividly remembered the first days and fully appreciated the comfort levels that we all gained during that month.

Then we added one more to the family. It was like repeating the first month ... only we couldn't walk quite as far (because my two year old was now walking instead of riding along in the stroller). But we still got outside regularly. Another 'first month' of getting to know each other and at the end of that second month, I felt ready to take on a fourth child and yet more challenges.

That didn't happen ... but toilet training did. That took every ounce of patience and spare time that I had. In the end, I was rather grateful a fourth child did not enter the mix at that time.

Then came December and I gave up hope on adding to our family in 2012. The new year would bring new life to our daycare and more mountains to climb.

My wish came true. Sort of. I have a half-time five year old that comes (basically) every other day. He has been here a grand total of three (half) days. We haven't yet developed a new rhythm in those few hours. The walls are closing in on us, as the weather has kept us indoors on the cold days and when the days warm up, our outdoor activities are restricted to going for walks (and the sidewalks are a mess ever since they cleaned the streets and the excess has trickled onto the sidewalks).

I am slowly but surely going a little stir crazy. I am not alone. I have three and a half young children that are also tiring of these walls that confine us. Try as I might, the kids tire of most every new idea or toy or combination of toys that I can come up with. I need some new material. But most of all ... I need a new lease on life.

The tedium of our days is carrying on into my evening and weekends. I am acting like my kids. Simply bored and more than a little happy to let the TV entertain me in every little nook and cranny of the day that isn't ruled by responsibilities.

I don't want the kids to watch more than a minimal amount of TV because I know it isn't good for them. Yet I am not governing myself by the same rules. Television is turning my brain to mush. I have stopped looking at the small moments in life and appreciating them. I need to turn off the TV and tune back into the life that I am living.

The best place to start is within my Daycare Day.

I have been blessed with three adorable little children (plus my half-time five year old that I am still getting to know). It is time to sit on the floor and see the world the way they see it. Listen to what they are saying. Watch, enjoy and guide what they are doing.

I need our day to be more than a regularly scheduled itinerary of breakfast; play-time; quiet-time; lunch-time; nap-time; snack-time; then more play-time. When I reflect on the day I want to remember the moments ... not a running commentary on the regularly scheduled requirements.

This morning, I grabbed the notebook that I had on my night stand so that I can write down the little moments and memorable things the kids do or say throughout the day. This notepad has been on my night stand for almost a year. I thought that perhaps deep and insightful thoughts were coming to me in the middle of the night and I was neglecting to focus on them.

So I started a 'dream journal'. It has one entry. One.

"Sometimes it is not what we see ...

or hear ...

It is what we feel."

Today is about what I feel. I shall keep my notepad at my side and write down the little moments that make a day. Today will be more than what I see and hear ... it will be about what I feel.

One Small Action Begets Another ...

It is a little too easy for me to stay in my pyjamas all (or most of the) day on a weekend. It has become my habit to turn on the television set and lose an evening, a morning, an afternoon ... or all of the above. Once I sit down on my favorite comfy couch, I have no burning desire to move myself from that spot. What difference does it really make if I waste a few hours (or days/months/years!)?

I have let exhaustion overrule my life. I succumb to it whenever the days allow. There have been times when it has felt that I physically could not stay awake. The waves hit hard and heavy. My eyes feel incapable of staying open and my body becomes one with the couch.

I think of all of the things that I should be doing and I am overwhelmed. I have let things slide. I have put off things off for so long that I fear I have convinced myself I am incapable of finishing what I have started. Big things. Little things. Important things. Things that really don't matter. Each one of these incomplete tasks weighs equally heavy in my mind. When did I stop finishing what I started??

I am overwhelmed by so much. So much so, that I am weighted down by the load that I am not feeling capable of carrying.

I haven't pushed myself out of this spot for so long that I am losing my desire to do so. This weekend has been too easy. I haven't had to do anything that I didn't want to do. It was fast becoming yet another lost weekend ...

Then I got dressed. Why did I get dressed? Because I needed to wash the pj's that I had worn for the better part of the past two days.

Then I did some laundry. Why did I do laundry? Because My Youngest wouldn't have had clean clothes  to wear to school tomorrow (as well as wanting my favorite pair of pj's to be fresh & clean).

Once I was dressed, I knew that I had to leave the house to buy milk. Since I was out of the house anyway, I bought groceries ....

Once I had groceries in the house, I extended a supper invitation. I was taken up on my offer by not only one, but two guests. The meal wasn't fancy, but it was a meal. I have all but stopped voluntary cooking. It didn't even hurt, to provide sustenance for a few extra mouths tonight.

The invitations involved picking up the phone and dialing it. I had called a few others that returned my call later in the day.

I talked to people. I invited people into my day. I gave a little of myself and invited a few extra family members into our world tonight. I felt the weight of the world lighten, when I made the effort to extend myself and make myself a contributor to the human race today.

It all started with getting dressed. Amazing how one small act can make such a difference in a day ...

Like a Kid in a Candy Store

I have been craving sugar in a way that I have no recollection of experiencing ever before.

Chocolate doesn't appease my need for something sweet. Nor does a chocolate drizzled granola bar. Nor cookies, Pringles (?!?!!) or popcorn. I have been eagerly anticipating my daily chewable orange flavored Vitamin D and if I wasn't fearful of what an overdose of Vitamin D would do for me, I would have polished off that bottle in one sitting (five times over) this week.

I gave gift cards to the Bulk Barn to everyone (but myself) in the house. The mere thought of what that colorful gift card looked like made me salivate. Then our cat came upstairs one night wearing a Bulk Barn bag around his neck (my Middle Son & His Girlfriend must have cashed in on their gift and decided to torment the cat with Bulk Barn neck attire) and my need for sugar hit an all time high.

I delivered flyers after my Daycare Day ended yesterday in -30 degree (with windchill) weather. I was beyond chilly when I hit the 2/3 completion mark and had to come back home to pick up the last of the flyers. I was mildly frozen when I finally finished the job. I walked in the door and asked My Youngest if he was still up for a trip to the Bulk Barn.

My body was not yet unthawed when we set out on our task. I warmed up the car and blasted the hear up to record temperatures (I normally don't exceed the 19 degree setting). And we were off.

Oh. My. Gosh. We walked through the doors at the Bulk Barn and it was candy heaven. We were greeted with the Valentine's Day stock the moment we walked in the door. Then I spotted individually wrapped mini chocolate bars. Then we hit the 'sours' section. I was off and running.

I had no self control whatsoever. I took a scoop of this, that, the other and then every other thing that looked remotely pleasing to the eye. I was most definitely in the thick of a sweet/sour craving as I found more delightful sour candies at the end of the aisle. Then I found the SweeTarts and Love Hearts ...

The selection of candy was a childhood dream. Suddenly I was a 10 year old without a 25 cent allowance standing in the candy aisle that I could have never in my wildest imagination ever dreamed of.

I walked out the door with 4.88 pounds of sugar.

No craving is complete without a Tim Hortons fix. Can you believe when I parked the car at the Bulk Barn ... we were right across the street from a Tim Hortons?? My most favorite take-out meal at the moment is a Tim Hortons BLT, a chocolate dip donut and coffee. Besides ... I needed to coat my stomach with something non-sugary (donuts don't count, do they??) before I went on my sugar binge.

I came home and sat myself down in my most favorite spot in the house. On the love seat, with the coffee table at arm's reach right beside me. I had a taped episode of the Gilmore Girls to watch (with Grey's Anatomy for a chaser). I sat down with my Tim Hortons meal, every remote control that I would need to access all of my TV programming ... and a blanket (yes! I was still half frozen).

I swear. I was in heaven. Every bite of my supper tasted divine. The coffee perfectly offset the onset of sugar that I would soon consume. And the heat. Oh ... the heat! It was heavenly to recapture the feeling in my frozen extremities at the same time that my most innermost dreams were coming true.

Finally. The pièce de résistance ... a bag of sweet/sour candy to appease my sugar cravings. I wish that I would have counted how many pieces of candy it took to satisfy my craving. If I were to guess, I would say that perhaps ten pieces of candy was all that I needed. If I would have had only ten pieces of candy at my side, I would have needed a thousand. The excess depleted my need for sugar ...

Because do you know what?? This morning, I woke up craving salt ...

It Must Have Been a Dream

I woke up this morning with the vague recollection of a specific topic and blog post that I was going to write today. The concept was as clear as a bell ... but the reality was as clear as mud. I will write the words as they come to me this morning. There may not be a central theme to this post but maybe I'll find something as I wade through the words in my head.

I have not been able to keep this low grade achiness out of my words lately. I don't want to lose this feeling of loss because there are those that are close to me that are going through their own grieving process and though life goes on, life as they knew it will never be the same. I don't want to forget the perspective that I have gained as I have walked this path ...

My mom called last night and she spoke of this feeling that is hard to pin down and name. When you lose a person that is not a part of your day-to-day life there is a feeling that they are not really gone. Life goes on much as it did before and you feel a small bit guilty that you just carry on. I have been slow to release this sense of loss because it simply feels ... wrong.

Last night, I visited a friend that is battling her own set of health challenges. It has been an uphill battle for her but she seems to have the upper hand at the moment. I hope that she wins a few rounds now that she has regained her fighting spirit. She has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. She is determined to push the dates the doctors have given her beyond their expectations. What does she know that the rest of us don't? An approximation of the 'time she has left'. None of us will live forever. Why do we think we are any different than my friend?

I have booked a dance lesson for next week. Perhaps I should have tried to go this week but I simply didn't want to. Not yet. I know that I must get out and resume life as I knew it. But I have put it off until next week.

I am slowly pushing myself out of the house and back into life as I knew it. I feel different. I haven't figured out yet if that is good or a bad.

What was the topic that alluded me? It had something to do with visiting my friend. It was just within my fingertips. I had a title and I knew that the words would flow easily after I wrote it. Once I was fully conscious and awake I couldn't retrieve the information again. It was gone. It must have been a dream.

A Day Like Any Other. Before ...

I didn't have much contact with the outside world yesterday. No one called. I sent off one email. I wrote a letter. I made one (business) call.

I delivered flyers after the kids left ... but this is the first time in the past few weeks that I wasn't racing against the clock to get the job done because I had places to go and people to see.

I didn't go anywhere or see anyone at the day's end. It was a day just like any other day ... prior to the Christmas holidays.

There has been a sense of flurry of emotion and activity these past weeks. What I have felt has been nothing compared to that which my aunt's family must be going through since she walked into the hospital two weeks and two days ago ... and never came home.

It feels empty to walk through a day without purpose. It was a day like any other. Before ...

This is where the feeling of loss seeps into one's day-to-day world. Once the rest of the world carries on as it did before. Minus one.

Wake Me When it's Summer

I went to sleep with visions of our leaking roof on my mind. I slept in until the morning news came on the radio. Highway fatalities and a house fire started by a dryer in the basement were the lead stories.

Some days you just want to crawl up into a ball and hide under a blanket. Today feels like one of those days.

I want winter to be over so badly. It started too soon. I am cooped up in the house with small children. They scraped the ruts off of our streets and the overflow went onto the sidewalks. Now (alot) of our sidewalks are impossible to walk through with the stroller. My kids are too young to play out in the snow so all we can do is walk. Taking the stroller out in these conditions is a full body workout (I shouldn't complain).

Spring is bringing change into our world. The change will not happen without a lot of hard work and perseverance ... so I am fast forwarding to summer. I want spring to be over too, so that we can get to the good part. The part where we are not dealing with frozen ground, melting snow and mud.

I woke up Monday morning ready for the weekend. Who am I kidding?? It was the middle of last weekend when I openly admitted that I was anticipating the next upcoming weekend!

I am tired. I am so tired. I am just a little bit overwhelmed by life this morning. If I can just make it until nap time ... it will be okay.

Small steps. Forward steps. One step at a time.

Besides, there is a plus side to this winter weather. As long as it stays cold enough to keep the ice dam on our roof frozen, the roof won't leak. Now, if I just don't listen to the news and bury my head under the covers I should be able to keep this facade up until summer....