Our assignment in our 'Thought Patterns' class is to record 5 ways we have sabotaged our own success this week.
I was quite relieved that 5 things didn't immediately come to mind when we were handed this task. But self sabotage is something that I do to myself. More in the past than in the present ... but now that I've been conscious of it, I realize that I do it more than I thought.
I've started to feel much better about myself over the years. My self esteem is at a rather healthy (I think) spot right now. But I don't want people to think that I think I'm all that good. So I continually point out my flaws. I would rather be the one to point out what is wrong with me, than have someone draw it to my attention. So I continue to be hard on myself.
Then I started listening to 'Lou Tice' (he is the motivational speaker on the DVD's we watch in class and the CD's that we received at the onset of this class). He talks about self-correcting. A person has a certain belief within themselves and tend to limit their own success by believing they are only capable up to a self imposed limit.
I wonder if this is the reason I continually berate myself? Am I limiting my own potential? Hmmm ...
Dancing. This is another area where I believe I sabotage myself. I walked into my lesson Thursday night with all the right thought processes going through my mind. I know I have the ability to do this. I can. I will. I pictured it all in mind and believed it. Yet the reality was, that I made mistakes and did things I've never done before (not in amazing and wonderful ways ... in purely comedic and lack-of-ability ways). I thought about it when I got home. Am I having too much fun messing up? Am I doing this to myself?
Parenting is yet another issue for me. Granted, it is a learn-as-you-go position. The more I learned, the better (I believe) that I became as a parent. Yet ... my oldest son and I are talking in ways we have never talked in our lives. I am giddy with happiness that I feel that I am becoming closer to my son every time we talk. There is a connection that we've never experienced before. And what do I do when we are talking? I remind him of the parent that I wasn't for him, all of those years. There is a big part of me that simply wants him to know that I am aware of my many failings and I'm sorry. I can't undo our past, but I can't pretend it didn't happen either. But do I really have to remind him of it every time we talk? Am I living down to the parent I used to be?
Having a strong and vital relationships of the male/female variety is probably the one area that I struggle with the most in my life. I am completely content with my life as it is. I have no desire to draw anyone else into the life I'm living. I am living 'the good life' on my own. Yet ... I listen to what I say to people when I talk to them. I continually bring attention to the areas I am lacking in. It's like I'm saying 'Look at all I am not ... and help me believe it.' Is that a healthy way to portray myself, if I want to draw a positive person into my life?
Any time I am complimented, my internal voice is telling me 'but they don't know this about me' ... and I very often voice that thought. I can take a compliment as long as there is a 'but' attached to the end. As I surrounded myself with people I used to work with yesterday morning, I found myself swimming in compliments. I want to believe these things but I don't want it to go to my head. So I deflect many compliments. It's automatic. I know as far as I've come in my abilities and talents, I have just as much and more to go. The road to improvement is never ending. I don't ever want to think I've reached that illusive destination.
So yes ... in some ways, I will probably continue to sabotage my own success. I just hope that I keep resetting the bar and continue to grow.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
Thank You
Thank you. Those two words encompass almost 22 years of gratitude.
I moved to A New City on Dec 31st, 1987. I started working for the My Place of Employment one week later. Little did I know the impact that that Place of Employment and all the people I have crossed paths with along the way, would have on my life. As I sit here today and reflect on the years, I am in awe.
Thank you for hiring me. I was at a huge crossroad in my life when I packed up my young family and moved here. Having a job was crucial.
I moved here and knew very few people. The friends that I have made along the way can all be directly or indirectly linked to people that I met at work or because I was working. I’ll never forget the first people that took me under their wing and befriended me. And it only got better.
Every person that I have worked with has made a difference. People that I may have never uttered a word to … have made a difference. I have sat back and absorbed so much from so many. I have worked for and with an amazing group of people. I have admired so many and tried to adapt a little piece of everyone’s goodness into my being. I am a patchwork quilt of everyone I’ve met. Thank you for being part of my life and the person that I have become.
I was given many opportunities during my years at My Place of Employment. When I had the urge to challenge myself and the desire to learn … all I had to do was ask. I was directed toward the path of learning. As challenging as those correspondence courses were at times, they gave me the confidence and tools that I would need to keep growing. To think that My Place of Employment not only encouraged me along the way … but paid for it as well is a tremendous gift. Thank you for allowing and encouraging me to learn.
I have had some life changing times during these past 22 years. It seemed that every time that I needed a chance to regroup and take on a new direction, the ability to do so was provided through work.
The opportunity to move around to different branches and challenge myself in new and exciting (okay … honestly, they were quite scary at times) ways. Every frightening change that I made allowed me to grow. And to meet even more of our wonderful staff.
My maternity leave and the following year leave-of-absence gave me the opportunity to look at new options. Working from home was a high priority for me and thanks to that leave and having the security of knowing I had a back-up plan, I was given a golden opportunity. I could try.
When my year was up and I had to decide whether or not to return to work, I was given yet another golden opportunity. The ability to work one day a week. I had the best of both worlds. I was home all day and every day with my young son and a world surrounded by children as I ran my daycare. Then I had Saturday. A day among adults and a day to challenge my brain in bright and shiny new ways.
I was wearing thin after 9 years of the ‘Saturday only’ portion of my career. Then another (unbeknownst to me at the time) opportunity landed in my lap. Emergency hernia surgery. The best thing that happened to me in this decade. I couldn’t go to work the Saturday following my surgery. I knew it then, but was deathly afraid of admitting it. I couldn’t go back to working 6 days a week.
Once again, I was granted a leave of absence. One year. A year to decide where I was going from here. I knew that I had to find a way to work only 5 days a week. Whether it was working from home, running my daycare … or returning to My Place of Employment full time. I had a year to decide.
One never knows what will unfold in life. I went with the flow and as the year was drawing to a close, I knew the direction I wanted to take. I wanted to return to school to hone some skills that I hope to utilize in my next career-direction. Book-keeping from my home.
Today is formally my last day of work. I said good-bye to some old friends this morning and hello and good-bye to some friends I hadn’t yet met. As great as it was to be surrounded in what I have come to know and love about My Place of Employment (great people and a supportive staff) … I knew my time was up.
My years with My Place of Employment have given me so many opportunities. Opportunities to grow, learn, explore and try new options.
As I hear of some of the new challenges that everyone at work is now facing, I hope that there is a glimmer of the positive out there. I’ve never met a challenge that didn’t better me and change my life in a positive new direction. I just hope that everyone finds their ‘best life’ as they work through their own personal challenges. At work, at home or at play … there is just so much to explore.
When I look back on the years with My Place of Employment … I can honestly say that they changed me. I believe I’m a better person than I was when I walked through those doors on January 7, 1988.
Thank you.
I moved to A New City on Dec 31st, 1987. I started working for the My Place of Employment one week later. Little did I know the impact that that Place of Employment and all the people I have crossed paths with along the way, would have on my life. As I sit here today and reflect on the years, I am in awe.
Thank you for hiring me. I was at a huge crossroad in my life when I packed up my young family and moved here. Having a job was crucial.
I moved here and knew very few people. The friends that I have made along the way can all be directly or indirectly linked to people that I met at work or because I was working. I’ll never forget the first people that took me under their wing and befriended me. And it only got better.
Every person that I have worked with has made a difference. People that I may have never uttered a word to … have made a difference. I have sat back and absorbed so much from so many. I have worked for and with an amazing group of people. I have admired so many and tried to adapt a little piece of everyone’s goodness into my being. I am a patchwork quilt of everyone I’ve met. Thank you for being part of my life and the person that I have become.
I was given many opportunities during my years at My Place of Employment. When I had the urge to challenge myself and the desire to learn … all I had to do was ask. I was directed toward the path of learning. As challenging as those correspondence courses were at times, they gave me the confidence and tools that I would need to keep growing. To think that My Place of Employment not only encouraged me along the way … but paid for it as well is a tremendous gift. Thank you for allowing and encouraging me to learn.
I have had some life changing times during these past 22 years. It seemed that every time that I needed a chance to regroup and take on a new direction, the ability to do so was provided through work.
The opportunity to move around to different branches and challenge myself in new and exciting (okay … honestly, they were quite scary at times) ways. Every frightening change that I made allowed me to grow. And to meet even more of our wonderful staff.
My maternity leave and the following year leave-of-absence gave me the opportunity to look at new options. Working from home was a high priority for me and thanks to that leave and having the security of knowing I had a back-up plan, I was given a golden opportunity. I could try.
When my year was up and I had to decide whether or not to return to work, I was given yet another golden opportunity. The ability to work one day a week. I had the best of both worlds. I was home all day and every day with my young son and a world surrounded by children as I ran my daycare. Then I had Saturday. A day among adults and a day to challenge my brain in bright and shiny new ways.
I was wearing thin after 9 years of the ‘Saturday only’ portion of my career. Then another (unbeknownst to me at the time) opportunity landed in my lap. Emergency hernia surgery. The best thing that happened to me in this decade. I couldn’t go to work the Saturday following my surgery. I knew it then, but was deathly afraid of admitting it. I couldn’t go back to working 6 days a week.
Once again, I was granted a leave of absence. One year. A year to decide where I was going from here. I knew that I had to find a way to work only 5 days a week. Whether it was working from home, running my daycare … or returning to My Place of Employment full time. I had a year to decide.
One never knows what will unfold in life. I went with the flow and as the year was drawing to a close, I knew the direction I wanted to take. I wanted to return to school to hone some skills that I hope to utilize in my next career-direction. Book-keeping from my home.
Today is formally my last day of work. I said good-bye to some old friends this morning and hello and good-bye to some friends I hadn’t yet met. As great as it was to be surrounded in what I have come to know and love about My Place of Employment (great people and a supportive staff) … I knew my time was up.
My years with My Place of Employment have given me so many opportunities. Opportunities to grow, learn, explore and try new options.
As I hear of some of the new challenges that everyone at work is now facing, I hope that there is a glimmer of the positive out there. I’ve never met a challenge that didn’t better me and change my life in a positive new direction. I just hope that everyone finds their ‘best life’ as they work through their own personal challenges. At work, at home or at play … there is just so much to explore.
When I look back on the years with My Place of Employment … I can honestly say that they changed me. I believe I’m a better person than I was when I walked through those doors on January 7, 1988.
Thank you.
A Happy Heart
I love waking up like this. I'm excited about the day ahead of me, I'm fueled with a good nights sleep and the afterglow of my dance lesson last night. I wish I knew the recipe to feeling like this. The 'Thought Patterns ..." class that I am taking tells me that we are in control of creating these moments.
Forethought. Planning, visualizing and creating the day/life ahead of you. Work out a few Plan B, C and D's if 'Plan A' doesn't go according to plan.
I do that. I map out the days and have the ability to bounce back and redirect the day if things don't unfold as I expect.
But this happiness in my heart. This is what I love. This is the recipe that I want to patent. But what is it??
Is it putting that exam behind me this week? Facing up to and writing that exam took a huge weight off of my shoulders. That definitely helped.
Was it 'getting in the school spirit' and dressing up yesterday that added to my sense of fun? As I thought about that this morning, there was a day that I would have been embarrassed and completely consumed by the fact that there were only a few of us in the entire building that dressed up. But yesterday? I refused to pay attention to the fact (though I was quite relieved that I spend the vast majority of my day sitting at a computer desk where no one really noticed me).
Is it because my school week is behind me and I have today to myself, to tend to other matters? A day that starts out by dropping in at my old job and saying 'good-bye' to those that I worked with in another life. A day that I plan to work feverishly at my book-keeping so that I can free up my time this weekend. A day that has a million possibilities.
Or is it because my running around in the evenings is done for this week? The guilt that I carried with me as I ran here, there and everywhere took the enjoyment out of what should have been fun. My Youngest realizes that I feel badly about all of this gallivanting and every now and again he'll play his 'guilt card'. But no matter what he says or does, it is my internal guilt-meter that guides me. This week was too much. I'm glad it is behind me.
What were some of my first conscious thoughts that put the smile on my face? My dance lesson last night. I went into my lesson firmly believing that I was capable of performing my routines the way they were intended to be performed. My self-talk was all positive ("I can do this" "I know this" "I am capable"). I visualized it, I ran through my routines in my mind, I turned on my dance-music and tried getting my head in the 'zone' before I got there. It was going to be a lesson where everything went right.
The reality was quite the opposite. I even vocalized my positive-thought-process aloud and snapped myself on the wrist with the elastic band (from my "Thought Patterns ..." class - every time you have a negative thought, you pull the elastic and let it snap you out of that thought pattern). I did everything I could to turn things around.
Nothing worked. Is it because I was having too much fun just the way it was? We laugh. I simply cannot get enough laughter in my life. I live to laugh. And laugh we did. I would intend to be serious and focus on what I knew I could do. Then I would catch the expression of my instructors face, out of the corner of my eye. He was barely containing the laughter at times. And really ... why should he?
Laughter unleashed is one of the worlds best medicines.
I am convinced that my dance lessons provide me with what I need to face the world. I walk into the dance studio and I'm transformed. I walk out of the studio and I carry a piece of the dance-world with me for days on end.
I exclaimed "This is the highlight of my life ... and worth every penny!" when we were having a conversation about the high-cost-of-dancing before my lesson last night. And I meant every word of it.
My life is full of good things. Dancing is most definitely a highlight. But if the rest of my world was out of sync, even dancing couldn't provide all the answers.
Do I have the recipe for a happy heart? Not precisely. But a good balance of challenge, spirit, possibilities, letting go of the guilt and dancing worked miracles for me this week.
What resonates within me this morning, is the laughter from last night, the endless possibilities that lie in wait today and a weekend on the horizon where it's 'all about My Youngest'. Halloween is just an excuse, but he needs a little kid-fun in his life. And that ... is exactly what is on our agenda.
My heart is full this morning. I am content and happy. I wish I was a cat so that I could purr. The vibrations of a cat's purr is one of my favorite sensations. I hope that I can touch someone with the good vibes that are emanating from my soul this morning.
Happy Friday!!
Forethought. Planning, visualizing and creating the day/life ahead of you. Work out a few Plan B, C and D's if 'Plan A' doesn't go according to plan.
I do that. I map out the days and have the ability to bounce back and redirect the day if things don't unfold as I expect.
But this happiness in my heart. This is what I love. This is the recipe that I want to patent. But what is it??
Is it putting that exam behind me this week? Facing up to and writing that exam took a huge weight off of my shoulders. That definitely helped.
Was it 'getting in the school spirit' and dressing up yesterday that added to my sense of fun? As I thought about that this morning, there was a day that I would have been embarrassed and completely consumed by the fact that there were only a few of us in the entire building that dressed up. But yesterday? I refused to pay attention to the fact (though I was quite relieved that I spend the vast majority of my day sitting at a computer desk where no one really noticed me).
Is it because my school week is behind me and I have today to myself, to tend to other matters? A day that starts out by dropping in at my old job and saying 'good-bye' to those that I worked with in another life. A day that I plan to work feverishly at my book-keeping so that I can free up my time this weekend. A day that has a million possibilities.
Or is it because my running around in the evenings is done for this week? The guilt that I carried with me as I ran here, there and everywhere took the enjoyment out of what should have been fun. My Youngest realizes that I feel badly about all of this gallivanting and every now and again he'll play his 'guilt card'. But no matter what he says or does, it is my internal guilt-meter that guides me. This week was too much. I'm glad it is behind me.
What were some of my first conscious thoughts that put the smile on my face? My dance lesson last night. I went into my lesson firmly believing that I was capable of performing my routines the way they were intended to be performed. My self-talk was all positive ("I can do this" "I know this" "I am capable"). I visualized it, I ran through my routines in my mind, I turned on my dance-music and tried getting my head in the 'zone' before I got there. It was going to be a lesson where everything went right.
The reality was quite the opposite. I even vocalized my positive-thought-process aloud and snapped myself on the wrist with the elastic band (from my "Thought Patterns ..." class - every time you have a negative thought, you pull the elastic and let it snap you out of that thought pattern). I did everything I could to turn things around.
Nothing worked. Is it because I was having too much fun just the way it was? We laugh. I simply cannot get enough laughter in my life. I live to laugh. And laugh we did. I would intend to be serious and focus on what I knew I could do. Then I would catch the expression of my instructors face, out of the corner of my eye. He was barely containing the laughter at times. And really ... why should he?
Laughter unleashed is one of the worlds best medicines.
I am convinced that my dance lessons provide me with what I need to face the world. I walk into the dance studio and I'm transformed. I walk out of the studio and I carry a piece of the dance-world with me for days on end.
I exclaimed "This is the highlight of my life ... and worth every penny!" when we were having a conversation about the high-cost-of-dancing before my lesson last night. And I meant every word of it.
My life is full of good things. Dancing is most definitely a highlight. But if the rest of my world was out of sync, even dancing couldn't provide all the answers.
Do I have the recipe for a happy heart? Not precisely. But a good balance of challenge, spirit, possibilities, letting go of the guilt and dancing worked miracles for me this week.
What resonates within me this morning, is the laughter from last night, the endless possibilities that lie in wait today and a weekend on the horizon where it's 'all about My Youngest'. Halloween is just an excuse, but he needs a little kid-fun in his life. And that ... is exactly what is on our agenda.
My heart is full this morning. I am content and happy. I wish I was a cat so that I could purr. The vibrations of a cat's purr is one of my favorite sensations. I hope that I can touch someone with the good vibes that are emanating from my soul this morning.
Happy Friday!!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Spirit
It's 'School Spirit' this week at my school. I had intended on trying to participate but I got caught up in the rest of life and completely forgot about it until we were well under way with 'Super Hero Day'. The sad part is, that I didn't even realize that I had missed participating until I read a sign that reminded me. I'm not the only one who was lacking in spirit - as I looked around me, I couldn't find a soul that had dressed up for the occasion.
We had a school assembly yesterday and there was a grand total of three students, that had dressed up for the 70 - 80's day (that should have been easy for me ... all I'd have to do is look in my closet and I'm sure I could have come up with something horribly out of date). Retro is my look.
I'm rounding up some school spirit this morning and I've dressed up for the 'Really Formal Thursday'. The sad part is that I probably also qualify for the pajama-day, Super Hero day, 70/80's day and Hallowe'en costume - all wrapped up in one costume.
My dress is as comfortable as an old pair of pj's; the fact that I wore it 7 years ago speaks volumes for the fact that it must have looked better on my leaner/firmer body, so I feel as brave as a Super Hero by wearing it; the dress is so old that I'm sure it would have been fashionable in the 80's; and all I'd have to do is don my 'Miss Understood' sash and tiara and I'm set for Hallowe'en.
It's fun to get wrapped up in the spirit of an occasion. Whether it's school, work or play it brings out a different side of yourself when you dress to the occasion and join in on the fun.
We have several theme dances at the dance studio. As frightening as it is, to go out of your way to dress out of the ordinary it's amazing how fun it is to join in with those who have participated. You feel like a team member. You feel like you belong.
I love wrapping myself up in the spirit of an occasion. Why make it an occasion? Why don't I just immerse myself in the spirit of a regularly scheduled day?
We had a school assembly yesterday and there was a grand total of three students, that had dressed up for the 70 - 80's day (that should have been easy for me ... all I'd have to do is look in my closet and I'm sure I could have come up with something horribly out of date). Retro is my look.
I'm rounding up some school spirit this morning and I've dressed up for the 'Really Formal Thursday'. The sad part is that I probably also qualify for the pajama-day, Super Hero day, 70/80's day and Hallowe'en costume - all wrapped up in one costume.
My dress is as comfortable as an old pair of pj's; the fact that I wore it 7 years ago speaks volumes for the fact that it must have looked better on my leaner/firmer body, so I feel as brave as a Super Hero by wearing it; the dress is so old that I'm sure it would have been fashionable in the 80's; and all I'd have to do is don my 'Miss Understood' sash and tiara and I'm set for Hallowe'en.
It's fun to get wrapped up in the spirit of an occasion. Whether it's school, work or play it brings out a different side of yourself when you dress to the occasion and join in on the fun.
We have several theme dances at the dance studio. As frightening as it is, to go out of your way to dress out of the ordinary it's amazing how fun it is to join in with those who have participated. You feel like a team member. You feel like you belong.
I love wrapping myself up in the spirit of an occasion. Why make it an occasion? Why don't I just immerse myself in the spirit of a regularly scheduled day?
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
High Energy Day Wednesday
Wednesday seems to be 'my day'.
It's the day of the week where I don't feel as overwhelmed with expectations of myself. I've had 2 days to whittle away at the challenges of the week and I'm in the home stretch.
It's the day I return to the dance studio after a small hiatus from the prior week. As much as the upcoming dance showcase is draining my resources, being at the dance studio (dancing, surrounding myself with people who are there for the love of dance, laughing, moving to music and learning) fuels me.
Wednesday is the day that I feel in control of the week. My take-charge day.
Today, I plan to go to school and I'd love to take the exam I've been preparing for all week. I'm not sure if I'm ready, but I'll walk in the doors full of energy and confidence that I'll be ready to take that exam before I walk out of those doors today.
This afternoon, I plan to take control of the book keeping work that walked in my door Monday morning. I have the tools I need to complete the last job in the 'Pandora's Box' full of work that I opened a few weeks ago. I may not be able to complete this work today. But today is the day that I am going to control that work. It's not going to control me.
I have been out of the house too much lately. Last night, I had a nightmare that I had let My Youngest stay on his own all night. I need to be home more. Even though we don't spend our time side by side doing things together, there is a sense of security in knowing that we are under the same roof. Breathing the same air. A few steps away. My Youngest doesn't need much of me ... but he needs to know I'm here. I'm way out of my comfort zone with all the gallivanting that I've been doing lately. We are counting the days until our lives return to normal.
Today is the day. I need to make more days into high-energy-days. Wednesday just isn't enough!
It's the day of the week where I don't feel as overwhelmed with expectations of myself. I've had 2 days to whittle away at the challenges of the week and I'm in the home stretch.
It's the day I return to the dance studio after a small hiatus from the prior week. As much as the upcoming dance showcase is draining my resources, being at the dance studio (dancing, surrounding myself with people who are there for the love of dance, laughing, moving to music and learning) fuels me.
Wednesday is the day that I feel in control of the week. My take-charge day.
Today, I plan to go to school and I'd love to take the exam I've been preparing for all week. I'm not sure if I'm ready, but I'll walk in the doors full of energy and confidence that I'll be ready to take that exam before I walk out of those doors today.
This afternoon, I plan to take control of the book keeping work that walked in my door Monday morning. I have the tools I need to complete the last job in the 'Pandora's Box' full of work that I opened a few weeks ago. I may not be able to complete this work today. But today is the day that I am going to control that work. It's not going to control me.
I have been out of the house too much lately. Last night, I had a nightmare that I had let My Youngest stay on his own all night. I need to be home more. Even though we don't spend our time side by side doing things together, there is a sense of security in knowing that we are under the same roof. Breathing the same air. A few steps away. My Youngest doesn't need much of me ... but he needs to know I'm here. I'm way out of my comfort zone with all the gallivanting that I've been doing lately. We are counting the days until our lives return to normal.
Today is the day. I need to make more days into high-energy-days. Wednesday just isn't enough!
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
The Gift
Yesterday's post went on and on about the guilt I felt, after indulging myself in accepting a gift ...
I have a friend that is not only the most intuitive person I know, but she acts on many of her thoughts. I call her a mind reader but she insists that she is no different than anyone else. She is simply in tune to what she senses and acts accordingly.
Mine is not a hard mind to read. If it's not something that I am blatantly talking about ... just ask me. I'll tell you pretty much anything. But every once in a blue moon, I have thoughts that I keep to myself.
This is a friend that I would go to first. She is the easiest person in the world to talk to.
When I found myself pregnant and quite alone ... when I was ready to talk, I talked to her. She already knew (I think she knew before I did). She walked down that road with me when I was alone. She listened, she called and she kept me sane.
She was the one that was here for moral support when I struggled with the right-thing-to-do when my oldest son and I were having a lot of trouble.
She heard me out when my heart was broken.
Our friendship is more than me running to her when I have troubles (in fact, I don't think I've ever run to her ... she has simply been there). We have worked together and share that common ground. Our lives have led us in different directions, but we still connect. She listens a lot but says little about herself. At times I do question if the friendship is a little lop sided. I talk too much ... but yet, when I tentatively ask her a question there is reserve in her answers. So I respect that and I don't push too much.
That's the history ... now on with Sunday's gift:
My friend's phone call to invite me to come along to see 'A Chorus Line' with her, came out of the blue. She issued the invitation, instructed me to take 5 minutes to think about it and call back. Show time was in 2 hours.
I did wonder how she ended up with a spare ticket to see this show, but this particular friend is very lucky in some ways and she does often have these opportunities fall into her lap. My guess was, that she had won the tickets and the person she expected to go with couldn't make it at the last moment.
I was wrong.
Still reluctant to give me details, she eventually confessed that she knew this was the only way I would agree to go. If she had called and given me time to think about it, she knew that I would talk myself out of it (she is right).
Which brought me to the next question ... how in the world did she know that I wanted to go to this show?? She smiled and I believe she thought about keeping me guessing. But she had been in the dance studio and had been talking to the instructor that is teaching us the group formation dance. It came up in their conversation, that we were working with music from 'A Chorus Line' ... and she took it from there.
This was a gift that far exceeded the actual tickets (which was rather amazing unto itself). It is the gift of a friend who knows me so well, that she knew (without me saying a word) exactly what I wanted. She also knew (better than I did), the way in which I would follow my basic instincts and not allow guilt to talk me out of accepting it.
This friend is the true gift. How do you thank someone when the words ''Thank you" don't even come close to covering it?
I have a friend that is not only the most intuitive person I know, but she acts on many of her thoughts. I call her a mind reader but she insists that she is no different than anyone else. She is simply in tune to what she senses and acts accordingly.
Mine is not a hard mind to read. If it's not something that I am blatantly talking about ... just ask me. I'll tell you pretty much anything. But every once in a blue moon, I have thoughts that I keep to myself.
This is a friend that I would go to first. She is the easiest person in the world to talk to.
When I found myself pregnant and quite alone ... when I was ready to talk, I talked to her. She already knew (I think she knew before I did). She walked down that road with me when I was alone. She listened, she called and she kept me sane.
She was the one that was here for moral support when I struggled with the right-thing-to-do when my oldest son and I were having a lot of trouble.
She heard me out when my heart was broken.
Our friendship is more than me running to her when I have troubles (in fact, I don't think I've ever run to her ... she has simply been there). We have worked together and share that common ground. Our lives have led us in different directions, but we still connect. She listens a lot but says little about herself. At times I do question if the friendship is a little lop sided. I talk too much ... but yet, when I tentatively ask her a question there is reserve in her answers. So I respect that and I don't push too much.
That's the history ... now on with Sunday's gift:
My friend's phone call to invite me to come along to see 'A Chorus Line' with her, came out of the blue. She issued the invitation, instructed me to take 5 minutes to think about it and call back. Show time was in 2 hours.
I did wonder how she ended up with a spare ticket to see this show, but this particular friend is very lucky in some ways and she does often have these opportunities fall into her lap. My guess was, that she had won the tickets and the person she expected to go with couldn't make it at the last moment.
I was wrong.
Still reluctant to give me details, she eventually confessed that she knew this was the only way I would agree to go. If she had called and given me time to think about it, she knew that I would talk myself out of it (she is right).
Which brought me to the next question ... how in the world did she know that I wanted to go to this show?? She smiled and I believe she thought about keeping me guessing. But she had been in the dance studio and had been talking to the instructor that is teaching us the group formation dance. It came up in their conversation, that we were working with music from 'A Chorus Line' ... and she took it from there.
This was a gift that far exceeded the actual tickets (which was rather amazing unto itself). It is the gift of a friend who knows me so well, that she knew (without me saying a word) exactly what I wanted. She also knew (better than I did), the way in which I would follow my basic instincts and not allow guilt to talk me out of accepting it.
This friend is the true gift. How do you thank someone when the words ''Thank you" don't even come close to covering it?
Monday, October 26, 2009
Guilty Pleasures
I woke up with a heaviness in my heart this morning. There is only one word to describe it. Guilt.
Last night, I put myself first.
I've been taking a lot of liberties lately, in preparation for the upcoming dance showcase. Extra dance lessons, running around to find accessories and clothes for my costumes and a mind that is often drifting off into the dance world. Even when I'm home, I'm not here.
But as long as I race back home, I assuage my guilt by thinking 'I wasn't gone too long'.
Then there is my book keeping work. Work that I used to be able to squeeze (mostly) into the days so that there wasn't the appearance that I was always working. Now? The only time I can work, is during the evenings and weekends. We are 2 months into my schooling and My Youngest is already tired my endless work.
The next few weeks feel like they will be a whirlwind of activity. I am counting down the days to the dance showcase so that our lives can return to 'normal'. This pace isn't one I want to adopt into life as we know it. It's too much.
Then ... last night, a temptation too great to bear was placed right in front of me. And I couldn't resist.
With a 5 minute time limit to make my decision and two hours to show-time, I was offered 'the gift of a lifetime'. Something I had quietly wished for but hadn't voiced aloud, that I was hoping for.
Our group formation is performing a dance routine to the song 'One' from 'A Chorus Line'. Our instructor had wanted us to watch the movie to help us feel in character for this dance. As luck would have it, there was a live performance of 'A Chorus Line' here this past weekend. I looked at the price of the tickets and immediately vetoed the idea. There was a free chance to win tickets and I mailed off my entry. I thought 'if I'm meant to go ... I'll win' - I didn't win. So I was quite complacent about the whole thing. In fact, I forgot all about it.
At 5:20 last night, a friend called me and asked if I'd like to go. Show time was at 7:30. I had 5 minutes to make up my mind.
I wanted to go so badly. Number One son was over for supper but he immediately told me to go. He was tired and not feeling well. He said that he would have been leaving early anyway.
I didn't even want to ask My Youngest. I knew it was too much. But I did. And he agreed that he was fine with the idea. Guilt was with me right from the moment the invitation was issued. But I overrode it. I went.
It was great. I'm glad I went. In fact, I'd like to see the movie now because I was trying to absorb too much and I feel like I missed a lot.
But the overwhelming feeling that I had when I got home and most especially when I woke up this morning? Guilt.
Plain and simple. Guilt.
When I got home, My Youngest told me that he does want to see me go out and do things that I want to do. But he reminded me that I have been out an awful lot lately.
Guilty as charged. I will find a way to make this up to him. I don't know how. But I will. This weight in my chest is too much to bear. I need to stop my world and join his for a while.
He asks for so little. A small piece of my time now and then, is really all he wants. And he will eventually not even want that one day. I dare not miss the opportunity while I have it.
The wheels are turning. I have to find a way to make this right. I can't have fun at My Youngest Child's expense.
I put myself ahead of everyone else last night to enjoy a simple indulgence. But I'm paying the price this morning.
Guilty pleasures. Are they worth it?
Last night, I put myself first.
I've been taking a lot of liberties lately, in preparation for the upcoming dance showcase. Extra dance lessons, running around to find accessories and clothes for my costumes and a mind that is often drifting off into the dance world. Even when I'm home, I'm not here.
But as long as I race back home, I assuage my guilt by thinking 'I wasn't gone too long'.
Then there is my book keeping work. Work that I used to be able to squeeze (mostly) into the days so that there wasn't the appearance that I was always working. Now? The only time I can work, is during the evenings and weekends. We are 2 months into my schooling and My Youngest is already tired my endless work.
The next few weeks feel like they will be a whirlwind of activity. I am counting down the days to the dance showcase so that our lives can return to 'normal'. This pace isn't one I want to adopt into life as we know it. It's too much.
Then ... last night, a temptation too great to bear was placed right in front of me. And I couldn't resist.
With a 5 minute time limit to make my decision and two hours to show-time, I was offered 'the gift of a lifetime'. Something I had quietly wished for but hadn't voiced aloud, that I was hoping for.
Our group formation is performing a dance routine to the song 'One' from 'A Chorus Line'. Our instructor had wanted us to watch the movie to help us feel in character for this dance. As luck would have it, there was a live performance of 'A Chorus Line' here this past weekend. I looked at the price of the tickets and immediately vetoed the idea. There was a free chance to win tickets and I mailed off my entry. I thought 'if I'm meant to go ... I'll win' - I didn't win. So I was quite complacent about the whole thing. In fact, I forgot all about it.
At 5:20 last night, a friend called me and asked if I'd like to go. Show time was at 7:30. I had 5 minutes to make up my mind.
I wanted to go so badly. Number One son was over for supper but he immediately told me to go. He was tired and not feeling well. He said that he would have been leaving early anyway.
I didn't even want to ask My Youngest. I knew it was too much. But I did. And he agreed that he was fine with the idea. Guilt was with me right from the moment the invitation was issued. But I overrode it. I went.
It was great. I'm glad I went. In fact, I'd like to see the movie now because I was trying to absorb too much and I feel like I missed a lot.
But the overwhelming feeling that I had when I got home and most especially when I woke up this morning? Guilt.
Plain and simple. Guilt.
When I got home, My Youngest told me that he does want to see me go out and do things that I want to do. But he reminded me that I have been out an awful lot lately.
Guilty as charged. I will find a way to make this up to him. I don't know how. But I will. This weight in my chest is too much to bear. I need to stop my world and join his for a while.
He asks for so little. A small piece of my time now and then, is really all he wants. And he will eventually not even want that one day. I dare not miss the opportunity while I have it.
The wheels are turning. I have to find a way to make this right. I can't have fun at My Youngest Child's expense.
I put myself ahead of everyone else last night to enjoy a simple indulgence. But I'm paying the price this morning.
Guilty pleasures. Are they worth it?
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