Self Sabotage

Our assignment in our 'Thought Patterns' class is to record 5 ways we have sabotaged our own success this week.

I was quite relieved that 5 things didn't immediately come to mind when we were handed this task. But self sabotage is something that I do to myself. More in the past than in the present ... but now that I've been conscious of it, I realize that I do it more than I thought.

I've started to feel much better about myself over the years. My self esteem is at a rather healthy (I think) spot right now. But I don't want people to think that I think I'm all that good. So I continually point out my flaws. I would rather be the one to point out what is wrong with me, than have someone draw it to my attention. So I continue to be hard on myself.

Then I started listening to 'Lou Tice' (he is the motivational speaker on the DVD's we watch in class and the CD's that we received at the onset of this class). He talks about self-correcting. A person has a certain belief within themselves and tend to limit their own success by believing they are only capable up to a self imposed limit.

I wonder if this is the reason I continually berate myself? Am I limiting my own potential? Hmmm ...

Dancing. This is another area where I believe I sabotage myself. I walked into my lesson Thursday night with all the right thought processes going through my mind. I know I have the ability to do this. I can. I will. I pictured it all in mind and believed it. Yet the reality was, that I made mistakes and did things I've never done before (not in amazing and wonderful ways ... in purely comedic and lack-of-ability ways). I thought about it when I got home. Am I having too much fun messing up? Am I doing this to myself?

Parenting is yet another issue for me. Granted, it is a learn-as-you-go position. The more I learned, the better (I believe) that I became as a parent. Yet ... my oldest son and I are talking in ways we have never talked in our lives. I am giddy with happiness that I feel that I am becoming closer to my son every time we talk. There is a connection that we've never experienced before. And what do I do when we are talking? I remind him of the parent that I wasn't for him, all of those years. There is a big part of me that simply wants him to know that I am aware of my many failings and I'm sorry. I can't undo our past, but I can't pretend it didn't happen either. But do I really have to remind him of it every time we talk? Am I living down to the parent I used to be?

Having a strong and vital relationships of the male/female variety is probably the one area that I struggle with the most in my life. I am completely content with my life as it is. I have no desire to draw anyone else into the life I'm living. I am living 'the good life' on my own. Yet ... I listen to what I say to people when I talk to them. I continually bring attention to the areas I am lacking in. It's like I'm saying 'Look at all I am not ... and help me believe it.' Is that a healthy way to portray myself, if I want to draw a positive person into my life?

Any time I am complimented, my internal voice is telling me 'but they don't know this about me' ... and I very often voice that thought. I can take a compliment as long as there is a 'but' attached to the end. As I surrounded myself with people I used to work with yesterday morning, I found myself swimming in compliments. I want to believe these things but I don't want it to go to my head. So I deflect many compliments. It's automatic. I know as far as I've come in my abilities and talents, I have just as much and more to go. The road to improvement is never ending. I don't ever want to think I've reached that illusive destination.

So yes ... in some ways, I will probably continue to sabotage my own success. I just hope that I keep resetting the bar and continue to grow.