Too Much In My Mind

I knew my mind was busy, but it didn't really hit home until my dance lesson last night.

My head has been so wrapped up in the dance world lately. And it really came to a head, as I muddled my way through my lesson.

I know that I have so far to go in my routines before they are honed to a place they should be, to perform in a showcase. Instead of actually practising, I have been running through things in my mind. All the different things that I think that I should be worrying about.

Then there is the costuming. I've already written too much about that. But on Wednesday, I wore what I will be wearing for my costume in our group dance. I felt better on the dance floor and I thought maybe I was 'living up to' the costume? Or maybe it was the fact that I actually practised before I went to my lesson (I wouldn't realize that until my fiasco of a lesson last night).

Last night, I wore the pants that I will be wearing for one of my routines. I dressed myself up a little. There was a dance at the studio after my private lesson and I had a 'back up' Hallowe'en costume with me that would utilize what I had worn for my lesson. I thought that maybe the clothes would help me focus on my dancing and make me perform like I knew what I was doing.

Not.

First of all ... I (apparently) couldn't slow down. I thought I was. But I wasn't. Thankfully my dance instructor has a sense of humor and he made light of it, but it had to be frustrating beyond words for him to try to put my brakes on.

Then, came the dancing. I was so worried about the technical things that I should know by now, that I was messing up the simplest of things. Yes, I should be concerned. But did I really need to waste my instructors time with my ineptness? Why don't I just practise at home? I could concentrate on one thing at a time and take a little of that with me to my lesson.

Oh, we laughed. A lot. But after all was said and done, all I could think was: I'm sure (my instructor) has better ways to spend his time.

From my lesson, we went straight into a few group classes and then the group class melded right into the dance (one of my partners didn't realize that the dance had begun and we were halfway into the dance by then). It felt like one long dance lesson.

My head had no more room for information. My feet were beyond sore (they are still throbbing this morning).

No 'morning after' fuzzies from last night. I'm frustrated with myself. Time to stop worrying about what I'm wearing and start focusing on what I'm doing. Practise!!

Once again, I woke up with a head full of thoughts. I will be at home, doing book keeping today (I've fulfilled my school hour requirements for the week). My early morning dreams were based on how I can accomplish the task set out before me today. And finish the job that I've been working at (for almost 3 weeks). Then ... I have another task to work on, as soon as I rid myself of this one. Backlog. Lots of it.

Yikes.

What have I gotten myself into? Why can't I catch up? Why does every little task feel like too much?

I think that is why I've let my thoughts wander to dancing a lot lately. It is my happy place. No matter how inept I may be, I have fun. The laughter erases so much of the chaos in my mind. But the chaos in my mind is not helping me on the dance floor.

Maybe today, I can empty my house and brain of this monumental book keeping task that has been haunting me for far too long.

I need to clear out the clutter in my brain. I need to clear out the clutter in my house. I need to clear out the chaos. Period.

Is that too much to hope for in one day?