Guilty Pleasures

I woke up with a heaviness in my heart this morning. There is only one word to describe it. Guilt.
Last night, I put myself first.

I've been taking a lot of liberties lately, in preparation for the upcoming dance showcase. Extra dance lessons, running around to find accessories and clothes for my costumes and a mind that is often drifting off into the dance world. Even when I'm home, I'm not here.

But as long as I race back home, I assuage my guilt by thinking 'I wasn't gone too long'.

Then there is my book keeping work. Work that I used to be able to squeeze (mostly) into the days so that there wasn't the appearance that I was always working. Now? The only time I can work, is during the evenings and weekends. We are 2 months into my schooling and My Youngest is already tired my endless work.

The next few weeks feel like they will be a whirlwind of activity. I am counting down the days to the dance showcase so that our lives can return to 'normal'. This pace isn't one I want to adopt into life as we know it. It's too much.

Then ... last night, a temptation too great to bear was placed right in front of me. And I couldn't resist.

With a 5 minute time limit to make my decision and two hours to show-time, I was offered 'the gift of a lifetime'. Something I had quietly wished for but hadn't voiced aloud, that I was hoping for.

Our group formation is performing a dance routine to the song 'One' from 'A Chorus Line'. Our instructor had wanted us to watch the movie to help us feel in character for this dance. As luck would have it, there was a live performance of 'A Chorus Line' here this past weekend. I looked at the price of the tickets and immediately vetoed the idea. There was a free chance to win tickets and I mailed off my entry. I thought 'if I'm meant to go ... I'll win' - I didn't win. So I was quite complacent about the whole thing. In fact, I forgot all about it.

At 5:20 last night, a friend called me and asked if I'd like to go. Show time was at 7:30. I had 5 minutes to make up my mind.

I wanted to go so badly. Number One son was over for supper but he immediately told me to go. He was tired and not feeling well. He said that he would have been leaving early anyway.

I didn't even want to ask My Youngest. I knew it was too much. But I did. And he agreed that he was fine with the idea. Guilt was with me right from the moment the invitation was issued. But I overrode it. I went.

It was great. I'm glad I went. In fact, I'd like to see the movie now because I was trying to absorb too much and I feel like I missed a lot.

But the overwhelming feeling that I had when I got home and most especially when I woke up this morning? Guilt.

Plain and simple. Guilt.

When I got home, My Youngest told me that he does want to see me go out and do things that I want to do. But he reminded me that I have been out an awful lot lately.

Guilty as charged. I will find a way to make this up to him. I don't know how. But I will. This weight in my chest is too much to bear. I need to stop my world and join his for a while.

He asks for so little. A small piece of my time now and then, is really all he wants. And he will eventually not even want that one day. I dare not miss the opportunity while I have it.

The wheels are turning. I have to find a way to make this right. I can't have fun at My Youngest Child's expense.

I put myself ahead of everyone else last night to enjoy a simple indulgence. But I'm paying the price this morning.

Guilty pleasures. Are they worth it?