Regaining Control

I hate when too many things in my life feel like they are spinning out of control.

Lately, I have felt too many things slipping out of my hands. I keep blaming lack of time ... but I'm the only one who has placed too many burdens on myself. I am the one who is ultimately in control of the choices I make.

Work. It is a work ethic that I grew up watching, living and breathing. When there is work to be done ... do it. So I do. Yes, the pile is growing daily. I work through a box and get two more. I work through those two boxes and get another box and three more files to work on. Then there are the nine boxes in the kitchen just won't go away.

I talked to my 'boss' yesterday and told her that I can't keep this pace up. I explained that I realized that they aren't placing the pressure on me. I'm doing it myself. She whole heartedly agreed and told me to just take the time I need, when I need it. They know I will get the work done. But what did she do at the end of the day? She brought me another armload of work on top of what she had dropped off that morning.

I worked three hours on one file last night and called it a day. I still had time in the evening to take care of a few household tasks and time to sit and finish watching a movie with Kurt before he went to bed.

If I put a time limit on how much I do, will that work? If I put in more hours during the week, will I feel okay about taking a part (or an entire??) weekend off?

When the work doesn't end, where is the limit?

This overwhelming feeling is seeping into the rest of my life. I look at the house, errands, things that must be done and I whimper inside.

But this past weekend, I did one thing. I took care of the 'outside work' that needed to be tended before winter settles in. It took two hours. But simply putting that onerous task on my 'done' list energized me. Suddenly, I had more energy than before.

The past few evenings, I've done 'small stuff' around the house so that I don't have to worry about it the next morning. Those pesky little chores add to the clutter in my mind and I like keeping the 'counter top in my mind' free and clear of excess.

I woke up this morning with a minimal amount of tasks to tend. I can still see my book keeping work, from my peripheral view as I sit here and type.

At school, I'm winding up one more course and should be able to write an exam within a weeks time and get yet another course behind me. I'm wading through a course on 'Grammar Essentials for Business Writing' at the same time. Thankfully my exam dates will be staggered. I love the feeling that I have at school. A commitment of 20 hours per week. No evenings or weekends. Nothing comes 'home' with me. I have time to do all of my school work and studying within the confines of those time limits. It is perfect.

That is the pitfall of working from home. It lives with you. It stares you in the face and haunts you when you need to take some time off.

I believe that I need to make an office space within my home. I need to separate life from work. I need to draw some boundaries. I need to regain control.