It's Been a While

Today ... is mine.

I have put in my required school hours. I don't have any appointments, errands or running around to do. My (quick) half hour dance lesson for the week is behind me. The only thing I have on today's agenda is ... work.

Work and work alone. Nothing else that I'm trying to squeeze into the day. I can focus on the task at hand and go strong. All day.

I wonder how that will work for me?

I've become accustomed to being pulled in several different directions at the same time. I just sat down and looked at my calendar for the past few months. Ever since I stepped out of my Christmas holidays and into January, my life has been frenzied.

The preparations and alterations to my life during the month and a half prior to the dance competition were all consuming.

It's been a good ride. I can't wait for the next big adventure that Life has in store ...

Back in Montreal

A few days ago, I finally gathered up all of my memories of My Great Dance Adventure and put them all away. I had been home just over a week and I thought the time had come, to put the little pile of mementos away in my special memory box.

I tidied up the table tops and thought wistfully about the anticipation, the hype, the excitement, the wind-up, the reality, the wind-down of this whole experience. I believe that it was about the middle of December that this dream started becoming very real to me. February is almost drawing to a close. I have spent the better part of the past three months anticipating, living and reflecting on a dream. It has been heavenly.

I feel changed inside. Just because the mementos of the experience aren't in full view, it doesn't change a thing. There is this little piece of happy inside of me. I'm sure that I will be able to pull out this experience and relive it for decades to come. It's the magic of a first experience with a sprinkle of dancing and seasoned with a most wonderful group of people. Ahhh ...

I was ever so slowly drifting back into my regularly scheduled life. I'm winding up another course at school. I've been working at my book keeping regularly once again. I started cooking meals (finally). Real life was taking precedence in my thoughts.

Then ... I got yesterday's mail!

I saw a large envelope sticking out of the mailbox as I drove up the driveway. I thought "This is it! This could be my DVD of the dances that I danced in Montreal."

And it was.

I was so excited. Not only because I received this DVD ... but because a cheque spilled out of the envelope right along with it. A cheque that would cover half of the expense of getting my hair back to a shade that is a little less shocking. A cheque that I received because they didn't capture three of the dances that I had paid for (I was relieved that choice was taken out of my hands - I had no idea how to pick and choose which dances to tape, so I just chose all of them).

I watched that DVD over and over again. I was back in Montreal! I was reliving the moment. I would catch a glimpse of a look or an interaction between my dance instructor and myself and I'd remember a moment that I may have otherwise forgotten.

I picked myself apart. The very first thing I noticed was that my skimpy rhythm costume rode up much higher than I thought. I just wanted reach right through the screen and yank it down - no respectable 'person of my age' should be wearing such a short skirt!

Then I started watching my feet ... my arms ... my dance position ... and all of the many things we had worked on. I thought to myself "I don't think I learned a thing! It looks like I'm out there social dancing." It didn't look like I was performing in front of judges (my scores reflected that). But ... I was having fun.

Then ... the moment of truth. I noticed my hair.

The Man Who Knows All (the owner of the dance studio) was right. My hair looked (I'm only saying this because I had nothing to do with it) great!

The brilliant orange highlights were simply that - highlights. From the distance of the camera (and the judges), these highlights did as they were intended to do. They made my hair noticeable - but not gaudy. The cut? I have fought with this hair and cursed it every time I've washed it since this new style. It takes an extraordinary amount of time and energy to tame it down and this hair just makes me angry. But ... it looked perfect (again - this had nothing to do with me so I can be honest about what I think). The Man Who Knows All still holds that honor in my mind. He knew what he was talking about. I'm glad that I trusted him.

I spent last night 'in Montreal' and it was a very good visit. After I turned off the DVD, I turned on the theme song that I correlate with this whole event (I Gotta Feeling). I played it loud. I sang. I danced a little. I let the music into my soul. I felt everything wonderful ... all over again (and over and over and over, as I replayed this song enough times to drive the other members of my house insane).

It's nice when a little piece of wonderful is rekindled. I have no doubt that these memories will remain my the 'Top 10' for a very, very long time.

If ever my life flashes before me ... what will I see? My kids ... my family ... my friends ... and dancing.

I Am Puppy ... Hear Me Bark!

It came to me out of the blue today. I remind myself of a puppy ...

First and formost, I'm kind of yappy. I listen to myself chattering incessently. Once the momentum starts, I have a hard time stopping. I'm sure that those who spend much time around me would love to muzzle me at times.

I love to have the people around me happy. I often find myself wishing that I could do more to make someone else's pain or stress go away. Though there is little that I can do (more often than not), I do what I can. And it's never enough. I wish I could wag my little puppy tail and take away someone else's woes.

I run around in circles until I'm exhausted. The energy and exhaustion comes in bits and bites. I have too much energy at times and it needs to be harnessed. Then ... I sit still and I'm down for the count.

I am loyal and trusting. I trust people until they give me reason not to. Then even if they do something that threatens the trust factor and they are sincere in their apology, I forgive and carry on.

I am protective. Don't threaten my family or you will hear me growl. I've never been pushed to my limits, but there have been times when it has been close. There is nothing that I wouldn't do, to protect my pack.

I need only the basics in life. Food, water, sleep and to be loved. Feed me and nurture me and I'm your loyal pal.

But ... I'm fussier than a puppy. I'm a pretty fussy carnivore (I like my meat lean, well cooked and without bones).

I guess that is where the similarities end. But I don't mind having a few puppy qualities. If only I wasn't so yappy ...

Ruff! Ruff!

On Dating

I could probably count on one hand, the number of times that I have been actually asked out ... on a date.

My two, teen-age romances happened only because I 'came in second' to my best friend. The boys were after her ... and after she became unavailable, I was left over. Or that is how it felt anyway.

I'm not complaining. I went out with a very nice young guy who moved away. I married the second and we had two children together. Not a bad deal for coming in second. I came in first in the end ... because I gained two sons.

Our marriage was an on again, off again type of relationship. Married a year; divorced a year; remarried two years; separated two years; reconciled three years and that was it. Three strikes, you're out.

In those 'off' years, I was asked out on possibly three dates. I'm thinking that my last official date may have been ... 27 years ago? I could be wrong. But it is close to three decades ago.

The only relationship that I have had since my marriage ended, never had that pivotal dating moment. We coffee'd together for months on end, we became friends, we did things with our kids together and we went for walks. One day, things sparked ... and the rest is history. But never was there that 'first date' moment. That was okay. Actually, it was perfect. Because what we had, was friendship first.

That relationship was also one of an on again, off again variety. During the 'off' times, I heard rumors of two different men that were interested in me. I was never approached, so nothing ever transpired. But I couldn't believe how good it felt ... just to be noticed. That feeling carried me through a lot of quiet times in my life.

I have been on my own for several years once again. I've become incredibly comfortable in this 'life as I know it'. It fits. It feels right. Certainly, I wonder at times what it may be like to be part of a relationship again. But for the most part, I don't even think about it. I am living a life that I love. A life that doesn't have a lot of empty space in it, to spend the time it takes to work on making a relationship work.

Why do I write all of this? Because ... I was asked out on a date last week. I replayed the conversation in my mind, because I was quite certain that I had misinterpreted the intent. But no ... there was no mistaking it. It was a request to spend time with me.

My reaction? I don't have time for this. I have a young child at home. I need to be home early and not go out any more than I already do.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

But, a week has passed since I was approached on this whole 'date' thing. And I thought that something just feels off ...

The idea that someone who has spoken to me twice (including the date request), would ask me out somehow doesn't feel right.

Our conversations consisted of me speaking ... about dancing. Nothing more. His request was for me to teach him to dance. He commented that it is very hard to meet new people. On that, I do tend to agree.

But I'm feeling very greedy right now. I don't want to spend my energy on getting to know someone who is a stranger to me. I don't want to 'teach' someone. I don't want anything less than an equal partnership.

I look at my life and the people in it. My life is still busy. My friends and family inspire me. My time at the dance studio is nothing less than tonic for my soul. I find myself gravitating towards people that energize me. By their thinking, their actions, their honesty and their ability to laugh.

Would I look twice at a 'friendship that caught fire'? Definitely. Would I consider getting to know someone who made me laugh? For sure. Would I think about dating someone who was an equal partner in a conversation ... a conversation that made my knees shake? Yes.

But to spend energy on going out with someone who is a complete and total stranger to me? It frightens me. That was my first instinct and I believe it was a good one.

I'm grateful to be noticed, but I'm getting fussy in my old age. I may spend my years alone ... but I will never be lonely.

Returning to Life as I Know It

It has been a glorious ride. These past months of anticipating this Great Dance Adventure have been as marvelous as The Adventure itself. There is not a moment that I would change.

I love the fact that I can relive the moments each and every time I talk about the events of the past few weeks. This adventure had so very little to do with travelling and vacation destinations. It had everything to do with the people that I kept company with.

The very best thing about making people such an integral part of the memory, is that I get to 'keep' those people in my life.

The changes to our day to day lives upon our return is unchanged for the most part. A lot of the people that went along on this Adventure with me, are people that I don't see on a regular basis at the dance studio. But I know that I am a little bit changed inside, because I got to know a small piece about these people. This is a gift that I could pack up and take home with me.

When our paths cross again (and I know that they will), we will have a connection that we didn't have before. A shared experience. A memory of a time that was out of the ordinary.

As I walk through my regularly scheduled life, I am changed. Ever so slightly. I have something special in my memory bank and will propel myself forward from here.

I must return to the books, kids, house keeping and errand running. And dancing. It may only be a fraction of the time that I will be spending at the studio compared to the extra lessons I took in preparation for The Big Event. But I shall continue to dance.

Every time I dance ... every time I hear a song that reminds me of time well spent on the Greatest Adventure of My Life So Far ... I will feel the feelings that I felt while I was living my dream.

Life as I know it is good. In fact, I think it's even a little better than it was before this memory making experience ...

And On the Fifth Day ...

I have been back home for four full days. Today, the fifth day, I finally feel like I'm ready to step back into my regularly scheduled life.

But the four days prior?? Not so much.

The first day was complete and utter distraction. I would start to do one thing. It would branch off to four different things that I thought of, while I was doing the first. Then the four new tasks would multiply into 16. I was spinning in circles. Never quite finishing one task in its entirety. My body couldn't catch up with my brain. But it kept me moving.

The second and third day were tough. I had to return to school. Omigosh. Reading a thick manual on customer service when the exhaustion levels were just starting to peak, was not high on my priority list. But there I was. At school. Fighting with every cell in my body, to simply stay awake.

I came home from school and the exhaustion took over. I sat down to read a book but I don't think that I ever turned a page. I was tired beyond words.

The evening of the third day was my dance lesson. CPR for my soul!! My instructor asked my to bring/wear my new ball gown ... I bought a ball gown while in Montreal ... tres (French for 'very') exciting!!

My dance lesson was fun in every sense of the word. We danced, we laughed and we are working on our next routine. I was revived!!

My lesson was followed by a few group classes and then a dance. As we grouped together in conversation from time to time, I was quietly amazed to find myself standing in the middle of a small group of people. Fitting in. Talking. Feeling comfortable. I quite often sit and talk to whoever may come and go in the chairs beside me. But Thursday night ... I was standing. I was becoming 'part of a whole'. It was small. It was wonderful.

Then they played 'The Song'. The song that resonates within, long after the thrill of the dance competition is behind me. 'I Gotta Feeling' was playing in our dance studio. I was dancing with my instructor. The music seeped into my soul ... and I got to dance to my new favorite theme song! Life just doesn't get any better than that!!

All good things must come to an end. I had to return to my regularly scheduled life after Thursday's dance.

Friday - the last day of the work week. One more morning of school. One more afternoon with my daycare child. The day that I give my house a decent cleaning before the weekend. A day that I finally had the courage to face up to some of the book keeping work that has been walking through my door each day this week. Time to face the music and do a little work. I was (finally) ready for it.

My Youngest has been taking over a great deal of my daycare load lately. First, he took over before and after school care for one child, while I was gone last week. Then upon my return, he took over the morning shift (tending this same child) so that I could put in my required school hours.

It was too much. By the second last day, My Youngest was tiring. By yesterday ... he was done. I had no choice - I really had to get my school hours in. I wanted to be at school as much as My Youngest wanted to be tending a young child. But we endured.

Thankfully, yesterday provided an opportunity for My Youngest to finally feel like he was on a school break. He had a friend over all afternoon. His friend stayed and we went to a movie last night. We picked up supper on the way home. I suggested that his friend sleep over. After all of the hours that My Youngest put in, so that I could take off on my Dream Vacation (and then deal with school upon my return), I was so grateful that we had the chance to do something a little bit out of the ordinary for him.

Today, the fifth day ... I finally feel ready to face my world. A day that doesn't consist of anything but the book keeping work that I have been avoiding all week. A day that can unfold without the responsibilities of school or daycare obligations. A day that My Youngest can just relax and be a child again.

And on the fifth day ... I worked (and I saw that it was good).

Adversity

"Adversity has the effect of eliciting talents which, in prosperous circumstances, would have lain dormant."
~Horace (Quintus Horatius Flaccus), Satires

I look back on the challenges in my life ... and I'm grateful. Each and every adversity has molded my personality, made me stronger and more empathetic to those around me.

It's hard to be grateful for adversity when you are in the thick of it. But when the crisis has passed ... one can almost always look back and find something that they have gained by enduring the unthinkable.

I have family and friends that are facing their own adversities right now. The crisis may have passed, but they are still living each day as it comes. There is much healing required.

There is a quote that comes to mind when life happens like this. Simple words said by a strong but mighty soul that I worked with once upon a time. She had faced one personal crisis after the next. Then her dad died. She stood tall and was trying to be brave and she uttered the words, "I know that God only gives us what we can handle .... but I just wish that He didn't think that I was so strong!"

The sun keeps rising on each new day. I hope that those facing the storms of life right now will soon be able to look back at this time and find a talent, a gift, an appreciation or a blessing that would have remained dormant had they not been faced with adversity ...