This time I knew in advance that I would be leaving. I never did completely unpack my suitcase and I've been adding to it all week.
As it stands, my suitcase is full of miscellaneous items to occupy my time in the quietness of Mom's home. I packed a book. I haven't read a book in eons! I picked up a few cheap movies (chick flicks) - light and easy entertainment value. The past 2 weeks of Sunday papers (I haven't had time to read them or do the crossword puzzles). A writing pad and pen.
Oh ... how I wish I was packing a lap top. Oh well. It's good for me to be unconnected for a little while so that I have a chance to appreciate the finer parts of life-without-an-Internet-connection.
What is not in my suitcase? Clothes. Why? Because our two week old drier quit last night shortly after I loaded it with a load of clothes.
Wet clothes (in the washing machine) was my only issue when we made our last minute trip the last time. Wet clothes (in a broken drier) is once again my only issue. Even when I plan in advance, wet clothes seem to be my nemesis. What is the lesson here? I don't know yet. Certainly there is something to be learned. Just buy new clothes perhaps??
I have accomplished a lot with the four days that I have been home. I hope that I feel that same sense of accomplishment after a week out at Mom's.
I'm on a mission. We are in search of answers to questions and solutions to whatever the doctors may uncover. I know that this is out of my hands, but I will do my best. I will taxi Mom around the city to her various appointments and hopefully we will find some answers on our travels.
I guess this means radio silence for a while as I go and fulfill the role of "Driving Miss Margaret" around her fair city. I do believe that she wished for a chauffeur that lived in her garage and simply came a-running when she needed them. Since it is still pretty chilly outside, I do hope that indoor accommodations will be provided.
I jest, of course. I'm actually looking forward to the honor of having this week with Mom. I know that it will be a week to remember.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
My Dad
I have been thinking about Dad a lot lately. Much of my thinking has been spurred on because of our concern with Mom's health.
Almost 28 years ago to the day that Dad suffered a heart attack that changed life as we knew it, Mom had a 'spell' that has led us down the path that we have been walking the past few weeks. When I called my sister to talk with her about Mom, I couldn't shake the feeling that this time was 'different'.
My emotions have been all over the map. Me, the stoic one who doesn't cry. Tears come at the drop of a hat lately. I will be driving along and there I go again.
The rational part of my brain is fine. I know that we are doing all that we can do to try and find solutions so that Mom can continue to live in her home. A home that stands for so much more than shelter from the elements. She has put her heart and soul into her home. Memories of family gatherings emanate from those walls. Home is where she wants to be ...
We felt helpless to help Dad when he became ill and returning home was not even a consideration. In all reality, he should have died in his home. He did die. His heart stopped beating for 15 minutes. But he was revived and his brain did not survive fully intact. We lost our dad that night ...
Mom has told us on numerous occasions that she does not want heroic measures taken if it comes down to a situation such as we lived with Dad. When she talks of people that she has known well, that have died in their homes ... died as they lived ... we hear her. This is what she wants. She wants to remain in her home.
I want what Mom wants. If she wants to live independently in her home, that is what we must fight for. I fully understand that she is aging and with that, comes limitations. The fact that her health is deteriorating is something that I comprehend.
But it is a symptom that is threatening her desire to continue to live an independent life. A symptom that is telling us that there is an underlying cause, that has been swept under the carpet for ten months that has me wanting to put up the good fight and fight for what Mom wants. Let's fix this one thing ....
Emotionally, I am not that strong. I understand that life does not always go as we hope. I know that life and death is a day to day reality and we can lose what we take for granted in the blink of an eye. Emotionally ... I am scared and I felt like a young child when we spoke with Mom's doctor and basically said, "She is strong and vital. She is worth fixing!!"
My mind keeps being drawn back to Dad. I wish I would have fought harder, been more and done more after he became confined to a life that he never wanted to live. Life without living is not what we want. We didn't ever want that for our dad and we most definitely don't want that for Mom.
She's a feisty one and takes a lot of pride in her strengths. If she wants to live at home, I'm willing to help her fight the fight and make that her reality.
Dad, sometimes I feel your quiet, gentle hand on my shoulder. When the road becomes a little frightening to travel, I never feel alone. When little things go right, I like to believe that I have my own personal angel helping little miracles happen. When my heart is happy and full whenever I am in the home that you and Mom made for us, you are always with me. When I let myself believe that 'whatever will be, will be' and we truly have little control over such matters ... I hope that Mom also feels that presence and you are quietly walking by her side when she feels alone.
Dad, you would be so proud of your family. We are strong and united no matter what life throws at us. We have rallied the troups and been there whenever we felt we were needed. The bond between us is strong and unshakeable. You and Mom have created something magical and special. As the phone continues to ring at Mom's house, with family members checking in and asking if they can come out to see her ... it is plain to see that this miracle of family that we share is being passed down through the generations.
Dad, please walk at Mom's side and comfort her in a way that we cannot. She's strong and appears to be invincible ... but she is only human. I wish you were here right now, but even if all you can do, is to continue to guide us down a road that is new to us, I would be eternally grateful.
Almost 28 years ago to the day that Dad suffered a heart attack that changed life as we knew it, Mom had a 'spell' that has led us down the path that we have been walking the past few weeks. When I called my sister to talk with her about Mom, I couldn't shake the feeling that this time was 'different'.
My emotions have been all over the map. Me, the stoic one who doesn't cry. Tears come at the drop of a hat lately. I will be driving along and there I go again.
The rational part of my brain is fine. I know that we are doing all that we can do to try and find solutions so that Mom can continue to live in her home. A home that stands for so much more than shelter from the elements. She has put her heart and soul into her home. Memories of family gatherings emanate from those walls. Home is where she wants to be ...
We felt helpless to help Dad when he became ill and returning home was not even a consideration. In all reality, he should have died in his home. He did die. His heart stopped beating for 15 minutes. But he was revived and his brain did not survive fully intact. We lost our dad that night ...
Mom has told us on numerous occasions that she does not want heroic measures taken if it comes down to a situation such as we lived with Dad. When she talks of people that she has known well, that have died in their homes ... died as they lived ... we hear her. This is what she wants. She wants to remain in her home.
I want what Mom wants. If she wants to live independently in her home, that is what we must fight for. I fully understand that she is aging and with that, comes limitations. The fact that her health is deteriorating is something that I comprehend.
But it is a symptom that is threatening her desire to continue to live an independent life. A symptom that is telling us that there is an underlying cause, that has been swept under the carpet for ten months that has me wanting to put up the good fight and fight for what Mom wants. Let's fix this one thing ....
Emotionally, I am not that strong. I understand that life does not always go as we hope. I know that life and death is a day to day reality and we can lose what we take for granted in the blink of an eye. Emotionally ... I am scared and I felt like a young child when we spoke with Mom's doctor and basically said, "She is strong and vital. She is worth fixing!!"
My mind keeps being drawn back to Dad. I wish I would have fought harder, been more and done more after he became confined to a life that he never wanted to live. Life without living is not what we want. We didn't ever want that for our dad and we most definitely don't want that for Mom.
She's a feisty one and takes a lot of pride in her strengths. If she wants to live at home, I'm willing to help her fight the fight and make that her reality.
Dad, sometimes I feel your quiet, gentle hand on my shoulder. When the road becomes a little frightening to travel, I never feel alone. When little things go right, I like to believe that I have my own personal angel helping little miracles happen. When my heart is happy and full whenever I am in the home that you and Mom made for us, you are always with me. When I let myself believe that 'whatever will be, will be' and we truly have little control over such matters ... I hope that Mom also feels that presence and you are quietly walking by her side when she feels alone.
Dad, you would be so proud of your family. We are strong and united no matter what life throws at us. We have rallied the troups and been there whenever we felt we were needed. The bond between us is strong and unshakeable. You and Mom have created something magical and special. As the phone continues to ring at Mom's house, with family members checking in and asking if they can come out to see her ... it is plain to see that this miracle of family that we share is being passed down through the generations.
Dad, please walk at Mom's side and comfort her in a way that we cannot. She's strong and appears to be invincible ... but she is only human. I wish you were here right now, but even if all you can do, is to continue to guide us down a road that is new to us, I would be eternally grateful.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Word Soup
I tried to sit down to write a blog post yesterday and the words didn't come. The words "Breathe In ... Breathe Out" were all I could come up with. So I deleted it and continued to 'breathe' throughout the day.
Life as I knew it was waiting for me upon my arrival home on Sunday. There is nothing wrong with that, because my life is very good. But work issues that had come to the surface before I left were waiting for me the next morning.
Monday was a day of transition. I needed to be home and become grounded. I needed to feel in control of my destiny that day. So even though I was well aware that my boss wanted me to do my work at the shop, I packed it in and did it at home. When I was ready. I wasn't ready until 8:00 p.m. ... but I completed the task at hand (as well as a few of my own need-to-do chores).
Yesterday (Tuesday) morning was rough. I woke up with an overwhelming list of work issues at the tip of my consciousness. I sat down and wrote. As usual, putting words to the page (or computer screen) is therapy for me. I release the words, they come to life on the page and things become more manageable when the emotions behind the words are released.
I completely forgot that I had an appointment to donate blood at 8:00 a.m., so I raced out the door at 7:50 a.m. and left my 'words' at home (initially I had thought that I would print off the letter to my bosses and hand it to them). As life threw me a curve ball that I should have been expecting, I quickly realized that those words needed time to breathe. 'Life' saved me from reacting too quickly.
I need to take time to take a breath before I react. Lately, I seem to go to sleep with issues on my mind. When I wake up the next morning, I feel ready to confront them head on. But I must realize that perhaps I should simply vent quietly and privately before I take the final step and put a voice to my thoughts. Yesterday, 'life' saved me from myself. The issues are still valid. But I need to delete the emotion from my letter-to-my-bosses.
As I tried to write about this (in the form of a blog post) yesterday afternoon, the words in my head started swirling around and I couldn't put them together coherently. This morning, I am putting together the 'word soup' that I started preparing yesterday. Hopefully it is more palatable after waiting a day.
Life as I knew it was waiting for me upon my arrival home on Sunday. There is nothing wrong with that, because my life is very good. But work issues that had come to the surface before I left were waiting for me the next morning.
Monday was a day of transition. I needed to be home and become grounded. I needed to feel in control of my destiny that day. So even though I was well aware that my boss wanted me to do my work at the shop, I packed it in and did it at home. When I was ready. I wasn't ready until 8:00 p.m. ... but I completed the task at hand (as well as a few of my own need-to-do chores).
Yesterday (Tuesday) morning was rough. I woke up with an overwhelming list of work issues at the tip of my consciousness. I sat down and wrote. As usual, putting words to the page (or computer screen) is therapy for me. I release the words, they come to life on the page and things become more manageable when the emotions behind the words are released.
I completely forgot that I had an appointment to donate blood at 8:00 a.m., so I raced out the door at 7:50 a.m. and left my 'words' at home (initially I had thought that I would print off the letter to my bosses and hand it to them). As life threw me a curve ball that I should have been expecting, I quickly realized that those words needed time to breathe. 'Life' saved me from reacting too quickly.
I need to take time to take a breath before I react. Lately, I seem to go to sleep with issues on my mind. When I wake up the next morning, I feel ready to confront them head on. But I must realize that perhaps I should simply vent quietly and privately before I take the final step and put a voice to my thoughts. Yesterday, 'life' saved me from myself. The issues are still valid. But I need to delete the emotion from my letter-to-my-bosses.
As I tried to write about this (in the form of a blog post) yesterday afternoon, the words in my head started swirling around and I couldn't put them together coherently. This morning, I am putting together the 'word soup' that I started preparing yesterday. Hopefully it is more palatable after waiting a day.
Monday, March 21, 2011
We Have Two Small Requests ...
"I lied. I'm not ready. I'm packed and ready to go at a moment's notice. But I'm not ready."
I had barely hit the "Publish Post" button of my last blog entry when the phone rang. It was my brother. Mom was on the way to the hospital by ambulance as we spoke.
When I headed out to meet up with My Oldest Sister so that we could travel the rest of the five hour trip together, I had no idea where that old familiar highway would take us.
Within two hours of my brother's initial call, he phoned again. I knew that the phone would not ring if it was bad news. And I was right. Mom was sitting up in her hospital bed and My Brother said "If she could get to the phone right now, she'd tell you to turn around and go home". I'm glad we were already headed in her direction.
Mom was home long before we arrived. The past week had taken a toll, but she was home (where I'm quite sure that she wanted to be). All of us were exactly where we wanted to be - together.
Things feel stabilized for the moment. Tests have been ordered, appointments are scheduled and now it is a bit of a waiting game.
My Other Sister met many friends on her solo trip (by bus) to go to Mom's last Sunday. One of those friends was speaking of the miracle of prayer (there is an entire back story and not quite as somber as the preceding phrase would allude to) and that you must be very specific in your requests.
Our request is simple. Not only do we hope that they soon find the root of this health issue for Mom ... but we ask that whatever they may find, may be fixable.
I feel like a young, naive child again when I implore to the skies above, "Just fix her ... she is worth fixing!"
So we are doing what we can, as we wait. We are not only asking for answers ... but we are hoping the answers lead us to solutions.
I had barely hit the "Publish Post" button of my last blog entry when the phone rang. It was my brother. Mom was on the way to the hospital by ambulance as we spoke.
When I headed out to meet up with My Oldest Sister so that we could travel the rest of the five hour trip together, I had no idea where that old familiar highway would take us.
Within two hours of my brother's initial call, he phoned again. I knew that the phone would not ring if it was bad news. And I was right. Mom was sitting up in her hospital bed and My Brother said "If she could get to the phone right now, she'd tell you to turn around and go home". I'm glad we were already headed in her direction.
Mom was home long before we arrived. The past week had taken a toll, but she was home (where I'm quite sure that she wanted to be). All of us were exactly where we wanted to be - together.
Things feel stabilized for the moment. Tests have been ordered, appointments are scheduled and now it is a bit of a waiting game.
My Other Sister met many friends on her solo trip (by bus) to go to Mom's last Sunday. One of those friends was speaking of the miracle of prayer (there is an entire back story and not quite as somber as the preceding phrase would allude to) and that you must be very specific in your requests.
Our request is simple. Not only do we hope that they soon find the root of this health issue for Mom ... but we ask that whatever they may find, may be fixable.
I feel like a young, naive child again when I implore to the skies above, "Just fix her ... she is worth fixing!"
So we are doing what we can, as we wait. We are not only asking for answers ... but we are hoping the answers lead us to solutions.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Change
The more things change ... the more I remember how much I don't enjoy the transition.
When we had to get a new hard drive on the computer a few weeks ago, it took me three hours to get things back to where they were before our computer breakdown. There are still a few things that I can't get back to normal and it's slightly annoying to me.
We replaced our dryer last week. We ended up getting one with the lint tray on the top of the dryer. I hate it. It's messy, awkward and annoying. I liked our old dryer.
Then the slide out drawer on our computer desk broke. I could have easily lived with the desk as it was, but my kind son replaced it yesterday. It's a beautiful desk and I'm quite certain that if I'd been the one out shopping, that it is one that I would have chosen. But it doesn't have a drawer or a few of the handy dandy features of our old one. I like it. But I liked the old one better.
Work. I can't even go there. Expectations changed without warning. I am struggling through and trying to find the silver lining. But I liked it the way it was before. Lack of hours or not ... it was something that I could deal with, when I was working out of my home. If I must work outside of these four walls, this is not a place that I would choose to work.
Overall, life-as-I-know it is very good. I see the possibility of that changing and it frightens me. I hope that the fear doesn't sabotage the potential for what lies ahead. I will breathe deeply, tread slowly, talk my way through this ... and see where it goes.
Then there is my mom. My strong, vital, healthy, feisty mom. Her health is a great concern to us right now. I told my sister "It is different this time". I tried to talk myself out of it but I couldn't. Emotions overwhelmed and enveloped me at the thought of what lies ahead.
I reread yesterday's post at the end of my day and it left me feeling quite unsettled. "Whether it is good or bad ... surprise me. I'm ready. Bring it on!!"
I lied. I'm not ready. I'm packed and ready to go at a moment's notice. But I'm not ready.
Change is inevitable. The transition period is tough. Usually the end result is worth the struggle. But sometimes ... I just want to fix what works for me and forge ahead with new 30 day guarantee ... renew and replace as necessary. But please don't take away what works for me.
When we had to get a new hard drive on the computer a few weeks ago, it took me three hours to get things back to where they were before our computer breakdown. There are still a few things that I can't get back to normal and it's slightly annoying to me.
We replaced our dryer last week. We ended up getting one with the lint tray on the top of the dryer. I hate it. It's messy, awkward and annoying. I liked our old dryer.
Then the slide out drawer on our computer desk broke. I could have easily lived with the desk as it was, but my kind son replaced it yesterday. It's a beautiful desk and I'm quite certain that if I'd been the one out shopping, that it is one that I would have chosen. But it doesn't have a drawer or a few of the handy dandy features of our old one. I like it. But I liked the old one better.
Work. I can't even go there. Expectations changed without warning. I am struggling through and trying to find the silver lining. But I liked it the way it was before. Lack of hours or not ... it was something that I could deal with, when I was working out of my home. If I must work outside of these four walls, this is not a place that I would choose to work.
Overall, life-as-I-know it is very good. I see the possibility of that changing and it frightens me. I hope that the fear doesn't sabotage the potential for what lies ahead. I will breathe deeply, tread slowly, talk my way through this ... and see where it goes.
Then there is my mom. My strong, vital, healthy, feisty mom. Her health is a great concern to us right now. I told my sister "It is different this time". I tried to talk myself out of it but I couldn't. Emotions overwhelmed and enveloped me at the thought of what lies ahead.
I reread yesterday's post at the end of my day and it left me feeling quite unsettled. "Whether it is good or bad ... surprise me. I'm ready. Bring it on!!"
I lied. I'm not ready. I'm packed and ready to go at a moment's notice. But I'm not ready.
Change is inevitable. The transition period is tough. Usually the end result is worth the struggle. But sometimes ... I just want to fix what works for me and forge ahead with new 30 day guarantee ... renew and replace as necessary. But please don't take away what works for me.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Bring it On!
I have picked myself up, dusted myself off and I'm ready for whatever this week has in store. As it is with each bright and shiny new day, anything is possible.
There have been times when I have wished for a crystal ball to help me see past a dark time, far into the future. Just to know if there is a happy ending in there somewhere.
The more life I experience, the more I appreciate the fact that we have no idea what is coming.
The good wouldn't be so great if we were expecting it. Happy little surprises in life are like little windfalls. The unexpected turns an ordinary moment into the extraordinary.
What if we did know that some personal catastrophe was headed our way? If life-as-I-know-it has a tragic event around the corner, I do not want to see it coming.
I choose to live my life appreciating the fact that I don't know what life has in store for me. I acknowledge my blessings regularly. It has become a habit to me.
What if something were to happen to me? Heaven forbid that something were to happen to someone else ... I want those who touch my life to know what they mean to me.
Life is precious. I handle it with care.
Yes, this week is yet to unfold. I don't know what to expect ... but I do know that I have nothing but hope. Hope of new beginnings, being enveloped in family moments and a dose of day-to-day living tossed in ... just to keep me on my toes.
Whether it is good or bad ... surprise me. I'm ready. Bring it on!!
There have been times when I have wished for a crystal ball to help me see past a dark time, far into the future. Just to know if there is a happy ending in there somewhere.
The more life I experience, the more I appreciate the fact that we have no idea what is coming.
The good wouldn't be so great if we were expecting it. Happy little surprises in life are like little windfalls. The unexpected turns an ordinary moment into the extraordinary.
What if we did know that some personal catastrophe was headed our way? If life-as-I-know-it has a tragic event around the corner, I do not want to see it coming.
I choose to live my life appreciating the fact that I don't know what life has in store for me. I acknowledge my blessings regularly. It has become a habit to me.
What if something were to happen to me? Heaven forbid that something were to happen to someone else ... I want those who touch my life to know what they mean to me.
Life is precious. I handle it with care.
Yes, this week is yet to unfold. I don't know what to expect ... but I do know that I have nothing but hope. Hope of new beginnings, being enveloped in family moments and a dose of day-to-day living tossed in ... just to keep me on my toes.
Whether it is good or bad ... surprise me. I'm ready. Bring it on!!
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Time to Make Some Changes
It is weeks like the week that I have just lived, that propel me forward in life.
Challenges force me to confront issues. One always has a choice in life. Do I choose to do nothing and expect nothing to change? Do I have any control over any aspect of this situation? Is there any way that a compromise can be made? Do I have the courage to make a change?
Sometimes the only control a person has, is how they react to the situation. I'm afraid that I have failed miserably in that regard this past week.
I have felt too much coming at me from too many different angles. My work, my mom's health, I have allowed 'the past' into my present (and it doesn't belong there!!), finances, education and trying to fit too much into my week.
I cracked. Unfortunately ... there were witnesses.
Today is a new day and (as soon as I get home from my class this afternoon), I am going to sit down and write out an action plan.
It's time to make some changes. Or compromises. Because if I sit here and do nothing ... nothing will change.
It is time.
Challenges force me to confront issues. One always has a choice in life. Do I choose to do nothing and expect nothing to change? Do I have any control over any aspect of this situation? Is there any way that a compromise can be made? Do I have the courage to make a change?
Sometimes the only control a person has, is how they react to the situation. I'm afraid that I have failed miserably in that regard this past week.
I have felt too much coming at me from too many different angles. My work, my mom's health, I have allowed 'the past' into my present (and it doesn't belong there!!), finances, education and trying to fit too much into my week.
I cracked. Unfortunately ... there were witnesses.
Today is a new day and (as soon as I get home from my class this afternoon), I am going to sit down and write out an action plan.
It's time to make some changes. Or compromises. Because if I sit here and do nothing ... nothing will change.
It is time.
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