My Dad

I have been thinking about Dad a lot lately. Much of my thinking has been spurred on because of our concern with Mom's health.

Almost 28 years ago to the day that Dad suffered a heart attack that changed life as we knew it, Mom had a 'spell' that has led us down the path that we have been walking the past few weeks. When I called my sister to talk with her about Mom, I couldn't shake the feeling that this time was 'different'.

My emotions have been all over the map. Me, the stoic one who doesn't cry. Tears come at the drop of a hat lately. I will be driving along and there I go again.

The rational part of my brain is fine. I know that we are doing all that we can do to try and find solutions so that Mom can continue to live in her home. A home that stands for so much more than shelter from the elements. She has put her heart and soul into her home. Memories of family gatherings emanate from those walls. Home is where she wants to be ...

We felt helpless to help Dad when he became ill and returning home was not even a consideration. In all reality, he should have died in his home. He did die. His heart stopped beating for 15 minutes. But he was revived and his brain did not survive fully intact. We lost our dad that night ...

Mom has told us on numerous occasions that she does not want heroic measures taken if it comes down to a situation such as we lived with Dad. When she talks of people that she has known well, that have died in their homes ... died as they lived ... we hear her. This is what she wants. She wants to remain in her home.

I want what Mom wants. If she wants to live independently in her home, that is what we must fight for. I fully understand that she is aging and with that, comes limitations. The fact that her health is deteriorating is something that I comprehend.

But it is a symptom that is threatening her desire to continue to live an independent life. A symptom that is telling us that there is an underlying cause, that has been swept under the carpet for ten months that has me wanting to put up the good fight and fight for what Mom wants. Let's fix this one thing ....

Emotionally, I am not that strong. I understand that life does not always go as we hope. I know that life and death is a day to day reality and we can lose what we take for granted in the blink of an eye. Emotionally ... I am scared and I felt like a young child when we spoke with Mom's doctor and basically said, "She is strong and vital. She is worth fixing!!"

My mind keeps being drawn back to Dad. I wish I would have fought harder, been more and done more after he became confined to a life that he never wanted to live. Life without living is not what we want. We didn't ever want that for our dad and we most definitely don't want that for Mom.

She's a feisty one and takes a lot of pride in her strengths. If she wants to live at home, I'm willing to help her fight the fight and make that her reality.

Dad, sometimes I feel your quiet, gentle hand on my shoulder. When the road becomes a little frightening to travel, I never feel alone. When little things go right, I like to believe that I have my own personal angel helping little miracles happen. When my heart is happy and full whenever I am in the home that you and Mom made for us, you are always with me. When I let myself believe that 'whatever will be, will be' and we truly have little control over such matters ... I hope that Mom also feels that presence and you are quietly walking by her side when she feels alone.

Dad, you would be so proud of your family. We are strong and united no matter what life throws at us. We have rallied the troups and been there whenever we felt we were needed. The bond between us is strong and unshakeable. You and Mom have created something magical and special. As the phone continues to ring at Mom's house, with family members checking in and asking if they can come out to see her ... it is plain to see that this miracle of family that we share is being passed down through the generations.

Dad, please walk at Mom's side and comfort her in a way that we cannot. She's strong and appears to be invincible ... but she is only human. I wish you were here right now, but even if all you can do, is to continue to guide us down a road that is new to us, I would be eternally grateful.