Content ... but Tired

Overall, it was a good week.

Work is still exhausting me because I am focusing so hard on being positive and I am pushing myself far beyond my comfort zone. I am starting to feel a flow about the days that is comforting but it is still hard work to be there. But it is better. So much better!

I am around people. All day. So many people! I play a game with myself as staff members enter the office. What is their first and last name? What do they teach? What extra-curricular activities are they involved in? What do I know about them? I am starting to win at this game more often than not. At one point, I counted 115 staff members at the school. I now recognize and know the vast majority of them. This simple fact helps me at my job immensely.

Then there are the students. I believe that I heard that there are approximately 850 students registered at our school. I believe that I may know two of them by name. Several, by face. But the vast majority? I couldn't identify in a line up.

And the phone calls. The fear of answering the phone and not knowing the answers is dissipating. Yesterday, someone I spoke to at the beginning of the week called back. When I answered the phone he asked, "Is this Colleen?" Immediately, I felt at one with my job. People are recognizing my telephone voice (I can't say that I am doing the same ... yet).

People. So many people!

I have come from working upstairs in an 'attic space' with the furnace and spare parts, with only the radio to keep me company ... to this. It is truly no wonder why I have been struggling. There is a little bit of culture shock tossed into the mix as well as a brand new work environment filled with oh ... about a thousand people that I've never met before in my life.

Last night, when the group dance class time was nearing ... I couldn't do it. I couldn't put myself out there any more. I didn't have the energy to push myself through the discomfort of the possibility of having to be the 'lead', in a female dominated dance environment. I just wasn't in the right space. So I stayed home.

I probably should have went. I gave in to my exhaustion and this morning, I wish I could do it again. This day will be just fine. I can do this. One more day.

But I am sure glad that it's Friday. I am becoming content in my new world. But it exhausts me. I am ready for the weekend. Again.

Next Time ... I'll Book a Dance Lesson

I went to my first-ever counselling appointment last night.

I am sure that my experience would have been different if I had gone a week or two ago. A week or two ago, I would have been a puddle on the floor. I wouldn't have had the ability to articulate and effectively communicate my thoughts. The lump in my throat prevented me from saying all that I was feeling.

Throughout my recent 'journey to the dark side', I frequently picked up the phone and talked with people. When I quit calling, I had a friend that called me. She talked me through the days when I went silent. She planted a lot of seeds that are taking root.

My family has had the fortunate experience of living with me throughout this fine experience. I have done my best not to dump everything on them. But I haven't been able to mask my inner doom and gloom. I have not been myself and even I was getting sick and tired of the Negative Nellie that had taken up residence within.

It hasn't been all bad. I've had spells where I thought that I was through the worst of it. Only to be proven wrong. The unexpected turns, jolts and not knowing how far I was going to fall before I 'hit bottom' has been the most un-fun roller coaster ride that I have endured.

I was having a hard (impossible) time stifling the negative self-talk. It was like living with a stranger. Even though I recognized that my thought processes were unhealthy, I seemed to have lost my ability to override the negativity.

So I booked an appointment with a counsellor.

I had to wait a week before I could get in to see her. A week can make a big difference. I had the ability to cancel the appointment if I deemed it unnecessary. But I knew that there can be a lot of ups and downs in one week. So I kept my appointment.

I had such a good day yesterday. I felt my inner 'happy' for the first time in months. I knew that I had turned a corner and that I would go on from 'here'. But I still wanted to incorporate some positive coping strategies into the inevitable challenges that may lie ahead. So I went to my appointment.

I felt like I was in the wrong class. I attended Beginner Counselling 101 when life experiences have fast tracked me into an Advanced Session.

I didn't need the drawing to visualize that my thoughts led to feelings which physically affected my body and behaviours. I was already telling her that I had advanced to the stage where I recognized the need to unplug, reboot and start over when I got derailed. I was focusing on making a difference - one small step at a time. Focusing on the positive. Side stepping the danger zones ...

Twenty seven years ago, Alanon meetings taught me that I cannot change others - that I am only in control of my own feelings and how I react to them. The valuable lessons I learned from Alanon have stayed with me. Yet at my Beginner Counselling 101 session, this was key.

I can't say that I walked out of that appointment feeling any different than I did when I walked in. I don't think that I learned anything that I didn't already know. Perhaps I was reminded of a thing or two. She explained the thought processes that has led to my 'running in circles' when I am uncertain and overwhelmed.

But the thing is ... this session was not free. I paid for it out of my own pocket. It is money that I will never see again. And for a mere $10.00 more ... I could have had a one hour dance lesson!

Next time? I'll dance!

A Good Day ... A Very Good Day!

For the first time in a long, long time ... I can say with all honesty "It was a very good day!"

What went right?

Snippets of conversations with co-workers. I made someone smile. I learned something new about a few people. I felt like I made a small difference in the day of one student. I worked in a different office this afternoon. A lucky coincidence put me together with two other new-to-this-school employees and we had a refreshing conversation about some of our growing pains.

I walked home and felt ... happy.

I feel like I have made it through the worst. I am still going to go and talk with someone to gather some strategies so that I don't continue to perpetuate some of the negativity I have been experiencing lately. But I will be walking into that appointment with a mission and a determination to succeed (instead of a powerless, weeping soul).

I have not felt this good for a long, long time. I have definitely had moments of happiness ... but I think it is safe to say that work has not been the catalyst to any joy that I have felt (for longer than I care to dwell on).

Yesterday I came home depleted ... but not defeated. I stood up for myself. It was a small matter ... but it made a huge difference.

I believe the tides are changing ...

20 Minutes of Insomnia

I have developed the habit of waking up at 4:40 every morning.

Waking up in the middle of the night is nothing new to me. If I can't turn off my thoughts and go back to sleep, I simply turn on the TV. The moment that my head is caught up in something that I am half interested in, the words on the TV replace the words in my head. Voila! Presto! I fall back into a deep slumber.

Why do I remember that I wake up at 4:40 every morning? Because there is nothing on the TV but infomercials, news programs and various other programing that holds no interest to me.

Thus, I cannot seem to force the thoughts that have begun circulating within my head to stop. And I lie in bed, tossing and turning, flipping and checking channels and trying to feign interest in the news. Until 5:00.

Five o'clock is the magic hour. A program that interests me (enough to turn off the thought processes that are running in high gear after 20 minutes) comes on.

The program starts with a short intro and then it is straight into the credits. Beyond that point? I couldn't tell you what happens. Because the moment my head is relaxed with the thought that someone else's words are going to fill my mind, I relax. Poof! I fall fast asleep.

My alarm goes off at 5:30 a.m. and I'm ready to face the day.

I'm not sure what I would do without that added half hour of sleep. I am sure that I am soon to find out ... daylight savings time is around the corner. Since everyone else in the free world (or at least within our TV station radius) turns their clocks, while we remain the same time ... my regularly scheduled programming is going to be delayed by one hour.

It could be a long winter.

I Am Trying ....

I've got myself caught up in a downward spiral and no matter how hard I try, I can't get a leg up and out of there.

I am trying so hard.

I am looking for and finding my own solutions more often than not.

I am acknowledging the positives where ever I see them.

I am trying to be sensitive to those around me and respecting boundaries, over taxed nerves and stressors.

I am doing the best that I can.

I am faced with road blocks that I feel powerless to overcome.

I am looking for answers. I hope to find some. Soon.

I don't know what else to do. Maybe I should just stop trying.  And just do it ...

Just Keep Moving!

I puttered my way through yesterday. It was a great way to spend a Monday.

The day had a flow about it that has been missing for a while. An easy pace ... where I simply kept moving.

I came home from work, made a salad for supper, cooked a decent supper, ironed some clothes, vacuumed a little and simply kept moving from one little job to the next.

Then I danced. A light and easy half hour retreat from my life.

I ran a few errands on my way home. I refilled and reattached the propane tank on the BBQ, ate a late supper and watched Dancing With the Stars.

As per usual, the highlight of my day was when I climbed into my PJ's and I was completely ready for bed. But I stayed awake and enjoyed hovering in the never land between 'putting the day behind me' and 'sleep'.

Last night, I was able to stay awake until 10:00. I kept myself moving throughout the day and I accomplished a few small things along the way.

It was a good way to spend a day.

Time Warp

I didn't want to get up this morning.

I laid in bed longer than usual. I went through my morning routines. I wrote a blog post. A long one. And I still had time left over.

I came home for lunch this afternoon.

I made my lunch, checked my emails, had dessert, chatted with My Youngest, read a blog post and did some banking. And I still have time left over.

I am getting things accomplished, with time to burn.

Fortunately, the same thing is happening at work. I am getting the must-do jobs done, with time left over. I am asking new people questions and learning a little more. I am learning how to dodge and weave some of my prior challenges and coming out unscathed.

I wrote all of that, and I still have time left over.

If this keeps up, I should tackle some housecleaning when I get home. And still have time ...