Change

I love my ruts. Every now and again I like to forge my way out of an old rut ... but it is in the quest to make a new one.

There is a lot of same-ness in my life. We've lived in the same house for over 15 years ... I've had the same car for 11 1/2 years ... I hold on tight to my friendships.

I've jumped out of the career-rut ever so gradually. I worked in the banking industry for 30 years. When I thought I wanted to try something else, I continued to work at the bank one day a week for 10 years (while I ran my daycare from home). Before I was ready to jump ship altogether, I took a year leave of absence. Just in case I changed my mind (I didn't).

There is my daycare. I started babysitting 11 years ago. Even as I attempt to find a new rut in my next career move, I continue to keep before and after school kids. I can't bring myself to try and sell off or give away all of the daycare paraphernalia around here. Just in case ...

I needed to replace my purse last night. When I found an exact replica of the purse that I already have, I was thrilled. It is the same with pants or shoes - if I find some that actually fit, if I can I will buy two pairs of them. And I definitely replace the worn out, with duplicates of what has worked for me in the past. New, but the same. That's me!

I don't move my furniture around ... my clothes have been around forever (though I recently went on quite a spending spree) ... my routines and rituals are a variance of the same old, same old. Then there is my hair.

Even though I spent the better part of the past two years trying to grow out an old hair cut, my son looked at an old picture of me and said "Your hair style never changes". What?! I've tried and I've tried to find a new look. More often than not, I'd go to the hairdresser with shiny new ideas. Then, I would walk out looking just like 'me'.

The 'Dorothy Hamil' look that I aimed for a few weeks ago has not been going well. I've gotten over the shock of the new reflection in the mirror, but what I see is a hair style that I don't love. I was willing to go with it because it will grow into something I like. I'm sure of it. But upon the advise of The Man Who Knows All when it comes to dancing and dance competitions, I'm losing the new (old) look.

This morning I am off to the most intense hair appointment of my life. My hairdresser has talked to The Man Who Knows All and he has told her his vision of what he would like my hair to look like. This is so out of the norm, that my hairdresser called me yesterday and said "Are you okay with this?? Do you really want to do what he is suggesting?"

Scary words from a hairdresser.

I woke up at about 3:30 this morning. What should be at the top of my subconscious mind ... but my new hair.

I didn't break out into a sweat. But I didn't go back to sleep either (I'm sure that I dozed, but my brain never stopped thinking about my new look).

If I was going straight to the dance competition, that would be one thing. But I have to walk around in real life for two weeks. Two weeks where I can just feel what people will be thinking: "What is that old woman trying to prove?! Look at her hair!" I'm wondering if I can fashion a scarf &/or hat to sport in the real world for a while.

But then again, there is a chance that I may like it.

Change scares the socks off of me. This morning my feet are pretty chilly. But I'm moving on. It's time for a new rut.