The Abyss of Overspending

When I was in over my head in debt, I felt like I was in quicksand. Any money that I made went to pay for things that I already had. If ever there was a windfall that came my way, I would think ''that will pay for (an already purchased item)".

I longed for the day when I would receive a small bonus and know that it was truly mine to spend. It hadn't already been spent. I'm a master at juggling the books to make things work out financially. What it all boiled down to, was that (even though I could trick myself into believing it was okay) I was spending more than I made.

It took a while (and some creative solutions), but I have accomplished my goal of living within my means. I am living on the 'plus' side of life, and it is grand. When I receive an unexpected $30.oo ... it is mine, to spend as I wish. It isn't lost in the excess of my spending.

This upcoming dance competition has me standing on the edge. I have it covered. But I am relying on future income sources to pay for it. It isn't 'money in the bank'. Plain and simple ... it is debt.

I was on the receiving end of some very unexpected windfalls this Christmas. With them, came the spoken or unspoken message that it was to go towards my dream - this upcoming dance event.

As I wade into the weeks of overindulging that I have before me, I have earmarked certain expenses that have been covered by my Christmas gifts. They have paid for the extra dance lessons, new dance shoes and my upcoming hair appointment. I have been paid in advance by my Second Son for his room and board. That went to cover my trip expenses.

I have been hoarding every extra bit of 'bonus money' that I have received for the past year and a half. Instead of putting that money into a savings account, I put it towards my mortgage. So now that I am finally spending some of this hard-saved money ... it feels like debt (I'm now 're-borrowing' the funds that I had used to pay down the principal balance of my mortgage).

I have it justified in my mind. I have truly done the saving and sacrificing for this trip. I have future income that is going to replenish this bout of over-the-top spending.

But at this very moment, I have negative signs running through my mind. I owe, I owe, I owe. This feeling of already owing so much has me thinking that spending a little more really doesn't matter. What is a little bit more, when you already owe so much??

I made a careless remark before Christmas about how small amounts of money are lost in 'the abyss of debt'. That statement wasn't pointing fingers at anyone but myself. I have an internalized way of thinking about money, debt and money-gifts. When you owe thousands upon thousands of dollars, how far does $50.00 really go?

As I stand on the brink of spending money in a way that I haven't done before ... I am nervous. I have to juggle the books so that I'm living back in the black. Those minus signs before my bank and credit card balance cause some dangerous thinking. I'm already in debt, so what's a little more?

But, before I get my feet back on the ground there is a little more shopping that I want to do ... and so goes the cycle of overspending.