I thought I had turned over a whole new leaf when I woke up at 5:00 a.m. Monday morning, with nothing on my agenda but to sit still with my thoughts and write. It was so easy, so natural, so peaceful and I accomplished so much with my morning when I put writing first. Then the day happened.
When quiet time arrived, I was exhausted. I have a three year old who is not napping any more [I honestly believe this was the "beginning of the end" for me - missing that two hour window of complete and total solitude each and every day wore me down faster than my worst day]. I have been fighting with her to simply relax and be still while the others sleep. It has been a battle. She was watching movies and just winding up into her fidgeting stage (she literally kicks and vibrates to keep herself awake) when I thought I could wage this war better lying down. I simply draped my arm over her while we snuggled up and watched movies together. It was the best of both worlds. She relaxed and I napped, knowing exactly where she was and what she was doing.
Man! I was tired. All that was on my agenda after my daycare day was to run out and get groceries. My son and I have honed a wonderful co-operative system to take care of that little chore. I buy the groceries, come home and drop them off. Then he puts everything away while I run out and pick up supper. I love it!
As soon as I stopped chewing, I started sleeping. Exhaustion won out over every other need. Early to bed means early to start waking up. I honestly don't mind waking up in the middle of the night. I have this delightful habit which pleases me. I turn on the TV and decide "this" is the perfect time to watch the programs I missed while I was sleeping earlier in the evening. The minute I lose myself to the mindless television chatter, I am fast asleep. On really restless nights, I "rinse and repeat" all night long. Then when my alarm goes off at 5:00, I am beat. Again.
I've got a back up plan for those restless nights when I don't bother setting the sleep timer on the TV. Our TV also comes with a feature which will turn the TV on or off at a specified time. I've set mine to turn off at 4:00 a.m. so I don't wake up with the TV on (which is a recipe for disaster because Brian Baeumler owns the TV space during the time I'm trying to pry myself off the bed and I thoroughly enjoy falling asleep to his banter). Only the TV didn't turn off at 4:00 for some reason (usually because I've turned it back on after 4 a.m.) and I couldn't get out of bed. Again.
Last night, I refused to allow myself to turn on the TV. My stress levels are a little lighter now that I have handed in my four month notice that I am winding down my daycare. I forced myself to relax, allowed my brain to wander and the next thing I knew, I was waking up again. I went through this process a few times and the next thing I knew, it was 4:45 a.m. and I felt rested. Success.
The downfall to my plan is that I didn't have the computer set up in my room last night. While I went upstairs to retrieve it [writing in the kitchen is an invitation for our "Jet" cat to do every single thing he knows he is not allowed to do, therefore I don't have more than 45 consecutive seconds to think a thought, let alone write it down. Honestly! That cat is worse than my most disobedient child. My child and pet rearing skills have really taken a dive these past few years], I decided to make a cup of coffee then I started going through the paces I go through every morning to get ready for the day. By the time I got back downstairs again, the cats were underfoot and Jet was already trying to pry open the locked back door with his bare claws.
The long and short of it is, any quiet thoughts I may have thought I had to write about were lost in the process of disrupting the peace and stirring up the cats (I just heard someone jump off the kitchen counter).
I've forgotten how to write, how to take a mundane little thought and turn it into something that has some perspective. I may need to purge here for a while before anything of worth spills out of my fingertips. I have been lost for a while. Negativity has taken over my thought processes and I'm working on rewiring my brain.
I have been stuck in a loop of trying to make an unworkable situation work for me and it has depleted my resources. I am glad I have given myself four months to work out the kinks in my plan moving forward. I have four months to reroute my thoughts, four months to sort through and deal with the excess within our world, four months to figure figure out "what happens next" and four months to segue from one lifestyle into another. When I quit my daycare the last time and went back to school, I described it as a giant leap of faith. I soared with the eagles for a little while before I broke a wing. It's taken a while to heal but I'm ready to fly again. I'm just not leaping off any tall buildings this time around.