Pressures of the Season

I can't pin my thoughts down on anything concrete this morning ...

I thought that I woke up with ambition and energy this morning, but I just couldn't get up at 4:30 a.m. to start the day. So I turned on the TV. Bad move. TV = sleep. So I went back into a light slumber and didn't want to get moving. Again (I've been dragging myself out of bed all week).

I barely tripped over the 'pile of Christmas' in my room this morning. I'm gaining control in that area but I still need a few small touches and just a little more shopping. Then that can be wrapped up and put away until the Big Day.

My Christmas cards are ready to go. Next week my greetings of 'whatever I happened to be in the mood to write about at the time' will be making their way to family and friends. I've been in a very odd mood this Christmas. So what lies within the confines of those cards may be surprising. To me and to the recipient. My head has been all over the map and I'm afraid my Christmas greetings have been as well.

I'm wading my way through a new course at school. I want to be able to finish it off and write the exam before Christmas. But I seem to be moving at a snail's pace. This is all Greek to me and I've already gone back and reread the first 2 chapters to try and get a firmer grasp of what I'm trying to learn. Trudging on ...

I've gotten some book keeping work this week. Whew!! The lack of work + the lack of ambition I have when I do get some work = a very scary budget + I'm afraid I'm not making a very good impression on the people I'm working for. I need to ask for a good old honest annual 'review' so that we can talk like employer/employee. We have a very different working arrangement. I have babysit for this family for almost 4 years + we are friends/friendly = not your typical boss/underling arrangement. I've been doing book keeping for them for a year, and I think that it would be a good idea if both of us had a firm grasp on expectations, the future and my work performance. I feel like I'm skating on thin ice. I don't know if or when I'm going to go under. But I'm just a little bit afraid right now.

Then there are all the 'food commitments' of the season. I sent off my 'unusual' Ginger Cookies for the school bake sale yesterday. They should have come with a warning label - long story. Then ... I have 2 more pot luck affairs next week. Oh, the angst I feel over having to bring something to these events ... and the possibility of people knowing what I brought. Oldest Son has a favorite Christmas wreath cookie that he anticipates this time of year. But last year, my cookie press died a good death (The Traditions of Christmas Gone Awry story of last December). I have tried to find another cookie press. For the low cost of $40 plus tax ... I can run out and buy one (they asked if I'd like them to put a hold on it ... I should have said "Only if it comes with my cookies already baked"). So I haven't done a thing. I should do some Christmas baking so that I have something to offer. But I'm paralyzed at the idea of all of that time in the kitchen. My Ginger Cookie baking experience was one best left to the imagination. I don't feel like an encore performance ...

Plus ... I've officially signed on to go to this dance competition in two months. The money that I will spend, the time I must invest and another great step into the unknown. And I thought baking was scary.

The Fear Factor is running high right now. I'm moving forward but with fear and trepidation as I take each step. I'd like to sleep through the next 2 weeks. But instead, I think that I'll just get through it with my eyes closed.

I'm doing my best ... but my best isn't great this year.