Tough Conversations

I've been hovering on the edge of knowing that there were some 'tough conversations' that I needed to put behind me this past while. This weekend, I scratched a few of them off of my to-do-list and it feels like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders (and yes, there is great temptation to run to my scale and see if the loss is reflected in my weight, but I shall resist).

One of those conversations has been on the back burner of my mind for a while. It was one of those conversations that I knew that I should initiate. But in doing so, I was asking for brutal honesty and answers that I may or may not be ready to hear. Come to think of it, I had another one of these conversations a few weeks ago ...

I am surrounded by family and friends that 'bring me up'. They are generous with compliments, support and encouragement. They tend to believe that I am better than I know that I am.

That is all good and fine ... but I need an honest critic in my life now and again.

When a few areas of my life appeared to be in need of a critical eye, I asked the hard questions and was prepared for any answer that I may receive. I would so much rather be told exactly where I stand than to second guess. This is how I handled situations in my daycare world - I encouraged conversations where both parties had a chance to air any uncomfortable topics. Communication is key. I want people to know that I'm willing to listen, bend, learn and adapt as necessary.

I realize that I have put people on the spot and there is a great likelihood that they may not have an appropriate honest response ready for me when I do this ... but it makes me feel better to know that I've opened the door for future conversations if and when it is necessary.

In both cases, I was fairly sure that my insecurities unfounded. But I wasn't certain. I had enough questions that I thought 'Why waste my energy worrying ... when I could just ask and know?"

I am just realizing (as I write this), that this honest confrontational side of me comes from years of running my daycare. This is a skill that I didn't have before I started working for myself and with the parents of the children I tended. I felt so 'free' when I started confronting my worries instead of letting them fester. And I haven't done that for a while. Worrying is such a waste of time and energy.

Then there was a conversation of a more personal matter. Those ones are tricky to navigate so I've been putting this off for a very long time. Things tend to snowball when you don't discuss things as they arise. I hate a build-up of anything in my life, most of all - personal baggage.

First off, I had to admit the errors of my ways and simply apologize for my wrong doings. Yes, I had my reasons for acting the way I did ... but plain and simple ... I was rude. Apology necessary.

Once the apology was out of the way, I had a more willing partner in the conversation. So ... it was time to confront the tougher part of what was weighing on my mind. As I have done many times before, I made an assumption and created an entire saga in my mind. It was all pretty minor in the scheme of things, but I wanted to end a cycle of thoughts and the only way I knew how to do that was to talk. And listen.

There were many things that I didn't want to hear, so I had put off this discussion for far too long. Avoidance is usually not the right answer.

I am so very glad that I opened a few doors the past little while. I am human and I make a lot of mistakes. I am far from perfect ... though I wish that I was. I tend to put myself down because I would rather demean myself than hear it from someone else. So asking for people to be honest with me puts me at great risk. A risk that I'm glad that I took. Because I feel ever-so-much-better now.

I can put that energy wasted on worrying, onto other things now. Christmas ... I'm ready for you now!